Life Check Yourself Episode 372 How to Make Sure You Don’t Waste Your Time With the Wrong Guy with Chris Gillis
Marni and Chris analyze the couples on reality TV show, Love is Blind, and dig into how and why their behaviors change once they’re out of the pods. They draw parallels between the contestants’ actions on the reality show, and our own interactions with our partners when we’re dating IRL. Marni and Chris ponder why our insecurities manifest when we’re dating, and how they, in turn, affect the person in front of us. Asking the questions that matter, and giving us the answers, of course, the duo delve into the intricacies of romancing and all that comes with.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Get crystal clear on what you need
- Is honesty always the best policy?
- Why are second dates scarier than first dates?
- His words need to match his actions
- How to let him tear that wall down
- When to accept his apology
He’s Projecting His Baggage Unto You [04:20]
After a certain age, we’ve all got baggage. And in a lot of scenarios, we project that baggage onto the person in front of us. That being said, sometimes what he says is not about you at all, but about his own insecurities. This was clearly the case with Shake and Deepti. Shake was consistently projecting his own baggage on Deepti. And it’s not necessarily that he was a D-bag; he just had low self-worth. Marni points out the time that Shake tried to find out Deepti’s weight by subtly asking if she’d be able to get up on his shoulders at the concert. However, it wasn’t so much that he was worried about her weight or size, but rather about his own size. It became clear that Shake felt like he was small, and projected that onto his partner on the reality show.
This is the case IRL: the people with the lowest self-esteem are, a lot of the time, the same ones who are constantly picking apart someone else. In that case, it’s not you, it really is him.
Why is Dating so Scary? [07:45]
Once out of the pods, it almost seemed like a lot of the contestants wanted to go back to how things were in their pods. And that’s not so different from real life, where we’re constantly wondering why our partner can’t be more like how they were in the beginning, when it all first started.
Chris draws a similarity between leaving the pod and going on a second date. Leaving the pod is kind of like getting past the first date and actually realizing that the person likes you. He explains that the reason second dates are scarier than first dates is because of the expectation we put on ourselves. On a first date, it doesn’t really matter what happens. But once you make it to that second one, the takeaway from the first date is that you and that person like each other; they’re going to start finding out who you really are. It’s time to get deeper; it’s time for you to show up and get to know one another. And that can be terrifying, because it’s at that point that you’re scratching the surface of who the person really is.
It’s almost like they want to climb back in that womb, and have that pod, that safety. It’s a safer place.
Let Him to Tear Down That Wall [09:28]
Most of us have a wall built up; one that we’ve carefully cemented over the years after having our hearts broken over and over. But, how do we know when it’s time to let our partner break it down?
When Alexa eventually decided to lean into Brennon, it was after she’d repeatedly put her flaws and insecurities out there. She was constantly searching for validation from him, and it almost seemed like she was pushing him away. Once she realized that Brennon was here to stay, she eventually started trusting him and opening up. It was only when Brennon proved to be patient, and showed his vulnerability, that she, in turn, did the same. He didn’t get discouraged and he didn’t run for the hills. His actions matched his words. And Alexa heard him and gave in. There is a caveat though, it’s that line that we need to carefully tread between being upfront about who we are versus constantly droning on about our insecurities and whether the person can handle us. Marni explains that pushing someone away too much, and consistently, might sometimes go too far and you end up missing out.
There comes a moment where you have to lean in and you have to trust yourself enough to know that even if it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be okay.
When dating, going in with an open heart and mind sometimes pays off. Being curious and optimistic is difficult but worth it. That doesn’t have to be the case with every single guy, but trust yourself enough to know the difference, and that you’ll get back up if it doesn’t work out. After all, isn’t part of the beauty of falling in love is the risk that comes with it?