Dating Den Episode 13 – With Iris Benrubi: How to Get Your Sh#! Together and Stop Obsessing Over Him
Does it feel like you’re always waiting for a man to change… for certain pieces of his life to fall together… so he’s ‘ready to commit’?
And does waiting for him to change become the thought that’s always in the back of your mind… like an obsession?
Does that dynamic keep repeating on you for some unknown reason…
Aren’t you sick of wasting your time on an unavailable man?
You invest a whole bunch of time and effort into him, then suddenly you discover he’s “not looking for commitment” or “too busy at work” or “still getting over someone else.”
Have you dated the guy who tries to make you see reason when you are feeling emotional?
Or, do you ever feel dismissed by your partner? In this episode, we learn how to create the relationship of our dreams by knowing our attachment style. This method is so cool because it gives you the power to take care of yourself!
Today’s guest expert is Iris Benrubi. She is a Mensan with Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology. She has spent the last 16 years coaching and counseling women and men from all over the world on how to find love. She authored the #1 Amazon best-selling book, Lonely and Single to Loved and Adored. I just love her because she has a no-nonsense approach and she is humorous and witty! Her work has been featured on Slice TV, Women’s Network TV and she is the host of the Awakened Relationship Summit.
The Attachment Model [2:45]
Most people’s Attachment Style is learned from the type of relationship they had with their parents. It shows up in adult relationships. People end up mimicking what they learned from their family.
What are the Attachment Styles?
The Secure Attachment Style
- Mainly children who grew up with consistent, emotionally available parents.
- These people find a mate and work on relationships.
- 15% of people in the general population.
The Anxious Attachment Style
- Children with inconsistent parents.
- These people are constantly assessing the relationship.
- These people become cling-ons.
- They keep trying and trying to make a relationship work.
The Avoidant Attachment Style
- Children with consistently emotionally unavailable parents.
- These people often pull back.
- These people make up a large percentage of the dating pool.
The Disorganized Attachment Style
- Children who had a parent with whom they could never succeed or measure up.
- These people constantly push and pull.
Focus on how you manage anxiety in a relationship.
Is My Relationship Just An Unhealthy Attachment? [16:50]
People have a need to belong. They want to attach to someone who can see them, hear them and understand them but sometimes they attach to unhealthy people.
We are ultimately trying to be connected with our primary love person.
Look at your attachment style, if you get too needy or clingy, your partner can’t deal with you, because you are too big of a burden.
The more you understand you are valuable, lovable, and you know you want the relationship to work out, the easier it is for you to deal with the anxiety that happens in new relationships. YOUR job is to manage your anxiety.
How Do I Manage My Anxiety? [24:29]
By identifying your attachment style a person can manage their own emotions. It is also important to articulate your needs, so your partner knows how to help. The key is to be responsible for yourself. Your partner is not responsible for your distress. If they love you enough, they may shift and do something different to help you manage your anxiety.
Understanding Your Level of Attachment [25:33]
Find someone who is really important to you and see how you react when they don’t text you back. How do you feel? How do you handle your anxiety?
People don’t shift dramatically from one attachment style to another. As you evolve, unhealthy and insecure attachment diminishes and secure attachment increases.
How Do I Use This Information to Make My Dates Better? [27:46]
On the first few dates, gauge the other person’s attachment style. This will tell you how they will respond if there is ever tension in the relationship. Be transparent and simply say, “I do best with daily communication,” then you can see if they can step in and give you what you need.
The biggest cause of tension in a relationship is when your partner is not willing to step in when you are feeling uncomfortable or unhappy.
