Life Check Yourself Episode 394 Why We Reject What We Need and Go For What is Familiar with Chris Gillis
Marni and Chris dive into the fourth season of reality series, Love is Blind, to take a look at what goes on behind the scenes of the dating world by contemplating the contestants’ behavior. The duo discusses what it means to be attracted to a certain archetype and how that reflects on you. Dating comes with its own set of etiquette, and sometimes it’s confusing, especially when you find yourself in that grey area between casually dating and being exclusive. Questions as to how to handle it surface. What situation warrants jealousy? When should you talk to the person about? Which partner should you pick? How do you navigate your significant other flirting with someone else? The questions are endless, but Marni and Chris take the example of couples on-screen to unpack all the answers.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t fall in love with potential
- How to date from a place of confidence
- Stand up for your self-worth
- What you need vs what you want
- How to figure out your type
- Be honest with yourself
Settling for the Familiar [04:05]
Zack, one of the contestants on the series, is someone who is upfront about his baggage; he doesn’t hide his traumas. But at the same token, he doesn’t seem to want to do the internal work on himself either. And that affects his dating choices as he navigates towards the familiar, Irina, rather than the potentially healthier choice, Bliss. His behavior mimics much of our own behavior IRL.
When faced with the choice between two women, who are essentially polar opposites, Zack picks the one whose baggage resonates with his own personal trauma. He picks Irina, who is somewhat mean, because she’s the easy choice in that she has similar issues and will accept him as he is. Whereas Bliss is grounded and career-oriented. She’s the type that sets boundaries.
Picking the Irinas of the dating scene is a common trap we all fall into. It’s not about there not being any good men or women out there. There are. It’s just that much of the time, we’re not dating from a place of confidence. So, we lean into the person who is emotionally unavailable because that’s the stage we’re at. And unfortunately, that means we sometimes miss out on the good guy because we were too distracted with what we wanted and what we were familiar with, then what we may have needed.
You’re just so tuned out to that frequency; you’re deflecting the possibility that someone is treating you well, that you end up attracted to someone that is emotionally unavailable like you are. It feels familiar.
And even when we meet the good guy, it’s almost like we’re making up reasons not to choose him. It’s a form of self-sabotage. Rather than doing the work on ourselves, and standing up for our self-worth, we choose to settle for what we think we deserve.
But why is he your type? [12:55]
When talking types, it’s vital to look at the why. If you’re someone who’s usually attracted to the emotionally unavailable, then look into the reason behind that attraction. In understanding why a certain archetype attracts you, you’ll begin to unpack what it is you actually need versus what you want. A lot of the time when dating, people go for what feels good in that particular moment but that’s not always the right decision.
So, when it comes to figuring out what you want in a partner, go deep. Write down in a journal the things that attract you and why. Find out what is the type of person you need that brings out your higher self and inspires you. Because that’s the type you can build with. Basically, figure out your wish list.
Marni and Chris talk about Mika and Paul. Mika admits that Paul isn’t what she usually goes for. But while he might not be her type, he could be what she needs.
When you’re dating someone who is treating you well, and giving you what you need, not what you’re used to, you will have to be uncomfortable [for a while] and allow yourself to get to know that person.
Don’t Search for External Validation [21:27]
Marni and Chris talk about Mika and Irina’s behaviors of flirting with men who are already taken in an effort to validate themselves – regardless of how their actions may hurt or affect someone else. They get their power from being desired physically.
And this is an archetype that is found IRL on the dating scene. But it speaks to a lack of self-love, and stems from a place of insecurity.
There is a certain set of beliefs that we hold on to, no matter what our age is. And it’s one many of us might be familiar with or might have gone through at one point or another. It’s this idea that if we’re sexually attractive to those around us, then we have the power; we are enough. But in most cases, men will flirt or sleep with you. But it doesn’t mean they will be attracted to you long-term. Because that isn’t where your validation should stem from, nor is it what you should derive your value from.
