Life Check Yourself Episode 373 Nobody Meeting Your Standards? You Just Might be Too Judgmental with Dave Neal
Marni welcomes Dave Neal in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss what some of us could be doing wrong when it comes to dating. Using the contestants on the Bachelor as a point of reference, they talk about the different types of men (and women), and how they come off versus who they really are. Dave is a podcaster dubbed by Marni as the “King of Bachelor Nation”, and a stand-up comedian. Marni and Dave ponder why the behavior of some of the contestants hits so close to home. Falling in love is tough business, and sometimes you need to put in the work and accept that maybe you’re letting your ego get in the way. In this episode, the duo talks about how to look past the superficial, and who to give a chance to and when. And more importantly, why no one is living up to the idea you’ve built for yourself of the right person. Because sometimes it really is you, and not him.
- Even pretty people have insecurities
- How to keep your ego from getting in the way
- Who are the ones you should root for?
- Get to know the person, not his CV
- How he handles rejection is a good indicator of who he is
- Intimidating and bossy isn’t a good color on you
What’s Your Security Currency [03:30]
Think of the word security. What images does it drum up? Each one of us has a specific perception of what security looks like. For some, it might be the high-paying job; for others it might be compassion. We each define security through our own unique lens, and that’s why it looks different for different people.
Dave explains that regardless of all the varying definitions of the concept of security, it all boils down to energy and power. He goes on to paint a picture of the woman with the high-paying job, who for her, finding someone more creative is what she yearns for. Dave emphasizes that while we don’t always know exactly what we can do to be more attractive to someone else; we can glean much of what we do wrong by observing the behavior of the contestants on the Bachelor. And one of them is accepting that we’re all attracted to different things. What security looks like for one person, looks completely disparate to someone else.
What’s more is that women also sometimes forget that men have the same fears, doubts, and worries that we all do.
Women are dating and they have this illusion that if the guy is out of their league or really good-looking, that he’s not going to have insecurities and be human.
This is a trap a lot of us fall into, where we need to remind ourselves that we’re all human; we’ve all got insecurities; we all second-guess ourselves; and we all fall short sometimes.
Fall in Love with Values, Not a Bank Account [10:16]
A lot of women want it all and don’t want to make a compromise. They’re hyper focused on the financials rather than the values the person in front of them holds. At the end of the day, you’re building a life with a person, not with a bank account. We’ve seen this scenario unfold over and over again, not just on the bachelor but IRL, where women won’t give the person the time of day unless they’ve made it.
Dave uses the example of Kate and Logan from the Bachelor, where she’s somewhat shallow and only looking for financial security. Logan is a filmmaker and a musician; he’s a creative. And he knows how to hold his own in a conversation. And yet Kate doesn’t find him “successful” enough. It’s not only about dating someone who’s made it, sometimes it’s about going through the journey with him, and believing in the person standing in front of you.
That’s one of the biggest mistakes that women make where the list of what they want is so high, and it’s not about values or who someone really is.
People are multifaceted, and while it’s important to fall in love with the person and not the potential, it’s equally vital to look past the superficial, and really get into what this person has to give and who they are. We can’t all be billionaire hedge-fund scions, and maybe that’s a good thing.
The Good Ones Know How to Handle Rejection [17:08]
How he handles rejection is a good indicator of who he is. Danny notes that with the women (and the men on the show), they’re all very good-looking. And for the women, IRL they probably don’t get rejected that often. Going off that, he explains that how you handle rejection, as a man or a woman, shows a different side of you.
When talking about men specifically, the podcaster emphasizes that the ones who handle rejection well are more likely than not, one of the good ones. They’ve been rejected before; it’s not the end of the world. And to a certain extent, rejection humbles them. It allows them to put their ego aside.