Dating With Dignity

It’s amazing to me that one of the biggest frustrations I hear from women I meet is that men don’t do “what they want” them to do. They text too much,  are not on time, come on too strong, are too nice, too busy or don’t call at all.

Geez, is it really the men who are all wrong?  In even making the list above I realize that while there are plenty of men who have not yet completely MANvolved into Mr. Boyfriend Material, is it really their “fault” they are not meeting your needs?  To make things trickier, when I ask women what they need or want, many can not articulate exactly what they are looking for.  That said, imagine if you knew the following:

1.  What you want in a partner — exactly.  (And I am talking deeper than dark hair, tall and financially successful)

2.  How to effectively communicate your needs and expectations in a way which vets out those who are not a match, without having to be a bitch, brash or judgemental.

3.  Simple ways to set boundaries so that you can allow the possibility of a relationship to unfold, before you automatically delete him from your phone.

Read the rest of this entry →

A night in the field with clients is one of the best ways to really assess how her energy is being broadcast.  Often, in her conscious she believes she is doing “everything” she can to meet Mr. Right.  For example, she “puts herself out there,”  is an active internet dater perhaps, or considers herself open minded and non judgemental.

In using the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment, I am able to discover that this conscious self-perception often does not match the true beliefs that  lie in her subconscious.  This knowledge, coupled with watching someone in action, can be an amazing way to help someone tweak and polish their vibe so that they can begin to attract not who they GET, but the men they WANT.

As Julie’s coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

Read the rest of this entry →

I was thinking about holidays yesterday, and how the men I dated  in the past influenced my experience of Fourth of July.  There was the “Big Breakup” guy who told me, point blank, on July 4th, that he wanted to cancel plans because he “wanted to hang with his friends, drink some beers, play pool and chill.  He then said that I should ‘get it,’ intimating my disappointment was inappropriate.  He also told me I was being”needy” when I retorted to his change of plans, claiming, “Most guys wanna spend time with their girlfriends on the Fourth of July.”  He wouldn’t buy it, however, and the rejection sent me into a downward spiral that lasted the entire night.  Sure, I went to watch the fireworks with a girlfriend, but I remember feeling acutely sad, embarrassed in that fact that my “man” had no desire to smootch me during fireworks, and very, very hurt.

After moving on from “Big Breakup” guy, I begin to grow and change significantly.  I did personal work, shifted energy and as a result met a guy I adored.  He was very much “into” me when we began dating, and it was with him that I first realized that when it came to sharing a bed with someone and waking up in “his space,” I would get a case of  the “heebie jeebies.”  The second the lights went out, teeth brushed, and cuddle time over, I wanted to BOLT.  Yep, I didn’t like one thing about the sleepover.  I remember thinking, “wow, men must feel like this when they like the person they are with, but not enough to want to wake up to them the next day.”   This relationship came to an end near an event that happened, coincidently, around the Fourth of July.  Just prior to sunset, SleepOver Guy told me he wanted to leave the party, and call it a night.  He had to wake up early for work, he said.  ”Ugh,” I thought.  This sucks. Another ding in my Fourth of July memory bank.  I was disappointed, as I wanted desperately to have the romantic kiss with him.  I had pictured it perfectly the entire evening, envisioning him leaning over the balcony at my friends home, kissing me underneath a blazing sky filled with reds, whites and blues.

Read the rest of this entry →

I celebrated my birthday yesterday.  I turned 44.  And while it was “my day,” it was also one day in a string of many that have included a flurry of graduation celebrations (two of my kids graduated and are attending new schools in the fall), the birthday of my “baby” who turned eight, organizing a trip for seven to Europe, and launching a new part of my business. All glorious things which are the fruits of the creating the life I love — fruits which bring love, as well as stress and responsibilities.

Last night, when I came home in between dropping my teenager at her graaduation party, changing clothes, grabbing the “presents” and heading back to the Pacific Palisades for dinner with my dad, his wife, my step-sister, boyfriend and kids, I walked into the kitchen to find an array of incredible flower arrangements and a package of chocolate covered strawberries — all sent to me by incredible friends, clients and coworkers.  ”Holy Wow,” I thought, almost in tears.

How many years had I only “wished” someone, just even one person, would send me flowers, unappreciative of what I had received or too numb to even notice.

How many years had I built up expectations of what a birthday celebration “should” look like, imagining how my kids were supposed to act?  Frustrated by my former husband and lovers, thinking the plans they made should be better, or different.  Often times I settled, often times I was living in a fantasy, and other times I was simply so disconnected I spent most of the day lost in my thoughts, trapped in my head.

Read the rest of this entry →

Earlier this week we discussed the challenges involved in setting boundaries.  The good news is that the clients I have been working the past few days are becoming “Boundary-Setting Rock Stars!”  From not accepting inappropriate behavior and the resultant “we’re not a match chat,” to a parent lovingly telling her teenage son she loves him, but will no longer allow him to speak to her using certain words, these women are taking steps towards creating self love that is boosting their confidence, making them happy, and feeling empowered.

While all this is fabulous, the hours and days after setting the boundary can often be a grueling test of our commitment to self-care and maintaing our dignity.  Here are a few tips and scripts to ensure that when you set a boundary, you are able to enforce it with love, compassion and fierce commitment to YOU:

1.  An effective boundary is one in which YOU are in control of you, and not based on the other person changing his/her behavior. Quite simply, it is not a boundary if you can not enforce it.  For example, if you no longer want to receive text messages or phone calls after ten pm, you would simply ask the man who is calling after 10 to not call you after this time, and then gently let him know you will no longer accept his calls.  Then, of course, you must follow through on your commitment.  Often, when someone is on the receiving end of a boundary they will test you to see if you are sincere. (See number 3 below.)

2.  Be clear. When setting a boundary, make sure you are SPECIFIC and clear when articulating it to the receiver.  Often, if there is room for interpretation, the receiver will take this space and create his or her own version of the boundary, using his/her interpretation as an excuse to wiggle and manipulate.  If the boundary involves someone doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing, and communicate it in a loving and compassion tone.  Setting a boundary does not require “conflict-energy.”  In fact, to be an effective boundary setter, practice using the Dating With Dignity “Combat-Free Communication System” in which you:

• acknowledge the other person’s feelings and state your understanding of his or her position,
• state your needs clearly,
• and, create an opportunity to collaborate with him or her to come to resolve the challenge.

In order to set a firm boundary and articulate it with clarity, you first must be clear on the boundary yourself.  This is a great opportunity to get help from your coach or a supportive friend, to ensure that all the “holes” are filled, and that there is no wiggle room for the receiver.  If you are a person whose “default tendency” when you feel under the gun plummets towards uncertainty and  self-doubt, take time before the conversation to anchor yourself to your values, rights, and long-term goals.

Read the rest of this entry →

In the two classes we have running right now, “Breaking Free from Your Romantic Rut,” and “Living Beyond the Rut,” there are more than 35 women embarking on journeys of self-discovery.  One of the most important themes that bubbles to the surface each week is the concept of how to set appropriate boundaries.

For those of you who have that covered, keep in mind that I am not just speaking about telling a guy “no,” when it comes to sex, or asking that he be on time.  I am talking about the types of boundaries that set your stomach a-twitter simply by envisioning the conversation in which you have to say “no,”  face the retaliation, see the look of dismay or have the argument that ensues once you draw the line.  What’s more, consider if these boundary-setting conversations may need to start happening in your life with colleagues, your boss, family members, and even friends.

To help with this delicate concept, I am sharing 5 boundaries that are mostly non-negotiable.  In addition to my “own” list of critical boundaries to set based on several Dating With Dignity High Potential Dating Concepts, I am also gleaning insights from America’s Numero Uno expert on setting boundaries, author Melody Beattie, who released her recent book, “The New Codependency,” in 2009.

1.  We are done saying “yes,” when we mean “no.” In “Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut,” we work diligently to create lists of what we will no longer say “yes” to, and then, as a result, what it means we will say “yes” to.  For example, “I am saying no to getting merely crumbs of attention from men,” and  ”I am saying yes to believing that  my needs are important.”  Get the picture?  In setting effective boundaries, we stop saying yes when we really, truly mean “no.”  Often, words such as “it’s fine,” or “whatever,” escaping from behind your lips in whispered disgust may be a sign you are not setting or enforcing this boundary.

Read the rest of this entry →

Two University of Delaware professors tested the effect jealousy can have on women.  The result?  You truly can be blinded by jealousy.

Heterosexual couples were asked to sit at separate computers, and rate the attractiveness of pictures of landscapes.  Halfway through the experiment, it was announced that the men were going to be rating the attractiveness of single women.  The professors found that the women who felt the most jealous by their partner’s new task became so distracted that they were unable to spot and report on targets right in front of their eyes.  The study authors say these findings demonstrate that social emotions can literally affect what people see.

This can explain that dizzying wave of distraction that has a tendency to wash over us when someone we are dating, or interested in, ogles an attractive woman on the street, and why jealousy is responsible for the demise of so many relationships.  The truth is, while some jealousy is normal, there is very little room for excessive envy in a healthy relationship.  This is especially true when you are just beginning to date someone.  Premature jealousy can put the brakes on an up and coming relationship, and can be a high-flying red flag for many men.  Additionally, jealousy isn’t the most pleasant emotion to experience, and can blind you to how great your man may be.

Luckily, there are many things you can do to keep the green-eyed monster under wraps:

1.  I know it’s cliche, but you really have to love yourself.  Insecurity breeds jealousy.  If you are insecure with yourself, or your value, it’s important to take the appropriate steps towards raising your self esteem.  Dating With Dignity offers a number of ways you can take care of yourself, and raise your self-confidence.

2.  Make sure you aren’t bringing past negative experiences into the present.  For example: An ex-boyfriend might have cheated on you, causing you to feel jealousy more quickly than is appropriate.  When jealous emotions surface, make sure you are living in the present, and responding–not reacting–to your current situation.

3.  When you feel the blinding jealousy about to take over your consciousness, stop it in it’s tracks.  Ask yourself if what you are feeling is TRUE of this moment, or if you are responding to something else (for example, insecurity).  Remember that jealousy is most often a triggered response, and easily talked down once you figure out its source.

The above tips are a starting point on which to begin to get your jealousy under control, and prevent it from blinding you to reality.  They may seem hard, but with practice you will be well on your way to seeing things clearly, and living in confidence.

Here is the scoop on this week’s Question at Dating With Dignity: How do I establish boundaries and express my needs without causing my guy to “run off,” or think I am too high maintenance?

Ok, the truth is this:  Time isn’t “running out,” but I invite you to act like it is, because often we only act when we think there is an immediate consequence.

The consequence is this:  The longer you play it “cool,” the longer you are allowing yourself to spend time dating men who aren’t looking for what you want — a relationship.

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to decide when your needs are as important as having a date, receiving text messages, or being the one “chosen” for occasional girlfriend privileges.  In fact, in order to attract Mr. Boyfriend Material, it is imperative that you become aware of your needs, set expectations, and hold  men to the boundaries you set.  Why?  Because the truth is that men who are ready for a relationship are looking for a woman who is confident, aware of what she “wants,” and isn’t afraid to communicate these needs. (using respectful, appropriate, and kind communication, of course).

Here are a sample of expectations and needs I have approved as “appropriate.”  Try them on, then create your own list, noticing how it feels when you imagine yourself actually letting go of a man who doesn’t meet your needs.

Read the rest of this entry →