Dating Den Episode 11 – With Marni Battista: How You Are Sabotaging Your First Dates and How to Stop
Ahh the magical ‘First Date’…
Even hearing the words can fill your body with a sense of HOPE…
Your veins work overtime to send a rush of dopamine to your brain….
You literally can’t wait!
You spend a long time getting ready, choosing the right outfit…
You get all your grooming done and maybe even break out something special… a specific piece of jewelry or a new perfume…
You’re excited but nervous…
Could this be it?
Are you going to start dating this great guy and become the envy of your friends?
Will this be the last ‘first date’ you ever go on?
It’s okay – we all do it!
You remind yourself to have an open mind… to not let the mistakes and missteps of the past weigh you down…
And yet… there they are.
Every time you felt judged, criticized, or even rejected…
The last time you got hurt…
You tell yourself this time is going to be different…
This time you are going to leave your baggage behind and have an open mind…
This time you are going to find LOVE…
My guest today, Sam, is a Human Rights lawyer. She dates a lot but can’t seem to find anyone she is interested in.
If a man is interested in her she runs away or isn’t attracted to him. And when she is interested, she has a tendency to sabotage her first dates.
In this episode we dive into what Sam needs to do to get the man and relationship her heart desires–a deeply committed relationship with a soulmate who has a passion for good causes and wants to change the world.
Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men [2:15]
Sam’s last serious relationship ended with her feeling like she gave more than received. She admits she struggles with communicating her needs and getting her needs met.
Even though Sam’s father supported her career goals and encouraged her to be the best person possible he was still emotionally unavailable. When Sam goes on a date her inner child is still searching for the love she never received from her father.
Sam needs to break free from her unhealthy patterns.
There is no such thing as perfect parenting.
You Are Worthy of Receiving Love & You Are Enough! [11:11]
Staying in the ‘Giver’ role is an unconscious game Sam plays with herself because it’s easy. Deep down she is afraid to receive love because she believes she isn’t worthy of it.
The safety of the giving role is that you never have to be vulnerable.
Sam has an imagined fear of being judged, criticized and getting hurt. Rejection feels very personal and makes her feel like she is not enough. If she did put herself out there she would feel like she failed.
She has made herself a vulnerability trap. -She is collecting evidence that is working against her.
Practice Receiving Love [17:50]
Sam says she gets an out of control feeling that she is not safe. It feels like ice in her chest. She pushes away and gets defensive. She dismisses men’s affection and she gets critical of them.
When this happens she is having a reaction to a childhood experience.
- Sam should practice a self-nurturing exercise of holding her own hand.
- Embody her highest adult self.
- Take a deep breath.
- Say something over and over until she moves past it.
When you are in self-perpetuating thoughts they are strong. They have been building up strength since your childhood. If you activate the amygdala part of your brain through breathing it can be like hitting the brakes on your car.
You Are an Adult, So Act Like One [27:00]
Sam’s limiting beliefs and her need to be right is getting her the opposite of what she really wants.
Her unmet childhood needs will always supersede her adult wants. It’s human nature to follow the rules.
Parent your emotional child by being an adult.
Sam’s homework is to re-assure her inner child that she will keep her safe. And, to not let the child in her get in the way of her having a deeply committed relationship.
Make a Connection:
“A vulnerability trap is when we collect evidence that we use against ourselves.”
“Childhood needs will always supersede adult wants.”
“Don’t allow your unmet childhood needs get in the way of the committed relationship you want.”