Dating Den Episode 265 – How to Know When You Should Get Back with Your Ex with Chris Gillis
Marni and Chris discuss the dating lessons gleaned from the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise. They touch on great basic dating tips to how to get past your childhood wounds and date like an adult.
Key takeaways from this episode:
- Rekindling with an Ex
- Having sex on the first date
- Playing the victim when you don’t get what you want
- Dealing with anxiety while dating
- Overcoming insecurity
Can a Relationship Be Rekindled After a Breakup [1:02]
Kendall, Grocery Store Joe’s ex-fiance, comes back to see if the relationship can be rekindled. They obviously share a physical attraction and connect on many things, but Kendall doesn’t want to talk about why they ended things in the first place. They have goals and values that don’t match up. Joe wants to live in Chicago. Kendall likes L.A.
Chris loves that relationships can be rekindled but warns guys if they get a second shot don’t chase the girl.
Marni says rejection is God’s protection. If you are dating someone and you are unable to resolve the 69% of perpetual problems and you can’t manage conflict the relationship will probably not work out in the long run. Love is necessary but it’s not enough.
To get back with your ex — You have to agree about the problem you broke up over and work through it.
Stay cautiously optimistic and not rush toward exclusivity.
Then they discuss Disaster Demi. She gets upset when Kenny dates other people after they sleep together. She tries to seduce him again and Kenny is obviously over it. Marni notes if you make a decision to sleep with someone, communicate your expectations around it or assume it means nothing. Demi turns into a victim when she doesn’t get what she wants and it is off-putting.
Leading with sex is not the way to a quality guy’s heart.
How to Deal with the Anxiety When You Really Like a Guy [17:11]
How Marissa acts when Riley is out with other people is an example of the ugly side of anxiety. Marissa had never been on a real date and admits she has walls up. During her date with Riley, she has sex with him. Then when Riley goes to a disco, Marissa freaks out. She likes him so much she is leaking insecurity everywhere. She doesn’t feel worthy and it is not attractive.
If you find yourself feeling insecure:
- You are not comfortable in your worthiness
- Wounded parts of you get triggered and you don’t know how to self-soothe
- You don’t know how to manage your emotions
Chris points out that we act like the worst versions of ourselves when we are most excited about getting what we want. He says it is when we tend to fall apart and self-sabotage.
If you are a woman who gets anxious when you like a guy:
- Have healthy coping mechanisms, soothe yourself, and look on the bright side
- Consider what you are learning from the situation and focus on the adjustments you need to make.
- Get advice from a trained expert.
Attracted to the Same Guy as Your Friend? [34:52]
In dating, until you have the exclusivity conversation, it is important to remember that you don’t own a person. Many women get into trouble when they form unhealthy attachments. You have to be honest with yourself and even if you have gone out with the guy a few times you have to trust the process. If he wants to date someone else, so be it.
Remember you are dating to try and find your person.
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