Are you frustrated by your “broken picker?” Learn how to navigate the tricky space between picky and selective using these four tips!
If you are sick of attracting men who are emotionally unavailable, it’s not because you have a “broken picker!” More likely, you are not listening to what he says (many women have selective hearing and interpret everything he says based on what they want), not listening to your gut, or jumping into a relationship so fast it makes it hard to get out when you know it’s the right thing to do.
Never fear, once you begin to recognize Dating With Dignity’s “Four Signs of the Emotionally Unavailable Man” and how to effortlessly spot him, you will never again have to wonder what it means when he disappears, flakes, is hot and cold, or is words and actions are just plain confusing.
Clue #1: He directly says it to YOU. Yes, men typically mean what they say and say what they mean. He may simply tell you he’s not looking for a relationship.
Drop the selective hearing, ladies, and start listening to the men you date immediately! He might tell you that you’re “amazing,” but he just can’t commit to anything right now.
One of the biggest fears of this type of man is becoming lost in a relationship and losing his freedom. Often times these people really do want to connect with someone but are too afraid to start anything because they know they really aren’t ready. And believe us: you can’t be “so amazing” that he flips his switch and becomes your perfect mate. It rarely to never happens.
Clue #2: He is in a relationship… with someone else.
He probably shares LOTS of information about his relationships, which might give you the impression that he’s sharing with you, and therefore you’re being emotionally intimate. But someone who is in a relationship with SOMEONE ELSE cannot possibly be as open with you as you deserve.
While this advice seems obvious, I can’t tell you how many women we see in our community who have been sold a pile of big doo doo when it comes to men being “sort of single.” Bottom line, ladies: these excuses DO NOT count:
- We haven’t had sex in years.
- We’re moving into separate places any day now. It’s financially difficult, but we’re working on it.
- And, btw, I am miserable.
- Once the kids are (insert any milestone here), we’re going to split.
- We haven’t had sex in years. (Yes, it’s here twice because for some reason this one is a big seller.)
- My wife is emotionally unstable. Soon…soon. She’s in therapy.
- I don’t feel like this with her, and you’re amazing. I’m confused, but the truth is I love you. Can you be patient?
Get the picture?
Clue #3: He loves the chase; but once you respond positively, he stops calling.
Emotionally unavailable men have a push-pull strategy. They tend to pursue you hard toward the beginning. But once you let them know they’ve won you over, they pull away and often disappear for a week or two. If he has a consistent pattern of disappearing, this is a serious red flag.
It’s even more concerning when he can’t articulate what’s happening for him during these periods. If he uses the words “busy” regarding why he seems to vanish, run immediately in the other direction.
Clue #4: His words don’t match his actions.
When a man is full of mixed messages, it’s not a good sign. He may surprise you with a weekend getaway and then cancel on you several times in a row the next week.He also hates planning ahead, and talking about the future terrifies him.
Having the belief that you don’t deserve a whole, healthy, and satisfying relationship can be a reflection of low self esteem, and it’s at these points in your life that you’re more likely to settle for an emotionally unavailable man. There is no reason to settle.
So watch for these four signs of emotionally unavailable men, and make yourself available for someone who is emotionally available. You deserve the best!
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well definitely #4 happened to me – 8 weeks of expanding attention (LDR – phone, text) and a visit and then BAM.
actually #3 & #4 in succession.
[...] is broken (and you aren’t alone), we first want to direct you to Dating with Dignity’s Four signs of emotionally unavailable men so you can begin to spot them more easily. Make sure to read this article if you haven’t; and [...]
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[...] is broken (and you aren’t alone), we first want to direct you to Dating with Dignity’s four signs of emotionally unavailable men so you can begin to spot them more easily. Make sure to read this article if you haven’t; and [...]
Yikes. We have ALL been there. My favorite word in this situation? NEXT!! Big hugs, Marni
I don’t like dating. My mother ingrained in my heart that “folks are allright until you get to know them” I don’t want to get to know anyone well enough to hate myself for the experience. I hate catering to anyone especially emotionally. You women forget that all of you get old and ugly & I can’t be passionate with ugly women who are selfish & demand to be treated like queens. Our culture is grossly at fault here. Anyway I ain’t buying it & I don’t like moochers anyway. Remember all of us are going to die someday & we must be ready for death. Wanting someone to “make you happy” is nutty. If you can’t be happy by yourself,no one else is going to make you happy.
OMG… I’m just stunned here, because the guy I’m seeing falls into ALL OF THE FOUR SIGNS!!! He’s a typical pile of bull crap.
I should have followed my gut instinct! THANK YOU SO MUCH for making it clear (I was trying to deny this at first). From today and onwards, I am never contacting him until he does, and I will use him like no ones business, and dump him (I can’t do this until he moves office tho lol)
Hi Rina! ALWAYS follow your gut instinct! I have a little tweak for your plan…how about instead of using him and dumping him, you just move on and find someone better to invest energy in? BIG hugs and good luck! Marni
I love you Marni!
My minor tale of woe…Met a guy (never married, early 40s), he came on strong for 3 dates. But on dates 1-3 said the following things – he works ALL of the time (startup), is in financial distress because of the business, that women do not understand his passion (for work), had a bad childhood and mentally ill mother, that his previous relationships were about intensity – not duration (this man is in his 40′s), was unable to articulate how a relationship fit into his work, was unable to prioritize taking care of himself, said he did not want an “american” relationship, and was looking for a partner to fit into his extra time, and intimated but did not state that he had a slew of bad breakups (he described that something about speaking nicely about people when you breakup). But he was coming on strong.
On date 3, I told him I was very attracted to him, but would not be sexually involved with someone until I was exclusive. I told him I thought we would be awesome on that, and that I adore sex, but in a committed relationship. Then we had a hardish conversation before date 4 about making plans. I did come off as a bit needy because every plan needed some sort of escape clause – but he was still very much trying to make time for me at that point. Then on date 4, he asked me to explain what I had meant by the sexual thing – I explained it. He said he could not be exclusive at that point and he gave me some sort of blathering about his breakups and people speaking nice about each other – I still do not understand what he meant. In fact, any major conversation about what he was looking for or what he wanted was a mess that I did not understand. But we both wanted to keep seeing each other.
He started to pull back and I ended it shortly after when he started to be more standoffish and less considerate. But now I feel like it was that one conversation and he was a good candidate because he was trying at that point. Why am I doubting the very real things he told me?
Thoughts?
Ohhh – clarification, told him about the sex thing because the chemistry was high and we had been moving towards fooling around more. I wanted that boundary set. I told him not when we were on some couch rolling around, but at a bar kissing…
Hi there! Thanks for sharing your story with me. You did nothing wrong in this situation. This guy is not at all Mr. Boyfriend Material, as evidenced by his inability to commit, his willingness to talk about all of his “issues” on dates one, two and three, and the fact that when you expressed that you needed exclusivity before sex, he stopped pursuing. You were smart to end this relationship; don’t question yourself! From what I hear from you, your instincts were right on.
BIG hugs, Marni
Hello,
Great info, but could you explain “Emotionally Unavailable Women?”
I recently ended dating a 28 year old who’s father died when she was 14, mother remarried and then divorced 9 months later, and then the daughter (the girl I was dating), married at 19-21 only to divorce. So strange how she gave me the cold shoulder and acted so distant after 2.5 months of dating. We were both into each other everything seemed fine, we made it exclusive at the 7 week mark and then when I introduced her to my friends as “my GF,” she freaked out later that week coming up with all kinds of excuses why she isn’t ready for a relationship. How she’s confused and etc, etc, etc…I just gave her space. I’m done with her. Too much baggage for me to handle. Your thoughts please?
Hi Bill, Thanks for your question. The truth is there are women who are emotionally unavailable, and it sounds like your ex fits that category. If you’re looking for a healthy, committed relationship – you might want to look for a girl who has left her baggage in the past. Good luck!