The art of texting in dating and relationships is a skill on which most of us could improve. In the age of constant contact via social media and especially texting, there are some Dating with Dignity guidelines to successfully navigate this world within your relationships.
When it comes to texting and relationships, there’s a fine line between keeping him interested and driving him away. So are you guilty of over-texting your guy? Here are a few ways to find out:
1. If your text is longer than the length of your thumb, it’s TOO LONG.
Texting is a great medium for communication, especially when it comes to things like wishing someone good luck on an interview or confirming a meeting place. It can also be great in a relationship to send a quick note letting your guy know you’re thinking about him (provided you aren’t only going into date number two). But if you’re dating a new guy or in a relationship and your text is so long it has to be divided into three paragraphs, it’s definitely too long.
Also, it’s very easy to misinterpret texts since you aren’t communicating directly. When the nuances of voice, tone and body language are missing, the little gremlin voice inside often assumes the worst and interprets every message based on the filter of your past experiences. If you’re trying to engage in a conversation or express frustration, anger or disappointment, don’t hit Send! Instead, save it for a real, live conversation. It will probably go better; and most importantly, you won’t have to wait for a response (or, even worse, give him ample time to write a message designed to manipulate rather than communicate).
2. Do you text him daily to check in? Or are you expecting him to text every day?
If you are, then you’re definitely guilty of over-texting and unrealistic expectations. Texting him daily to say hi without giving him the chance to think of you is likely to send him packing.
If you’re the one constantly texting him first, even if it’s just say hello or check in, you’re setting the framework for your relationship. And the framework you’re creating is one where he just sits back and let’s you do all the work. If you want to have that type of relationship, then be our guest. However, if you’re looking for a balanced relationship with a quality man who is relationship-ready, make sure he puts in the effort to “court” you.
3. Patience is a virtue; impatience is not.
If you find yourself anxiously waiting for your guy to write you back, obsessively looking at your phone, and missing out on the NOW moments of your real life, if may indicate that you’re making dating your whole life rather than a part of it. If you feel like he’s taking “ too long” (whatever that means to you) and you often send multiple question marks instead of giving your guy some time to reply (Maybe he’s in the shower!), you’re pushing too hard.
Give him some time. And if you’re with friends, at work, or at the gym, it’s not mandatory to respond within 30 seconds. As long as you’re not playing games, being actively engaged in your life ultimately creates a bit of mystery. Even five minutes can go a long way!
Texting is great; just keep yourself in check so instead of driving your man away, you keep him interested.
Oh Marni! I’m so glad to read this! In my last relationship I texted “jakky” daily, multiple times daily. I did so out of a feeling of obligation. In the beginning, “jakky” was so sweet and attentive. He would call or text me daily. He told me that he wanted me to text him everyday bc he just wanted to know I was okay. I thought it was very loving that “jakky” was so concerned about my well being. “jakky” used to make me feel that if I didn’t text him daily then I didn’t love him or want the same type of relationship he wanted. So I texted daily because I really wanted him to see that I did want the same thing he wanted. (Funny thought, that even after all my “following his rules” it wasnt until the end of the relationship that I was able to see that he never wanted a real relationship with me at all.)
I can clearly see your point about “the framework you’re creating is one where he just sits back and let’s you do all the work.” It was mentally and emotionally exhausting to make all the effort to contact him at this request, even though he had stopped responding to me along time ago. I can see my actions and how I was not aware of what type of relationship I was creating. I never created the mystery because I was so afraid of creating mystery would cause him to lose interest. Just the opposite happened with the way I was doing things. Lesson learned!
Regina
Love the reflection and insights, Regina. Keep sharing your journey with all of us! Big hugs, Marni
I’m glad to see you posting about this. I’m actually experiencing the same problem, but on the receiving end. It seems every time I meet a guy (especially guys from the dating website I use), they start texting me daily and often multiple times a day. Im not very responsive to the texts (unless we’re making plans), but they don’t seem to get the message. It’s as if they want “instant girlfriends” without putting in real time and effort. It’s a turn off for me.
I’m wondering if I should make a statement about it in my dating profile. Nothing harsh, but maybe a brief “dating philosophy” note on how I believe relationships are built on shared experiences and they can’t be rushed with texting, emails, questionnaires, phone calls, Face Time, Skype, etc.
What do you think?
Hmm, I can definitely see how that would be a bit of a turn off. Not being responsive won’t get the point across though, so I definitely recommend a more direct approach.
I wouldn’t mention your philosophy in your dating profile because not ALL men are overbearing texters, just some of them. Instead, maybe try a nice way of setting guys on the right track once they start texting you too much. For example, if a certain guy starts to get a little text message happy, say something like: “Hey John, I’m glad to hear from you! I’ve got a lot happening at work today/I’m at lunch with my girlfriends/I’m spending time with my kids so I can’t really text. Want to just give me a call/text tonight after 8 and we can chat?”
Hi, Marni ! Thank you for this post.
So, what if you’ve made this mistake ? Can you recover ? Instead of showing interest, I’m sure it was too much too soon, thinking I was following the rhythm of his wanting to text. Mine were definitely wordy.
Yes, you can recover. From this moment forward, text less! Keep your texts short and let him initiate contact for the most part. Good luck!