It’s Christmas Eve Day, and quite frankly while I am really feeling blessed and blissed, I am also frustrated!  I haven’t seen my kids in more than one week (they are with their dad) and for someone who is a recovering control freak, I hate feeling so “out of control.”  This is the time where I remember to take my own advice, and step out of this victim, ick feeling and begin to feel grateful for the incredible relationship I typically have with my kids’ father, the friends who love me here in Maui and at home, and the fact that my boyfriend is supportive of me despite my complaining (even though these days he is slightly obsessed with the 40 foot waves that are expected on the North Shore of Maui on Christmas Day!)  Knowing all this, he is not responsible for “getting me out of this mood,” nor is the sunshine, the gym or the tray of chocolates on the dining room table.  I get to be responsible for me, for transforming this day into one of calm, peace and gratitude.  I am going to forgive myself for agreeing to this vacation schedule with my ex-husband without really looking closely at the dates, jump into the day, and make it incredible!

Now, on to the guest blog, written by David Shade.  While it has nothing to do with Christmas, per se, it does for me.  It was on Christmas Eve, six years ago, that I was madly in love with the consummate bad boy.  He was all these things.  Sometimes he was worse.  Sometimes he was better.  I tell people, “he was the best, worst thing that ever happened to me” because the pain I suffered as a result of this relationship was debilitating.  The good news is that it took me to the depths of myself, forcing me to pick myself up, transform my thinking, and take back control of my life.

My wish is for you to take control of your life in 2010.  I’m here to support you on the journey.  In the meantime, I’m going to smile, post this blog, breathe deeply, and do what is necessary to enjoy the warm Maui breeze

Read the rest of this entry →

For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!

The Problem:
Do you often feel like men pull away, just when things are beginning to get good. Unfortunately, the common reaction to this pull is for women to push. Hard. They feel as if they must try every new thing they can to draw their man back into the relationship.

A Solution:
By developing a greater understanding of the neurochemistry that influences men to stay committed and engaged in your relationship you can stop struggling to keep your man interested. Here’s how:

1. Realize that most men are motivated, excited and happy when their dopamine levels are high. Among other things, low dopamine levels can cause depression, poor attention and focus, and loss of satisfaction. When men do not engage in activities that raise dopamine levels, they are less interested in you, the relationship, or meeting your needs. Once you notices these signs (the pull), you can take specific action to help your man to raise his dopamine levels.

2. Understand what causes dopamine to fall. Dopamine levels can fall due to poor nutrition and sleep, caffeine and alcohol. Unnaturally high levels of stress can also reduce the amount of dopamine in men’s body. Consider if one of these conditions are prominent in your man’s life recently.

3. Help your man raise his dopamine levels. Certain foods such as almonds, dairy products, bananas, and certain seeds such as sesame and pumpkin can help your guy raise his dopamine levels. In addition, encourage him to engage in competitive, adventurous action-oriented activities to raise his dopamine levels. Tell him to spend time with friends. Play Xbox. Watch sports. Or to go surfing, running or play basketball. In short, provide your man with opportunities to spend time in his “man cave” to move back to hormonal equilibrium. Once you encourage your man to take time for himself, he will be more motivated to provide you with what you need.

Once you understand that neurochemistry can impact mood swings and each partner’s willingness to have healthy, optimistic and cooperative feelings, you can stop “pushing” to ensure that your partner maintains an effective equilibrium.

One of the most alluring, yet dangerous MANimals to date is the Hunter. The Hunter is attractive, could “look good on paper” and can turn on the charm without hesitation. What’s more, he is a master at enticing women into the Faux Relationship. A Faux Relationship is one in which The Hunter receives girlfriend privileges, such as companionship, sex and Geisha-Girl type services without having to make a commitment.

If you find yourself dating a Hunter, you may:
1. occasionally cook him dinner, bring him his favorite coffee. or pick up take-out while he watches Monday Night Football (Geisha Girl Behaviors) The Hunter rarely, if ever, reciprocates.
2. believe that you can change his behaviors, even though he has no desire to change.
3. accept crumbs, believing that tiny morsels of attention are enough because he claims he is “busy,” “has lots of friends,” or is “temporarily short on cash.”
4. inherently believe that you are “different,” or “special,” which will ultimately result in the Hunter joyfully abandoning his commitment to singledom once he “comes ’round” to this realization.

One of the biggest signs you are dating a Hunter is that he will issue a Disclaimer once you have had sex, if not before. The Disclaimer conversation may look something like this:

Hunter: “I really like you Sue. You are one of the most amazing women I have met.”

Sue: “You’re amazing…this is amazing.” She looks deeply into his eyes, inciting panic in the Hunter

Hunter: He pulls back, returning her gaze. “It’s just, right now is not the time for me to be in a relationship. I’m focused on my career.” (insert any reason here including just took new job, ended previous relationship, moved to new apartment etc.)

Sue: “It’s cool. It’s fine.” She smiles, kissing him. (This is where Sue believes once he gets to know how amazing she is, Hunter will become ready to be in a relationship with her.)

Last, you can be sure you are engaging with a Hunter if the dating process like this:

1. The Hunter mostly asks you out via text, email or IM. He rarely calls “just to chat.”
2. He rarely invites you on a date in advance. Most often, dates do not occur on weekends. Late night calls on weekends are frequent.
3. He will spend time with you, after he spends time with friends. As a result, he may not see you before 10 pm.
4. Dates frequently consist of “hanging out,” watching movies etc. Ultimately, for obvious reasons, the Hunter wants you to come to his apartment rather than go out.

Throughout this dating experience, you may feel like you are on an exciting, dangerous Safari adventure. The Faux Relationship provides adventure, big ups, and lows that are dramatic. Just when you’ve had enough, however, the Hunter will reel you in. He will be charming, dole out more crumbs, take you on a lovely date, and declare that you, in fact, are special. The Hunter is adept at knowing when he must act the role of boyfriend in order to keep you near his cave.

Take note Dignity Daters. The Hunter, however, is NOT a jerk.

He has been honest, issued the disclaimer and made no promises to change. It is you who has agreed to accept crumbs. If your long-term relationship goal is to be involved in a committed, monogamous relationship, sever ties with The Hunter. Take responsibility for doing what is necessary to create space for a man who has similar goals to come into your life.

There is much going on behind the scenes at Dating With Dignity to help me fulfill my purpose on this planet, which is to bring more love, light and dignity into the world. Without incredible support from my “behind the scenes” team, it would be difficult for me to share the important tools, strategies and techniques you need to date and participate in relationships successfully. What’s most interesting, and quite honestly, fun, about the team I’ve built, is that they are men. Men who are not only intelligent, respectful, and sensitive, but who date and engage in relationships with dignity. In addition to my number one cheerleader and boyfriend, Jem, there is my Business coach, Mat Boggs, incredibly reliable go-to guy, Aaron, the many Man Panelists I work with who provide COMmentary at Dating With Dignity events, and Jason Miller, the man who is the brilliance behind the vision and execution for making this website come to life.

I intend to introduce them all to you via this blog, and thus today you have the pleasure of getting inside the mind of Jason Miller, Chief Creative Officer of Peaceful Media. Jason has contributed two posts describing how to successfully identify and date “Mr. Elusive.” Mr. Elusive is different from “Mr. Quality Casual,” because he often states he wants a relationship yet isn’t willing to commit to exclusivity. He thrives on girlfriend privileges, often acts the part of boyfriend quite well, but will directly tell you he isn’t comfortable, or ready for commitment. Jason believes, however, that you can engage in a relationship with “Mr. Elusive,” if it is managed properly. I invite your comments.

Read on.

Introducing “Mr. Elusive,” or as Jason refers to himself, the Mountain Unicorn, Mr. Muni.

When it comes to dating, women don’t want to waste time investing in a man who most likely isn’t looking for a long-term relationship. However, most often the tell-tale signs are camouflaged with good looks, being taken to a nice dinner at your favorite restaurant, or even consistently following thru on the basics such as calling when he says he will call, or arriving on time for dates. He will pick you up. He is polite, and respectful. These men, however, fall into the category of the MANimal Species known as: Quality Casual.

Mr. Quality Casual is truly a nice guy. He means well, however he really is not in a place in his life where he is ready, or able to make a commitment. Here are 7 signs to help you identify whether or not you are dating Mr. Quality Casual.

1. When he asks you out, the date regularly starts past 8 p.m. Mr. Quality Casual always has something to do before he meets you. Unlike a Frat Boy who wants to meet you after he spends time at the bar with his friends, the Quality Casual guy has reasons that are quite legit. For example, he has a conference call, networking event, important meeting, or a class at the gym he needs to fit in before the date. Either way, Mr. Quality Casual only wants to see you within the small spaces he has made available for his social life. If you notice this pattern, feel free to say in a tone that bares no sarcasm or anger, “Hey Mr. QC…. I would really like to get to know more about you. I have really enjoyed spending time together, and I’m wondering if we will be able to have a date soon that starts before 9pm.” This approach is non confrontational, and might even bring to his consciousness a pattern of which he was not aware.

2. There is a distinct pattern to the frequency and days on which you have dates. Mr. Quality Casuals date one or two days per week during the weekday, and will ask you out on one evening during the weekend. They will, not however, include you in other weekend activities.

3. If you are in an intimate relationship and spend a weekend night together, you part ways the next day before breakfast. Mr. Quality Casual loves to have “girlfriend privileges,” which can include the sleepover. However he does not want to spend his Sunday with you at the Farmer’s Market, sharing an oversized omelet and gingerly wiping syrup from the corner of your lip. He will perhaps make coffee, or offer to stop at Starbucks before he takes you home, but he has an agenda for his weekend day, and it most likely doesn’t include you.

4. Conversations between dates are infrequent and/or brief. The content of these conversations mostly pertains to catch-up, or making plans for another date. There is not much more idle chit-chat with Mr. Quality Casual in between dates. He most likely won’t share his biggest troubles, wins, or deepest secrets with you, especially on the phone. When Mr. QC communicates it is mostly to invite you on a date, inquire regarding your availability in the future, or just bare minimum check in to keep the relationship alive.

5. When he mentions plans to take vacations, travel to meet his family, or leave town for business; he doesn’t mention it until a few days before he is planning to leave. If you aren’t involved in the big details of Mr. QC’s life, you can be sure he isn’t interested in a long-term serious relationship. He will, however, tell you where if he has travel plans a day or two prior to his departure because it is relevant to making plans for future dates. In addition, Mr. QC never makes statements such as “someday we should go to (insert exotic location) together,” or “if you meet my family one day, you will learn that Uncle Sam is (insert odd character trait).”

6. He will go one or even two weeks without being available to make a date. You know you are dating Mr. Quality Casual if he only fits you into his life sporadically. When he has a big deadline at work, travels, or is otherwise distracted, you may not see him for one or two weeks. He will, most likely, contact you via phone, text or IM just to keep in touch.

7. He never invites you to join him when he goes to friends’ birthday parties, family events or other activities which involve his friends. This is the most significant sign you are dating a Mr. Quality Casual. Mr. QC will never invite you to parties, family events or include you in activities that involve his inner circle. In fact, he will let you know he is going to his “buddy’s birthday party in Hollywood,” or that it’s Aunt Susies 40th anniversary party, but he will not invite you. If he does invite you to a party with friends, Mr. QC will not introduce you as his girlfriend. Instead, he will state you are his friend.

Mr. Quality Casual is the perfect guy to date if your relationship goals do not include long-term commitment. If, however, you are looking for a serious relationship check in with Mr. QC soon to ask “his thoughts on marriage.” Use these words exactly, as they are an excellent way to determine if you have common relationship goals without making Mr. QC feel as if you are asking him if he is interested in marrying you. If marriage isn’t in his plan anytime soon, it’s time to say goodbye. Remember, creating space so that you can attract a man who is relationship-minded and shares the same relationship goals as you, is critical to finding the love you deserve.