Have you ever secretly thought that you may be the one that’s keeping you single…
Do you have a sneaking suspicion that you might be shooting yourself in the foot with men on purpose… and keeping yourself from an epic, loving, committed relationship with a great guy?
Even when a guy who looked ‘great on paper’ came along, and the stars seemed to be lining up… it didn’t work out. And in the deep dark of night you sit in bed replaying… absolutely everything. And you wonder, “Am I doing it to myself?”
I bet you have. Like all the women in our community, you’re smart. You’re self-aware. And you’ve manifested pretty much everything else you’ve ever wanted. But not this.
And of course, you’re right. You are keeping yourself single. The more powerful question is, why? The answer is, and don’t hate me for writing this, because you like it that way.
Why You Want to Be Alone
You’re probably thinking, “Hold on, Marni! I want to find love with my ideal partner more than anything.” And I know that’s true. But there is a part of you that gets something out of you being alone. There’s an unconscious gain for you staying stuck. There’s something you get out of being single. And I call that…
“Your Cozy, Comfy, Condo.”
It’s the part of your life that feels really familiar and safe. And you can sit there comfortably, numb out with wine, scroll on social media… and just be safe. There is some part of you that gets something out of it.
There is a risk you’re not taking and there’s a safety valve in place – that safety feels good to you. It feels like you’re in control.
But it’s an illusion. The problem is that it’s so damn comfy. You could stay there for years and not even notice. And your dream of finding the one will be just that – a dream. Never a reality. And the rest of your life will become a mirror of that place. In fact it might already be that… comfortable but unremarkable. And that may be why you’re here – because in your heart you want a remarkable life.
Do you know what your Comfy, Cozy, Condo is?
Is it an excuse like, “There are no good men where I live” or “Guys online are only looking for sex.”?
Is it friends that you sit and complain with, about dating, about getting older, about all the chaos in the world?
Is it the couch, a glass of wine and having control of the remote?
For me it was sitting in bed, in my sweatpants, eating cereal after yoga. And it felt soooo good. And safe. But it was keeping me from what I wanted.
Can you imagine your life without it? Scary, I know. But it could be the first step toward living courageously, so you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams. Like it was for me, and so many women who learn how to date with dignity from a place of confidence and authenticity.
3 Steps to Make Your Escape And Change Your Results With Men
Step 1: Make a list of what you love most about being in your comfy cozy condo. Whether it’s the feeling of freedom or being in control… or not getting hurt again… or not having to be afraid that once he sees the ‘real you’ he will bolt. Making this list will allow you to truly see the reasons why nothing you have tried to fix your love problem has worked.
Step 2: Review that list and Identify at least one unconscious gain of staying single that you are ready to challenge in the next thirty days.
Step 3: Identify one new action you can commit to that will help to break you out of the condo, something you need to do that is uncomfortable and will help you be in action of creating change. Allow someone to help you even though you can do the task yourself. Prove to yourself that you can receive assistance and still maintain your independence. Write that list of fifty pieces of evidence why he will love you when he gets to really know you. Tape it to your mirror and review it while you brush your teeth, and if some still feel unbelievable seek the advice of a coach, therapist or trusted professional to help unpack it finally and for the last time.
For more support in uncovering the real reasons that are keeping you stuck and single, join us in our free Dating Den community here (where we’ve been working on this all month!)