Dating Den Episode 75 – With Erin: I Broke Up with My Boyfriend. Did I Do the Right Thing?
What do you do when your heart says one thing… but your head (and all of your friends) say something else..?
How do you know if you should move on from a man and a relationship…when you’re getting some of your needs met, but not enough?
When can you be sure you’ve given him enough time to come around?
What if he was the one… and you sent him packing?
During this coaching session, Marni works Erin through her indecisiveness about breaking up her one-and-a-half year relationship with a really nice guy who is meeting some of her needs, just not enough of them.
Erin faces the familiar struggle of feeling confident and decisive one minute… then afraid and uncertain the next.
We all have to make decisions, acknowledge the pain of change and to move on from it in the healthiest way to learn and grow from it.
The Relationship Backstory [2:42]
The guy Erin dated for about a year and-a-half was unable and unwilling to share. He didn’t understand why she wanted the relationship to change and grow – when he wanted things to stay the same. She had to make a decision to either stay in the relationship, play small and not have her needs met – or get out.
Honest and open dialogue was the value piece that was missing from their relationship. It was a deal breaker and a core value for her. Her ex had a pattern of avoidance. He would get defensive and to mask the pain he would put it back on her. Bottom line, he is emotionally unavailable.
Do you feel you have to mute who you are to avoid conflicts in your relationship?
How to Work Through Communication Issues [12:55]
Marni recognized that during the couples conversations they would skip understanding each other’s feelings and would head straight from strategy. Erin would go into coaching, teaching, and fixing but her feelings never became part of the conversation. It always became geared toward her ex.
Erin realizes she would have an expectation that they would spend time together but would never gain agreement from her ex that they had a concrete plan. She would feel like she wasn’t important to him.
Erin wanted to hear that she was important to him and that he wanted to spend time with her. In the future to connect to shared values or to have a common desire with a partner she should have a curiosity conversation to find out how he feels.
Her relationship was missing these three non-negotiables:
1. The common value of open communication and dialogue.
2. No one took responsibility.
3. There were no common relationship goals.
Why He Isn’t the Guy for Erin [27:01]
Erin has a strong desire for growth and she needs a partner who can talk through conflict.
- She wants someone with similar values and relationship goals.
- Her desire for connection and intimacy could not be met with avoidance.
- She values growth which is the very thing that is holding her back.
- She needs to understand and feel her feelings.
It is possible to feel pain BUT it’s okay!