Dating Den Episode 21 – With Mel: I’m in Love With a Married Man. What Should I Do?
OMG! How could you? He’s married.
In this coaching session with Mel, Marni uncovers the truth behind the pain and it has nothing to do with the guy!
Unrequited love could be someone you flirted with from the office, a guy who just disappeared, your male best friend. A married man is the epitome of unrequited love because he is emotionally, physically and legally unavailable.
So, even if the man on your mind is not married consider how this may apply to you.
What Mel Wants From This Coaching Session [4:17]
Mel is flip flopping between wanting to break it off and staying in the relationship long-term. Her heart wants one thing and her head another. If she does break it off with her married guy she wants to feel at peace with her decision.
Mel has felt more intimacy in the last 4 or 5 months than ever before. She knows her guy loves her because of his actions. He takes time off work when possible to spend time with her. He makes her feel appreciated she feels completely in her feminine when she is with him.
Unconscious Gain of Pain [7:56]
Marne makes Mel aware that she feels safe in her relationship with a married man because it’s impossible for him to be fully with her. Mel agrees she enjoys having her freedom and independence. But, Mel acknowledges the relationship has never been tested in real life circumstances. She feels she is getting a lot of love without any of the stickiness. But, there is a lot of pain. No one in his life can know about her and that breeds insecurity and pain.
The Romantic Rut [17:06]
Does Mel judge herself? Yes, but it is a detached type of judgment. Her brain rationalizes the pain and tries to cope with it by numbing the pain with dopamine. This is why the cycle continues.
Mel has been doing this for two years. Each time she judges herself she reverts back to “but the love is so strong”.
He’s a Liar [20:46]
When Mel rehashes what happened that made the intimacy increase in the relationship she realizes her married man was lying to her and to himself. The confrontation is the only reason he came clean.
The doubt makes Mel question his integrity.
Mel Feels She Isn’t Enough [26:21]
When Mel admits she is afraid of disappointing men and that she can’t seem to let her guard down. Marne uncovers Mel might not feel worthy or capable of accepting love.
Mel is putting up a love shield as a coping mechanism to avoid vulnerability. The reason Mel is in this relationship is because she doesn’t trust herself to be 100% available.
Mel’s long-term homework is to believe in herself and know she is enough.
Mel’s Goals and Backup Plans
- Her ideal goal is to figure out her boundary.
- Become powerful in her femininity and in alignment with her authenticity.
- Her safety net is to be brave enough to ask for support when she needs it as she is uncovering her self-worth.
Mel now feels empowered to take responsibility for her vision. She understands it is ok for her to feel the way she feels.
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“With him, I get permission to be completely in my feminine. ”
“If you had the proper coaching, support and emotional safety you could accept a lot more love.”
“The feeling of “I’m not enough” comes in many different shapes and sizes.”