I seem to always have a few clients who can’t seem to leave a relationship when the man with whom they are in a “Rut” is a “Cry Baby.” Often referred to as the “sensitive type,” the Cry Baby is so attentive, sweet and connected when he is with you, yet when he is out of sight it feels most definitely that you are “out of mind.”
Let’s put on our imaginary special 3-D MANimal glasses for a few minutes now, and SEE exactly what the Cry Baby is thinking? What does he truly believe? What are his fears? His hangups? And how his actions are merely reflections of his deep, unconscious thoughts?
The Typical Cry Baby
1. The Cry Baby lives in a cycle in which he consistently cares about others and demonstrates his concern, but ultimately acts mostly from self-survival. He often exhibits the wounded-helper persona, which is irresistible to women who vibrate with high levels of caregiving, energy. If you are a caretaker, you will most likely magnetize Cry Babies. What’s more, a Cry Baby can be a perfect mis-match for you if you have bouts of self-doubt as his self worth is often based on his ability to help or fix others. Often, the Cry Baby puts up a facade of wanting to help women overcome their subjective deficiencies.
The Cry Baby is a man who may blame himself for what is not right in his life and often battles feelings of guilt. He may truly love you, but is unable to cope, manage or create win-win relationships. Instead of communicating his fears or changing his behaviors, he will often blame you, and then feel guilty that he can’t give you what you need. He often will avoid confrontation, take everything personally, and often will feel as if he is being persecuted for his and other’s mistakes. He will typically keep his feelings and opinions to himself, except for when he is blaming you. In addition, the Cry Baby can quickly fall into co-dependent relationships yet always feels like he is “alone,” and that nobody understands his plight. The Cry Baby will often sabotage relationships, feeling he is truly not deserving or capable of having one.
2. Core thoughts of the Cry Baby can include…
“Life is futile. Sigh….”
“Why bother, it will only lead to failure.”
“Everyone is after me. It’s my fault. I am pitiful”
“I’m not capable; failure follows me everywhere I go.”
“I’m a bad person. I have done a lot of bad things”
“I should have known and done better.”
“I ‘d rather just block that memory out; That was very embarrassing for me.”
3. In addition to his hopelessness and guilt, the Cry Baby is validated by trying to “fix” you. As a result, he will attract women who thrive on self-doubt (internal conflict). When he is unable to fix or change you, he may be upset and become frustrated. Often, a Cry Baby will seek to meet your needs first, before he meets his own. As a result, he may return to feelings of guilt and pull-away in a desperate attempt to try to gain control over his feelings, his life or his independence.
How to Repel the Cry Baby
1. Ensure that your primary source of validation does NOT come from fixing, helping or “changing” another person. Learn how to self-soothe, and adopt an attitude of “detached involvement,” in which you show empathy and compassion for him, yet do not give up your needs in order to meet his.
2. When he issues “victim-like” statements, do not acknowledge these as the truth. Instead, learn to acknowledge and validate his feelings, yet give him space to self-soothe.
3. Don’t manipulate him by playing “victim” to get attention. As a care-taker, he may draw towards you when you exhibit victim thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
4. Don’t accept the view that you need to be “fixed,” or that you are “broken” in any way. See yourself as healthy, whole, confident, and love-able and the Cry Baby will run the other way! Meeting your needs will be impossible for him because he has nothing to fix, and thus will most likely not be attracted to you!