Dating With Dignity

A night in the field with clients is one of the best ways to really assess how her energy is being broadcast.  Often, in her conscious she believes she is doing “everything” she can to meet Mr. Right.  For example, she “puts herself out there,”  is an active internet dater perhaps, or considers herself open minded and non judgemental.

In using the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment, I am able to discover that this conscious self-perception often does not match the true beliefs that  lie in her subconscious.  This knowledge, coupled with watching someone in action, can be an amazing way to help someone tweak and polish their vibe so that they can begin to attract not who they GET, but the men they WANT.

As Julie’s coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

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He's inside!

I recently read an article in which a 41-year old woman, Georgina Merriman, has, at long last, found love and married.  This in and of itself can seem like an impressive feat, given the hopelessness many feel regarding their love lives, but what really excited me was the irony in how her union with this dream man came to be.  You see, for 19 years Georgina has taken the train to and from work each day, and to pass the time she looked for her love online.  Not the type to leave it up to fate, Georgina knew she had to take the reins and control her own destiny if she wanted to find love.  And, while Georgina spent her evenings on the train perusing online dating sites, her future husband sat patiently in the row behind her for almost ONE year.

Finally, Georgina ripped her eyes away from whatever dating site she had been perusing, and her gaze met Mark’s.  The next day he offered her a seat next to him.  A few days after that, they began a full-blown transit-born love affair.

Georgina’s story is not a new one.  This type of love story abounds in novels, movies, or your parent’s relationship, perhaps.  It’s always the same: unsuspecting woman falls in love with least likely candidate–the man sitting patiently–right in front of her face.

The message here is not a hard one.  It’s not that dating sites are bad, or even that you should begin taking the train to work.  Georgina’s story reminds us that, as helpful as dating sites can be in finding a mate, there is simply no replacement for engaging in your life–showing up–in a way you never before considered.

Here are some ways you can do just that, beginning today:

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It’s almost time for New Years Eve, and for those of us who find ourselves single again after the end of a marriage or  long-term relationship, the way we feel about this particular night can be a billboard-sized reflection of how we currently feel about the life we are  living. For some, it’s a time to reflect upon the ups and downs of 2009, ultimately filled, nonetheless, with hope and excitement about the possibilities a new year brings.  For others, it can lead to sadness, victim thinking, and the onset of a pity party extraordinaire.   Take a few moments today to pinpoint the types of thoughts you are having this week.  Are you sending out Pity Party  invites, or celebrating YOU and the fantastic opportunities to be created in 2010?  Today’s guest blog is written by Dignity Dater, Tambre Leighn.  Tambre, widowed in her mid-thirties, has had many reasons to wallow in self-pity, yet she made 2009 her year to deep dive into the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifest Love.  The results are phenomenal, and as a witness of all she has created this year, I’m sure you will be inspired by her journey.  Here’s to creating a life you love….Tambre style. Enjoy…

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I am always bombarded with questions regarding where to meet Mr. or Miss Right. “Where do I go to meet someone who is real, authentic, and fun?” As this is an important question, lets first dig into what exactly you are looking for in Mr. or Miss Right.

Part of dating with dignity involves the creation of an intentional dating plan. In this plan you must identify what characteristics and values you want your potential partner to possess. Choose no more than five values/characteristics that are non-negotiable, and then when engaging in your search, make sure that the places and activities in which you search reflect those values. For example, if you are interested in meeting someone who values spirituality, create opportunities to meet a spiritual person in a place that embodies this value such as a church, Agape meeting, or workshop held by someone who speaks on topics related to spirituality. What follows, then, are four additional guidelines to use in manifesting your relationship vision.

1. Don’t put your attention on meeting “someone special.” Put your attention on meeting people. According to Malcolm Parks, PH.D., who is a University of Washington communication researcher and author of Personal Relationships and Personal Networks, 75 percent of the people he interviewed who reported they “date extensively” said they had help from a friend. Parks calls this the “social proximity effect,” which holds that the probability of two people meeting is directly proportional to the number of contacts they share. The bottom line? Increase your social network beyond your typical circle of friends as introductions are more likely to come through casual friends than close ones. The secret isn’t blind dates and fix-ups, it’s party invites and casual introductions at places such as the Farmer’s Market, a BBQ or class.

2. Get out of your comfort zone. If the results you have had thus far meeting someone special have netted you mostly disappointment and frustration, take a chance and try something NEW. For example, sign yourself up to be on a coed kickball team where you get assigned to a team without needing to know anyone. If you think selflessness is sexy, join a Meetup.com volunteer group. Ixnay the singles groups; instead look for a group that engages in activities that reflect your interests, and the values of your potential partner. Want to meet someone who is oh so funny? Check out a local improv class. People connect on a deeper level when they share a challenging or new experience, and what could be more challenging than engaging in an improvisational exercise with that nice guy or girl from your class. Thinking about getting in shape, or want to find someone who likes sports? Train for a race. Check out MarathonGuide.com for a list of races, or if you’re not sure what activities you could be interested in, browse Active.com.

3. Venture to places that exist beyond your typical boundaries. If you are stuck in your routine, find yourself in the same Starbucks or Trader Joes week after week, take a new route and land someplace unfamiliar. Vary the places you go to make sure your dating pool isn’t the size of a Dixie cup. Not sure where to go? Check out Yelp.com to find a new cafe, bookstore or market and then become a tourist in your own city. Like music, check out RecordStoreDay.com to find a cool independent music store when you can find a potential partner with whom you might share musical tastes. Go retail to strike up a conversation with someone at REI if you’re into adventure, or perhaps the Apple store if you are seeking a confident techie. Not sure what to say? Ask a question, seek advice, or comment on something interesting you notice about a product. Talk to people. Seek human connection. And of course, remember to smile.

4. Don’t necessarily view the weekend as your optimum time to meet and greet! If you shut down during the week, you are grossly limiting the time you spend connecting with new people. What’s more, satisfaction with your life in general might plummet after months and months of a routine that consists of nothing but work, gym, dinner and bed. Get out. Put your efforts into collecting new experiences rather than phone numbers. Find gallery openings, take a class at a community college, or hit the bookstore. Having a social life between Monday and Friday could be the key to expanding your opportunities to meeting someone new. Looking for more ideas of what to do? Check out FestivalFinder.com, and for those in Los Angeles, try LosAngeles.Going.com.

The key to success? To meet someone who might be a match, take action NOW to diversify your network and routine, remember to be brave, and in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.”