Dating Den Episode 24 – With Carol Allen: Understanding the Communication Gap Between Men and Woman
I love, love, love my guest on today’s Dating Den! Carol Allen is an inspirational badass, a Vedic Astrologer and a Relationship Coach. And, she is partially responsible for my marriage to Jeremy.
Carol has contributed to my tele-summits, Daily Candy called her cooler than karma and Dr. Drew called her advice profound. She has been my longtime friend because she is the real deal and she really cares.
Communication Between Men and Women [3:55]
Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Carol says, through communication you can ruin good thing or fix a bad thing. Carol’s relationship with her husband is the perfect example of how powerful a tool communication can be to a relationship. After a 4-year breakup, Carol honed her communication skills and now she and her husband have been married for 20 years.
Good communication skills affect every area of your life.
Create a Safe Atmosphere if You Want Your Man to Talk [7:32]
The biggest complaint women have about men is they shut down and they don’t talk. A man will only share if he feels safe.
A major difference in men and women is that women talk about everything and men can keep thoughts and feelings inside for months or years. But Carol notes, women are naturally designed to people please. If women feel like their words will cause a conflict, they won’t say it.
When women close up they go into one of two modes.
Bambi mode is needy and clingy.
Banshee mode is aggressive.
Both modes are repulsive to men. These modes take men by surprise because we have been saying we are fine and then suddenly we hit him with our need or our rage.
This is why men say women are crazy and dramatic.
Carol points out there is a third mode which will foster trust and respect in a relationship and men find it attractive. Women should be respectfully assertive towards their man, so he doesn’t feel he has been talked down to. When women withhold we make the man’s feelings more important than ours.
If women don’t speak up for their needs it sends a signal to the man that it is ok to put himself and his feelings ahead of them.
Am I an Alpha Female or a Beta Female? [17:46]
An Alpha person is direct, to the point, ambitious and dominant. While a Beta is a person who is here to ‘be’. They may tend to follow and not be proactive or a go-getter. But we are all not just one or the other. We may be different with different people.
It’s important to know, we are happier with people who compliment our different ways and behaviors.
Knowing who you are dealing with helps you to communicate. Relationships get easier with time because you know your partner better.
If a guy is sensitive and chill a woman should use feelings based language to communicate with him.
Communicating Through a Conflict [23:05]
Figure out who is having a bigger issue with the conflict. If it’s the guy you may have to cater to his feelings. Ask yourself what does he really need?
It’s important to talk to the other person in a way they can hear. There are no exact rules because we are all different.
Why Do Men Run to the Hills? [28:15]
When a woman acts like her hair’s on fire. Basically, men freak out when we freak out. The more you can treat a guy like you are on the same team or let him know he’s not in trouble the better off your communication will be.
Make a Connection With Carol Allen
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