Life Check Yourself Episode 350 – The #1 Question You Ask a Man After the One You Ask About His Relationship Goals with Chris & Dr. Emily
Marni, Chris Gillis, and Dr. Emily discuss the emotional trainwreck that was last week’s Bachelorette. Beyond Rachel and Gabby needing therapy, they believe the guys who are left to be high-quality guys. Lessons strained out of the cold soup that was this episode include being realistic about what makes a good, long-term relationship and being present when important milestones are happening.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Be clear about what you want early in a relationship
- Always ask the follow-up question — What do you mean exactly?
- How to spot a high-quality guy
- Feeling lovable even when you have childhood trauma
It’s All About Expectations [1:30]
Marni points out that this episode brings to light something many people struggle with — Making sure the person they are interested in has the same expectations and is looking for the same thing as they are. And, the importance of always asking the follow-up question — What do you mean by that exactly?
During this episode, we find out that five of the six guys don’t want to be engaged. The contestants seem to believe that winning is what is important and the connection with the other person doesn’t seem to matter. Case in point, Rachel’s mind is melting because she just wants a proposal.
Sometimes we get attached to what we think we want and we are not being present to what is actually happening.
There are two seemingly high-quality guys making a reasonable ask of Rachel. They want to see where she lives first. Aven passionately says he is not rejecting Rachel but she doesn’t seem to be listening to him. Rachel told her family she was not going home until she was engaged. Dr. Emily says Aven seemed like the perfect guy but Rachel rejected him because he wouldn’t decide within 48 hours.
Rachel needs some training on how to be empathetic, how to be more direct, and how to speak her needs without manipulating guys.
Conflict in a relationship can be healthy but you need to know how to get back to compatibility.
Gabby Can’t Prove She is Lovable [18:51]
Just the slightest bit of love and attention becomes overwhelming to Gabby. Even though she seems hell-bent on proving how unlovable she is, Dr. Emily says Gabby’s identity is so tightly tied to her trauma and wounding that every action she takes is colored by her limiting core belief.
It’s impossible to find someone to fill the hole in your soul.
Gabby regurgitates her limiting beliefs too many times for her to ever break free of them. Chris says she may need too many hours of therapy before she can handle her 50% of a relationship.
Why Did Gabby and Rachel Not Find Love? [29:35]
Marni poses the question — Why did Rachel and Gabby end up with guys who are not ready to commit to a relationship?
Chris thinks it was rushed. He says that everyone loves Gabby but she can’t shake her issues of not knowing what to make of being loved. Marni thinks Rachel only chooses guys who choose her. It may feel safe to her because she knows the guys are already interested. Dr. Emily thinks Aven is a high-quality dude that Rachel isn’t ready for.
Be clear about what you want and ask for it early on in a relationship.