Dating Den Episode 148 – With Kelley Kosow: What to Do When You Get Triggered When He Doesn’t Call Back or It Doesn’t Work Out
Are you creating unnecessary emotional pain for yourself when dating? Do you make up reasons for why he didn’t call back when the answer is simple? Author, Motivational Speaker, and CEO of the highly acclaimed Ford Institute, Kelley Kosow joins Marni to discuss her work with the shadow process and her new book, The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and Step Into Your Magnificence.
Key takeaways from this episode:
- Working the shadow process.
- Removing shame from your life.
- How to let go of the ego and open yourself up to the universe.
- Loving all of yourself.
- How to not take things personally.
Living the Life You Want [1:30]
Kelley shares the story of meeting Debbie Ford of the Ford Institute. It came at a time when she was unsure about staying in her marriage. She attended the Ford Institute’s course on the shadow process 7 times in a row. In fact, her book, The Integrity Advantage begins on the day of her wedding. She knew she didn’t love her future husband the way she should have. Getting married was just on her checklist of life goals. 15-years and three children later she realized she couldn’t do it anymore.
Kelly felt like she was on an endless chase her entire life about “the 5 things that would make her perfect”. She could feel the shadow process working when she realized it wasn’t about trying to fix herself. It was about loving all of herself. So she put herself on a self-love diet.
She says the ego is limited and the universe has plans for us that are so much greater than anyone we could think for ourselves. We just need to get out of our thoughts.
Become the person you want to be. Treat yourself as well as you treat other people.
Stepping Out of Shame and Into Vulnerability [9:37]
Shadow work is about putting the light of awareness on that which is in the dark. The shadow is all the traits we disown. Many of us disown our light. We disown the fact that we are fabulous and magnificent. Kelley’s definition of integrity is owning all of who you are and living in alignment with your deepest truths and grandest desires.
A lot of our shame is developed when we are under the age of 10. We create a persona who attempts to portray a person who is not in alignment with who we really are. And, that is who we show to the world. Doing that creates a lifelong fear of someone finding out that our persona is not who we are. It’s the shame that creates the shadow.
The outer world is a reflection of our inner world. If we only own 20% of who we really are. We are only going to attract 20% of what we really want.
Kelley believes that our past makes us human. It doesn’t make us good or bad. It makes us human. Life is too fleeting and time is too precious to beat around the bush. Live the life you want now. Be in integrity with your true nature.
How to Date with Integrity [19:38]
Often, we get triggered if a person we are dating doesn’t want to see us again because we take it personally. The story we tell ourselves is that we are not good enough. Kelley says “the simple truth is that you went out on a date and the person didn’t want to see you again. It’s not personal.” When you separate the facts from the story you make up in your mind about why you are not good enough or why you are doomed you realize the person simply isn’t the right one for you.
Use a recent date as an experiment: What did you make it mean about you that he didn’t call you back?
Everyone who comes into our lives is there to show us a part of ourselves that needs healing. They are part of the puzzle pieces back to our state of wholeness. People don’t come into our lives to mess things up or make us eat a gallon of ice cream, they come in to rip the bandaid off of a wound that still needs to be healed.
But, why do we make up stories? Why are we resistant to our truths? Kelley says that many people feel more comfortable as a victim. They are afraid because they are just about to face something that causes them pain. They don’t want to look inward to change the outcome.
When dating, most women will try and find something wrong with their date. They are thinking about what the grand outcome will be instead of considering the next step. The answer to the question ‘how can I be engaged in the process but not be attached to the outcome?’ is to take everything one step at a time.
