Dating With Dignity

He's inside!

I recently read an article in which a 41-year old woman, Georgina Merriman, has, at long last, found love and married.  This in and of itself can seem like an impressive feat, given the hopelessness many feel regarding their love lives, but what really excited me was the irony in how her union with this dream man came to be.  You see, for 19 years Georgina has taken the train to and from work each day, and to pass the time she looked for her love online.  Not the type to leave it up to fate, Georgina knew she had to take the reins and control her own destiny if she wanted to find love.  And, while Georgina spent her evenings on the train perusing online dating sites, her future husband sat patiently in the row behind her for almost ONE year.

Finally, Georgina ripped her eyes away from whatever dating site she had been perusing, and her gaze met Mark’s.  The next day he offered her a seat next to him.  A few days after that, they began a full-blown transit-born love affair.

Georgina’s story is not a new one.  This type of love story abounds in novels, movies, or your parent’s relationship, perhaps.  It’s always the same: unsuspecting woman falls in love with least likely candidate–the man sitting patiently–right in front of her face.

The message here is not a hard one.  It’s not that dating sites are bad, or even that you should begin taking the train to work.  Georgina’s story reminds us that, as helpful as dating sites can be in finding a mate, there is simply no replacement for engaging in your life–showing up–in a way you never before considered.

Here are some ways you can do just that, beginning today:

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There is no such thing as “stuck.” As you may know, at Dating With Dignity I often talk about how we get trapped by language. Here’s the good news. Try this on for size:

In truth, “stuck” is the exact, right space for me to be in, because there are lessons to learn RIGHT HERE, right NOW.

Holy wow!  Imagine my surprise when I discovered this concept a few years ago when pondering why I was unsatisfied, afraid, and confused regarding the status of my relationship with Max, a teacher I had been dating for three months from San Francisco.  Freed from thinking I was like a “truck stuck in the muck,” I invited “stuck” to really seep into my consciousness.  I’m not stuck, I decided.  In fact, this is an opportunity to grow.  This is a new place for me.  If I choose to expand; to move towards the “stuck,” I  will ultimately move closer to what I truly want.

Then, I begin to literally envision myself magnetizing new, unknown information — drawing the lessons I needed to learn from this relationship towards myself.  I asked the “still quiet voice” inside for guidance.

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It was announced today that Jerry Springer is going to be hosting his own dating show        called Baggage.  On the show, the contestants compete for a chance to win a dream date.  Sounds  harmless enough, right?

Well, here’s the catch: The suitors have to reveal all of their faults and eccentricities to their  potential date, represented by a huge suitcase each player is required to bring onstage.  Among the  first contestants: a shoplifter, a woman addicted to psychics, and a control freak.  ugh.

While the contestants chosen will be examples of extreme types of “baggage”, the show’s central  theme is one that we tackle when coaching someone to Date With Dignity.  For many, someone  else’s “baggage” is considered somewhat of a deal-breaker.  Of course, everyone has some, so the  main question becomes this: Exactly how much crap are you lugging around in that suitcase of yours?  Is it a fanny-pack, with a few broken childhood dreams inside, or an entire set with an accompanying bellhop to help you lug it around?

No matter where you fall on the baggage scale, we’ve compiled some tips to help you lighten the load:

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I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.

There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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it’s a common question, “What should I do?”  You ask your mom, best friend, therapist or a teacher.  Where did it start, this asking a question without really defining the question.  Remember this routine?  As a child in elementary school you would shuffle up to your teacher, eyes pointed down. “I don’t get it,” you would mumble, hoping for the quick answer; an easy fix.  She would respond, perhaps asking you to clarify, “What’s your question?” she’d say. “Hmmm…That’s the damn question for which you most likely didn’t have an answer. It was so much easier, faced with overwhelm, to simply do the shuffle, crease your forehead and look confused  Again, you would ask, pausing this time.  ”Ummmm…I don’t get it,” you’d say once more.

As an adult, you still may not get it sometimes.  But  when faced with challenges now, you ask a different question, still desperate, however, for direction and guidance.

“What should I do?” you ask.

Today, a client called to ask this question.  He was regretting a break up and wanted nothing more than for his ex to take him back, trusting that the previous year filled with make-ups and break-ups was just a simple mistake.  ”What should I do,”  he asked.  ”What can I say to get her to take me back?”  Of course, you could imagine that as a Life Coach I seldom tell someone “what to do.”  Occasionally, I may dish out some “best advice,” but mostly I answer that question with this doozy; this piece of information designed to help the one who is asking the questions to ask a better, more specific question.

Instead of, “what should I do,”  I tell clients to ask themselves, “What’s the next step I could take today?”  This approach requires that one break the answer down into baby steps — ask the Universe,  his “Higher Power,” or God, perhaps, for little pieces of internal wisdom that can act as a flashlight, providing the guidance necessary to see just a few yards in front of his face.

Ask yourself, “What is the next step I could take today?”  The answer will come in the form of small, measurable steps. What’s now required is faith that taking this step, following intuition and listening to the quiet voice within will provide the direction that is required to maintain forward motion.  Want more information?   Learn to ask more specific questions — not of your friends, mentors or coach, but of yourself.  Clear away the clutter to gain access to your internal wisdom.  Develop a practice to connect to this wisdom consistently through yoga, meditation, a brisk walk, or simply staying still during your morning shower.

Ask.  The answer will come.  Perhaps you won’t receive the BIG answer — the one that will tell you what the future holds. Most likely, my client didn’t get an answer to his question such as “break up.”  ”Make up.”  Or, “she’s THE ONE.”  However, through the empowering questions I did ask him, he came up with a strategy for today — an answer for the question he had regarding his next step. Most important, the answer didn’t come from me.  It came from within him.

Ask yourself.  Be still.  Listen, and then know that sometimes a flashlight is exactly what you need to stay on your feet, moving forward, one step at a time.

It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

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It’s almost time for New Years Eve, and for those of us who find ourselves single again after the end of a marriage or  long-term relationship, the way we feel about this particular night can be a billboard-sized reflection of how we currently feel about the life we are  living. For some, it’s a time to reflect upon the ups and downs of 2009, ultimately filled, nonetheless, with hope and excitement about the possibilities a new year brings.  For others, it can lead to sadness, victim thinking, and the onset of a pity party extraordinaire.   Take a few moments today to pinpoint the types of thoughts you are having this week.  Are you sending out Pity Party  invites, or celebrating YOU and the fantastic opportunities to be created in 2010?  Today’s guest blog is written by Dignity Dater, Tambre Leighn.  Tambre, widowed in her mid-thirties, has had many reasons to wallow in self-pity, yet she made 2009 her year to deep dive into the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifest Love.  The results are phenomenal, and as a witness of all she has created this year, I’m sure you will be inspired by her journey.  Here’s to creating a life you love….Tambre style. Enjoy…

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