Posts Tagged ‘single’
What’s Worse Than Coal in Your Stocking? A Bad Boy or Bad Girl in Your Bed!
By Carole Lieberman, M.D.
Yes, it’s very tempting to settle for anyone in your bed during the holidays, just so you don’t end the year alone. But, just like a lump of coal can disguise itself as an intriguing gift when it’s hiding inside your stocking, a bad boy or bad girl can disguise themselves as an intriguing new love when they are hiding behind a façade. Indeed, these manipulative lovers know that holiday time is a great time to go on the prowl because we are especially vulnerable. We all want a hot kiss from someone who’s madly in love with us as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve. So, unconsciously we hear our inner clock ticking as soon as the Halloween candy is gone, telling us it’s time to find that special someone.
As you know, it’s hardest to find love when you are desperately looking for it, so you might become easy prey for bad boys who are prowling for sex and other favors, and bad girls who are looking to trap ‘sitting ducks’. Here are some tips on how to recognize these heartbreakers.
In my book, Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them and When to Leave Them, I define 12 types of bad boys, such as the Fixer-Upper Lover, Compulsive Flirt, Commitment-Phobe, Self-Absorbed Seducer, Wounded Poet and Prince of Darkness. A bad boy is “both a lost little boy and a man with a dark side…. Because he’s aloof and elusive, you get caught up in the challenge and excitement of the chase – though he’s not always someone you’d really want even if you did capture him…. He’s a frog you hope to turn into a fairy-tale prince with the magic of your kiss.”
Similarly, in Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets, I define 12 types of bad girls – the ‘dozen dangerous damsels’. These include the Gold-Digger, Sex Siren, Husband Hunter and Trapper, Husband Stealer, Ball-Buster and Ultimate Damsel in Distress. “Just as little girls are forewarned that they’ll need to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince, society forewarns little boys that they’ll need to slay a lot of dragons before they’ll win the heart of their true princess.”
22
12 2011
Dating During the Holidays: Five Opportunities in the Midst of Crisis
By Ali Binazir, MD
Hooray for the holidays – a time for presents, parties, and love for all! Everyone’s in a good mood and having a ball! Right?
Well, sort of. In the midst of the celebrations, there is a dark side as well: the folks who felt lonely and isolated before the holidays may feel even more excluded and be pushed to despair. Rates of suicide and depression are sky-high during the holiday season.
So if you’re a single person – and perhaps perennially so – seeing all these lovey-dovey couples in their warm, impeccably-decorated households with their lovey-dovey couple friends may not do much to boost your mood.
But there is yet hope – opportunity in the midst of crisis! In my job as Captain Obvious, I’m happy to report that you are not alone in your singlehood. Before the holidays, there are about 50 million single women in the US and about the same number of single men. With the right mindset and a little bit of initiative, the holidays may be the best time for you to create some meaningful connections, anywhere from a pleasantly torrid make-out session to a life partner. Here are some ideas:
17
12 2011
What to Do When He Pulls Away
There is nothing more frustrating to the single woman than the moment she suspects the man she has tagged as “Mr. Possible Long-term Relationship,” begins to show signs of pulling away. Before we launch into signs he actually is “pulling away,” (there are signs you want to recognize) it’s critical to understand that, in truth, women may often only imagine the vanishing act is about to ensue when, in fact, it’s merely fear from past relationships that ended abruptly sparking your vivid imagination.
That said then, if the man you are dating has been consistently, over a four – eight week period for example, behaving as if he is interested in getting to know you better and the relationship is progressing, it could be a sign that it is YOU who is interpreting a variety of harmless behaviors as signs he is ready to bolt.
Why does this happen?
Often, the woman who says she is “ready to be in a relationship,” begins to imagine “pull away” syndrome (PAS) simply because she is truly terrified to begin to trust, become intimate (emotional as well as physically intimate) and may sabotage the process by leaking her fears. Here are two excellent examples of how this fear may surface:
09
11 2011
Why You’re Still Single
“Why am I still single?”
This question plagues just about every woman who comes to Dating With Dignity for coaching. Invariably, before coming to me for help, she has asked this same question of her girlfriends, her mother, her best male friend, and even her therapist. More often than not, when a woman comes to me for coaching, she has enjoyed success in so many other areas of her life, but has been unsuccessful at finding and/or keeping a loving relationship; and she is, to put it simply, mystified.
“It doesn’t make sense,” she declares. “Why?” she asks again. “Why am I STILL single?”
If you are asking yourself—and your friends, family, and mental health professionals—this question, I can help. The first step is examining the often contradictory and self-defeating beliefs that lie deep in your heart—beliefs you may not have admitted to yourself, let alone anyone else. These beliefs are likely the biggest obstacles standing between you and the relationship you desire. Once you’ve uncovered these beliefs, you’ll be ready to shed the “It doesn’t make sense” mantra and get on with making the changes necessary to find
the relationship of your dreams.
So, Why Are You Still Single?
14
09 2011
How to be Single and Happy During Valentine’s Day – Step 4: Master Skills
When it comes to being single, there are no days like Hallmark Holidays that can bring on feelings of dread, sadness, hopelessness, anger and good old disappointment. (I know this, as I was divorced and single for six years after my 19 year marriage to a man I met at 19 years old) What’s worse is that for most these women, it’s not just Valentine’s Day itself that makes them feel the ick. The truth is, the dread can begin as soon as the third week of January approaches (that’s typically when the New Year “high” begins to fade, the guys at the gym aren’t really that interesting, and the few dates from your new membership on Match.com were less than thrilling) which results in a downward spiral that can be tough to endure.
As a result, it’s important to have a plan; a blueprint of sorts that can enable you to master your happiness factor even when the crap feelings surface, despite your best intentions.
Introducing YOUR plan for Valentine’s Day – The Dating With Dignity C.A.L.M. Process.
The C.A.L.M. Process is a Four-Step Plan to ensure that you are always able to be that CAUSE of your feelings, rather than the effect. Because it is when we allow ourselves to fall victim to the “inner critic” voice inside that whispers, “you are not good enough,” or “it will never happen for me,” that life gets tricky and sends your “attraction factor” plummeting. And when that happens, it doesn’t matter how much you “wish” for a date on February 14th.
So take a deep breath, realize that this Valentine’s Day Season does not have to be like any other you have ever had, and dig into how to stay CALM amidst the “red” holiday hooplah.
There are four components to the C.A.L.M Process:
C – CHANGE Your Mindset
A – ADJUST it Always
L – LOVE Yourself
M – MASTER your SKILLS
Today, we will dig into why it’s important to realize that the skills you need may be those you were never taught, get an insight into what skills will bring the fastest results, and provide three tips you can begin now to ensure that you have a C.AL.M. Valentine’s Day Season.
07
02 2011
How to be Single and Happy During Valentine’s Day – Part 2: Adjust Always
When it comes to being single, there are no days like Hallmark Holidays that can bring on feelings of dread, sadness, hopelessness, anger and good old disappointment. (I know this, as I was divorced and single for six years after my 19 year marriage to a man I met at 19 years old) What’s worse is that for most these women, it’s not just Valentine’s Day itself that makes them feel the ick. The truth is, the dread can begin as soon as the third week of January approaches (that’s typically when the New Year “high” begins to fade, the guys at the gym aren’t really that interesting, and the few dates from your new membership on Match.com were less than thrilling) which results in a downward spiral that can be tough to endure.
As a result, it’s important to have a plan; a blueprint of sorts that can enable you to master your happiness factor even when the crap feelings surface, despite your best intentions.
Introducing YOUR plan for Valentine’s Day – The Dating With Dignity C.A.L.M. Process:
The C.A.L.M. Process is a Four-Step Plan to ensure that you are always able to be that CAUSE of your feelings, rather than the effect. Because it is when we allow ourselves to fall victim to the “inner critic” voice inside that whispers, “you are not good enough,” or “it will never happen for me,” that life gets tricky and sends your “attraction factor” plummeting. And when that happens, it doesn’t matter how much you “wish” for a date on February 14th.
So take a deep breath, realize that this Valentine’s Day Season does not have to be like any other you have ever had, and dig into how to stay CALM amidst the “red” holiday hooplah.
There are four components to the C.A.L.M Process:
C – CHANGE Your Mindset
A – ADJUST it Always
L – LOVE Yourself
M – MASTER your SKILLS
A – ADJUST it Always
L – LOVE Yourself
M – MASTER your SKILLS
Today, we will discover why you must always ADJUST your mindset so that you are no longer at risk of letting the circumstance of your past become a prediction of your future.
In my experience I have come to believe that there is an emotional “urban legend” run amok. An urban legend that states once you do “work” on yourself, or have a breakthrough, you will never again be susceptible to feelings of self doubt, fear, sadness, or anger. I work with men and women who become so frustrated that they are having feelings, when in fact, it is these feelings they “signed up” for when deciding to venture into the world of connection with other humans who wander the planet!
As a result of this, it is critical to understand deeply that as life “happens,” you will be triggered, angered, disappointed, frustrated, sad, as well as ecstatic! This is life! And, when you sign up to date, you are signing up to be IN your life as a full participant.
That’s why it’s imperative that you master the skills necessary to ALWAYS adjust your mindset back to it’s happy “set-point” without having to beat yourself up for it first.
In the work I do using the Core Energy Model, lower energetic vibrations (I call them Level 1: Victim Thoughts and Level 2: Conflict Thoughts can have a horrid systemic impact on your wellness. In addition to loading you up with stress-related hormones such as cortisol, you may feel anxious, worried, apathetic or lethargic. It is in moving to Level 3 – Coping, that allows you to raise your energy vibration into a more positive frequency.
The bottom line is this: In order to “Adjust Always” you must stop pointing the finger, assigning blame or feel disempowered. Making adjustments requires that you take responsibility for your mindset.
Use the following strategies to make adjustments to your mindset when you feel yourself plummeting into the “Red Zone” during Valentine’s Day Season:
- Shift your thinking from “poor me” to “what’s in it for me.” Begin to think of how you will gain from shifting your mindset. Create a mental list of the benefits you will enjoy from changing your thoughts and get into positive action.
- If your negative thoughts are making you feel pressured because you are judging yourself or others, create a strategy to be of service to others instead of self-centered thinking. Make a gratitude list.
- Imagine what you would say to a friend if she were in your shoes. Think of another way to look at the situation, and then once again remember what it costs you if you DO NOT adjust back into the positive mindset you worked so hard to achieve.
- Remember that all feelings are TEMPORARY. Allow yourself to have a pity party and allow the feelings to flow THROUGH you instead of trying to push them aside. Set a time limit for the “Party” and then choose to return to the positive thoughts you created in STEP 1 on the C.A.L.M. Process.
- Do a meditative centering activity, connect with a supportive friend (rather than a friend who is a “Debbie Downer), read a self-help book or listen to your favorite uplifting MP3, get involved in a spiritual community, or volunteer for an organization that touches your heart.
Want to know more about how you can ADJUST your mindset this Valentine’s Day Season? Make sure you opt-in to receive the C.A.L.M coaching video series over the next few days in which I will give you more tips, introduce new techniques and give you daily homework to ensure that this Valentine’s Day Season is one filled with calm, peace, confidence, hope and joy – the things that the men you want are looking for in a long-term partner!
Take this opportunity to get 4 FREE coaching videos!
Just enter your information below to gain instant access to the entire series!
This FREE video series will help you:
- Change your mindset (release the baggage)
- Adjust always (be dynamic, get peace of mind)
- Love yourself (exude authentic self-confidence)
- Master your ability to move through & beyond “The Gap”
** Just enter your name and email above and you get access to all 4 videos immediately!
05
02 2011
How to Tell if He is Ready for a Relationship
NEWS FLASH: We men love you women. We do. Honestly. Even though we may not seem like it at times, we are completely floored by every single one of you. We will do whatever is necessary to get your attention, get a date, and spend a cozy evening snuggling up next to you.
Now, what our intentions are is another story entirely. We might truly want to take you out over and over again and hopefully move into a courting process and wed you one day.
OR, we might just love the sight of your frame and will shower you with adoration and accolades all night just so we can get you in bed. The funny thing is that we might use the SAME TACTICS for both very different goals.
Tags: Christian Anderson, christian anderson dating, dating with dignity, is he looking for a relationship, is he ready for a relationship, los angeles, love, manimals, Marni Battista, men, Mr. Elusive, quality casual, sex, single, the cry baby, the hunter, what kind of man am i dating, where is this going
