Dating With Dignity

I was emptying the magazine rack the other day and ran across an issue of Men’s Health I had lifted from the condo we stayed in during our vacation to Whistler last summer. In the July/August, 2009 issue of Men’s Health, actor Josh Duhamel gave an interview in which he talks about his marriage to Fergie, and offers a handful of personal mantras to readers. While I’m not usually a fan of Men’s Health, I was somehow drawn to the sidebar and noticed that the Duhamel-isms listed seem to be apropos to dating and relationships. Perhaps he’s on to something. And, as it is time to reflect on those things for which we are grateful, it seems to me that the message becomes this: when we choose to focus the lens through which we view the world to see mostly greatness and wisdom, it somehow manages to appear everywhere — even in Men’s Health. It’s this point of view for which I am grateful this Thanksgiving.

Now, on to the task at hand;  the translating Duhamel-isms into Dating With Dignity -isms.

1.  Be Yourself. Know yourself, then be yourself.  As man panelist, Christian Anderson, always reminds DWD viewers, men and women are attracted to someone who is real.  A person who isn’t afraid to sweat.  Someone with whom you can be silly, or laugh with when you erroneously push on the door marked pull.  It’s no surprise three dates have resulted from the Dating With Dignity cooking event last week because the  fun setting made it simple for everyone to be themselves.  We are all most authentic and thus attractive when we are our genuine selves.

2.  Learn to accept rejection. While Josh may be referring to his acting career, this point of view applies quite perfectly to dating.  ”It’s not a match”  is just part of the dating process.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, that you “messed it up,” or that you are not worthy of love.  It simply means that you weren’t “right for the part.”  Get back in the saddle, schedule another audition, and prepare yourself for greatness.

3.  Do it for the right reasons. Don’t lose sight of what you want in your life — what kind of life do you want to really create? While we can endlessly argue regarding when to have sex, when to “break up,” or when to send a text and when to call, check in with your intuitive voice to make sure whatever you are doing comes from a place of self-love, dignity and peace of mind.

4.  Turn the page. What has happened in the past is done.  Duhamel says to simply move on, turn the page and look for the lessons learned.  Have no regrets.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive others.  And then, begin to write the next chapter.

5.  Make time for your posse. According to Men’s Health, Duhamel makes time in his life to stay connected to old friends, despite his active lifestyle.  Ensure that you stay connected to friends, both old and new.  Reach out.  Connect and make plans.  A key component of the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Method to Manifesting love includes, “Creating a Life you Love.”  Connecting with friends keep you grounded and ensures that with our without a mate, you have a fulfilling, love-filled life and a supportive community.  If you feel isolated, take action to begin connecting.  This means STOP whining, blaming and isolating.  Pick up the phone.  Send an email to an old friend, take the first step to reach out to someone you met at a party or class, or look online tonight for a meetup.com group that is meeting near you.

6.  Look Back to Move Forward. Self-awareness and recognition of old patterns, behaviors, thoughts and beliefs can help you see where you WANT to go.  Each bad date and failed relationship provides new information and insights to what you don’t want, plus an array of opportunities to fine-tune your dating tactics.  Become a better on-line dater, learn to be more discerning, and continue moving forward.  Honoring the distance traveled lends perspective to the next leg.

Happy Thanksgiving Dignity Daters.  I am blessed for this forum, grateful for your attentive ears, and honored that you spend time with me here each day.  I’m sending you love, light and reminding you to be grateful for your beautiful, magnificent SELF, your unique gifts, and the energy you bring to the world.  Hugs.

It’s almost 2010, and there is no better time than now to  bust free of the patterns and behaviors that are keeping you stuck in the romantic rut you have possibly been experiencing for years.  While it’s no easy feat, the first step is to identify what, in fact are those behaviors that leave you wondering and unhappy “the morning after.”  Here’s a simple, (although not without it’s challenges) step-by-step process to break free of your romantic rut:

1.  Think about those moments when it seems the voices in your head are screaming conflicting messages. For example, see someone whose smile gives you butterflies but leaves your feet frozen, your lips sealed?  What are the messages you hear from the “inner critic” inside your head?  ”Do, it!  Just talk to him/her” vs. “She/He doesn’t want to be bothered.  ”Walk away,” the inner critic shouts.  ”Just grab your coffee and move on!”  These moments provide an opportunity to look deeply at what keeps you from moving forward.

2.  Grab a piece of paper and pen. At the top of the paper, describe the “moment” above using just a few simple words.  For example, ” I want to talk to someone I find attractive.”  Next, ask yourself, what feelings result from my fear.  Perhaps your answer is something like this, “I feel fearful, afraid of rejection.”   Then, draw a downward arrow which begins at the original moment, leading to the resultant feelings or thought described above.  Draw another arrow.  What happens when you feel fearful and afraid?  Perhaps you convince yourself that it’s a smart decision NOT to speak to this person.  Once more, draw another arrow.  What is the resultant action from this thought or feeling?  Does this one sound familiar?  ”I look down, grab my coffee and leave the store.”  How does this make you feel?  Possible answer?  ”Ashamed and stupid.”  Ahhhhh.  Now then, if you feel ashamed and stupid, what will you do the NEXT time you see someone you want to approach?  Most likely, you will repeat this cycle endlessly. Becoming aware of these cycles is paramount to breaking them.

3.  Commit to making NEW choices in 2010. At what point in the cycle are you willing to make a new choice and adopt new behaviors?  For example, the next time you see someone attractive at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, (apologies to Starbucks, my usual coffee shop reference) you remember that today you will make new choices.  Then, when confronted with the “old” messages, you decide this time you will  make a different choice.  You will not be victim to the vicious cycle.  You choose defiantly; this time you will not look down.  Instead, you smile!  Perhaps today will not be the day you speak to this person, but you will be victorious in knowing this small thing — this smile — has lifted you up, freeing you from the romantic rut of yesterday.  As a result, you no longer feel ashamed or stupid.  You feel confident, proud of the way in which you have confronted your fears directly.  Bravo.  And then, perhaps, one day, the next time you get coffee, you will talk to this person,  complimenting him or her on her decision to go with the Hazelnut Soy Latte.

4.  Wash, rinse, repeat. By taking time to become aware of all your cycles, you can begin to make new choices every day.  New actions will bring new results.  Experiment.  See what behaviors continue to be challenging.  Congratulate yourself when you experience successes.  Gently dig deeper when you continue to feel stuck.  Either way, confidently trust that new results will bring happiness, fulfillment, freedom, peace of mind and dignity.  Continue to explore repeatedly, and watch your new life blossom as you transform before your eyes.

In January, 2010 I will launch a series of monthly 30 minute free tele-classes called “Date-Tactics 2010.”  During these 30-minute sessions I will teach, support you in your efforts to break free from romantic vicious cycles, help you make new choices, and answer your questions.  I hope you join me.  Watch the website for dates and times.  In the meantime, I’m looking forward to your greatness in 2010.

For months I have been discussing an array of tips and techniques to help you begin to transform the way you approach dating and relationships.  I know from many of you, this has been challenging, often frustrating, yet immensely fulfilling.  One of the most important things to remember on the journey to manifesting true love is that feeling slightly, or even very uncomfortable with new behaviors most likely indicates you are walking on the right path.  For someone who is letting go of people who don’t meet their needs, saying “it’s not a match,” to someone who may fill your time, but not your heart’s desire, or sitting with empty space during a Dating Fast, I applaud you!  You are brave.  You are stretching to new limits, making sacrifices to get what you want,  and living in harmony with your vision.  Here are a few common feelings, thoughts and actions you might be experiencing as  someone who is truly playing the game of life in new exciting ways:

Thoughts: While you are experimenting with new limits, setting expectations and making mistakes on the journey, you may be thinking, “What do I do next?” Perhaps you are having thoughts about how you might sabotage your efforts.  Imagining making choices that aren’t in harmony with your vision.  Or, perhaps you have feelings of self doubt.  Let me give you a reality check; these feelings are totally normal!  Remember, making change is challenging and the voice inside your head (the inner critic) will take any opportunity it sees to try to break you down, and return you to your old way of being.  Power through!  Remember to get centered, stop, think and make the best choice for you.

Feelings: While walking down this new, unpaved road in unchartered territory, you may become frustrated and fearful when you don’t experience immediate success.  Perhaps you are fearing that you will ultimately fail.  Maybe, you feel like your life is a roller coaster as you celebrate the “wins,” but become sad when you feel you experience a “loss.”  Nevertheless, you ultimately are enjoying more periods of peace in your life.  Your confidence is growing as you taste the sweet results of beginning to fall in love with yourself and the life you are beginning to create.

Actions: If you have set an intention to reach your relationship goals, and are continuing to work on creating a specific vision for your life, you will begin to experience new levels of clarity. With each new action comes increased awareness.  You may be experiencing new “ah-ha” moments, epiphanies, and improved connections with people in your life.  Each action results in movement, progress and increased self esteem.  When you take an action that is “old,” it feels odd.  You begin to see how this no longer fits your “new” self.  Mistakes are made, of course, yet they no longer bog you down.

I invite you to continue your journey with me as I improve this website, create new workshops, tele-classes and products to help you manifest love, intimacy and partnership.  I am here to support you.  Reach out, ask for help, and know that you have a partner in me as you design and create the biggest love of your life; your love of self and another.

LA Dignity Daters!  Can’t wait to see you at tonite’s workshop!  Haven’t registered yet?  Register now at: http://www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=12a46223a27643d190878e51cebf6476&mid=11238FCC-6C84-4640-B4D8-817E72418500&bhcp=1

And remember, I can always be reached at datingwithdignity@gmail.com

It’s time to answer a question I receive frequently regarding online dating!  One DWD fan, in particular wrote to ask if  it is appropriate for a woman to pursue a man online.  She also asks how long should she communicate via email exclusively? Well folks, here’s the dealio:

1.  Both men and women can initiate contact online! If you are interested in someone’s profile online, feel free to write them to say hi.  Send a short, one paragraph email mentioning something specific you have read about them in their profile.  Nobody likes to receive a generic cut/paste email.  Take a few minutes to really read their profile.  Did they mention a book or class they have taken?  Take an extra second to do a google search on that topic, become quickly familiar with the thing they have referenced, and then mention it in your email.  Bottom line?  Show that you are doing more than shopping for pictures.  Let the person know you are interested in him or her, their interests, and tell him/her why you think you could be a good match.  One paragraph is fine!   A great email close?  Try this:  ”I would love to meet you soon, Susie, to hear more about (insert topic, book title, vacation they mentioned etc).  Let me know when you are free!”  If you do not hear back from “Susie,” do not lament.  Instead, know that in some way the Universe was protecting you from wasting time with someone who is “not a match.”  Don’t write back.  Don’t wink.  Let it go, moving on to create space for someone new.  If you receive an email and are not interested, take time to write a brief email that looks something like this:  ”Hi Brad.  Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me.  While I am flattered by your inquiry, I believe we are not a good match.  Best of luck in your search.”

2.  Move past email communication quickly.  Take a quick pit stop at texting if you must, pause to talk on the phone once or twice, but make sure you are headed towards the face-to-face meeting within one week – 10 days. Don’t invest time and energy in someone you don’t know.  Don’t share intimate details about yourself, your life, your hopes or your dreams online.  Make sure emails don’t become journal entries.  Be positive.  Upbeat.  Don’t become friends on Facebook.  If a man continues to email you without moving to the next step, let him know you would like to meet, however do NOT ask him on the date.  Simply write something like this:  ”I’ve enjoyed communicating via email, but would love to be able to chat in person soon.  Looking forward to speaking with you.”   By using the word, “speaking,” you are letting him know that you are very close to being done with email communication. Then, let it go.  If he does not write you to invite you to meet, or request your phone number, move on.  Do not write back.

Women need to be patient.  Create space for a man to invite you out, or take the online interaction to the next level.  Men, please don’t linger in email hell.  Instead, cut to the chase, make a plan to talk on the phone.  Ask her out on a date via phone. (remember, you aren’t expected to chat with her for hours) And don’t forget,  make sure  your first date with someone you have met online involves meeting for something quick, such as coffee or a drink.  Not a match?  Hang in.  Be polite.  Don’t make promises to “call you soon,” if you won’t.  Remember the Dating With Dignity Mantra, “It’s not a match!”

Please send your questions for Q and A Monday to datingwithdignity@gmail.com using the subject line: QUESTION.

Also, remember to register NOW for the NEW workshop I am teaching tomorrow evening from 7-9pm.

Designed for ANYONE who is interested experience HIGHER levels of success in dating and relationships, this workshop could be your “ah-ha” moment that begins to CHANGE the results you are getting in your love life. We will register at 7pm, have a drink and appetizer, then sit down to work at 7:30pm.

Remember, this is a NEW workshop to expose you to FIVE steps you can take to FINALLY bring love into your life.

In addition to receiving a 25-page “Personal Relationship Guidebook,” people who attend this workshop will learn skills to:

1. Get OUT of your romantic rut, or make sure you don’t GET into one
2. Increase your confidence to make sure you get your EXPECTATIONS met
3. Get FASTER results in finding a long-term relationship
4. Make BETTER choices to stop wasting time on dates or relationships that are GOING nowhere

To register now, while it’s still on your mind go to: http://www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=c3b487207afb4f06bc97e54f7b33df99&mid=11238FCC-6C84-4640-B4D8-817E72418500&bhcp=1

The truth is this, the man (or woman) who you dream of — the one who makes your heart pitter patter, the guy who is still interested weeks later, even though you haven’t had sex, the one who calls the next day, instead of vanishing after telling you he hasn’t had this much fun in years — this guy, will not randomly end up talking to YOU at Starbucks today. Unless, that is, you have done some serious work to prepare yourself for his (or her) arrival.

That said, I hear women and men consistently tell me they are, “ready for a relationship.”  In fact, I said it myself for three years.  I told myself, friends, and family that I was really enjoying myself, having fun dating, but if the “right” guy showed up, I would totally be “open to a relationship.”

Heard that somewhere before?

The truth is, I wasn’t ready.  Not even close.  Here were the signs:

1.  I kept meeting the “wrong” guys. Let’s see, they were nice, good-looking but not wanting to make a commitment.  They were super hot, but too young, too focused on their career or super not interested in dating a divorcee with three kids.  Or, they were really nice but I wasn’t attracted to them for a myriad of reasons.  I went speed dating.  Online dating.  I had a blind date with Chuckie, who my friend’s friend said was  ”successful and amazing.” What she didn’t tell me was that Chuckie would reveal somewhere between the appetizers and entree that he  ”felt sorry” for the stripper he had been recently dating so he gave her $10,000, to help her “get back on her feet.”  Needless to say, Chuckie was not a match.  I met the 43 year old hot  guy (At Starbucks, actually)  who had a foot fetish, which only became clear to me when on our 2nd date he wanted to see my closet.  It wasn’t until I broke it off with the the nice teacher guy  I dated for three months who happened to conveniently live 400 miles away that I realized I was just not ready.  Then, the question became why.

2.  I was really enjoying my independence, something I had never experienced before, and it had become very, very safe. I had been married at 22 years old, a wife for 17 years, and had never before lived independently.  And now, I truly enjoyed being in control of my life, my children, my travel plans, the remote control, my weekends and my bedroom.  I enjoyed deciding when I would exercise. When I would see friends.  And when I would hit an evening yoga class, eat cereal, and watch 10 episodes in a row of “How I Met Your Mother.”  I remembered hearing a friend of mine tell someone she was spending her weekend sans kids traveling to her boyfriend’s parents home on the East Coast to attend a Bar Mitzvah.  I thought, “Holy cow.  This is the last thing I would ever want to do with my weekend.  ick. bleck.  ugh.”  I was not ready.

3.  I began to wonder if I enjoyed my freedom, or was just terrified of losing it. Because I had never before had an interdependent relationship, I began to fear that  it wasn’t that I enjoyed my independence, but that I was mostly afraid of losing it.  I didn’t know if I could mesh “my” life with the life of another person.  I didn’t know if I could still feel strong, secure and love myself if there were a man in my life to shlep the suitcases up the stairs or pump my gas.  I wanted a relationship, or so  I thought, but at what cost to me?  Clearly,  I wasn’t ready.

And then, suddenly, I became ready.

When my mother died it hit me.  Suddenly, I knew the truth.  She had been married to my father for 45 years.   I knew then that although hooking up with hot guys had been fun, and quite frankly developmentally appropriate for a divorcee who married at 22, and that it had been quite empowering to take my three daughters camping in the wilderness solo, this was the ultimate truth; I didn’t want to leave this planet without experiencing these things:

1. true, unconditional love
2. intimacy
3. becoming truly empowered by my vulnerability, and
4. what it would be like to participate in an interdependent partnership.

“Yikes,” I thought.  ”This is a tall order.”   Then I remembered the vision I had created for my life.  A vision I had been working on diligently since December, 2006 when I did the Hoffman Process.  I remembered how hard I had worked to become authentic, real and independent.  And I knew, that the relationship I had with built myself was now secure.  Safe.  I knew that it was now my time to become ready.

What I learned that becoming ready to be in a relationship was a process.  Hard work.  It was a time when I had to dig deep, ask for help. Get support.  And become educated.  I beefed up my investment in coaching and therapy. Attended workshops.  Did my homework.    And then, months and months later, when I had cleared my plate, the Dating Fast in full force, I knew I had truly become ready.

It was three weeks later that I met Jem, The Brit.

So then, are you ready?  Are you willing to go to any lengths–to do the work necessary to become prepared for your Starbucks moment?  Come find out next Tuesday, November 17, at a workshop I’m hosting, “5 Ways to Totally TRANSFORM Your Love Life for 2010.”  Your vision — your relationship –is waiting.  To register go to:

www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=fc72dbb45ef245f1950eb4b6caf796b0&mid=11238FCC-6C84-4640-B4D8-817E72418500&bhcp=1

It’s almost Thanksgiving time, and while I’m clearly thinking about turkey, time with family and the drive to Scottsdale where my family lives, I am also thinking about how gratitude has helped transform my life. One of the Dating With Dignity foundation principles involves the awareness that “like attracts like,” meaning that it is imperative to become aware of how your negative thoughts and beliefs will impact who you are meeting when you are out searching for a potential partner. Thinking that “all women in LA are flakes,” or that “all men won’t stay with me unless I sleep with them straight away,” will, in fact, ensure that those are the people whom you are attracting into your life. Why? Because, “like attracts like.”

“Fine,” you say. “I’ll buy it.” But then, you ask, “What’s next?” How does one simply change their beliefs if they think, in their heart of hearts, that these thoughts and the accompanying feelings are the TRUTH. It’s a tricky challenge, but there are several things you can do today to begin shifting your thoughts, create positive, healing, anabolic energy, and start to attract what you WANT into your life, instead of those things and people you don’t want.

STEP 1: Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Start each day by thinking of those things for which you are grateful. Life sucks these days? Don’t despair. How about starting with the fact that you woke up, are breathing and are blessed enough to have the physical health to stand up and walk to the toilet. Throughout the day, remember to adopt this positive attitude. Have a nifty wireless device? Go to your “notes” section whenever things go wrong, and jot down something for which you are grateful. No nifty device? No worries. How about using a small notebook and pen? Carry it with you, put it in your car, and begin to focus on the positive! At the end of the day review your list, take pause to acknowledge those things for which you are grateful, and end the day.

STEP 2: Do something NICE for someone else. To begin feeling good about yourself and your life it is imperative you step outside yourself and possible victim-like thinking. Here are a few easy suggestions to positively impact the life of a fellow human being:

1. See a parking meter running low while you’re out during errands? Throw in a quarter or dime! Giving this anonymous gift will surely be appreciated, plus it will most likely make you feel good, and prevent someone else from experiencing frustration.

2. Do you ever find yourself in the grocery line with dozens of items while the person behind you has just a few? Invite him or her to go ahead of you. Smile, and enjoy his/her gratitude at your kindness.

3. Want to be really crazy, nice? When you are driving, let someone turn in front of you, stop for a pedestrian, or give someone else the primo parking place, even if you are looking for one too.

STEP 3: Begin to practice connecting to what is important to you. Try meditation, yoga or taking time to sit quietly in a safe, sacred space once per day. For additional support in learning how to do this effectively, email me at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will send you a downloadable MP3 called “The Deep Centering Technique” I have recorded which will help you focus inward, meditate on the abundance you do have in your life, and help you begin to raise your energetic levels. The long-term result of practicing these principles over the next four weeks? A new outlook which will ultimately enable you to attract positive, quality men and women into your life as you walk the road to finding love, plus increased fulfillment in all areas of your life.

Remember, in taking responsibility for your attitude, thoughts, feelings and actions you can begin to CREATE unlimited happiness. Try it. Not only will you feel better, more fulfilled and increase your self esteem, but you will ultimately begin to move towards finding long-term love and relationship.

I hosted an incredibly insightful dinner party last night with the Dating With Dignity support team, most of whom are men. In attendance were Christian Anderson, one of your favorite man panelists, Jason Miller, my web designer who is a self-described “Muni,” (he jokingly says he delivers a scroll on which the disclaimer is written on the first date), Chris, a former hunter who turned legit boyfriend last summer, and Mat Boggs, my business coach and creator of the thought-provoking seminar, “6 1/2 Secrets to Cracking the Man Code.” In addition to general banter surrounding the ins and outs of internet marketing, the conversation turned to dating and relationships.

Once again, I was able to reconfirm the number one thing men are CRAVING for when it comes to relationship — a woman who is confident, secure and feminine. They are, in fact, clear on one thing; a woman who, despite her beauty, good humor, kindness and tight butt, needs excessive reassurance is someone who quickly becomes an albatross. These men, who are all incredibly smart, ambitious, talented and handsome, are searching for a woman who loves herself so deeply that she never depends on validation from her partner to make her feel lovable, worthwhile and attractive.

As it is, in fact, my mission to teach women and men to love themselves so that they can attract someone to love, here are a few “signs” you most likely need to focus your efforts on yourself before you embark on a journey towards loving someone else.

1. You ask questions like, “Does this make me look fat,” “Why did you do (or say) that?,” or “Do you still love me?” The Dating With Dignity men joked that these questions, which are commonly asked by women in relationships, are among the most annoying questions a women can ask. They called them a complete, “turn off,” and lamented over the fact that what is most frustrating is there are no answers to these questions that a woman finds acceptable. Stop asking. If your clothes are too tight, you know it. And, unless the few pounds has turned into twenty, the DWD men agreed that they can’t tell if the cookies you ate last night made you feel bloated. Last, don’t ask a man if he loves you. Ever. Words and actions must match. If your man has told you he loves you but begins to pull away, there is a better way to check in on his feelings towards you. And, asking “why” he did or said something makes him feel defensive and childlike. You are not his mother, you are his lover.

2. You say things like, “Just hold me,” even though your man has been spending time with you being affectionate, cuddling and/or giving you attention. Mat Boggs describes it perfectly in his “Cracking the Man Code” Seminar when he states that men need short, attainable goals to feel successful. Men want to please women, in fact, they need to feel like they are your Knight in Shining Armor to keep on keepin’ on. That said, when he does his best to give you attention, holds on to you while you watch Entourage or Monday Night Football, or reads his book nearby while you give yourself a manicure, let him go away when he needs his space. If you are constantly criticizing him and tell him it’s “not enough” he will want to hide long-term. Instead, settle into the time you are together, be present in the moment, and then encourage him to go play Playstation or watch videos on YouTube when you are done with your nails, the show is finished or it’s halftime.

3. You are jealous and weirded out when you see issues of “HFM,” “Maxim,” or “Playboy” in his bedroom, or see old pictures of him with his girlfriend. The truth is, your man had an entire life before you met him. It included ex-lovers, ex-girlfriends, and an array of females who are still his friends. A woman who is threatened by these relationships, past and present, is at risk of turning-off the man with whom they are in love. Your man left those relationships for a reason, and if he consistently shows he loves you, then you have no reason to fear the past. His friends, male and female, are simply not threats.

4. You relate to songs like, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” “No Air,” and “Lost Without Your Love.” The truth is, that when you love yourself and have created an amazing life that is interdependent with your partner’s life, you don’t think your life would suck without him. While you would be appropriately heart broken to lose an important relationship, you know in your heart that “you will survive,” and that even without him your life is truly awesome. You can, then, in fact, breathe when he is no longer your boyfriend, and you will not be lost without his love. When you have a deep sense of self, confidence, a community of friends, a profession you find fulfilling and self love, your life never sucks. Ever.

Facebook fighting has become more problematic than breakups via text. Oh dear…remember when life was simple, and Carrie Bradshaw went on a pot-smoking bender because Berger broke up with her on a Post-It Note? Nevertheless, it is imperative then when it comes to Facebook and relationship, you must be dignified, appropriate and drama-free. Here are a few simple guidelines to follow:

1. Friending the ex? As is the case with all exes, you must first determine whether or not both parties no longer have feelings for one another. Perhaps you are over John, but if John has not let go of the possibility that one day you will return his undying love, it is best that John not be your Facebook friend. If he is an avid Facebook fan, it will not help is ability to move on when he sees the mobile upload you posted from the date enjoyed at the farmer’s market with your latest boyfriend. If however, the ex is currently in a relationship, is happy and you are confident that gin and tonics will never lead to sex, then rest assured you can friend John.

2. Don’t send friend requests to men you want to date. Don’t kid yourself, sending a friend request to Brad, the guy you met at the bar, hiking trail or at the gym does not help your long-term chances of being asked on a date. Let Brad pursue you, friend you, Myspace you and most definitely, IM you first. If Brad does IM you, accept and then keep the conversation short. The goal is to get Brad to ask you out on a date, via the phone. If Brad lures you in via IM, he can happily chat with you, his three other friends, watch Sportscenter AND check his email. Not good. You want Brad’s full attention. Say hi. Chat for 1-2 minutes, and politely say good bye. Important, log off. You won’t want Brad to think you snubbed him, and most importantly, don’t you have something better to do with your time?

3. Be bold. Remove the relationship status information from your profile. If you are dating, you don’t want someone to make any assumptions about your relationship status from your profile on Facebook. Be dignified. Let him ask you if he must know. And, quite frankly, if he has friended you he should know your status because you met in person prior to becoming Facebook friends. I know I’m going out on a limb here, but remember that random Facebook stalkers need not know your relationship status. Let them ask directly. Finally, if you begin dating someone you like, and would like to become exclusive, the status issue becomes benign if it isn’t there to begin with. Having a conversation about exclusivity is challenging enough without having to ask if it’s “time” to change your status from “single,” to “in a relationship.”

Oy. Enough said.

I spent the last few days doing what I do quite well; coaching men and women through a break up. Perhaps Sunday night was simply the culmination of an unknown cosmic universal force, resulting in “Break Up Weekend;” a time in which the stars and moon aligned to create new space in the lives of several of my clients.

The Toss In

In the game of life, tossing in the cards or “throwing in the towel” is one of the most challenging places to be. Endings can be painful and uncomfortable, triggering the most powerful messages from your inner critic; negative self-talk that can dominate during times of extreme pain and sadness. Whether a breakup is inevitable or a complete shock, men and women are rarely ready for this significant phase in their life to end. As a result there is an onslaught of negative thinking, fear, sadness and desperation. “I’m too old to begin a new relationship,” “He or she was the best I’ll ever have,” or “I’ll never find someone else to love,” are common Limiting Beliefs men and women hold when experiencing a breakup. Time spent in the “toss in” is painful as we grieve the loss of hope, fantasies and the relationship itself. If you are in The Toss In, consider exploring this process to help you move forward:

1. What are the characteristics of a relationship you admire? List them on paper. Identify the five characteristics that are most important to you.

2. Can these characteristics be described as values you hold in regard to relationship?

3. Did this relationship provide you with these things, most of the time you together?

4. Try this experiment. Imagine you have awakened from a night’s rest and the sadness you were experiencing was miraculously overcome while you were sleeping. You wake up, knowing something is different; that something must have shifted during the night. What is the first thing you notice that confirms something did happen. How do you feel? What thoughts are going through your mind? What actions do you take? How do you live your life with these new thoughts and feelings?

5. Ask yourself if you are willing to create space in your life to allow this type of relationship, these types of feelings to exist in the future.

6. Break through Limiting Beliefs. Understand that choosing to live in fear and worry will close off the outflow of new possibilities. Make a conscious choice to stop living from a place of lack. Agree to begin living from a place of abundance.

The Shuffle – A Time to Heal

Once the cards have been tossed in, an invitation exists to pick up the cards and begin again. This phase in the cycle of change is called “The Shuffle,” a period of healing which provides a time to heal, reflect and create space to re-design your life. I often ask clients to question their Limiting Beliefs and consider if, in fact, they believe these thoughts to be true in their hearts. Most often, as time passes and hearts begin to mend, their answers are, “no.” Ultimately, The Shuffle offers opportunities to live life by design, rather than by default. As you begin to Shuffle, consider these questions:

1. What is your number one relationship goal? Marriage? Family? Finding a long-term relationship? Living with a partner without marriage? Identify your specific goal and put it in writing.

2. Clarify your values. Create a list of five values you must share with your next partner. This will be your “non-negotiable” list when you begin dating again.

3. Begin to enjoy your new life. Spend time with friends. Spend time alone. Become comfortable in who you are. Live from a space of abundance, joy and peace. Begin to develop an appreciation for who you are becoming as you prepare for the next phase of the your life.

While pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. With loss comes the possibility to have something new in your life; the love you deserve. Toss in the cards. Grieve. Then, let “The Shuffle” begin.