Dating With Dignity

A night in the field with clients is one of the best ways to really assess how her energy is being broadcast.  Often, in her conscious she believes she is doing “everything” she can to meet Mr. Right.  For example, she “puts herself out there,”  is an active internet dater perhaps, or considers herself open minded and non judgemental.

In using the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment, I am able to discover that this conscious self-perception often does not match the true beliefs that  lie in her subconscious.  This knowledge, coupled with watching someone in action, can be an amazing way to help someone tweak and polish their vibe so that they can begin to attract not who they GET, but the men they WANT.

As Julie’s coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

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Christian S. Anderson, Dating Den Host

Today, Dating Den cohost Christian Anderson answers one special dignity dater’s burning question.

I hate being the ‘back burner’ girl. Often, during the earliest getting-to-know you stage of online dating, a guy may email or call me once a week or so. The conversation is interesting enough to warrant a follow up…in another week. When this happens, I get the feeling that I’m not the guy’s first choice; he’s spending more of his time and energy on hotter prospects. My practical side says I should chill. After all, this is how the game is played. But, when I feel like I’m a man’s distant runner-up rather that his first choice, I get frustrated and wonder if I should bother continuing to communicate with him.
–M.

Yes! I think you should definitely continue communicating with him. There is a huge field out there being played by everyone, especially in a major metropolitan city. You might feel like the second option, but the reality is that you might be a part of many options. It’s the world of dating. Each one of us has the beautiful freedom to move up and down the buffet of potential partners and see what works and what does not. From each person we date, we learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and what clicks for us in a partnership. This guy may be dating two or three girls at the same time, which would lead to one to two dates a week, depending on his schedule, and he will continue to do that until he is ready to focus on one person, or if he begins to really click with one of the girls and feels no interest in going on other dates.

So, I encourage you to continue hanging out with him. The weekly dates or conversations allow the relationship to grow at a slow, healthy pace. In the meantime, date other men, and get more information about yourself, dating, relationships, and men in general. I firmly believe that the more you look at these dates as “data dates,” and not as searches for “The One,” you will find “The One” or a lifelong partner faster. You will be more open, available and relaxed, and you will have months of dignified dating to put you in the right place for him. I think dating is there for us to not only play the field and see what’s out there, but a wonderful journey for us to be prepared for “The One.” Ok, I am going to stop using that phrase, since I don’t really believe there is just “One.”

Keep chatting with him, keep chatting with others, and keep growing. If it is meant to be something bigger with him, then it will. You might just learn something more about yourself by dating him, and I do mean dating (which means a nice slow pace physically and emotionally).

We all have demons to face, self awareness to gain, and selflessness to practice as we move along the adventurous path of dating. Take it all in; be open, honest, patient, and always, always, have fun!

I am so excited to launch into answering questions we have been receiving via email and Facebook so that you can understand how to Break Free from your Romantic Rut and find partnership, love of self and a partner, as well as peace and confidence!

For those of you who are new to Dating With Dignity, let me give you a brief orientation on our philosophy regarding how to be in a successful relationship.

One of the first steps I believe you must take to being truly “ready” to be in a healthy, interdependent relationship (I’m talking about emotionally ready, not just ready in your intellect,  because your biological clock is ticking, your parents are “worried” about you, or your kids are finally more independent) is to take a deep look at what your typical dating and relationship patterns may be. It’s not that we want to dig into the past, therapy style, but more importantly for this work, simply be brave enough to recognize the following:

1.  What are my typical dating patterns (who do I usually attract, how do I “feel” in relationship, how do my relationships end?)

2.  What are the beliefs I have about relationship, my self, love, commitment, and men.  Do these beliefs limit me?  Do I have assumptions that those things that have happened in my past (e.g., I was left, cheated on, hurt, burned, objectified etc) will happen in the future?

3. Am I willing to look at how these beliefs have held me hostage, and am I ready to do the work necessary to move through them so that I can ultimately attract a partner who loves me not only in word, but via his actions OVER TIME?

Let’s use one of the brave questions I received recently as an example:

“I’m 59 and have been dating a guy for 18 months.  He has been married three times and he’s scared to death.  It’s like we were made for each other. H e does exhibit signs of what I know is true…that he is the child of an alcoholic parent…so he enjoys his alone time.  (I  mean he goes into a cave like setting when he needs to be alone.)  What can I do to help him?  Should I join Alanon just to learn?  We’re in love and we have no doubts about that, but when he does this I FEEL all alone.”  – C

Here we go…

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I loved my “Ask the Expert” Call last night with Dating Coach, Evan Mark Katz!  The call was jam packed with information on why men vanish, and as a result we received hundreds of questions pertaining to this important question.  Before I dig into answering a big one, click here to listen to the recording of this one hour call.

Okay, now that you have clicked and downloaded, grab a coffee, Diet Coke or Crystal Light (my personal favorite this week) and let’s examine a huge question I often receive regarding the good stuff; particularly “I met an amazing guy” Syndrome!  In preparation for the call last night we received a number of questions asking how to prevent yourself from geting “too excited” when you feel an amazing connection with someone after the first or second date.  You’ve experienced this before, right?  The feelings you have when you know he is head and shoulders better than anyone you have ever met before, and you hear yourself telling your girlfriends that there is NObody who has given you butterflies like this in years. The belief (already!) that this man has everything you have EVER wanted in a partner.

Been there?

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I am back at Dating With Dignity after a nearly four week hiatus traveling in Europe.  I was traveling with my three daughters ages, 14.5, 12, and 8, plus my partner of 18 months, The Brit.  We have all travelled together before, including three weeks in Hawaii, what seems like a zillion long weekends in Scottsdale, Arizona and Napa, California, as well as a two week trek through the Northwest and Canada last summer.

I had nothing but HUGE expectations for this trip, and never for a moment intended it would be anything less than perfect.  And that, my dear friends, was my BIGGEST mistake.

Perfect?  What the hell is perfect, anyway?

After all,  who is “perfect?”  What trip is ever  ”perfect?”  What accommodations are “perfect?”  What weather is “perfect?”  Nothing, I might have realized before leaving, would be perfect.

Yet, despite my advanced training and professional accolades, when the “shit hits the fan,” and I am under stress, I  consistently struggle with wanting to categorize everything into TWO categories — For example, a person is “In” or “Out.”  A situation is “Good or Bad.”  In fact, because of this tendency to think in terms of only “black” or “white,” and demanding nothing less than “perfect” I spent much time during my hiatus reminding myself to live, “in the question mark.”

What is the Question Mark?

I like to use imagery to help clients (and myself) understand what life is like when lived “in the question mark.”  Imagine then, if you will, the two extreme options.  For example, the man I am dating is “in”  – meaning he is “the one,” or he is “out,” meaning I must break up with him immediately.  If I choose to live in the “question mark,” however, I am standing smack dab in the middle of both these extreme options.

What, though, does it feel like to BE, to LIVE  life in the question mark?  Here’s how to experience those feelings so that you can begin to go there effortlessly when you feel yourself heading down the path of “either/or”  black and white thinking

1.  Think of  a situation or person you might typically categorize into either “bad” or “good.”

2.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself standing at a crossroads with two distinct road signs pointing in opposite directions.  One sign reads “in,” or whatever extremely positive category you choose, while the other sign reads “out,” or the opposite of the other sign.

3.  Walk towards the positive alternative — this is the road that will lead you to the “good” feelings, and then experience these positive feelings completely.  Feel into experiences, thoughts or actions that create these “good” feelings. Pause here for 30 seconds, feeling these positive feelings completely without judgement.

4.  Now, walk towards the negative alternative — the road that will lead you to the “bad” feelings.  Then, feel into the experiences, thoughts or actions that can create these “bad” feelings.  Again, pause for 30 seconds to feel into the feelings completely without judgement.

5.  Walk back to the crossroads.  How does it feel standing there, in neutral territory?  I know that for me when I stand in this place it can feel completely foreign.  I feel “out of control,” and often it’s because in the “question mark” I don’t know how I am “supposed” to feel.  It can be SO strange because in this place — in the question mark — there is no definitive answer.  It is purely the experience of simply BEING.

During my trip to Europe I put myself in the question mark often — especially when my kids were arguing or I was frustrated with The Brit.  Reflecting now, I can’t believe how often I found myself fantasizing the options or outcomes that were  the result of  choosing to see an experience as either black or white.  For example, I either want to marry The Brit tomorrow, or break up with him tonight.  I am NEVER taking my kids on a trip again, or I am planning next summer’s trip across American in an RV and hoping I can have them for 3 weeks instead of 2 1/2.  Ultimately, I was able to get to the question mark without much grief or frustration, and begin to simply experience EVERYTHING without judgement. What a joy it was to live in this beautiful yet slightly uncomfortable place!

Life in the question mark is neither black or white.  It is GREY.

Life in the question mark requires simply being. Life in the question mark means experiencing life without judgement.  Life in the question mark requires that I shift my focus from “the destination” to the journey itself.

And so it is the journey …the process… the learning…and being able to experience moments of sheer joy, frustration, or even anger… that becomes just as important as “the date,” you might go on next weekend, as seeing the Eiffel Tower, walking by the Thames, or viewing Michaelangelo’s  ”The David” in all it’s magnificence.

Let go of “perfect,” check out GREY today and see what life is like when it’s YOUR Fall color.  I can’t wait to hear how it goes…

P.S. If you have a tendency towards “black or white” thinking and are curious what other limiting thoughts, beliefs and actions might be stifling your love life, make sure to take the “D-Factor” Date-ability Assessment ASAP and work with me directly to create YOUR plan for change now!

By: Bobbi Palmer, The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women Over 40

Has the man you’re hot for or dating disappeared…but only sort of? There’s a good chance you’re being Pinged.

Whether you’re 20 or 60, you probably have had a pinger in your life. Maybe he’s still part of your life. Here’s how this goes:
You meet him and spend a few terrific nights or weeks with him. He calls when he says he’s going to, he takes you out, and he tells you how great you are. He seems like an overall fantastic guy and you’d gladly jump into bed with him. And you think: he could be the One.

Then…he fades. Your dates are few and far between; if at all. But unlike the others, he doesn’t quite disappear. Every so often you get a text or email that goes something like: Hey babe. I’m thinking of you. Maybe he calls occasionally and tells you how much he’d like to see you, but just can’t right now.
And then you get the super ping: Hey babe, what are you doing tonight?

You figure he’s busy, but still interested. After all, he’s going out of his way to stay in touch. He’s not like those other guys who simply vanish. He’s making an effort. He gets points for that.
On and on it goes; for a few weeks or a few years. He keeps in touch and appears to be making a huge effort to fit you into his life; but somehow he just can’t seem to do it on any regular basis.

You remember those great times with him, and you think of the potential…so you hang with it. You look forward to his texts and calls. You hope each week is the week he frees up to take you out Saturday night. You jump to meet him at the last moment when he tells you he wants to see you.

You, girlfriend, are being pinged.

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by Sharon M. Rivkin, MA, MFT, Conflict Resolution and Affairs Expert

You’re in a new relationship, and you’re starting to see some red flags. Does that mean you should leave? How do you know if the red flags mean future disaster, or are just a warning?

You can begin to get clear about staying or leaving by looking at your negotiables and non-negotiables. These are the patterns of behavior that you can deal with (negotiable) or you can’t (non-negotiable). A negotiable doesn’t go against your integrity, but a non-negotiable does. For example, if you value honesty in your relationships, and your partner is continually lying to you, that is a non-negotiable. How could you really have a healthy relationship with someone whose very behavior goes against the essence of who you are? If you compromise on this behavior by deciding that sometimes lying is okay, you are cutting into the deepest part of your psyche. Non-negotiables are those issues that you will not compromise on because it goes deeply against your values.

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