Seven Tips to Be a Savvy Dater: What Men Never Tell You
While our male counterparts can confuse the heck out of us Dignity Daters, sometimes they can be the best when it comes to dishing out dating advice. Now that you have access to the Dating with Dignity’s Men’s Advice Column (Starting with these seven dating tips for women from men!), you’ll never be confused again.
1. Do your own thing. Don’t let a man become the center of your universe. If you make a man your whole life, he’s going to lose interest because he will most likely feel smothered! Remember, he fell in love with the dynamic “you” who has her own interests and passions who wanted to make him a part of your life, not the whole darn thing. Men are attracted to confident women who get the concept of “interdependence.” Interdependence requires that you’re both independent and dependent; that means you create sacred space for your relationship as well as sacred space for your work, passions and friends. Don’t lose the things that are most important to you, and keep doing what you were doing before you started dating him: your Sunday morning yoga class, a yearly vacation with your college roommates, etc.
2. Don’t overindulge on a date. While you might think it cute to have three glasses of wine at dinner, he does not. Let him get to know you as you are. If you need to loosen up before a date, watch a comedy right before you leave or take a walk. Also, order a real dinner. One guy told us that he went on a first date and his date wouldn’t order any food because she wasn’t “hungry.” But then every time he cut a piece of steak on his plate, she reached over and ate it! Best to leave your glass half full and your plate empty(ish).
3. Some men ARE afraid of commitment (so they might need a little more time than you to decide if you’re the one). Even if a guy is relationship ready, if you bring up on date three that you’re ready for a relationship he’ll likely question whether you really want to be in a relationship with HIM or if you’re ready for a relationship with anyone. He’s going to wonder how after two dinners and one museum trip you already know that you want him to be your boyfriend. So even though it’s great to let a new guy know where you are in your life or about your dating goals, take the time to get to know him before you decide. (We recommend that you hold that conversation until at least date three or four). As a result, he’ll feel a whole lot better about the possibility of having a relationship if you give him a little time. Don’t rush the getting-to-know-each-other part. Not only is this phase of dating exciting, but it also allows you time to “data date” and collect the information you need to determine if he’s boyfriend material AND someone you want to be in a relationship with.
4. We always want you to invite us in after a first date, but we secretly hope you’ll say no. If you want to show a man that you’re girlfriend material, don’t hook up with him on the first date. It will probably make him wonder if you would do the very same thing with every other Tom, Dick and Harry. This is also a good way to feel out whether he’s looking for some casual fun or something a little more serious. Often we believe that a man will expect us to get physical from the get-go and that if we don’t, men will lose interest if it doesn’t happen right away. In fact, it’s actually the opposite. It’s not a deal breaker every time, but it does make the “getting to know you” part more complicated.
5. Don’t call us all the time. Let us call you. If you’re consistently calling, texting, emailing, and doing all the asking out, a man won’t have to lift a finger. Let the communication be balanced. This is not to say that you can’t ever reach out to a man you’re dating, but let him do the asking out–at least in the early stages. If you’re both interested in each other, there will be a natural balance in the amount of communication. If you feel like you may be guilty of over-calling, take a break and see if he comes back and puts in the effort. If so, wonderful. And if not? Move on, sister! You deserve someone who wants to reach out to you, call you, and ask you out.
6. Don’t assume you are exclusive. As scary as it may seem to talk to your man about not seeing other people, it’s even scarier to just assume he isn’t seeing other people. Words are helpful, and you should use them sometimes. So he tells you he wants to introduce you to his sister? Awesome! Still doesn’t mean you’re exclusive. Try something like, “You know, I’d really like not to see other people. How do you feel about that?” If he gives you an answer you aren’t looking for, buh-bye. And if he gives you a yes, fantastic! Go for it!
7. Men aren’t all the same, so give them a chance! As easy as it would be to base every opinion you have on an experience you had with a guy or listen to your best guy friend’s advice, not all men are the same. So even though these dating tips from men can be very helpful, men are ultimately individuals. Let them show up and show you how much they’re interested! Men are often more helpful than not, right? So if these seven dating tips for women from men weren’t enough for you, check back for more soon.