Dating With Dignity

I went on no less than 100 Internet dates between January 2004 and February, 2009. I met my first post-divorce boyfriend on Craig’s List, experimented with Jdate, Match.com, Nerve.com, Plentyoffish.com., Elitemeeting.com, and more. I went on coffee dates, dinner dates, drink dates, hiking dates and dates that lasted less than 15 minutes. I even traveled to New York city to meet someone who, for the 10 day prior to our face-to-face meeting, I truly thought was my soul mate.

He wasn’t.

I did, however, meet some incredible men online with whom I have become friends. What’s more, Internet dating can work. In fact, my dad met his girlfriend on Jdate. It was his first, best, and only online date. There are countless success stories of those who have found love online , which is why, if you become an adept, intentional Internet dater, you can enjoy the process of dating online. Here are five general guidelines to help you find love online.

1. Five Pictures Plus. Ensure that prior to meeting a potential date you have seen more than 5 photos of this person. If they have just two photos, one of which is a professional headshot, ask them via email to send you pictures directly. Don’t feel that because you are requesting more photos you are going to be perceived as “picky,” or “shallow.” In truth, you are taking care of your needs, reducing the possibilities of disappointment and ensuring you don’t waste time. Occasionally, you may receive a reply that reads like this. “Sorry Susie. I don’t have any recent photos, My friends tell me I am much better looking than my pics. Don’t worry. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.” In my experience I have found that those men and women that need to tell you they are attractive should be avoided. In turn, ensure that you have at least five photos to post online, and don’t spend energy reassuring your prospect that you are, in fact, attractive.

2. Zoom-a-zoom: Ensure that of those five pictures, at least 3 of them are close up photos. If you have to zoom into the face, squint, lean into your computer screen, or find yourself asking friends if the prospect is attractive because the zoom effect has pixilated John or Sue’s face into a 1980s version of Tetris, ask for additional photos.

3. Do the Sherlock- Holmes, that is: If you kindly ask when the prospect’s online photos were taken, there is a fifty percent chance he or she may exaggerate. Instead, ask a more open-ended question that can prompt insight into this person’s values about honesty. For example, “I am fascinated by the online dating process. In what ways do you think a person’s online dating profile reflects who they really are?” Not only can you discuss photos and other information they have posted on their profile, but this line of conversation can also provide insights in their belief systems, values and experiences dating online.

4. You so sexy: If you are looking for the possibility of a serious relationship, avoid men who post pictures of themselves sans shirt. Men should also be quick to avoid women who post provocative photos. Posting these kinds of photos tells the online “shopper” that this person feels their self worth is based mostly on their attractiveness or sexuality.

4 ½. No guarantees: If you have done all you can to reduce the risk of picture fraud, be certain there are no guarantees. Whether the pictures the person has posted online are accurate or not, smile when you meet her. Not attracted? No worries. Spend time practicing your dating skills. Ask open-ended questions. Release judgments. Smile again. And be sincere upon ending the date. For example, “I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know more about you Susie. Thanks so much for agreeing to meet me. (Look directly into Susie’s eyes. (Smile) I wish you the best of luck. I hope you have an amazing day.” Do not tell Susie you will “talk to her soon,” “talk to her later,” or send her an email. Say thank you. Say goodbye. If Susie contacts you again, politely tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent together, and that “it’s not a match.” No more. No less. Remember, like energy attracts like energy. If you desire to surround yourself with compassionate, polite and honest members of the opposite sex, do the same in kind.

It has been rockin’ this week at Dating With Dignity! On Tuesday and Wednesday we launched the “8 Weeks to MANifesting Love” Program. The women in these two groups are open, brave, beautiful and FUN. I am blessed to be part of their journey towards finding love. There is much change in store; I will keep you updated here when there are important issues, breakthroughs or questions that come up in the groups.

This week we discussed how Limiting Beliefs, which are things that you accept about life, yourself, or the world, and how it drives what kind of men and women you meet. Here are some examples of common Limiting Beliefs: “Men over 40 only want to date younger women.” Or, “All men/women in LA are superficial.” Or, “If I get into a relationship I will have to lose my independence.” If you believe these thoughts to be true, it is most likely that this is what you will create in your life. But is this what you really want?

What are your Limiting Beliefs? Jot them down. Once you have the list, go through each one and ask yourself these questions:

1. How true is this belief, really?
2. Where did I get this idea from?
3. How has this belief affected me?
4. What action can I take to let go of this belief? How can I put this into action immediately?

I invite you to leave your list of Limiting Beliefs, and the strategies you use to let them go in the comments box at the end of this blog. Those readers who leave at least two Limiting Beliefs/Strategies will earn themselves a 30 minute complimentary telephone coaching session with me! I’m looking forward to your responses.

We also held the first in the series of ASK the Expert teleclasses today. Dating expert David Wygant shared some excellent tips with callers. Take a look at these juicy nuggets:

1. The best places to meet men and women include gourmet and organic food stores (a la Whole Food, Trader Joe’s) a bike path, hiking, and Starbucks. The worst places? you guessed it: Bars and clubs, especially during weekends. If you want to increase your chances of being approached, head out to a local restaurant or coffee shop by yourself. Bring a book, newspaper or your laptop. Don’t wear headphones though, having buds in your ears screams “don’t approach” to potential new friends.

2. If a man introduces sex into the conversation, asks for sexy pictures, or makes innuendos early in a phone call, instant message conversation, or date you can surmise he most likely isn’t looking for a relationship. David reminded callers to trust their intuition. If it feels odd, move on.

3. If you are not certain how a man feels about moving from casual to a relationship, you can be sure he isn’t interested in making a commitment. David repeated what I discussed in an earlier post: When a man is interested in you he will profess (e.g., tell the world you are “his” woman), protect (give you his jacket or walk you to your car) and provide (buy you dinner, fix your sink, or change your lightbulb).

4. Love yourself enough to let go of men who don’t meet your needs.

The next ASK teleclass is Thursday, September 24 with two Matchmaking experts at Catch Matchmaking! Registration information will be posted soon.

I’m off to Sacramento this weekend for continuing education via the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). Will share tomorrow. Until then, peace.

It’s Labor Day, a time to reflect on the concept of work. And while it’s true that nothing worth having comes without work, effort, blood, sweat and tears, this does not hold true when it comes to dating. In fact, when done with the right attitude, energy and approach dating can be fun.

“Hah,” you say, furrowing your brow as you remember your last Internet date with the guy who looked more like George Jetson rather than George Clooney. This search for love is not fun, you argue. It’s disappointing. Frustrating.

Here’s the Dating With Dignity news flash this Labor Day, 2009: Dating could, in fact, be fun. Let me suggest two strategies to test this week as you launch into Fall.

1. Like attracts like. In the dating world this translates into something simple; What you think is what you will create. Thus, if you think mostly of negative thoughts such as “dating is frustrating,” “I will be disappointed,” “Internet dates are irritating. “ “The men never look like their picture,” or “I’m never going to meet anyone.” “Dating is a waste of time,” then this is the result you will create. Become aware of your negative thoughts this week. Record them in a journal. Once you become aware of what you are creating, you can then you can begin to effect change in your life.

2. Begin Data Dating. One of the primary lessons clients learn in the Dating With Dignity program is to approach dating as a positive adventure. View dating as an exciting, fun process in which your objective is to not only to collect data about the men you date, but most importantly, have fun while you are doing it. Dating should NOT be work. If you find yourself agonizing with you’re your friends, wondering, questioning, and doubting yourself, then it’s time to date someone else. Need to break it off? Use my favorite words. Say, “Hey, I really enjoy spending time with you Brad, yet I know in my heart it’s just not a match.” Smile. Tell Brad to have a nice day. And then create space for someone pleasurable to come into your life! When you are dating effectively, you will have fun. Dates will include laughter, friendly banter, and you will feel good the next day. Collect data. Have fun. Write these words on a Post It note, put it on your computer, refrigerator, or near your phone. Make this your mantra.

Just four more days until Thursday, which is when I will have my interview with David Wygant. Wygant, an incredibly thought provoking dating expert, will take you inside the minds of men during this 60 minute interview. Don’t miss this! Go to askdavidwygant.com now to let me know your question for David. Don’t forget! Enjoy your labor day. And don’t work too hard!

I have worked with many clients whose quest for love and relationship has become one of the most important parts of their lives. In fact, there are many who seem to build their social plans around one singular goal: meeting members of the opposite sex. If you are not on a Dating Fast these days, (see yesterday’s blog for details) my invitation to you this weekend is to modify the approach you take to making plans. Instead of making the focus on where you could go to “meet men,” try to listen to your heart’s desire. Take time to get quiet. Listen to the voice inside. Where do YOU want to spend your time? On the hiking trail, checking out new music, or maybe you prefer to go to the beach, take advantage of another warm weekend?

Think about it, then read this article by Guest Blogger, 23-year-old Maya Burkenroad. Let me know how you approach your plans this weekend. I can’t wait to hear how it turns out.

Saturday Night
By Maya Burkenroad

So I’ve recently embarked on a new era of my nightlife plans. I have come to the realization that, while going to bars that are known to have the most cute boys has always been a main focus, it’s quite frankly the worst idea ever. Let me tell you why.

When a girl goes out, their main objective is to find a guy to lock eyes with. He comes over, tells you he noticed you right away, you have incredible conversation while your friends talk to his equally handsome friends (yeah right, what bar is this?), he then asks for your number, tells you he’ll call, and calls you the next day for a date.

Unfortunately, this is what normally happens: you walk into the bar. See cute guy, think you are giving him your best bedroom eyes and that you will have him wrapped around your finger, when in fact he is probably telling his friends about the creepy girl totally checking him out. You barely talk to your friends as your force your way to the bar to somehow make “accidental” bodily contact with him. This normally includes elbows to the back, spilled drinks, which you of course offer to clean up, and some sore man toes. So you finally get to talk to your man who suavely tells you that he noticed you the second you walked in, which is complete bullshit. Meanwhile your friends are forced into talking to his sub-par friends. You say something like “we should hang out sometime.” He begrudgingly asks for your number, but tells himself that you’ll probably at least give him a blowjob. He says he’ll call, but instead texts you that night. Example: “really great to meet you, sweet dreams,” or “hey what are you up to now?” You feel good about this text, you are thinking, “he’s thinking about me before he goes to sleep” blatantly forgetting how difficult it was to get him to talk to you in the first place. Little do you know, the text wasn’t an “I am head over heels in love with you, text” it was an “ I really just wants to feel your boobs” text.

So after this text, he does one of three things –
1. Texts you 3-4 days later post office hours (after 6 pm) asking, “what you are up to?” “Do you smoke?” “Want to meet up?” This not him asking you on a date. This is him asking you on a not date.
2. Never calls (likely)
3. Asks you on a date (least likely).

There is a very simple reason for why the results we end up with are not what we wanted in the first place; guys and girls have different intentions when going out to bars and the like. Girls go out to get a date (admit it) and guys go out to meet girls and have sex with them the very same night, or soon after. Don’t get me wrong, guys are allowed to do their thing and chase the tail (if you will), but it just doesn’t have to be your tail they are chasing. Well maybe for a minute. . .

Think about it, all the great couples you know – did ANY of them meet in a bar? No, probably not. While some guys do go out in search of their soul mate, and some girls do go out to land some booty, in general we are in quite the conundrum here.

I’m 23. I am so not looking for my soul mate, or the love of my life. I may not be looking for a Sunday kind of love, but I am certainly looking for one that will last past Saturday night. So Instead of spending your entire night ignoring your friends who you CAME WITH to stare at some stud (yes I said it), go out, have fun with your friends, flirt, but just know that you are probably not going to meet the man of your dreams. And that’s ok, because he is probably just waiting for you in the produce section of the grocery store or something. . .