Dating With Dignity

I’ve been working as the Dating With Dignity Marketing Assistant for  five months, and it’s going well. While working in the dating and Life Coaching business is  something I have never done before, I like it. And, if I happened to be someone in the market for some dating advice, this is the place to be.

I transcribe the advice Marni doles out to clients, and can’t help but overhear phone conversations she has with friends who aren’t clients when they come calling for a dose of her wisdom. Day in and day out I listen to women beg Marni for the answer. They are willing to partake in whatever coaching regime she prescribes, and listen eagerly at each and every event we host, careful not to miss one drop of her guidance. Their very own dating messiah, the savior has come, and they have complete faith that she will lead them out of the dismal abyss that has become their love lives.

But that’s just them. What about me, you ask? Well, thank you, but I’ll have to pass. I’ll just be over here, not believing anything you say.

And that’s the truth. I have remained quite skeptical of this entire operation. A girl can only hear the words abundance, and intention, and manifest so many times, before beginning to truly question exactly how much of this is based in reality.

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The Man Panel event, “How to Increase Your Attraction Factor” was a huge success, and I have received several emails and phone calls from those who attended.  One of the biggest take-aways reported was new levels of understanding that  what we “think” is what we “broadcast.”  In short, the messages that your “inner critic” voice bombards you with (e.g., I’m too fat, too skinny, too old, not deserving, my fault etc..) when you look into the mirror are the very signals you are sending out to the world, including anyone might be a potential partner.

The question then becomes, how do you shift the messages away from those thought patterns sometimes referred to as “Repetitive Mental Noise (RMN)”  The truth is you can’t simply “think” your way to a quiet mind and increased self love.  In fact, reducing RMN requires a solid 3-Prong Approach:

1.  Change Your Thoughts:  Reducing the mental clutter caused by your “inner critic” can sometimes be changed by simply shifting thoughts.  Raising your Energy to Level 3, which requires taking RESPONSIBILITY for your thoughts, invites you to use your intellect and intuition to rationalize, intellectualize and cope with a situation.  You can understand the “why” or “what,” of the circumstances and then shift your thoughts away from victim thinking or conflictual thoughts that can include defiance, anger, frustration, jealousy or resentment.

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The Evolved Manimal

When it comes to finding long-lasting love, the men you want to typically date can be classified as Boyfriend Material. These men are also dating with dignity, and have an expressed interest in finding a partner who is confident, independent, and has the skills necessary to communicate in MANglish.

The ability to understand and then respect MANglish is paramount to finding a relationship with Mr. Boyfriend Material. Why? The answer is, quite frankly, because Mr. Boyfriend Material won’t put up with your crap. He won’t let you “sulk,” he won’t be manipulated by your tears (not 100 percent, that is), expects you to communicate your needs, have boundaries, express your expectations directly, and allow him to engage in activities that fulfill the essence of who he is. In addition, he knows that you won’t take everything he says as a personal rejection, acceptance, or declaration of his love for you.

There are few key signs to look for to know if you are dating Mr. Boyfriend Material:

~He is truly in a place where he feels confident and secure in his ability to provide. Men are and typically most confident, secure and ready to be in an exclusive long-term relationship when they feel “settled.” They have spent time building their career and have the time available to invest in a relationship. In addition, they also feel financially capable of dating a woman in a way in which they are most comfortable. Remember, men who are not in this place in life are STILL dating, they are just not likely to be good candidates for a long-term partnership. If you are dating someone who is still climbing the ladder to emotional maturity and financial security, rest assured you will most likely need to be patient as he moves through these phases of manhood.

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I just finished Compassion Bootcamp. Every day began at 8 am, finishing at 10 pm. To say I am exhausted would be too simple, as I have explored the depths of what it means to be the authentic me; a version of me stripped away of the need to be successful, be the perfect mother, best girlfriend, a person who has lived life unconscious of the fact that I have been holding the responsibility of all this in my two hands alone.

I was dumb-founded Saturday afternoon, as I wondered what it would be if I stop trying to figure it all out? If I accept that enough is enough? That my business, where it is now, is exactly enough for now. How would I live my life if I were to stop searching for cracks in my life and the people in it? How would I live if I were to stop judging things as “good or bad,” to stop seeing the world as black and white? Could I, in fact, live with the possibility that I am, in fact, good enough as I am? Could I accept myself completely?

On Saturday evening I went for a compassion walk — yes, that is what is what called — in the redwoods to engage in a ritual of self love and self forgiveness. I walked through the green moss and mud, stating all the things for which I was going to forgive myself. I then walked towards the creek bed, engaging in a meditation in which I uttered the following mantra, “May all living things find release from suffering.” As I walked, I began to notice the small insects scooting on the forest floor; I heard the croaking frogs and hoped they would all find release from suffering. I thought of all the people I meet when I am out in the world who are bound up in their fear, suffering, and hate themselves and the life they lead. I thought of the people in cars who drive too fast, of the rude checkout girl at the mall, and the angry men and women who appear on reality TV shows to entertain the masses. In my meditation I wished them all the freedom from their suffering. All of them.

Then, on Sunday, the shit hit the wall.

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Sometimes, a relationship can never even get started or, conversely, it moves too quickly because we do not take time to discern if the person we are dating is an appropriate match.  What follow’s in today’s blog is a few key questions you can ask yourself to define whether the person you are dating is truly a potential partner.

To begin, we must define a healthy, positive relationship.  As Dignity Daters, we want to pursue nurturing relationships that support our growth and development.  We don’t want to continue dating a person who is “catabolic,” or negative, because interactions with them are destructive, limiting, impede our ability to experience life fully or express our true selves.  This said, begin your decision making process regarding a person’s “match” potential by:

1.  List  your criteria for a positive, healthy relationship.

2.  Next, consider the following questions, answering each one completely:

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It’s a serious problem, texting, that is. In fact, this weekend in a bit of conflict with The Brit, even this seasoned dating expert had a difficult time pulling my fingers of the keypad. It was the need I had to connect, let him know I was thinking of him, share that “one last thought.” I could have called, yes, but I didn’t. I texted. He texted back. And then I wrote something, realized it communicated nothing, quickly realizing I had hoped that by sending the text it would invite some sort of sympathetic response. It was as if I I were going to text not necessarily to communicate something, but  instead, use the text as an attempt to GET HIM to text me what I WANTED to HEAR.

Is this valuable communication?

I think not, which is why (breathe a sigh of relief here) I put my phone away and busied myself with the act of living my life. I went for a run. I started a new book and sat outside in the sunshine reading. Played with my children, and talked things over with a friend. The bottom line is this: I did not text. I stopped. I waited to have conversation when he returned, after we had both had time to collect our thoughts.  I chose to speak directly to each him, listening, hearing, and then processing the feelings and thoughts LIVE, in person, in the moment. No writing, editing or second guessing required.

Now, I will tell you that I have had YEARS of experience in the department of texting to chat. Texting to “touch base.” I even had some of my best fights with my ex-boyfriend over texting while I was watching my youngest daughter take a gymnastics class. This was hard-core, insult tossing, DRAMATIC texting. And this was back when I had a little Nokia and had just learned what it was to use “predictive text.” In fact, when I first met The Brit, I remember beginning to have some sort of texting conversation that involved grey and green text boxes that were more than two-three inches long. Ideas were miscommunicated. It was ridiculous until, thankfully, after two such exchanges he picked up the phone to discuss directly. Ultimately, text conversations go nowhere.

Agreed?
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For those of you who have been here for a while,or for those who are new, it’s time for a pop quiz!

Here’s the question:

What does it mean to “date with dignity?”

The Man Panelists, who are going to be live at the event on March 4th, chimed in recently with their interpretations, and a few choice excerpts appear below.  The reason I am sharing this with you today, is that it is my intention this month to kill one of the biggest Urban Legend’s that surround dating; the false belief that “there are no good men out there,” or “all the good men are gay or taken,”  or “I’m not pretty, skinny, or tall enough to get someone whom I find attractive.”

It’s crap.  All of it.

Which is why I want you to hear it straight from the proverbial “horse’s mouth” today.  But there is more to this, it is truly understanding that in order to Date with Dignity you need to be clear on the following:

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