Life Check Yourself Episode 366 – Life Check Yourself Episode 366 - How Long After a Breakup Does it Take to Be Really Ready for a New Relationship? With Chris Gillis
Marni and Chris join forces to untangle the real-life dating lessons from this Hunger Games version of Bachelor in Paradise (BIP for the cool kids). Next week is the season finale so a lot of relationships are meeting their breaking point. And, Chris makes a BIG announcement about how to upgrade your male partner!
Takeaways from this episode:
- The biggest mistake women make in relationships
- Is it too soon to start dating again?
- Finding someone new will not lessen your heartbreak
- The success rate of ultimatums
Relationship Readiness [3:16]
One of the biggest mistakes women make in dating and relationships happens twice in this episode. As Marni points out, you can’t get under someone else before you are healed from your last relationship. For example; Eliza chooses Rodney but it doesn’t feel right so she runs to the next boy, and keeps chasing different men because she doesn’t know what will make her happy. Marni’s advice for her is to take a pause to get her mind straight.
Then, Andrew reveals that he can’t get over Teddi breaking up with him in the second season. He just dates other people to try to feel better. He needs to deal with his feelings before going any farther with Ency, who apparently loves him after spending less than 24 hours with him. In a very short time, Ency’s leaking low self-esteem gave Marni the icks.
Many guys, when heartbroken, will try to find someone else. The idea that dating someone else will make you feel better or get over your heartbreak is immature.
Chris asks if it is not healthy for someone to get under someone else soon after a breakup, how will I know when it is time?
Marni says relationship readiness depends on when you are emotionally free from the past. There are no thoughts of your ex coming back, no resentment, and no dark thoughts. Your heart should be healed.
Only after getting back to normal should you test the waters to see if you are able to be with another person without comparing them to the ex.
Trust Your Intuition [17:58]
Ency chooses the ultimatum strategy to try and get Aaron to give her love. By threatening to leave him she used an age-old manipulative strategy that comes from a place of fear and control. It is an immature and volatile way to handle conflict. It’s a horrible way to try to get someone to love you.
During the show, Aaron and Genevieve have an off-camera fight. Aaron tells her that her feeling impatient and stressed is the same thing and that she shouldn’t feel that way. In a time when she needed empathy, he didn’t know how to give it. Ultimately, they don’t know how to resolve conflict. He is a mansplainer who deflects issues instead of dealing with them.
Marni shares a spoiler and some juicy gossip about Aaron!
Both Aaron and Genevieve have an anxious attachment style. Their interactions show the unhealthy ways people try to express themselves when they want to experience love. Somewhere deep down in her gut, Genevieve knows Aaron is not the right guy but she ignores her intuition over and over.
“Fight for me” and ultimatum strategies are NOT ways to create connection or resolve problems.