Dating Den Episode 27 – With Ken Bechtel: Why it’s Dangerous to Date Mr. “Good On Paper”
Have you ever met a guy that was just sooo right for you in every way…
Except one (as in the important one!)?
I mean he checked all your boxes…
You know he’s smart, sensitive, handsome, evolved, successful (or at least employed)…
Basically he was great on paper, but…
You found him a little… uninspiring?
If so then you are going to love this episode!
You will want to listen to it before every date to make sure you are paying attention to the right things.
The topic of today’s show is not sexy but trust me you need it. My guest, Ken Bechtel has 15 years experience as a guide and educator. He helps women understand what women need to make men fall in love with them. He also helps them to create the conditions to attract the ideal partner. He’s been providing guidance about relationships as far back as grade school. He is a minister who performs weddings, has a podcast about partnerships and is so very smart when it comes to dating.
How to Get Clear About What Your Needs Are? [5:44]
Women are in ‘maybe land’ relationships. They convince themselves that maybe this is enough and they settle. This behavior is typically an indicator their needs aren’t being met.
Ken advises women to pay attention to how you talk about your relationship. Are you excited about it? People pleasers put themselves last and believe that once their guy is happy they will be happy. But, it’s just not true.
Men Are Born Providers [10:49]
Men need to know what your needs are so he can provide like he was born to. Mr. Right isn’t really a person. It is a feeling you have when you are around a person. It is the feeling of having your needs met.
Ladies, you need to get over saying “oh, it’s ok or it’s cool.” Quit making excuses for not having your needs met! It’s ok to get what you want. If you continue dating the same type of guy maybe what you are looking for isn’t really what you need.
There is not one need in the world you are not worthy of!
An Example of When a Woman Goes to Maybe Land [17:16]
The way a man responds to your needs is a strong indicator of what kind of partner he will be. If he’s dismissive, especially at the beginning of your relationship, that is the way he will be for the duration of the relationship. Guys bring their ‘A’ game when they start dating someone. It is the best he has so pay attention! If he isn’t all you need now he won’t become what you need later.
The choices we make for partnership are rarely easy ones. Women should get to know their needs and express them. There is no such thing as a small need. Little needs turn into big deals.
How Can Women Determine What They Really Want? [24:10]
Even if you are unsure what you are looking for you understand how something makes you feel. Your feelings are unarguable. It doesn’t matter if you understand why you feel a certain way. Your internal guidance system is telling you to pay attention to how you feel.
It’s ok to have feelings. For those who live in the feminine, it is natural to be emotional but many of us have been told it’s not ok. We try to hide the fact that we have feelings. There is a big difference between someone who is being dramatic and someone who is being genuine.
Authenticity is the second biggest reason a man falls in love with a woman.
Why Setting Boundaries is Difficult for Women [27:53]
Women are hardwired to thrive on connections and this is what makes setting boundaries so tough. It’s opposite of what they think they should be feeling. But, Ken says, boundaries aren’t about defensiveness. Boundaries are about ownership. It tells someone else where your space starts.
Men love women with strong boundaries. If a woman has been clear they know exactly how to give them what you need. Help them help you by sharing what do you need to be your best self.
Boundaries need to be clearly set and set early on in a relationship.
Men are the world’s worst guessers. Help them out and set them up to win.
Make a Connection:
“Women should pay attention to how they describe their relationship to other people.”
“There is not one need in the world you are not worthy of!”
“Boundaries are less like walls and more like picket fences. They should demonstrate ownership, not defensiveness.”