Dating Den Episode 154 – With Chris Gillis: Is There Really No Chemistry or Are You Just Addicted to Relationship Drama
In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 9 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
- The strong emotions we feel after physical intimacy
- Why self-worth should be based on more than physical assets
- The importance of trust and commitment in a relationship
- How the relationships from our past bleed into our dating life
- Why you should set the record straight about your values
Why Do We Feel Safe After Sex? [1:16]
In episode nine, it is implied that Peter had sex with both Hannah and Victoria F. During the postcoital conversation, Victoria told Peter she loved him.
Marni says that Victoria F. felt validated by having sex and she experienced a safe feeling from it. Chris agrees, saying that most of Victoria F’s self-worth is based on her physical appearance. It’s possible she was high on hormones and that is what made her act differently after sex.
Peter seems to thrive on chaos. He may be in lust with 3 women but he doesn’t know what he wants. When Victoria F. opens the door for feedback but gives away her power by asking Peter what she needs to work on. Peter avoids the conversation by saying ‘oh, nothing’.
The two things you need in a relationship are trust and commitment. And, Peter doesn’t trust Victoria F. enough to have a real conversation. Marni recommends holding off on physical intimacy while you are collecting data about a person.
The Mythology of a Good Relationship [13:25]
We all grow up in different environments and we have mythologies of what a relationship should be. Based on Chris’s life observing the relationships in his life, he thought relationships should be chaotic with abandonment, pushing and pulling with a lot of uncertainty. He grew accustomed to relationships having a lack of commitment.
Peter needs constant validation and to make sure the girls are into him. He seems to want the girls to be dependent on him. His version of love is bathed in chaos.
Marni points out that mature love doesn’t need drama. Life provides enough chaos. Think about the relationship environment you grew up in, do your current relationships create the same environment?
Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean [21:42]
Peter has said that sex in a relationship is very important to him. Yet, Madison who has decided to abstain from sex until after marriage has failed to mention it to him on several dates.
If you have something big about yourself that you are holding back, like not wanting to have kids or abstaining from sex, you need to be upfront and direct about telling the other person. Maybe not on the first date, but early enough in the relationship so it doesn’t seem like a bombshell.
When Madison finally shares her truth, Peter asks her to change her values for him.
Marni says Peter reaches out for what he can’t have. He thrives on controlling the relationship. Chris wants to analyze Peter’s upbringing because he knows it was screwed up.
Make a Connection:
“Just because someone looks like the nicest, sweetest guy it doesn’t mean they aren’t screwed up.”
“Think about the relationship environment you grew up in, do your current relationships create the same environment?”
“The two things you need in a relationship are trust and commitment.”