Dating Den Episode 63 – With Dolan Mayeda: The Shame Hack — What Single Women Need to Know About the Hidden Emotion that is Sabotaging Your Love Life
Is there a disconnect between your love life, and everything else in your life…?
Are you afraid that you don’t understand the whole man/love/relationship sequence as well as other women…?
When you do meet man you think you like, have you ever heard the feedback that he felt ‘no chemistry’…?
The truth is, there’s a hidden emotion that is SUPER common among high-achieving, single women…
And you’re probably shooting yourself in the foot with men, without even knowing it.
My guest today is the amazing Dolan Mayeda, author of The Shame Hack:Four Simple Questions to Help You Resolve Shame and Feel Understood.
He believes shame can be overcome with strategies that work within the logical brain to get to the emotional brain. This book can help you discover the truth and heal the hole in your heart.
Avoidance Techniques that have Become Habits or Behaviors [6:01]
Dolan tried feeling his feelings but he got frustrated when his shame wasn’t going away. He says if you don’t feel worthy, then you don’t realize how much you can disregard opportunities. Smart, successful people sabotage themselves every day by:
- Rationalization – Knowing the why won’t change how you feel.
- Distractions – If you are super busy you don’t have the time to feel your feelings.
- Inhibiting Defensive Behaviors – If you control the situation and conversation it leaves very little room for feedback.
When you feel overwhelmed by emotion, take a pause to see what you are avoiding.
Are You Really Feeling Your Feelings? [9:43]
Dolan says wallowing, or sitting in your feelings, is not actually feeling your feelings. If you don’t let the feeling come through your body, that is how you avoid it. If you are crying you are feeling the sadness not the reason behind what made you sad in the first place. Learn to recognize the underlying issues that make you feel a certain way.
Recognising Shame & Getting Over It [11:46]
Remember ladies, shame is a feeling. It’s when you feel not enough in some area of your life. There is a physical aspect to shame it can look like embarrassment or an elevated body response. Just like anger, there is a somatic experience that comes with shame.
Shame limits the depth of your connection and once you start to feel shame you will put up your defenses. You may put your burdens on others by thinking a relationship is the answer. But, others cannot fill the hole inside of you. You must do it for yourself.
Recognize you are in the midst of feeling shame. When you feel sad you cry and you recognize it as sadness. Do the same for shame.
It’s up to you. I know you can bust through all your programming and write yourself a new story!
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