Dating With Dignity

Question: Is appropriate for a woman to pursue a man online? How long should I communicate online through email before meeting in person?

Well folks, here’s the dealio:

1. Both men and women can initiate contact online! If you are interested in someone’s profile online, feel free to write them to say hi. Send a short, one paragraph email mentioning something specific you have read about them in their profile. Nobody likes to receive a generic cut/paste email. Take a few minutes to really read their profile. Did they mention a book or class they have taken? Take an extra second to do a google search on that topic, become quickly familiar with the thing they have referenced, and then mention it in your email.

Bottom line? Show that you are doing more than shopping for pictures. Let the person know you are interested in him or her, their interests, and tell him/her why you think you could be a good match. One paragraph is fine! A great email close? Try this: ”I would love to meet you soon, John, to hear more about (insert topic, book title, vacation they mentioned etc). Let me know when you are free!”

If you do not hear back from “John,” do not lament. Instead, know that in some way the Universe was protecting you from wasting time with someone who is “not a match.” Don’t write back. Don’t wink. Let it go, moving on to create space for someone new. If you receive an email and are not interested, take time to write a brief email that looks something like this: “Hi Brad. Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me. While I am flattered by your inquiry, I believe we are not a good match. Best of luck in your search.”

2. Move past email communication quickly. Take a quick pit stop at texting if you must, pause to talk on the phone once or twice, but make sure you are headed towards the face-to-face meeting within one week – 10 days. Don’t invest time and energy in someone you don’t know. Don’t share intimate details about yourself, your life, your hopes or your dreams online. Make sure emails don’t become journal entries. Be positive. Upbeat. Don’t become friends on Facebook.

If a man continues to email you without moving to the next step, let him know you would like to meet, however do NOT ask him on the date. Simply write something like this: ”I’ve enjoyed communicating via email, but would love to be able to chat in person soon. Looking forward to speaking with you.” By using the word, “speaking,” you are letting him know that you are very close to being done with email communication. Then, let it go. If he does not write you to invite you to meet, or request your phone number, move on. Do not write back.

Women need to be patient. Create space for a man to invite you out, or take the online interaction to the next level. Men, please don’t linger in email hell. Instead, cut to the chase, make a plan to talk on the phone. Ask her out on a date via phone. (remember, you aren’t expected to chat with her for hours) And don’t forget, make sure your first date with someone you have met online involves meeting for something quick, such as coffee or a drink. Not a match? Hang in. Be polite. Don’t make promises to “call you soon,” if you won’t. Remember the Dating With Dignity Mantra, “It’s not a match!”

Now that you know how to pursue a man online, do you want to know how to tweak your profile so more of the men you WANT start pursuing YOU online? Check out these 5 Can’t Miss Strategies for Online Dating Success!

When a woman makes herself extremely available and ALWAYS makes the first move, it leaves a man no room to pursue her.

The truth is, Mr. Boyfriend Material is looking for a woman who is confident and communicates what it is that she wants. What you’re figuratively saying when you always reach out to a man is, “I don’t NEED you to do anything at all,” or “I’m here available to you, if you ever don’t have anything else to do.”

It may, in fact, be that he likes being around you, enjoys your conversation, and even feels chemistry. In fact, when we interview men who sit on the Dating with Dignity Man Panel, each one will whole-heartedly agree that it feels good to be pursued.

However, here’s the important truth they also share when interviewed: If you are constantly reaching out to a man and initiating contact, communication, or flirtation, you leave him no room to pursue you, go through the process of asking you out, and get to know you better at HIS pace.

The result? You will NOT be perceived as someone who is Girlfriend Material to him.

I get it. Maybe you’re feeling lonely. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone to hang out with. But is that really what you want? Do you want someone who makes zero effort? Do you really want the man who doesn’t try to impress you at all? Do you want to be with someone who waits for you to contact him? Most women don’t. In fact, even if you had a female friend who contributed to your relationship in that way, you most likely would question the friendship.

There are two people in a relationship. If one is consistently making all the effort, something is wrong.

Here are some do’s and dont’ s when it comes to making yourself appropriately available to a relationship-ready man:

DO: agree to go out with him if he has asked you out in advance and you’re interested
DON’T: ask him to dinner

DO: recognize when a man’s actions match his words
DON’T: settle for someone who consistently reschedules or cancels your dates, even when he has a great excuse

DO: suggest an alternate time or day if you’re busy on the day for which he has asked you out
DON’T: make up an excuse about why you’re busy in an effort to play “hard to get”

DO: know what you want
DON’T: be afraid to communicate what you want to someone you are dating

DO: know there are relationship-ready men who will ask you out one a real live date (and be excited to do it!)
DON’T: go out with a guy who texts you at 7 pm asking you to hang out; this is NOT a date

DO: be confident in your abilities to be happy and remember that you deserve love
DON’T: accept crumbs—small pieces of attention from a man are not enough

If you give them that space, men could be lining up to ask you out.

Trust me, they’re out there. They’re just waiting for you to allow them to make their move.

“ When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.”

By Carole Lieberman, M.D.

Yes, it’s very tempting to settle for anyone in your bed during the holidays, just so you don’t end the year alone. But, just like a lump of coal can disguise itself as an intriguing gift when it’s hiding inside your stocking, a bad boy or bad girl can disguise themselves as an intriguing new love when they are hiding behind a façade. Indeed, these manipulative lovers know that holiday time is a great time to go on the prowl because we are especially vulnerable. We all want a hot kiss from someone who’s madly in love with us as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve. So, unconsciously we hear our inner clock ticking as soon as the Halloween candy is gone, telling us it’s time to find that special someone.

As you know, it’s hardest to find love when you are desperately looking for it, so you might become easy prey for bad boys who are prowling for sex and other favors, and bad girls who are looking to trap ‘sitting ducks’. Here are some tips on how to recognize these heartbreakers.

In my book, Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them and When to Leave Them, I define 12 types of bad boys, such as the Fixer-Upper Lover, Compulsive Flirt, Commitment-Phobe, Self-Absorbed Seducer, Wounded Poet and Prince of Darkness. A bad boy is “both a lost little boy and a man with a dark side…. Because he’s aloof and elusive, you get caught up in the challenge and excitement of the chase – though he’s not always someone you’d really want even if you did capture him…. He’s a frog you hope to turn into a fairy-tale prince with the magic of your kiss.”

Similarly, in Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets, I define 12 types of bad girls – the ‘dozen dangerous damsels’. These include the Gold-Digger, Sex Siren, Husband Hunter and Trapper, Husband Stealer, Ball-Buster and Ultimate Damsel in Distress. “Just as little girls are forewarned that they’ll need to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince, society forewarns little boys that they’ll need to slay a lot of dragons before they’ll win the heart of their true princess.”

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By Ali Binazir, MD

Hooray for the holidays – a time for presents, parties, and love for all! Everyone’s in a good mood and having a ball! Right?

Well, sort of. In the midst of the celebrations, there is a dark side as well: the folks who felt lonely and isolated before the holidays may feel even more excluded and be pushed to despair. Rates of suicide and depression are sky-high during the holiday season.

So if you’re a single person – and perhaps perennially so – seeing all these lovey-dovey couples in their warm, impeccably-decorated households with their lovey-dovey couple friends may not do much to boost your mood.

But there is yet hope – opportunity in the midst of crisis! In my job as Captain Obvious, I’m happy to report that you are not alone in your singlehood. Before the holidays, there are about 50 million single women in the US and about the same number of single men. With the right mindset and a little bit of initiative, the holidays may be the best time for you to create some meaningful connections, anywhere from a pleasantly torrid make-out session to a life partner. Here are some ideas:

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There is nothing more frustrating to the single woman than the moment she suspects the man she has tagged as “Mr. Possible Long-term Relationship,” begins to show signs of pulling away. Before we launch into signs he actually is “pulling away,” (there are signs you want to recognize) it’s critical to understand that, in truth, women may often only imagine the vanishing act is about to ensue when, in fact, it’s merely fear from past relationships that ended abruptly sparking your vivid imagination.

That said then, if the man you are dating has been consistently, over a four – eight week period for example, behaving as if he is interested in getting to know you better and the relationship is progressing, it could be a sign that it is YOU who is interpreting a variety of harmless behaviors as signs he is ready to bolt.

Why does this happen?

Often, the woman who says she is “ready to be in a relationship,” begins to imagine “pull away” syndrome (PAS) simply because she is truly terrified to begin to trust, become intimate (emotional as well as physically intimate) and may sabotage the process by leaking her fears. Here are two excellent examples of how this fear may surface:

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“Why am I still single?”

This question plagues just about every woman who comes to Dating With Dignity for coaching. Invariably, before coming to me for help, she has asked this same question of her girlfriends, her mother, her best male friend, and even her therapist. More often than not, when a woman comes to me for coaching, she has enjoyed success in so many other areas of her life, but has been unsuccessful at finding and/or keeping a loving relationship; and she is, to put it simply, mystified.

“It doesn’t make sense,” she declares. “Why?” she asks again. “Why am I STILL single?”

If you are asking yourself—and your friends, family, and mental health professionals—this question, I can help. The first step is examining the often contradictory and self-defeating beliefs that lie deep in your heart—beliefs you may not have admitted to yourself, let alone anyone else. These beliefs are likely the biggest obstacles standing between you and the relationship you desire. Once you’ve uncovered these beliefs, you’ll be ready to shed the “It doesn’t make sense” mantra and get on with making the changes necessary to find
the relationship of your dreams.

So, Why Are You Still Single?

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