Dating Den Episode 199 – Coaching Layne: How to Know When to Cut Ties and Move On
In this intense coaching episode, Marni gets real about what is keeping Layne enamored with a guy she has only met four times in six years. What they uncover together is that Layne keeps this relationship in her life because she has traumatic wounding from childhood she hasn’t been able to heal.
Key takeaways from this episode:
- Recognize when a guy is just leaving breadcrumbs
- Why we keep attracting the same type of guy
- How old wounding keeps us emotionally unavailable
- Why what we think keeps us safe actually keeps us stuck
Nibbling on the Breadcrumbs [2:00]
For six years, Layne has been in a long-distance relationship with a guy who she has only seen in person four times. She is exhausted from pining for a person who gives so little of himself. She keeps herself ‘on the market’ for someone else via online dating but her heart always goes back to him.
Layne describes her crush as an artist. The last time they met was at one of his art installations and they didn’t even kiss. She says she went no contact for a while but he was still on her mind. He makes intermittent contact, but she wants more.
Marni recognizes immediately that the guy makes just enough effort to leave breadcrumbs. She lets Layne know the truth, “If he is truly interested he is going to be more than just a little flirty.”
What Does Layne Want from a Relationship? [11:57]
Layne admits she would rather have a guy whose words match his actions but she is having a hard time finding a guy she has chemistry with. She over-analyzes every conversation and contact with him. She doesn’t voice how she feels and she has never been vulnerable with him. She finds it acceptable to be the cool girl.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to have emotional safety.
Marni offers Layne some hard-core dating advice:
- Get some closure in this relationship
- She’s not meeting anyone else because she is unavailable
- She needs to open up by gifting herself self-trust, emotional safety, and vulnerability
- Speak her truth and set some boundaries
Layne needs to understand why she has been able to live off of crumbs for so long. And, look at why she continues to be challenged in love and relationships. Maybe, the universe holds more for her?
Why Am I Attracting the Same Type of Guy? [23:58]
Layne finally opens up and shares that she felt abandoned by her mother at a very young age. She was left with her grandparents. Her inner child has a big wound she has yet to heal.
Marni empathizes with her and says it sucks to not feel wanted but that is the reason her brain is playing the pattern over and over again. It is trying to protect her from hurt again. Layne needs to love her little ‘who’ through her pain.
The bottom line is while there is a connection with this one guy, Layne should realize she is capable of making a much bigger connection with a guy who is emotionally available when she heals her hurts.
