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Am I Texting Him Too Much?

Am I Texting Him too much
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If you’re wondering to yourself, “Am I texting him too much?”, your intuition might be true, and it is a serious but very common problem. To help you with this problem, here’s Dating with Dignity‘s step-by-step guide to help you understand what qualifies as “too much texting”, the real reasons for your excessive texting and how to master the art of moderate texting. 

What Is "Too Much Texting"?

1. You're Expressing Your feelings Through Text

If you find yourself pouring your gut out over text, maybe writing long love letters, expressing anger, arguing, or trying to resolve an issue, then you’re probably guilty of over-texting. The golden rule for texting is that texting should only convey factual information. While it might be hard to commit to this harsh rule, it is necessary to follow. Never text your feelings away over text. Instead, express yourself in the old fashioned way of meeting face to face and discussing things. A lot of miscommunication could occur over text, when we are missing all the facial and bodily gestures and tone of voice. You can come off as too dramatic, needy or clingy, while in your head you were only communicating how you felt at the moment.

2. You're Always Initiating the Texting

Now, there is nothing wrong with initiating a conversation with a guy, but you may want to hold off texting him first. Good communication has to be balanced and mutual. If you’re always initiating conversations over text, then you might be coming off to men as having a tiny bit of masculine energy

3. Your Texts Are Significantly Longer Than His

 Another critical aspect that we usually dismiss as mere differences between men and women, is that your texts consists of multiple lines, while his are merely “Yes”, “No” or an emoji. This could indicate that instead of pulling him closer, your texting is actually pushing him away. 

4. You're Texting In A Row

When you send multiple texts in a row, without even giving him the chance to answer, perhaps sending the first thing that comes to your mind, only to realize that it came wrong, and having to explain what you just said, it could be read negatively by guys. It could be seen as being impulsive, reluctant, hesitant or too desperate to connect. 

5. He Responds Late or Does Not Respond At All

Perhaps the most telling sign that you’re over-texting (& maybe that he is pulling away) is your man is turning a deaf ear to your texts and coming up with excuses later. This is perhaps your wake-up call to stop right there and reassess the situation. 

Why Am I Texting Him Too Much?

Acknowledging that you’re over texting is the first step towards finding that balance of communicating without being pushy or needy. The second is understanding the reasons for your excessive communication.
Any thing that we do excessively, from cleaning, working, working out, to eating and drinking and texting, usually stems from anxiety. Your anxious state could indicate that something buried deep inside is stirred up and that you’re seeking immediate relief. 

Common Triggers for Over Texting

  • It could be your need to connect with another person.
  • It could be your way to get that reassurance that you need from the other person, to get the exact response that you want to hear. 
  • It could be your way to get the attention that you secretly crave.
  • It could be your way of getting empathy from the other person.
  • It could be that you’re have an anxious attachment style.

How to Stop Texting Him Too Much?

Now that you know that you’re probably anxious and that some old buried fear or wound is coming to the surface, first try and understand what is causing this regression (e.g. does it remind you of a time when you were abandoned or a time when you felt used?) and find yourself a healthy distraction (go out with friends, watch a movie, listen to music, etc.). Most importantly remember that you and you alone can soother your anxiety, no amount of text messaging or venting can make you feel better. In fact, you’ll only come to regret it later. 

And Before You Hit Send,

1. Stop, THINK, and BREATHE. No, really. BREATHE!

2. Then, ask yourself what specific piece of information you are trying to communicate? If, in fact, you are trying to share a feeling, then DON’T send a text. 

3. If you want to share a feeling, decide if it is something that can be held until you gather your thoughts on the topic. If not, dial the phone to speak in person, or arrange an in-person conversation.

4. If you want to “ask” if he/she has “thought about plans” previously mentioned, or just want to remind someone that you are alive and kicking, DON’T do it. It’s simple. Men I have interviewed consistently say that when they want to talk to you, they WILL DO IT. If not, as it has been said, “he is just not that into you.” I know this hurts, and at first glance you can make yourself think it feels better to have control over the situation, but the truth is (and you know this already) this: After you hit send and get NO response, or a cold ambivalent response, you feel BAD. There is no way to sugar coat this. It sucks.

5. Remember the feeling you get when you DON’T get the response you want from a text. Think about it. Where does it live in your body? Your gut? Your chest? Feel it now. Then, ask yourself, do I want to have this feeling? Is it worth it?

Bottom Line

Communication is critical for any relationship, but the key thing to remember here is that it has to be mutual. You have to give a man space to wonder what you’re up to, reach out and maybe even pursue you

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Marni Battista is a certified professional dating and relationship expert specializing in helping high achieving women find love.

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