There are so many rules regarding bringing your feminine energy to the dating world. They float through the Internet, radio, and television and make it increasingly difficult to know exactly what the world expects. What’s more, so many women simply reject the whole concept of “feminine energy” out of hand, saying, “I am not going change who I am just to land a man. If he can’t deal with my energy, then tough. His loss.”
I understand where these women are coming from. Believe me, I do. I distinctly remember sitting at a workshop several years ago thinking that if a man didn’t like me the way I was—right at that moment—then “screw him.” The problem was that I had convinced myself that there was nothing I could work on, no way that I could improve myself or the way I was presenting myself to the world, and that the right guy would get it, would get me. I was happy (ish), confident (enough), and I had convinced myself that it was totally normal to not expect a man to like me and want me for who I was.
That is, until I decided I really did want to have a relationship. I didn’t want to stop being me, though. What I wanted was to bring the absolute best version of me to a relationship, but I didn’t know exactly what that was. What I did know was that, the authentic me was pretty darn vulnerable, exceptionally sweet, and very nurturing and I was pretty convinced at the time that this was a recipe for disaster when it came to dating successfully.
That was until I started to study femininity and realized that I totally have it. Tons of it, in fact. I just had no idea what it looked like to actually bring that femininity into the world of dating and relationships.
Here then, is the CliffsNotes version of what I learned, and what I tell my clients to begin noticing as they roll “feminine” into their very being.
Let yourself receive.
My colleague Mat Boggs describes this concept as “Joyful Receiving.” He urges women to simply let men “do” for them. From allowing him to pay for your parking, carry your gym bag, connect your DVD player to the television, choose the table at a restaurant, and drive thirty-five miles to your neighborhood for a date, all you need to do to play into your feminine is to say, “Yes, thank you.”
Give up the need to be right.
While I am not suggesting that you stop engaging in playful banter or expressing your own beliefs or point of view, telling him why your directions to the restaurant are better than his is not the best demonstration of your feminine energy. In fact, the need to be right is fundamentally “alpha male,” and a man will not be attracted to another alpha. The men I have interviewed and work with agree: Criticizing his choice or telling him he is wrong is a definite turn-off. Remember, if you truly desire a relationship, check your need to be right at the door. Remember that sometimes it is better to be smart than to be right.
Busy versus active.
You want to show the world that your life is full and interesting, that you are independent and can take care of yourself, but telling a man how “busy” you are may backfire, giving him the impression that you don’t have time for a partnership. And what many women don’t understand is that a man wants to be with a woman who needs him—for something. And, let’s face it ladies, while you don’t need a man, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t at least want one in your life!
When your very awesome life has resulted in a full schedule and a man asks you out, don’t respond by telling him how busy you are and that you’ll have to “let him know.” Instead, tell your suitor, “I am super active these days, but I would love to see you. How does your Thursday look?” This will land much softer, (and thus exude more of that feminine mystique men love) and show him that while your life rocks, there may actually be room for him in it for him if he is lucky.