Dating With Dignity

I am back at Dating With Dignity after a nearly four week hiatus traveling in Europe.  I was traveling with my three daughters ages, 14.5, 12, and 8, plus my partner of 18 months, The Brit.  We have all travelled together before, including three weeks in Hawaii, what seems like a zillion long weekends in Scottsdale, Arizona and Napa, California, as well as a two week trek through the Northwest and Canada last summer.

I had nothing but HUGE expectations for this trip, and never for a moment intended it would be anything less than perfect.  And that, my dear friends, was my BIGGEST mistake.

Perfect?  What the hell is perfect, anyway?

After all,  who is “perfect?”  What trip is ever  ”perfect?”  What accommodations are “perfect?”  What weather is “perfect?”  Nothing, I might have realized before leaving, would be perfect.

Yet, despite my advanced training and professional accolades, when the “shit hits the fan,” and I am under stress, I  consistently struggle with wanting to categorize everything into TWO categories — For example, a person is “In” or “Out.”  A situation is “Good or Bad.”  In fact, because of this tendency to think in terms of only “black” or “white,” and demanding nothing less than “perfect” I spent much time during my hiatus reminding myself to live, “in the question mark.”

What is the Question Mark?

I like to use imagery to help clients (and myself) understand what life is like when lived “in the question mark.”  Imagine then, if you will, the two extreme options.  For example, the man I am dating is “in”  – meaning he is “the one,” or he is “out,” meaning I must break up with him immediately.  If I choose to live in the “question mark,” however, I am standing smack dab in the middle of both these extreme options.

What, though, does it feel like to BE, to LIVE  life in the question mark?  Here’s how to experience those feelings so that you can begin to go there effortlessly when you feel yourself heading down the path of “either/or”  black and white thinking

1.  Think of  a situation or person you might typically categorize into either “bad” or “good.”

2.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself standing at a crossroads with two distinct road signs pointing in opposite directions.  One sign reads “in,” or whatever extremely positive category you choose, while the other sign reads “out,” or the opposite of the other sign.

3.  Walk towards the positive alternative — this is the road that will lead you to the “good” feelings, and then experience these positive feelings completely.  Feel into experiences, thoughts or actions that create these “good” feelings. Pause here for 30 seconds, feeling these positive feelings completely without judgement.

4.  Now, walk towards the negative alternative — the road that will lead you to the “bad” feelings.  Then, feel into the experiences, thoughts or actions that can create these “bad” feelings.  Again, pause for 30 seconds to feel into the feelings completely without judgement.

5.  Walk back to the crossroads.  How does it feel standing there, in neutral territory?  I know that for me when I stand in this place it can feel completely foreign.  I feel “out of control,” and often it’s because in the “question mark” I don’t know how I am “supposed” to feel.  It can be SO strange because in this place — in the question mark — there is no definitive answer.  It is purely the experience of simply BEING.

During my trip to Europe I put myself in the question mark often — especially when my kids were arguing or I was frustrated with The Brit.  Reflecting now, I can’t believe how often I found myself fantasizing the options or outcomes that were  the result of  choosing to see an experience as either black or white.  For example, I either want to marry The Brit tomorrow, or break up with him tonight.  I am NEVER taking my kids on a trip again, or I am planning next summer’s trip across American in an RV and hoping I can have them for 3 weeks instead of 2 1/2.  Ultimately, I was able to get to the question mark without much grief or frustration, and begin to simply experience EVERYTHING without judgement. What a joy it was to live in this beautiful yet slightly uncomfortable place!

Life in the question mark is neither black or white.  It is GREY.

Life in the question mark requires simply being. Life in the question mark means experiencing life without judgement.  Life in the question mark requires that I shift my focus from “the destination” to the journey itself.

And so it is the journey …the process… the learning…and being able to experience moments of sheer joy, frustration, or even anger… that becomes just as important as “the date,” you might go on next weekend, as seeing the Eiffel Tower, walking by the Thames, or viewing Michaelangelo’s  ”The David” in all it’s magnificence.

Let go of “perfect,” check out GREY today and see what life is like when it’s YOUR Fall color.  I can’t wait to hear how it goes…

P.S. If you have a tendency towards “black or white” thinking and are curious what other limiting thoughts, beliefs and actions might be stifling your love life, make sure to take the “D-Factor” Date-ability Assessment ASAP and work with me directly to create YOUR plan for change now!

I was thinking about holidays yesterday, and how the men I dated  in the past influenced my experience of Fourth of July.  There was the “Big Breakup” guy who told me, point blank, on July 4th, that he wanted to cancel plans because he “wanted to hang with his friends, drink some beers, play pool and chill.  He then said that I should ‘get it,’ intimating my disappointment was inappropriate.  He also told me I was being”needy” when I retorted to his change of plans, claiming, “Most guys wanna spend time with their girlfriends on the Fourth of July.”  He wouldn’t buy it, however, and the rejection sent me into a downward spiral that lasted the entire night.  Sure, I went to watch the fireworks with a girlfriend, but I remember feeling acutely sad, embarrassed in that fact that my “man” had no desire to smootch me during fireworks, and very, very hurt.

After moving on from “Big Breakup” guy, I begin to grow and change significantly.  I did personal work, shifted energy and as a result met a guy I adored.  He was very much “into” me when we began dating, and it was with him that I first realized that when it came to sharing a bed with someone and waking up in “his space,” I would get a case of  the “heebie jeebies.”  The second the lights went out, teeth brushed, and cuddle time over, I wanted to BOLT.  Yep, I didn’t like one thing about the sleepover.  I remember thinking, “wow, men must feel like this when they like the person they are with, but not enough to want to wake up to them the next day.”   This relationship came to an end near an event that happened, coincidently, around the Fourth of July.  Just prior to sunset, SleepOver Guy told me he wanted to leave the party, and call it a night.  He had to wake up early for work, he said.  ”Ugh,” I thought.  This sucks. Another ding in my Fourth of July memory bank.  I was disappointed, as I wanted desperately to have the romantic kiss with him.  I had pictured it perfectly the entire evening, envisioning him leaning over the balcony at my friends home, kissing me underneath a blazing sky filled with reds, whites and blues.

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I celebrated my birthday yesterday.  I turned 44.  And while it was “my day,” it was also one day in a string of many that have included a flurry of graduation celebrations (two of my kids graduated and are attending new schools in the fall), the birthday of my “baby” who turned eight, organizing a trip for seven to Europe, and launching a new part of my business. All glorious things which are the fruits of the creating the life I love — fruits which bring love, as well as stress and responsibilities.

Last night, when I came home in between dropping my teenager at her graaduation party, changing clothes, grabbing the “presents” and heading back to the Pacific Palisades for dinner with my dad, his wife, my step-sister, boyfriend and kids, I walked into the kitchen to find an array of incredible flower arrangements and a package of chocolate covered strawberries — all sent to me by incredible friends, clients and coworkers.  ”Holy Wow,” I thought, almost in tears.

How many years had I only “wished” someone, just even one person, would send me flowers, unappreciative of what I had received or too numb to even notice.

How many years had I built up expectations of what a birthday celebration “should” look like, imagining how my kids were supposed to act?  Frustrated by my former husband and lovers, thinking the plans they made should be better, or different.  Often times I settled, often times I was living in a fantasy, and other times I was simply so disconnected I spent most of the day lost in my thoughts, trapped in my head.

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If Valentine’s Day were a person I would be defending her, taking her to lunch to help “pump” her up, and unabashedly wondering why people are avoiding her at all costs.  I mean, geez, she’s just a pink and red Hallmark holiday moment. She doesn’t smell.  Dress weird, or have bad breath.

It seems the truth is, or at least what seems like the truth based on all the email blasts I have been getting from love coaches in the last few days, is that if you are single on this holiday then you should accordingly be depressed, sad, hopeless and bitter.  You should need to take a class to feel better, be mad that the guy you have been casually dating hasn’t “stepped up” to the plate.  If you are in a relationship, you should feel “bad” for putting pressure on your beloved to show up with a bit of romance on Sunday.  In fact, one email I got said that she and her partner were “boycotting” Valentine’s Day because they show love towards one another daily.

STOP the presses.  REALLY, now.  Does Valentine’s Day deserve to be trashed?

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I know, this is a random title for a blog on a dating and relationship website, right?  But, not really.  And here is why:  I went to an incredible seminar this past weekend featuring some of the old-school big wigs in New Thought motivational speaking.  Michael Beckwith, Les Brown, Mary Morrissey and Bob Proctor were all there sharing their wisdom to help people to move past their fears into creating a life they truly love.

Now, next door to this hotel ballroom near the airport (of course, these things are always at hotels near airports, aren’t they?!)  was yet another conference — it was called something like Accelerated Real Estate Marketing.  The name doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that is was PACKED, and the name of the conference was, “The Quick And Easy Way to Get Rich.”  As I walked to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but observe the people  in the hallway, and then I heard a man’s voice, shouting some sort of countdown.  ”7…6….5.”  What was this?  People began to pour from the ballroom into the hallway, pushing their way to the back tables set up with men, computers and brochures.  Clearly, I had to go inside to check it out. What was he selling?  The voice continued, booming through the microphone.

“The first 100 people to make it back to the tables before I get to the number ONE will receive 50% off…Will it be you? Who of you…who is serious enough…who is committed… to take advantage of this incredible opportunity to get rich quick?!”

Holy wow, I thought.  As the man continued his countdown, nearing the number ONE, people began to run from their seats, pushing past chairs, haphazardly careening past those who had chosen to simply walk.  It was incredible.  Did these people really believe that this organization could help them to acquire tremendous wealth with ease? Here I had been sitting in the room next door listening to the New Thought Gurus tell people that thinking “inside the box” was limiting their ability to be successful, while this man was calling them to action.  He had, I’m sure, spent the hour prior to the sales pitch giving his own version of “believe in yourself,” and now he had managed to inspire (or brainwash?) people to run to pay money and invest in their belief.

Who was right?  The Gurus?  The Salesman?

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I’m back from Maui, and spent yesterday planning for 2010 with my team. While that’s all fabulous and exciting, I also want to reflect on my vacation, and the state of mind I had which enabled ideas to flow freely, love to grow and compassion to deepen. In looking more carefully at this, I realized I had a certain routine while on vacation which enabled me to access deeper parts of myself; A routine in which I took care of myself.  Ahh — back to the concept of self care, – and an expansion of the Self-Care Bootcamp I began in the end of 2009. So, what did I do in Maui?

1. Daily exercise: Ok, here’s the truth.  I didn’t do one hour of killer cardio on the stairmaster, run 6 miles every day or lift weights 4 times per week.  I did 30 minutes on a stationary bike, while reading a novel or listening to empowering, motivating audio discs. Hardly hard core.  Sometimes, after 15 minutes, I transferred to the elliptical machine.  I never stayed more than 40 minutes in the gym.  Ever.  During my official 6-week Self Care Boot Camp I took the advice of a long-time friend who is a personal trainer which was this:  ”Less is More.”  I cut back on power yoga.  Cut back on lifting weights.  Started walking with a friend, stopped running stairs.  As a recovering exercise bulemic who didn’t used to consider the 60 minute spin classes I taught five times per week as my exercise for the day, I have come far.  Some days, I skipped the gym entirely. Other days, I went for a long walk with my dad.  And one day, I decided to explore a new part of the beach path and went for a run/walk.  I tried to surf, pushed past my fear of choppy waves and snorkeled with my kids.

2.  Daily quiet time to reflect: Part of the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifesting Love includes developing a connection to the still, quiet voice inside.  I call it “spirit.”  Others call is a Higher Power, the Universe or God.  As part of my daily routine while on vacation I took time to listen to reflective audio tapes, read important passages that connected me to spirit, or just meditated for 5 minutes or so while laying on the beach, in a hammock or near the pool.  It doesn’t mean I  sat cross-legged uttering ommmms for 40 minutes.  While I don’t get to meditate in those environments at home, this reminded me that when I take time to reflect, I connect.  This practice grounds me.  It reminds me to let go of anger, practice forgiveness daily, be compassionate and focus on the abundance that I have in my life.

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I’m still in Maui, but have been spending each morning at the gym listening to inspirational audio lessons from teachers I respect.  Today I was reflecting on an email I received from a cousin in Colorado this week, who was moved by watching the “24 Hour Power Thought Challenge,” I posted on the site last Sunday.  She was moved not to change thoughts regarding someone in her immediate family or a friend, but regarding thoughts and feelings she was having towards me.  In truth, she was pissed, hurt and felt neglected. And guess what?  The reasons she cited for feeling hurt were rational, accurate and completely true.  I had neglected to call her when her mother was ill and then when she ultimately died in September I didn’t send a card.  I had been aware her family was going through this tragic loss from other family members, yet because she lives in another state, we don’t communicate regularly and I was in the midst of my  life, I completely ignored or put off the small voice in my head that occasionally reminded me to write or call her.

I made a mistake.

Ugh.  I’m supposed to be better than this.  How could I have done such a thoughtless thing?  And then I began to think further.  What other mistakes have I made this year?  And more importantly, how can I change these behaviors and begin to let those mistakes take me to a higher place of being in 2010?  In fact, I realize, these mistakes are opportunities to grow, become a better person.  I can become more compassionate.  Learn to stop ignoring the small voice.  I can change, shift, transform, and learn.

I have been keeping a journal while I’ve been here containing thoughts and ideas for 2010.  Things I want to do.  Places I want to go, and goals I would like to achieve.  And as a result, I have decided to become a better at communicating with family.  I am going to send more notes.  I am going to forgive myself for mistakes made, and put writing condolence and thank you notes higher on “my list” to do list.  I am going to send birthday greetings, and send more gifts.  I am going to practice what I teach — make my words and actions match.

What is on your list?  Take out a small notebook or journal this week and use it to play.  Become creative.  Imagine and dream.Use markers.  Type it.  Pull images from google.  Or simply put colors on the page. Express your self. How will you change this year?  Where will you grow?  These are not “resolutions,” per se.  Instead, they are ways in which your actions can better reflect your values in 2010.  They are actions you can begin to take which will help you become more fulfilled, happy, joyous and compassionate; Simple strategies to create the life you love.

Mine is a hero’s journey; I will not be a victim to mistakes, negative thinking or circumstance.  I will use these mistakes to take heroic leaps forward into my becoming.

Join me.  It will be a fantastic ride.

Aloha.

In recent conversations with a variety of dating and relationship gurus, matchmakers nationwide, and good ol’ fashioned humans, I have discovered that men and women are hesitant to give someone a second or third chance if they don’t have the “hots” for him or her on the first meeting.  Here’s the truth, By the end of 2009 the dating industry is expected to top $1.049 billion, and is likely to grow in 2010 at a rate of 10 percent.  What’s more, online dating sites generated 27.5 million unique visitors in June, 2009, alone.  What does this mean?  It means that people are dating.

A lot.

Men and women like you are spending money, time and energy to meet someone with whom they want to fall in love.  What’s more, it means that because there are so many people actively dating, it is easy to rule someone out within 30 seconds of meeting them.  ”Ick,” you think.  ”She’s out.  Who’s next?”  Clients tell me there was “no chemistry,” admitting that after those first thirty seconds they literally stopped engaging with the person. Stopped listening carefully, never looked the person across the table in the eye, and immediately discounted them as someone they wanted to get to know.

The result?  People are dissatisfied.  Frustrated.   Moving through dating experiences numbly, shuffling in and out of coffee shops, flipping through online profiles in disgust.

He’s in.  She’s out.

In. Out.

Go home.

Get back online.

Bad date?  Men and women consistently tell me that they get back on Match.com before they even consider making a cup of tea, watching television, or reading a book.  WOW.  It’s as if we have become so addicted to instant gratification that we have no tolerance or willingness to get  to know if someone could possibly be someone whom we could love.  I’ll admit that a person must, in fact, be attractive to you.  However, what could possibly happen if someone with whom you didn’t think “hot,” became attractive to you because you spent more time together?  Perhaps you begin to notice their sense of humor, the compassion they have for the older woman crossing the street, a cute crinkle in the crease of their eye when they smile, or the way she moved her hands when describing her favorite movie.

Let me tell you my story.  The story of Ari.  I went on six dates with Ari, however I would never have even gone on date number 1 if I wasn’t tired of living with so many “rules,” about whom I would date.  Ari was 5 foot 6 inches.  He was smart.  Good looking, funny.  And successful.   But, despite my interest in him, I kept telling myself that anyone under 5 foot 10 inches was an unacceptable partner.  Nevertheless,  I decided to date Ari, branch out. I liked him, but at 5 foot 7 inches, it felt odd to be so much taller then my date.  Hugging him, I felt huge.  A giantess.  Returning home after the second date,  I pondered.  I dug deeply.  I liked him, but why wasn’t I attracted to him?  It was then that I realized it was an issue — an issue I had buried somewhere between 7th and 8th grade; the summer I grew from 5 foot 1 inches to 5 foot 7 inches.  There, walking the halls of my middle school with boys named Cory, Craig and Eric, boys who were barely five foot tall, I decided tall was “not pretty.”  The voice in my head — the inner critic — shouted it loudly.

“You are too tall.  Too big.  And boys do not like girls who are too big.”

Yikes.  I was shocked, horrified to relive those feelings I had while I was a student at Franklin Junior High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  And then, I realized the truth.   Tall is sexy.  Plenty of men like taller women.  Hmmmm, I thought.  Could I reframe this whole thing, imagine that it was incredibly sexy to be taller than Ari?  I decided to try, agreeing to date number 3.

Date number 3 rocked.  I had fun.  I laughed.  I even wore heels, relishing in the fun of this new frame of mind.  While Ari ended up being someone who was ultimately “not a match,” I enjoyed getting to know him.  Woot!  Woot!  I did it!  I busted through my limiting beliefs to rule Ari “in!”  Imagine the possibilities, I thought,  if I continued to expand my horizons and begin to think of ways to rule men “in,” instead of quickly judging them as “out,” within seconds of saying hello.

Most of the dating experts, including me, recommend a three-date minimum before you decide it’s “not a match.”  Challenge yourself.  And then let me know what happens once you begin to rely on more than the “Lust-O-Meter” to decide if someone is worth seeing again.

It seems that letting go of a relationship, especially when the person meets 75% -80% of your needs, is a challenge.  Men and women constantly ask me what is the “right” way to break up?  Should they have “break-up” sex, can they be just  ”friends,” should they talk on the phone regularly?  Or, should they just sever ties  –  make a clean break?  While I have specific advice on this topic, be assured that I have had vast experience with breaking up.  Prior to doing the work I did in creating the Dating With Dignity 10-Steps to Manifesting Love  I had a horrific time letting go of a relationship with a man who wasn’t a match.  In fact, he wasn’t someone who ultimately made me feel good about myself.  However, the hope and promise of what it might be  – if he changed — kept me coming back for more.  I hoped.  I prayed. And, while I tried desperately to be “just friends,” I was so completely attracted to him that it was hard not to think about connecting with him physically.  I tried clean breaks too, but during those periods he would send emails, call or just reach out telling me he missed me, and wanted just to talk.  These messages hit my weakest spots, making me  temporarily feel worthy, loveable and wanted.  Of course, even after weeks of  successfully not talking, I acquiesced and made contact.  The bottom line?  It took me more than 18 months to let go of a relationship that should have ended just six months after it began.  During this” on and off again” period I mourned, tried to date other people, and went out with friends.  Mostly, though, I pined for him, dreaming that “one day,” he would recognize my awesome-ness and come back begging to be with me.  What was most sad about being in this limbo state of being for me, was the fact that during this time I never focused on how I had been treated poorly, accepting merely crumbs, or why we weren’t a match because of differing values.  Yes, he was good looking.  We had incredible chemistry. I adored his kids.  But still, he wasn’t what I deserved.  To say we had “break up” sex at least one-half dozen times might be accurate, it could have been more.  I was lost.  Drowning in false promises.  Hope.  And pretending that he was the soul mate I might never find again.

Now, back to reality.

The truth is, this break up was horrible.  I could have saved myself pain, tears and months of agonizing heartbreak if I had lived in reality.  I could have moved on more quickly, creating space to meet someone new if only I had not waited to do the work I ultimately did to find self love, date with intention, and create a life I loved.  Fast forward 18 months later, and behold, I had become a dignity-dater looking to make a move forward.  As a result, I landed in a nice relationship with a man who lived outside of Los Angeles where I live.  We dated for three months.  He was an excellent communicator, passionate and we had the same spiritual sense of being.  Nevertheless, he was NOT a match.  While on a trip together, I realized that while I thought this man an incredible person, he would never be the person with whom I could partner.  That said, I had to have the “it’s not a match,” conversation.  I loved him.  He was sweet, and had been there for me when my mother was very sick, dying from cancer.  Nevertheless, we agreed that while love is necessary, it is NOT sufficient.  This, my friends, was a clean break.  I missed him terribly the first week.  After all, suddenly there was nobody to talk to while driving to work, not a soul who cared that I had gone to the grocery store to buy chicken and ended up with chocolate.  There was nobody to say goodnight to before my head hit the pillow.  And there was nobody who would stand beside me at my mother’s funeral.  Bottom line?  Yes, it was hard. It was uncomfortable.  And, quite frankly, it hurt.  But, I knew that if my patience and wounded heart could withstand the test of time, if I took comfort in my friends, hobbies and the incredible life I had created, I would not only survive but thrive.

So…. is there such as think as a clean break? Yes.  And no.  I value the break-up conversations.  I even value break-up sex.  The problem becomes when breaking up is so dramatic, poetic and perfect that it leads to nothing less than shear  fantasy.  It leads to what if’s?  What could have been?  And, if only.  The challenge becomes when breaking up leads to making up, breaking up again, and then once again, a dramatic reunion which results in fantastical sex and connection.  This, my friends, is one hell of an unfulfilling, no-win romantic rut.

When you decide “it’s not a match,” decide for good.  Decide for you.  Decide to save yourself time.  Energy, and sadness.  Move forward so that you can begin to create a life you love.  It will be worth it, I promise.  :)

Happy Turkey Day Dignity Daters!  I’m sure most of you are knee deep in stuffing right now, while others might already be in the post-tryptophan coma!  Me?  I just finished baking up some yams in honor of my mom’s renowned  Thanksgiving recipe.  I woke up this morning totally missing my mom, who died 14 months ago after a heroic battle with lung cancer.  I had a dream last night in which she turned up, “not dead,” and we were driving around Arizona (the place  my parents lived for the past 15 years) looking for a place to stay.  In the dream I kept suggesting to go to her friends’ homes, but she insisted they had adjusted to her being gone so we should not “freak them out” by turning up.  Weird, right?  Thing is, I miss my mom.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  But the truth is that today while I was baking yams I wished I had spent more time cooking with her, instead of going for the long run, reading in my bedroom, or watching football with the gang.

What, you ask, what the heck does this have to do with dating?  Or relationships?  Or dignity?

Well, here’s the bridge — today I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, Jem, but woke up in a funk.  I felt  sad that I didn’t wake to the aroma of pies baking in the oven, the smells of cinnamon and spice flicking yum throughout the rooms of my house, and that the only noise I heard was the intense quiet that resonates when the kids are at their dad’s house. It felt like a knife had sliced open my gut.  Top it off, my British boyfriend doesn’t really “get” this holiday (yet) and had rushed off first thing to wash his car, grab coffee and run errands.(he literally had no idea every shop in Santa Monica and Venice would be closed for the holiday). While I knew we were ultimately heading to my ex-husband’s house  to have the  traditional Thanksgiving holiday meal with my three daughters and friends, I just couldn’t shake the funk.

In an effort to un-funk myself, I went for a run, did the “stairs” in Mar Vista and listened to some amazing audio from a CD series I listen to regularly entitled, “The Dream Builder,” written my Mary Morrissey. (click on this link to get Mary’s incredible dream builder kit for free —  be assured there is no commission for me — I just want to share this incredible resource).  In this CD, Mary discusses  how for most of us it’s quite easy to be grateful “for” things in our life when life is good.  During Thanksgiving, we rush to update our Facebook status declaring gratitude for family, friends, love and life.  Easy.  Right?  Yet, when life turns dark, things sorta suck, and it seems like we are so desperately alone, it becomes difficult to muster up anything that resembles gratitude.  Mary presents the concept of having gratitude “in” things (vs. “for” things), which involves the ability to find gratitude in any situation we find ourselves.  This, says Mary Morrissey, is the ultimate human freedom — the freedom to choose.  The freedom to choose to have gratitude even though life is giving us lemons.

Cut back to Thanksgiving, the dream about mom, and Jem.  Well, after running, sweating and thinking, I ultimately remembered whether to “funk,” or “un-funk” was my choice.  The challenge became then, how would  I un-funk to find gratitude in this odd Thanksgiving, even though I felt sad.  I remembered the great times I did have with my mom, setting the Thanksgiving table, baking pies with my kids. and witnessing her grace and incredible culinary aptitude cooking for crowds that would often exceed 30 people. Jem said that in some ways my dream had allowed me to be with my mom, because it felt so damn real.  And then, I told Jem that  I had figured out that when it comes to holidays, in truth, our cultural differences, need to be addressed.  In the future, I need to state my expectations for American holidays up front.  He’s never had Thanksgiving before (his ex-wife was British), so I need to understand that someone who didn’t grow up watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, watching football, and cooking all day with his family would have NO idea whatsoever that this is America’s favorite holiday.  And, as a huge family person, I explained to him that spending time together before dinner with the kids  had been paramount to my having a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.  Ahhh.  Sigh.  I took action.  I spoke my truth.  I listened, asking for help.  I moved from funkful victim thinking to self-awareness,  curiosity, and then forgiveness of myself, Jem and for my mom who went and “got” cancer.

Hmmm.  It was my choice how this holiday would be for me.  I chose to unfunk.  I chose to be grateful in being alive.  In knowing that even when life gives it’s proverbial lemons, it presents an opportunity to create lemonade.

The yams are done.  I went and made the kind with marshmallows too, even though I was asked to bring the marshmallow-free variety.  My house now smells like Thanksgiving.  Jem put on Vivaldi.  My daughter just texted me, to tell me it’s black Friday tomorrow.  Two of the butterflies, who have been metamorphasizing in my 7 year old daughter’s room, have broken free of their chrysalids today.  And my boyfriend is talking to his sister in Australia via Ichat.   She is doing paperwork, completely unaware that today is America’s favorite holiday.  Ahhh.. the foreigners

I love my life.

I am blessed in the choices I have made.

And I am officially declaring myself  ”un-funked.”

Happy Thanksgiving.

Gratitude and blessings to all of you!