Dating Den Episode 7 – With Marni Battista: Why Being a Perfectionist Can Kick Your Ass in Dating (and What To Do To Get Over It ASAP!)
Have you ever thought….
You know I’d like to meet a great guy but dating is hard.
Dating is work and I already have a job.
And then there’s…
Dating takes too much time. I’m really busy. Maybe I have to accept that love with a great guy is just not in the cards for me.
I like having my space all weekend. I don’t have to deal with sharing the remote or varying my routine.
There are so many reasons not to try, not to make an effort. But you and I both know they’re all crap.
And when you do make an effort, are you dating with a laundry list?
He must do this.
He must be that.
He must not do this and he must not do that.
Always looking for out for red flags, for men’s mistakes, for their faults… any reason to say “no thanks”?
Here is the deal…
It’s all a smoke screen. A way to keep yourself from being vulnerable, a way to keep yourself single (yep I said it)
My guest today, Julie has been on 30 dates since blocking the number of her on again, off again boyfriend of 5-years. She really believes she has a “broken picker” because she wonders if there were 100 good men in a room she would pick the one bad apple. Julie wants to find a man who ranks “family” high on his list of priorities and she reached out to me to figure out…
“What’s getting in the way of having the amazing relationship she really wants?”
Believing She Must Be Perfect [2:27]
Julie felt like she had to be perfect in her previous relationship. When he was critical she would transform herself into the person he wanted her to be. She pretended to be someone else she thought was better than who she really was.
Julie was familiar with this type of behavior because her older sister used to beat her down by saying she was a bad person and was always critical. At an early age, Julie formed an opinion of herself which led her to believe no one would want to be with her because she is a bad person.
Julie would return her ex’s calls because she thought the next time would be different. It was a pattern she was comfortable with even though it wasn’t what she wanted.
Julie’s Limiting Beliefs [8:49]
In her family life, Julie was adaptable and a chameleon. She received positive reinforcement for being the best at everything she did. She can act her way through any situation. She is so used to be inauthentic she may not know who she is anymore.
Julie fears that if someone really got to know her she wouldn’t be good enough for them.
Julie has been dating frequently. She enjoys the dates but afterward she makes up things about each guy so it doesn’t move forward. She says there is no problem getting a second date but no one ever makes the cut.
Feelings 101 [13:59]
I want Julie to feel her feelings so we use my SMOG method to uncover that she is scared that if someone finds out who she really is men won’t want to date her.
Julie is scared of rejection and she is scared of being out of control.
She is playing an unconscious game with herself by going to a familiar pain instead of taking a risk. She numbs her feelings of fear by playing the role of an actress for each guy she dates.
Julie’s big opportunity is to use this time to make an adjustment in her life by changing her patterns.
Julie should stay on the Right Road, which is the road of truth.
Julie’s 3-Month Homework Assignment [23:13]
- Notice when her limiting beliefs come up
- Notice vulnerability gaps when she is on a date
- Ask herself “What am I feeling?”
- Ask herself “What do I need?”
- Ask herself “What do I want?”
- Integrate each aspect of herself into one person.
- Set boundaries in a loving way.
She needs to step into her courage and power and explore all of her feelings, knowing she will be ok. It will soon become her default pattern if she does it over and over. And, starting with baby steps will help her create the confidence she needs to find her family man.
Julie realized being her all the time is ok and we were all born lovable, we don’t have to earn it.
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“When you are scared of someone not approving of you, it can feel like you are going to die.”
“You are 100% lovable!”
“If you practice something over and over it will become your default pattern.”