Life Check Yourself Episode 384 If He Says He Has Changed, Should You Trust Him? with Chris Gillis
Marni and Chris examine the dynamics in the relationships that make up the reality series, Love Island, to get a grasp on the faux-pas when it comes to dating. Dissecting the little tricks that we all do when out in the dating world, the duo ponders questions of love, betrayal, conflict and loyalty. Much of the way in which the contestants behave on the series is mimicked in our own behavior IRL. The insecurities that rear their heads just as soon as we’ve started to get comfortable with someone or the constant worry of whether or not we should trust him, are some of the questions that keep us all up at night when falling in love. How the contestants on Love Island interact with each other is a treasure trove of lessons as to the dos and don’ts in our own dating lives.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Be aloof, but not too aloof
- How to hit that spot between sexy and sweet
- Don’t compare him to your ex
- How does he handle an issue?
- How to deal with conflict
- Vulnerability is never easy
Does Making Him Jealous Actually Work? [01:50]
We’ve all been there at one point or other; hurt and ready for retaliation. The go-to move for a lot of women is to make him jealous. But does that tactic actually work? Perhaps sometimes but for all the wrong reasons. It is a strategy of manipulation, jealousy and insecurity.
When discussing the jealousy tactic, Marni brings up Cassie, whom Lana uses to make Ron jealous. But to what end? The thing is with that particular tactic, other than the obvious unethicality of using someone else as a means to an end, is that the issues that made you break-up in the first place aren’t resolved. Making him jealous won’t make him treat you better the second time around.
However, answering the questions that made you resort to that strategy in the first place might: Why aren’t you together? Why didn’t he treat you right from the beginning? Do you really want to be with someone who only appreciates you when you’re with someone else?
Don’t Bring Your Girls Into It [11:00]
Dragging your girlfriends or a friend into a conflict that you have with your partner is never a good idea. Not only will it seem like you’re ganging up on him but it’s also quite hurtful.
Referring to the example of Tanya and Shaq, where Tanya calls in her friend as she confronts him, Chris clarifies that that type of behavior, albeit prone to happen, is not acceptable. What happens in this scenario is that Shaq then goes on to tell Tanya never to put him in this type of situation again. Tanya in turn takes this as a sign of Shaq restricting the way she chooses to communicate. But was Shaq actually in the wrong?
There really is never a reason to criticize or correct your mate in front of a third party. It’s more effective to pull him aside.
Rather than put him on blast, it makes more sense to confront him privately and not corner him. It’s just in bad taste and won’t resolve the issue. While Shaq in this situation did a good job of setting the tone, it could’ve been articulated better. He wasn’t precise about the part that actually hurt him, which was Tanya calling him out in front of other people. And it’s a common mistake, we all get into situations where we’re unable to express ourselves in the exact manner we’d like to.
Russian Roulette But Make it Vulnerability [16:45]
Being vulnerable is scary; it’s hard; and it’s stressful. You’re required to put your insecurities out there and hope that the person in front of you is able to hold them, or at the very least, not run for the hills. And actually, crossing that line where we end up putting ourselves out there, while liberating, can sometimes make us act out of character.
Marni mentions Will and Jessie’s relationship in that it was going smoothly, but then once they made it to Casa Amor, it seemed like Will was leaning towards exploring his options. These were two people who shared their vulnerabilities with each other. And yet…
We get into a relationship and we’re afraid of getting hurt. We’re afraid of overextending. We’re sharing our vulnerability.
We’re all imperfect human beings carrying a load of insecurities and fears. And the more we let someone in, the easier it is to panic. Questions like have they deleted their dating apps? Do I love them more than they love me? start infiltrating our psyche.
I always want people to look at the energy he’s sort of bringing and meet their energy.
Whether he’s the serious type or not, believe his actions, believe his energy. And once you’ve figured that out, check in with yourself and from there decide what you should do.
I think that if someone likes you more than you like them, you want to check in with yourself and really figure out what’s either in the way or what you need to do to get on the same page.