Dating With Dignity

Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.

There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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I know, this is a random title for a blog on a dating and relationship website, right?  But, not really.  And here is why:  I went to an incredible seminar this past weekend featuring some of the old-school big wigs in New Thought motivational speaking.  Michael Beckwith, Les Brown, Mary Morrissey and Bob Proctor were all there sharing their wisdom to help people to move past their fears into creating a life they truly love.

Now, next door to this hotel ballroom near the airport (of course, these things are always at hotels near airports, aren’t they?!)  was yet another conference — it was called something like Accelerated Real Estate Marketing.  The name doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that is was PACKED, and the name of the conference was, “The Quick And Easy Way to Get Rich.”  As I walked to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but observe the people  in the hallway, and then I heard a man’s voice, shouting some sort of countdown.  ”7…6….5.”  What was this?  People began to pour from the ballroom into the hallway, pushing their way to the back tables set up with men, computers and brochures.  Clearly, I had to go inside to check it out. What was he selling?  The voice continued, booming through the microphone.

“The first 100 people to make it back to the tables before I get to the number ONE will receive 50% off…Will it be you? Who of you…who is serious enough…who is committed… to take advantage of this incredible opportunity to get rich quick?!”

Holy wow, I thought.  As the man continued his countdown, nearing the number ONE, people began to run from their seats, pushing past chairs, haphazardly careening past those who had chosen to simply walk.  It was incredible.  Did these people really believe that this organization could help them to acquire tremendous wealth with ease? Here I had been sitting in the room next door listening to the New Thought Gurus tell people that thinking “inside the box” was limiting their ability to be successful, while this man was calling them to action.  He had, I’m sure, spent the hour prior to the sales pitch giving his own version of “believe in yourself,” and now he had managed to inspire (or brainwash?) people to run to pay money and invest in their belief.

Who was right?  The Gurus?  The Salesman?

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I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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I have been working with several clients who seem to have identified a new species in the MANimal Kingdom.

Introducing Mr. Sensitive. Mr. Sensitive often lures women into pseudo relationships because he is inquisitive, sweet, and appears to be connected to himself emotionally. He may say he is really into you within the first few dates, tell you that you are different from other women he has dated, and share deep, intimate details about himself quickly. He often philosophizes, says he is on a “spiritual” journey or shares his “victim to victory” story with you. He knows, believe me, that once he begins to share these types of personal stories he will have you hooked. What’s more, once you feel “connected” to him, you put yourself at risk to move into “over-share” mode, giving him reason upon reason to rule you out of his current dating pool without knowing who you really are.

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I was sitting in a Coach Training seminar last night and was listening to the founder of my coaching program, Bruce Schneider, discuss strategies to finding more joy in life and how a person can modify their vibrational energy. The resultant “lift,” then enables each person to move away from victim and conflict thinking to begin having a better view of their life and others. After listening for a while, I began to truly appreciate why one of the steps in my 10-Step Method to Manifesting Love includes “Collect Data and Have Fun.” In truth, one of the most important ways to connect with another person is through nothing more simply than good old fashioned fun. What typically follows from fun then, is laughter. And laughter can make a person feel better, even when times are tough. In an effort to help you have fun today and lift your vibrational energy as you head into the weekend, watch today’s video blog below. It’s filled with hilarious “out takes” from the Dignity Dating Den with Christian Anderson. Remember, have fun, smile and then think how you can make someone else laugh today too.

I am burning to share this today, because I have heard several clients in the last day or two tell me that they met someone, had a “good” first phone call, or is going to be “fixed up,” and doesn’t want to get their “hopes up!” Hmmm. Sound familiar?

I remember when I was first learning to date with dignity, and always went immediately to the default position of, “I’ll reject you before you reject me,” even though I had a good first connection with someone. I did this quite effectually by simply squashing my feelings of hope, excitement and optimism. I would create an internal dialogue in which I would experience butterflies, then interject what I thought was a big dose of reality that said, “DON’T get excited. It could not work. It might not happen for me.” Then, I would get excited again, experiencing the feelings in my body that said, “maybe this, in fact, is the miracle guy.”  Once again, however, the voice of “reality” would return, guarding and protecting me from potential hurt or disappointment. In sum, I was becoming adept at throwing out what I call, “The Heisman.” (The Heisman is based on the football trophy in which the cast iron football player has one hand held close to his body, carefully protecting the football, while the other hand is stretched outward, elbow straightened, protecting the player from the offender.) I pretended to hold the idea of partnership in close (like the football), yet my unconscious beliefs, words, actions and inner dialogue communicated the outstretched defensive hand.

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