Life Check Yourself Episode 375 Money Issues That Are Red Flags In Your Relationship With Dr. Emily Owens & Chris Gillis
Marni, Chris and Dr.Emily, get into the sticky business that is money, especially when it comes to couples. They point out the issues that surface (or don’t for some) with the couples on reality TV show, Love is Blind, and ponder what we can learn from them. The situations that arise on the show mimic much of what goes on with us in our own personal lives, and we’re forced to take a hard look at our own values surrounding money. When is it the right time to start talking about it? Is a prenup a no-no? Is there a deeper meaning to be gleaned from asking for one? We all wonder about how to broach the topic once things start taking a turn for the serious, but it remains a sensitive subject where we’re required to tread carefully.
Takeaways from this episode:
- When to set a financial plan with your partner
- Disagreeing isn’t the same thing as gaslighting
- What’s the code of conduct when it comes to talking money?
- Leave Open-casting in 2022
- Instagram isn’t a good indicator of who a person is
- Financial infidelity is a thing
Does a Prenup Undermine the Commitment? [08:03]
On Love is Blind, Marni draws our attention to two couples, Nancy and Bartiste, and Brenon and Alexa. Now with the first couple, Nancy is older and more well-established. When discussing money, she speaks of sharing their assets, and Bartiste’s reaction is almost like that of the cartoon character whose eyes morph in dollar signs at the mention of money. A little worrying, but okay.
With the second couple, Alexa mentions a prenup, and Brenon is open to the idea. But whether you relate more to the first couple (Bartiste’s reaction was a bit of a red flag, though) or the second couple, when it comes to relationships, a financial plan needs to be set in place. At the very least, you need to be in alignment where your values are concerned.
It’s about looking at your non-negotiables and the core values you have surrounding money, and then discussing them with your partner. When it comes to prenups, there’s no right or wrong route to take. It depends on what you feel more comfortable with. And let’s break the taboo around prenups.
Having a prenup isn’t saying that the marriage won’t work. It’s more about talking openly in terms of how you’d like the income and the assets to be split, in a way that makes everyone comfortable. Because that’s what’ll save you from arguments around finances in the future.
Is He Cheating Financially? [13:26]
Hiding your wealth, or not being transparent in terms of your assets when in a relationship is financial infidelity. It’s a form of deceit where you’ve kept a secret in the form of a hidden account, or a credit card, let’s say. If you’re going to share your life with someone; you’re going to have to have these conversations regardless of how uncomfortable they are. And be transparent about them.
You have to be courageous about it.
Let’s face it, talking about money isn’t always pleasant but if this is the person you choose for yourself, then it’s probably a good idea to get insight on their relationship with money. How did they grow up around money? What were their beliefs in relation to that? How did their parents handle the finances? Because all of this comes back as the relationship progresses.
The you that’s afraid today is going to be different than the you in 10, 20, or 30 years.
Marni shares her own personal experience with forming a financial plan with her partner. And she elaborates that while they’d already set up a plan when they’d first started out, fast-forward to 30 years later, where they’ve built a whole life together, and it’s time to revisit that plan. Your initial plan doesn’t have to be set in stone. It changes as your relationship evolves, much like everything else.
When Gender Roles Come into Play [20:35]
Gender roles are constantly morphing with women gaining more independence financially, and a prominent presence within the working force. So, inevitably that plays a role in the dynamics. How you navigate that, however, is between you and your partner. But it needs to be discussed.
Marni points to Raven who almost seems to expect SK to pay for everything. Even though she hammers on about being an independent woman, she expects SK, who’ll be doing grad school in Berkley, to pay for both her apartment in Texas and his apartment in Berkley. She doesn’t want to move in with him, but at the same time, she seems to be saying that once they’re engaged, he’ll have to pay for everything for her. The host and guests agree that her behavior is extreme. You can’t really have your cake and eat it. Well, unless you’ve discussed it with your partner and he’s okay with it but it’s still a red flag. So…maybe don’t do that.
In any case though, it is important to acknowledge that your financial plan will evolve as your relationship does. And there’s no one-size fits all because every couple, family, and relationship is different, but you get to choose what works for you, even if it means bringing in a professional to help you sort it out.
These conversations evolve as dating progresses. So, we’re talking about communication, negotiation and compromise.