Dating With Dignity

Tonight is the MAN PANEL: How to Increase Your Attraction Factor here at Dating With Dignity and it is an important seminar to make since it plunges the depths of the four main types of MANimals that are not looking for a substantial relationship.

The reality of dating is that almost every straight man is eager to date and enjoy the company of a nice gal, but many are not eager to actually start a substantial relationship. This is reflected in the MANimal species: most notably Mr. Elusive, The Hunter, Mr. Quality Casual, and The Crybaby (see the Dating Den videos for their full breakdowns). The hunter is the most obvious of the species, since his playa-like (no, that is not misspelled) tactics can be most easily spotted since they move like a heat seeking missle. The other boys, though, might not be as obvious. No matter if we men are Hunters, Quality Casuals , or open to the real deal; we all enjoy the company of women and pretty much cannot live without it-even if in the end, we have no intention of actually settling down. So why do I say all of this…to reinforce the idea of DATA DATING.

Even if you end up meeting some great guy who really turns your wheels but through your data dating you discover that he is just a good guy who would rather focus on his career than an actual girlfriend, you have not wasted any time. Quite the opposite: you spent 4-5 weeks taking your time, gaining insight, staying in the moment, learning about values that you dig in a partner, what you don’t dig in a partner, getting out and enjoying life with someone, practicing patience in the bedroom (which is a relationship lesson worth its weight of gold), and discovering that this potential partner would not be good for you in the long haul, even if you think he is dreamy.

I don’t want you to be scared of the MANimal species. Marni will kill me for saying it, but I’d vote for you to date them. Do it. I don’t mean look for them, but don’t walk around with your anti-MANimal spray on when you are out in the dating world. If you practice your DD principles (taking your time, ending the date vertically and clothed, keeping those emotions in balance, staying committed to your values, etc.), trust me, these MANimals will disappear and find gals who fit their agenda. Dating is all about learning about yourself and what works for you. By dating any guy, MANimal or not, you learn a tremendous amount of information about yourself, information that might make you look in the mirror and make you ten times the partner for your future mate.
Good dating changes you as a person, helps you grow and learn, and it should never be about changing the other person so they fit your agenda or become the perfect idea of a partner.

Hopefully, you will make it to the seminar tonight in LA. If you cannot or are in another part of the country, check out the MANimal Dating Den Web Series videos that Marni and I have put on the website. They break down the species pretty well. The overall idea is that we men adore you, and you truly motivate about 90% of the choices we make in life. Some of us, though, are not sure when to focus on just one of you incredible gifts to humanity. As long as you practice those DD principles, it will become very clear as to who is open to finding a committed relationship, and who wants, well…to keep hunting.

By: Christian Anderson

I am so excited to launch into answering questions we have been receiving via email and Facebook so that you can understand how to Break Free from your Romantic Rut and find partnership, love of self and a partner, as well as peace and confidence!

For those of you who are new to Dating With Dignity, let me give you a brief orientation on our philosophy regarding how to be in a successful relationship.

One of the first steps I believe you must take to being truly “ready” to be in a healthy, interdependent relationship (I’m talking about emotionally ready, not just ready in your intellect,  because your biological clock is ticking, your parents are “worried” about you, or your kids are finally more independent) is to take a deep look at what your typical dating and relationship patterns may be. It’s not that we want to dig into the past, therapy style, but more importantly for this work, simply be brave enough to recognize the following:

1.  What are my typical dating patterns (who do I usually attract, how do I “feel” in relationship, how do my relationships end?)

2.  What are the beliefs I have about relationship, my self, love, commitment, and men.  Do these beliefs limit me?  Do I have assumptions that those things that have happened in my past (e.g., I was left, cheated on, hurt, burned, objectified etc) will happen in the future?

3. Am I willing to look at how these beliefs have held me hostage, and am I ready to do the work necessary to move through them so that I can ultimately attract a partner who loves me not only in word, but via his actions OVER TIME?

Let’s use one of the brave questions I received recently as an example:

“I’m 59 and have been dating a guy for 18 months.  He has been married three times and he’s scared to death.  It’s like we were made for each other. H e does exhibit signs of what I know is true…that he is the child of an alcoholic parent…so he enjoys his alone time.  (I  mean he goes into a cave like setting when he needs to be alone.)  What can I do to help him?  Should I join Alanon just to learn?  We’re in love and we have no doubts about that, but when he does this I FEEL all alone.”  – C

Here we go…

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We received a variety of amazing questions last week from the 40 women in attendence during the MAN Panel event in Los Angeles. And, as many of you are unable to attend because you live in lands near and far, I wanted to take time today to share some of the answers that were given during the live event.

With that, please note that these are brief summaries of lengthy answers. The good news is that we recorded this amazing 2 ½ hour workshop and it will soon be available as a DVD you can purchase and download! If you are interested in taking advantage of the pre-production sale price ($19.99) please shoot me an email at marni@datingwithdignity.com and we will make arrangements to get it to you FIRST. Of course, once the video is complete it will be available for purchase on the site.

Ok, now on to your questions and answers…

Can you convert or change a man into one of the higher evolved MANimals? If you decide to give it a try, are you merely being “co-dependent?”

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I seem to always have a few clients who can’t seem to leave a relationship when the man with whom they are in a “Rut” is a “Cry Baby.”  Often referred to as the “sensitive type,” the Cry Baby is so attentive, sweet and connected when he is with you, yet when he is out of sight it feels most definitely that you are “out of mind.”

On Thursday, during the “Identifying the Men In The MANimal Species” workshop on May 6th in Los Angeles, I will reveal how to repel Mr. Cry Baby so that you can begin to magnetize Boyfriend Material. For now, however, let’s begin with a review.

The “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) Assessment identifies the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into your dating experiences. In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful you may have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into your life — MANimals who are not relationship-ready!

While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.

As I mentioned to the two clients with whom I did D-Factor Assessment Coaching Debriefs last week, the truth is this: this stuff is unconscious. It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.

The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks! And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.

Let’s put on our imaginary special 3-D MANimal glasses for a few minutes now, and SEE exactly what the Cry Baby is thinking? What does he truly believe? What are his fears? His hangups? And how his actions are merely reflections of his deep, unconscious thoughts?

The Typical Cry Baby “D-Factor”

The Cry Baby will most likely have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired make look like this:

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As part of the research I am doing in preparation for “Identifying the Men In The MANimal Species” workshop on May 6th in Los Angeles, I have been playing detective, and truly getting into the mix of the WHO behind each of the MANimal species. As part of my work I am consistently assessing the “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) of my clients to identify the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into their dating experiences.  In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful they have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into their lives — MANimals who are not relationship-ready!

While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.

The truth is this:  this stuff is unconscious.  It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.

Guess what?  The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks!  And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if you had special 3-D MANimal glasses that enabled you to SEE exactly what each MANimal is thinking?  What he truly believes?  His fears?  His hangups?  And why his actions are merely reflections of these deep, unconscious thoughts?

Now, for the first time, I am revealing the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” (TFB) of each MANimal.  Today, we will begin with a close look at “The Hunter.”

The  Typical Hunter “D-Factor”

The Hunter will most likely  have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default  tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired make look like this:

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Here is the scoop on this week’s Question at Dating With Dignity: How do I establish boundaries and express my needs without causing my guy to “run off,” or think I am too high maintenance?

Ok, the truth is this:  Time isn’t “running out,” but I invite you to act like it is, because often we only act when we think there is an immediate consequence.

The consequence is this:  The longer you play it “cool,” the longer you are allowing yourself to spend time dating men who aren’t looking for what you want — a relationship.

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to decide when your needs are as important as having a date, receiving text messages, or being the one “chosen” for occasional girlfriend privileges.  In fact, in order to attract Mr. Boyfriend Material, it is imperative that you become aware of your needs, set expectations, and hold  men to the boundaries you set.  Why?  Because the truth is that men who are ready for a relationship are looking for a woman who is confident, aware of what she “wants,” and isn’t afraid to communicate these needs. (using respectful, appropriate, and kind communication, of course).

Here are a sample of expectations and needs I have approved as “appropriate.”  Try them on, then create your own list, noticing how it feels when you imagine yourself actually letting go of a man who doesn’t meet your needs.

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