Life Check Yourself Episode 378 Signs You Should Run For The Hills (That Are Dangerous and Easy To Miss) With Dr. Emily Owens & Chris Gillis
Marni, Chris and Dr.Emily use reality tv show, Love is Blind, as a blueprint for the behaviors and habits that should have you running for the hills. The contestants’ actions and reactions echo much of the dos and don’ts that we fall into when dating IRL. The trio ponder the signs that could be used as a warning hazard when it comes to jumping into the dating pool. They take a deep dive into the interpersonal interactions that are part and parcel of the reality show and much of the time, our own lives.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Collect your own data before making a snap judgment
- Forgiveness is important
- No one’s agreeable round the clock
- His transparency is a good sign
- Does he avoid conflict at all costs?
- Love takes work
Should You Listen to His Friends? [12:18]
When his friends tell you he’s flaky, should you believe them? Or maybe they’ve convinced you that he’s selfish, should that be a warning sign for you to run for the hills?
It’s natural for your instinctive reaction to lean towards believing them. After all, they are his friends. And in some cases, they might be right. But context is everything. Your experience with him should count for something. Collecting data on the person from your own firsthand experience, in the grand scheme of things, should carry more weight than what someone says or doesn’t say about your partner. If what they’re saying rings true, then that to a certain extent, has been your experience with him. It also depends on what it is that’s being said.
Marni brings up Matt and Coleen as an example of this. Matt’s character is somewhat aggressive, and he projects onto the person he’s dating. And his friends seem to corroborate that by adding that he has big emotions, which is not completely inaccurate in this particular case.
Mark was also completely unforgiving towards Coleen in certain instances, in that he didn’t have the ability to hear her out before choosing to react. So, maybe his friends weren’t completely off-base. And that’s what Coleen’s experience with him brought to light.
That being said, ultimately, regardless of whether or not you choose to believe his friends, trust what he’s showing you, and do your own digging before dismissing.
Transparency is Key [20:30]
A common mistake couples make IRL is lack of transparency. A lot of times, people aren’t transparent with their emotions, or their feelings towards certain behaviors coming from their partner. With SK and Raven, he never addressed any of the issues he had within the relationship, even when some of her demands seemed outrageous. SK didn’t even make an effort to discuss them.
And that’s not dissimilar to what happens on the dating scene. Chris adds that it’s borderline selfish. Because when your partner doesn’t speak up in an effort to avoid conflict at all cost; they end up hurting you anyway in most cases. For any relationship to work, you need to be honest with each other, even when your lack of transparency is in an effort to protect your partner. Trust that they can handle the truth, and that you can sort it out together, rather than going off and making decisions on your own, on both your behalf. And not being honest about them.
You think you’re protecting somebody but you’re actually setting them up for a really devastating experience. That’s not kind; that’s not helping your partner; that’s not being supportive.
Sometimes he’s not a jerk; he’s just oblivious [25:35]
Marni points to a scene on Love is Blind that is a perfect example of taking things out of context, where Cole’s words are misconstrued by Zanab, and he’s accused of commenting negatively on her weight. The scene leaves viewers wondering if Cole was in fact body-shaming Zanab. Upon getting the full picture, it’s apparent that Zanab was projecting her own insecurities onto him. Zanab’s insecurities run so deep that she almost sees the world through that lens.
She’s filtering the entire world in such a way that she’s only hearing what is kind of resounding with her own fears.
That being said, Cole has also proven over and over again throughout the season that he’s oblivious, not just in terms of Zanab’s relationship with food and her own body but in general.
In this particular situation, Dr.Emily clarifies that she feels for both of them. On the one hand, Cole is completely unaware of how deep his partner’s issues run, and on the other hand, Zanab is so completely drowned by her own insecurities that she may not even realize she’s projecting. Both these behaviors can, and do happen with all of us.
It’s important to note the difference between when we’re self-projecting and when the person has actually done something to offend us. And this confusion usually happens when we’re not self-aware.