A night in the field with clients is one of the best ways to really assess how her energy is being broadcast.  Often, in her conscious she believes she is doing “everything” she can to meet Mr. Right.  For example, she “puts herself out there,”  is an active internet dater perhaps, or considers herself open minded and non judgemental.

In using the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment, I am able to discover that this conscious self-perception often does not match the true beliefs that  lie in her subconscious.  This knowledge, coupled with watching someone in action, can be an amazing way to help someone tweak and polish their vibe so that they can begin to attract not who they GET, but the men they WANT.

As Julie’s coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

Read the rest of this entry →

Hey Dignity Daters! I’m preparing for my workshop tomorrow night in Los Angeles in which I’m collaborating Dr. Theo Kousouli, a chiropractic healer. We are going to dig deep into one of the most frequently asked questions here at Dating With Dignity — a question which I have received a few times from clients the past few days. Here it is:

Q: I want to make changes in my life, but seem paralyzed by fear. I hear voices that say, “I’m not smart enough,” “It’s the best I can do,” or “It’s too hard and scary.” What do I do? Sometimes I feel hopeless?

A: It’s quite horrible when the feelings seem so big, scary and paralyzing. In fact, I remember times in my life where I simply buckled to my knees and heaved giant sobs. Other times, the tears wouldn’t come. Instead, I felt vast amounts of anger, powered by thoughts of revenge, rebellion or hatred. Ultimately, however, I tired of myself. My complaints, the whining, and the same feelings of dread and sadness became monotonous. What, I wondered, could I do that would enable me to really experience joy. Here’s the steps I took, which involved a process we will discuss tomorrow during the workshop at The Beverly Hills Country Club.

1. I learned how to shift my thinking from that of the “victim,” to a place in which I decided to take responsibility for my life. Instead, I became very intentional regarding the specific steps I could take to move into action. What step will you take today to move into action?

Read the rest of this entry →

For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.

When you have a bad moment, ick day, or you just seem to fall back into a rut, it’s powerful to know that you can make the choice to “coach” yourself back to vibrating at a higher energy level. The result, you are able to manage typical “down” moments when the inner critic in your mind is having a hey day to ultimately take back control of your life. Here’s how:

1.  Identify a specific incident in which you were successful at moving from catabolic, negative energy into an anabolic or higher energy state. Remember a time when you seemed to have “pulled” yourself out of a slump to show up for a friend in need, turn an awkward moment into something memorable, or find the good in a situation that at first seems quite negative.

2.  Think carefully about the situation, and recall how you turned yourself around. In the situation you identified in step 1, determine the defining moment in which you were able to make this shift? Did you remember something you read in a book, make a choice to stop being “Debbie  Downer,” or hear your Aunt Selma’s warm voice in your head telling you, “chin up?” Did you remember something you read on this blog, or heard at a Dating With Dignity workshop.  Think carefully.  Then, use the same technique in the new situation.

3.  Alternatively, think of one positive trait or characteristic a friend would use to describe you. Once you identify the trait, brainstorm possibilities of how this characteristic could best be used to help you shift your energy in the current situation.  Perhaps your friend would say you are intuitive?  Or compassionate?  Maybe you are funny, like me?  Think, then, how could could you best use your intuitive skills, compassion towards others, or humor to raise the energetic frequency at which you are vibrating.

Remember, each moment gives you an opportunity to define who you want to be.  The choice is yours.  Don’t let traffic, the slow cashier at the grocery store, or the holiday frenzy at the mall determine who you attract into your life.  Like attracts like.  Be conscious of your energy, then take action to move yourself into a positive, upbeat mood and choose to live a life of acceptance and peace.

Don’t forget, it’s almost time for Q and A Monday.  Have a question this weekend?  Make sure you send it to datingwithdignity@gmail.com.

And, here’s something exciting to look forward to!  If you or a friend (someone who is single or in a relationship) are interested in having better sex, (who isn’t?!) don’t forget to register now for the FREE Ask the Expert Tele-class with Chrystal from Blissconnection.com.  Even if you can’t make the call on Wednesday, register so we can send you the recording.  Here’s the link: http://www.datingwithdignity.com/dl/askchrystalbougon/

It’s almost Thanksgiving time, and while I’m clearly thinking about turkey, time with family and the drive to Scottsdale where my family lives, I am also thinking about how gratitude has helped transform my life. One of the Dating With Dignity foundation principles involves the awareness that “like attracts like,” meaning that it is imperative to become aware of how your negative thoughts and beliefs will impact who you are meeting when you are out searching for a potential partner. Thinking that “all women in LA are flakes,” or that “all men won’t stay with me unless I sleep with them straight away,” will, in fact, ensure that those are the people whom you are attracting into your life. Why? Because, “like attracts like.”

“Fine,” you say. “I’ll buy it.” But then, you ask, “What’s next?” How does one simply change their beliefs if they think, in their heart of hearts, that these thoughts and the accompanying feelings are the TRUTH. It’s a tricky challenge, but there are several things you can do today to begin shifting your thoughts, create positive, healing, anabolic energy, and start to attract what you WANT into your life, instead of those things and people you don’t want.

STEP 1: Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Start each day by thinking of those things for which you are grateful. Life sucks these days? Don’t despair. How about starting with the fact that you woke up, are breathing and are blessed enough to have the physical health to stand up and walk to the toilet. Throughout the day, remember to adopt this positive attitude. Have a nifty wireless device? Go to your “notes” section whenever things go wrong, and jot down something for which you are grateful. No nifty device? No worries. How about using a small notebook and pen? Carry it with you, put it in your car, and begin to focus on the positive! At the end of the day review your list, take pause to acknowledge those things for which you are grateful, and end the day.

STEP 2: Do something NICE for someone else. To begin feeling good about yourself and your life it is imperative you step outside yourself and possible victim-like thinking. Here are a few easy suggestions to positively impact the life of a fellow human being:

1. See a parking meter running low while you’re out during errands? Throw in a quarter or dime! Giving this anonymous gift will surely be appreciated, plus it will most likely make you feel good, and prevent someone else from experiencing frustration.

2. Do you ever find yourself in the grocery line with dozens of items while the person behind you has just a few? Invite him or her to go ahead of you. Smile, and enjoy his/her gratitude at your kindness.

3. Want to be really crazy, nice? When you are driving, let someone turn in front of you, stop for a pedestrian, or give someone else the primo parking place, even if you are looking for one too.

STEP 3: Begin to practice connecting to what is important to you. Try meditation, yoga or taking time to sit quietly in a safe, sacred space once per day. For additional support in learning how to do this effectively, email me at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will send you a downloadable MP3 called “The Deep Centering Technique” I have recorded which will help you focus inward, meditate on the abundance you do have in your life, and help you begin to raise your energetic levels. The long-term result of practicing these principles over the next four weeks? A new outlook which will ultimately enable you to attract positive, quality men and women into your life as you walk the road to finding love, plus increased fulfillment in all areas of your life.

Remember, in taking responsibility for your attitude, thoughts, feelings and actions you can begin to CREATE unlimited happiness. Try it. Not only will you feel better, more fulfilled and increase your self esteem, but you will ultimately begin to move towards finding long-term love and relationship.

The Dating Den, September 25, 2009: How to Approach With Confidence from marni battista on Vimeo.

As promised yesterday, I want to share some insights my client made this weekend while we were out “in the field,” together. During the evening’s post mortem coaching session, we agreed that the “pearls” or “ah-ha” moments she had are most likely not unique to her, and thus she has agreed to let me share them here.

As her coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

2. How behaviors impact the image and messages she broadcasts to men. Throughout the evening, my client and I reviewed and discussed several messages we believed other women and men were projecting. Some of the messages were obvious (such as the aforementioned blondes), while others were slightly more intriguing. For example, a tall woman who wore a mid-thigh animal print dress stood over the buffet table investing a large amount of energy into chewing her celery sticks. She did not smile; she was too busy chewing. Understandably, “animal print” woman may have felt awkward because she was standing alone. Nevertheless, her discomfort increased with each stalk of celery she picked up, as her chewing and interest in the buffet table continued to make her completely unapproachable. Ten minutes later “animal print” woman put down the celery, stopped chewing and began to look around the room. She relaxed her shoulders, stood up and lifted her head. She moved approximately four steps away from the buffet table, slightly leaning into a nearby wall. Almost immediately, a nice looking man approached and began to engage her in conversation. My client then became aware of how her movements throughout the party environment were sending powerful messages. Once again, she found herself having difficulty standing alone anywhere in the room, even briefly, which might have made it more simple for men to engage with her. When she did move outside to stand alone it was to smoke a cigarette. Despite her smoking habit, she intends to quit in October, and does not want to attract any man who smokes. Guess who approached my client? A smoker, of course.

3. What messages are her clothes broadcasting? My client was shocked when a man with whom she was talking described her as a “party girl,” during their conversation. As I was standing next to her, I was able to discuss this perception with him once she left the patio. He felt that because of the jeans she was wearing, (They were ripped jeans) she was most likely a big partier. She was also wearing a flashy belt, another accessory which lead him to make this misperception. In fact, my client rarely drinks at all and never uses recreational drugs. Ahhh..the power of clothes, accessories and shoes.

4. Become aware of your limiting beliefs. Each opportunity is one in which you can create what you truly desire. See it, just don’t seek it.