As a dating coach, one of the questions that I get A LOT is “Why am I still single?. I’m smart, successful, self-aware and was able to manifest pretty much everything else I’ve ever wanted. But not this”.
I bet you guessed it already or the thought crossed your mind at one point or another. Yes, the truth is, and don’t hate on me for writing this, YOU are keeping yourself single.
Real Reasons Why Am I Still Single?
1. Being Single Became Your Comfort Zone
There is a part of you that gets something out of you being single. There’s an unconscious gain for you staying stuck. There’s something you get out of being single. And I call that…
“Your Cozy, Comfy, Condo.”
It’s the part of your life that feels really familiar and safe. And you can sit there comfortably, numb out with wine, scroll on social media… and just be safe. There is some part of you that gets something out of it.
There is a risk you’re not taking and there’s a safety valve in place – that safety feels good to you. It feels like you’re in control.
But it’s an illusion. The problem is that it’s so damn comfy. You could stay there for years and not even notice. And your dream of finding the one will be just that – a dream. Never a reality. And the rest of your life will become a mirror of that place. In fact it might already be that… comfortable but unremarkable. And that may be why you’re here – because in your heart you want a remarkable life.
2. You're Not Planning Your Love Life
Another common mistake that a lot of people do, is that they don’t plan out their dating and love life. They leave it for luck. They cross their fingers and wish for a magical meeting to happen organically on the street, at the gym or at the office. While wishful thinking is great and these things do happen sometimes, statistically speaking, it is rare, especially with all of us out there buried in our mobile phones and completely oblivious to the world around us! Being successful at dating does not happen by chance. We are not born with the dating skills we need to attract and keep a partner. We have to learn those skills and practice them, while maintaining our unique identity.
3. Unhealed Trauma
Witnessing a dysfunctional relationship between adults or being abandoned, neglected or abused as a child leaves psychological scars that could lead some people down the road to avoid being in relationships altogether. Those wounds might be buried down too deep that the person him/herself are not aware of their unconscious relentless attempts to sabotage any relationship. Recognizing this early trauma is the first step towards healing and finding the right partner for you.
4. Your Attachment Style
Our upbringing or later experiences in life as adults could also drive us to become emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability manifests itself differently in women than men and our fixation on emotionally unavailable men could be a sign of our emotional unavailability and our unconscious attempt to avoid being in a serious relationship. Having an anxious-avoidant attachment style could also lead us to avoid relationships. So, identifying your attachment style could provide you with some much needed insights on the reasons for your romantic struggles.
5. Low Self Esteem
Believing that you’re unworthy of love; that you’re too old, not pretty enough, tough to handle, etc. would naturally make you withdraw into your shell fearing that others can not really love you. Well, you’ve got one thing right! If we don’t love ourselves, if we’re not comfortable in our skins, if we do not accept our flaws, then those around us will not stick around. Finding the right partner entails loving and accepting ourselves with all our flaws. Practice self-love, plan some “me time”, face yourself in the mirror staring at what you like least in your reflection and make peace with it (no one is perfect!), surround yourself with people who love and support you and make a list of all the good things that your future partner will enjoy once they meet you. Once you start making these little changes and practice silencing those negative thoughts, you’ll realize how much there is to love and cherish about you and how lucky your future partner is!
6. Unrealistic Expectations
Wanting to find your perfect partner or aiming at a man out of your league is perfectly legit. The problem arises when we do not accept that our partner might be flawed, and expecting him to be perfect in every way and form. News Flash: This person does not exist! Every human being on this earth comes with his baggage (psychological, financial, ex wife or kids or both, etc.). Here’s the difference, the perfect partner would be accountable and responsible for his baggage and will not weigh you down with it, a not so-perfect partner will drag you into his troubled life and suck you into his drama, an unrealistic partner is someone who has no issues in his life whatsoever.
3- Step Plan to Tackle "Why Am I Still Single" Dilemma
Step 1: Make Lists
- Make a list of what you love most about being in your comfy cozy condo. Whether it’s the feeling of freedom or being in control… or not getting hurt again… or not having to be afraid that once he sees the ‘real you’ he will bolt.
- Make a list of the things you could do to meet your partner. Don’t wait for it to happen. You could pick a couple of online dating sites and start chatting, plan more outings, or work with a dating coach to help you identify your particular issues that are keeping you stuck.
- Dig deep in your past with the help of a professional, and ask yourself did something happen that is unconsciously causing your avoidance of getting serious.
- Identify your attachment style. Trust me, this one is a game changer!
- Write a list of all the great things you have to offer to your partner. Tape that list to your mirror and review it while you brush your teeth, and if some still feel unbelievable seek the advice of a dating coach, therapist or trusted professional to help unpack it finally and for the last time.
- Write a list of your non-negotiables in your partner, or the list of values that you can not compromise (e.g. honesty, independence, kindness, etc.).
Step 2: Identify Your Gains
Review those lists and Identify your gains, if you start actively making changes. Identifying your gains will help you stay motivated in this journey.
Step 3: Devise an Action Plan
Devise a realistic action plan that works for you. Allow someone to help you even though you can do the task yourself. Prove to yourself that you can receive assistance and still maintain your independence.
P.S. If you’re ready to uncover what’s holding you back from the loving committed relationship your heart desires, so that you can finally have a man who makes you feel loved, respected, and valued… Join us at Ignite Your Life here!
