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Dating Den Episode 124 – with Michelle Chalfant: Why Your Picker is Broken and How to Fix it Now
Do you always gravitate toward the same type of guys even though they never come with the type of relationship you are looking for? To find out why Marni welcomes the insightful Michelle Chalfant the host of the Adult Chair Podcast. Michelle is a therapist, holistic life coach, an author, a speaker an amazing podcast, and developer of the adult chair model, a transformational model of self-realization. She helps humans discover who they are and get unstuck so they can find their power.
Why we choose the wrong guys.
– A process to help fix your picker.
– How to be compassionate with yourself and give yourself unconditional love.
– How to overcome emotional trauma and heal core childhood wounds.
– How to look for someone who complements you, not completes you.
The Adult Chair Model [3:40]
The Adult Chair model includes the three phases of our lives:
1. The child chair — Age 0-6
2. The adolescent chair — Age 7-25
3. The adult chair — Age 26 & beyond
From age 0-6 we are living in the child part of our lives. It’s during this time we learn about emotions, our true needs, spontaneity, intimacy, and vulnerability.
From age 7-25 we live in our adolescent chair which is driven by the ego. During this time we learn about the victim, guilt, blame, codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism.
If we had healthy modeling, we slide into the adult chair at 25. It’s where we live in fact and truth instead of story and assumption. It’s when we begin to set boundaries, we learn how to speak up for ourselves. We can connect to how we are feeling and thinking.
Most of us don’t land in our adult chair mentally. We are physically adults but emotionally we are stuck in the adolescent chair.
Traumas can freeze us in time and we have to go back and rescue our inner child.
Trusting Yourself and Finding Self-Compassion [18:00]
Michelle says that the adolescent part of use can wear the mask of an adult but still be making decisions from the adolescent chair.
To provide ourselves consistency and unconditional love we should work with our inner child in the following manner:
1. Validate them
2. Thank them
3. Question what their needs are
4. Have unconditional love and compassion for ourselves
As a result of this process, people say “I just feel so different. I feel more compassion for myself and others.”
When you start rescuing the younger parts of yourself, you have to keep showing up as an adult. Michelle recommends to just keep going back and reinforcing safety.
Fixing Your Picker [29:34]
Marni refers back to Hannah B, the Bachelorette to ask Michelle why our pickers are sometimes broken. Hannah originally went for ‘Bad for Her Jed’ until she gained some clarity.
Michelle recommends Hannah or any of you who may have a broken picker, to ask her inner child what happened that made her attracted to different guys. And to find information about what she gets out of choosing someone who is not the best for her.
When we are in relationships we are looking for that person outside of ourselves to “complete” us. When what really need is to do fulfillment within ourselves first and then find someone who complements us, not complete us.
If you want to find the high-caliber man you desire, make an appointment with the Dating Den experts at DWDVIP.com.
Make a Connection:
“Many women don’t treat themselves with self-compassion.”
“Traumas can freeze us in time and we have to go back and rescue our inner child.”
“Many people don’t know that there is a part of their energy still stuck in the childhood moments that define them as adults.”