Dating With Dignity

It was a very interesting tele-class last night in which  Chyrstal Bougon, Founder of Blissconnection.com, revealed practical tips and techniques to have better sex with your partner.  You can download the link now to listen to the class, but I want to write today to express this: While the places to touch, kiss and lick your partner are VERY important, one of the most important lessons we discussed on this call is the importance of communication.

To begin, “The Rule of 60—Days, That Is,” (One of the Dating With Dignity Foundation Principles which suggests that you wait at least 60 days until you have intercourse with someone whom you want to build a long-term relationship), requires that a couple discuss sex  as things naturally progress on the way to a possible exclusive relationship.  I received several questions from listeners with questions regarding this very topic; is it, in fact, ok to tell someone you want to wait to have sex?  Or, conversely, do you “play coy,” as one listener asked, hoping to put off a direct conversation in lieu of hoping for a quick get-away at the end of each date.

The answer is simple:  Communicate!  Ditch the “cool girl” mentality and state your values confidently.  Be self assured when telling your potential lover that you are not someone who has sex casually, and that when, and if, you do decide to have sex it will be when you feel the relationship meets your expectations.  Here’s a few important guidelines to ensure this conversation effectively communicates your position:

1.  Make sure you have  conversations regarding the decision to have sex vertical AND clothed. Many Dignity Daters have heard me tell the story of Aaron, who was asked by Lucia, a woman he had dated twice, if having sex with him meant he was now “her boyfriend.”  The icing on the cake?  Lucia asked Aaron this question while they were in bed, naked, his expression masked by ecstasy as he hovered just inches above her, moments before he was to “seal the deal.”  His response?  ”Of course,” Aaron whispered, consummating the relationship effortlessly.  Needless to say, Aaron never saw Lucia again.  While Lucia clearly picked an inopportune time to ask Aaron this question, what’s more important to note is that she did have an expectation associated with intercourse.  She didn’t communicate this expectation.  Ever.  Make sure  you discuss sex, your expectations, and your relationship goals.  And yes, make sure you are wearing clothes.

2.  Be direct. There is no time in a relationship to play games, withhold sex as an expression of your power, or manipulate your partner in regards to the decision.  Instead, communicate why it is important for you to wait.  In addition, be clear that while you do not want to have intercourse until you have a commitment (if this is your relationship goal), ensure your partner that you are open to exploring other possibilities for sexual gratification as the relationship progresses.  Making these choices is done together, further providing opportunities to communicate with one another.

3.  Find new ways to make him hot! As you “Data-Date” (collect new data about the person as you get to know them) create opportunities to have fun together.  Flirt.  Explore  ways to be sexy, sensual and passionate.  Kiss often!   Hold hands, exploring the small spaces between his  fingers, investigate the place where the base of her hair meets her neck.  Notice his eyes.  Relish the moments together, enjoying this process of slowly beginning to know someone in an intimate way.

Remember this — Live a life of purpose, passion and self awareness as you date with dignity.  Each moment describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide if that’s who you want to be.

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!

It seems that letting go of a relationship, especially when the person meets 75% -80% of your needs, is a challenge.  Men and women constantly ask me what is the “right” way to break up?  Should they have “break-up” sex, can they be just  ”friends,” should they talk on the phone regularly?  Or, should they just sever ties  –  make a clean break?  While I have specific advice on this topic, be assured that I have had vast experience with breaking up.  Prior to doing the work I did in creating the Dating With Dignity 10-Steps to Manifesting Love  I had a horrific time letting go of a relationship with a man who wasn’t a match.  In fact, he wasn’t someone who ultimately made me feel good about myself.  However, the hope and promise of what it might be  – if he changed — kept me coming back for more.  I hoped.  I prayed. And, while I tried desperately to be “just friends,” I was so completely attracted to him that it was hard not to think about connecting with him physically.  I tried clean breaks too, but during those periods he would send emails, call or just reach out telling me he missed me, and wanted just to talk.  These messages hit my weakest spots, making me  temporarily feel worthy, loveable and wanted.  Of course, even after weeks of  successfully not talking, I acquiesced and made contact.  The bottom line?  It took me more than 18 months to let go of a relationship that should have ended just six months after it began.  During this” on and off again” period I mourned, tried to date other people, and went out with friends.  Mostly, though, I pined for him, dreaming that “one day,” he would recognize my awesome-ness and come back begging to be with me.  What was most sad about being in this limbo state of being for me, was the fact that during this time I never focused on how I had been treated poorly, accepting merely crumbs, or why we weren’t a match because of differing values.  Yes, he was good looking.  We had incredible chemistry. I adored his kids.  But still, he wasn’t what I deserved.  To say we had “break up” sex at least one-half dozen times might be accurate, it could have been more.  I was lost.  Drowning in false promises.  Hope.  And pretending that he was the soul mate I might never find again.

Now, back to reality.

The truth is, this break up was horrible.  I could have saved myself pain, tears and months of agonizing heartbreak if I had lived in reality.  I could have moved on more quickly, creating space to meet someone new if only I had not waited to do the work I ultimately did to find self love, date with intention, and create a life I loved.  Fast forward 18 months later, and behold, I had become a dignity-dater looking to make a move forward.  As a result, I landed in a nice relationship with a man who lived outside of Los Angeles where I live.  We dated for three months.  He was an excellent communicator, passionate and we had the same spiritual sense of being.  Nevertheless, he was NOT a match.  While on a trip together, I realized that while I thought this man an incredible person, he would never be the person with whom I could partner.  That said, I had to have the “it’s not a match,” conversation.  I loved him.  He was sweet, and had been there for me when my mother was very sick, dying from cancer.  Nevertheless, we agreed that while love is necessary, it is NOT sufficient.  This, my friends, was a clean break.  I missed him terribly the first week.  After all, suddenly there was nobody to talk to while driving to work, not a soul who cared that I had gone to the grocery store to buy chicken and ended up with chocolate.  There was nobody to say goodnight to before my head hit the pillow.  And there was nobody who would stand beside me at my mother’s funeral.  Bottom line?  Yes, it was hard. It was uncomfortable.  And, quite frankly, it hurt.  But, I knew that if my patience and wounded heart could withstand the test of time, if I took comfort in my friends, hobbies and the incredible life I had created, I would not only survive but thrive.

So…. is there such as think as a clean break? Yes.  And no.  I value the break-up conversations.  I even value break-up sex.  The problem becomes when breaking up is so dramatic, poetic and perfect that it leads to nothing less than shear  fantasy.  It leads to what if’s?  What could have been?  And, if only.  The challenge becomes when breaking up leads to making up, breaking up again, and then once again, a dramatic reunion which results in fantastical sex and connection.  This, my friends, is one hell of an unfulfilling, no-win romantic rut.

When you decide “it’s not a match,” decide for good.  Decide for you.  Decide to save yourself time.  Energy, and sadness.  Move forward so that you can begin to create a life you love.  It will be worth it, I promise.  :)

It was a weekend filled with many questions from clients and DWD fans, and I would love to have Mondays be my official Q and A day.  So, if you have a question, shoot me an email at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will begin to answer them on Mondays.  Here are two to get us started!

Question #1: Is there a way to sleep with a man, and keep your dignity? To answer this question thoroughly requires that you have an awareness about a few of the  Dating With Dignity Tools, and how they help you date with dignity.  While an in-depth examination of this question requires time and coaching, you can begin now by asking yourself one primary question:  ”What is my relationship goal?”  When answering this question, make sure you are specific and clear.  For example. I am looking to find a man with whom I can have children and marry.  Or, I am looking for a woman who doesn’t want kids, and wants a committed relationship but does not require that we be married.  Or, I would like to have a casual, sexually exclusive relationship with someone whom I date 2-3 times per week.   Or last, I am looking to have some safe, honest fun because I know I am not ready to make a commitment.

Once you know what you are looking for, then you can begin to make discerning decisions that are in harmony with your relationship goals.  If you have a relationship goal and vision in which you are in an exclusive, committed relationship then the Dating With Dignity guideline is to adhere to “The Rule of 60–Days, that is,” meaning that you do not have intercourse with someone you are dating for a minimum of 60 days.  For the inside scoop on this, ask me for a copy of the latest Man Panel teleconference at datingwithdignity@gmail.com.  Put “MAN PANEL” in the subject line.  This recording will let you hear, first hand, why men believe women who are girlfriend material will say no when it comes to having sex.  Ultimately, however, it is ONLY you who knows what situations put you are at risk for waking up feeling that you made a bad choice.  If you are looking for a committed relationship but have an open, honest relationship with Mr. Quality Casual, and you choose to have sex with him or her, make sure you are most importantly, honest with yourself.  Can you really have “no strings attached” sex, or is too difficult for you to compartmentalize.  Again, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, my best advice is to hold out on having sex.  You will not only preserve your dignity but increase the chances that Mr. Right will get to know and value you for WHO you are, not what you “put out.”

Question #2:  What is the difference between, “just not that into me,” and “just not into a relationship?” Ultimately, you must go back to question #1 and decide what it is you are looking for. If you are looking for a relationship, know that if a man who you have been dating does not call or ask you out for the upcoming weekend (or, if you are a man, your phone call goes unreturned or she says she is busy this weekend), chances are he or she is not into having a relationship with YOU, or perhaps with anyone at this time.  The bottom line is this:  stop wondering why he or she didn’t call, and begin to recognize that by saying no to these type of men and women you are creating space in your life; space in which there is now room for someone who is INTO YOU, and into a having a relationship to come into your life.

By Angelica Martin, Dating With Dignity Marketing Assistant

It’s complicated.

Who hasn’t uttered those two words when confronted with the realization that the perfect man you’ve been dating, with whom you share an intense connection, may not be showing up.

Of course, he’s there. He’s texting, calling you baby, sleeping with you, and maybe even cooking you dinner. You fall asleep in each other’s arms, and you blissfully leave the next morning, more confident than ever in the direction your relationship is heading.

But that’s Tuesday. By Wednesday, he needs to withdraw. By Saturday, your stomach is in knots, wondering where he is and why he hasn’t contacted you. You replay Tuesday’s date over and over again in your mind, looking for some sign, something that you may have missed. Just when you’ve gone over all possible explanations with your girlfriends, and wisely ignored their advice to, “just call him and say hey,” your text message alert goes off:

I miss you.

This may or may not be past 9:00 at night, and more often than not it is past midnight. A smile spreads across your lips, your heart swells, and you scold yourself for being so dramatic. He misses you–he just needed some time. All is right with the world.

Until next week, that is, because this is the pattern. These high-charged shifts between being emotionally available and then withdrawing back into his own little world leave you in a constant state of confused limbo, analyzing what you should or could do to revive Tuesday’s bliss. When a few brave friends question you about his disappearing acts, you respond with:

It’s complicated.

Girl, it is not complicated. This man, this perfect man, for whatever reason, is not in this and probably never was. We can’t do this to ourselves anymore. We can’t pretend we are in relationships with men that are not showing up.

The right person is not enigmatic. The right person shows up, literally and figuratively. The right person calls when he says he’s going to call, and you honestly aren’t left wondering if he will or he won’t. Because he always does. And you will never, ever, have to say, “it’s complicated” with the right person. Because guess what? It’s never complicated. It either is, or it isn’t.

Have you seen the movie that is currently in release called, “The Invention of Lying?” I saw it last week with Jem and, coincidently, the question of honesty, and “what is the truth,” has been coming up for many Dating With Dignity clients. How honest should you be? Should you disclose everything? If so, when? When it’s “not a match,” should you tell why?

First off, most men and women will say that they want a partner who is honest. In fact, when my clients are creating lists of values they hold as important for themselves and others, honesty ranks in the top five of “must-have’s.” In digging deeper, we typically discuss what honesty looks like to them. Yes, while it seems obvious that honesty is not up for discussion or debate, there are certain situations we discuss in which it might not be necessary or appropriate to tell the absolute truth.

1. How many lovers have you had in the past? When it comes to kiss and tell, discussing your past is not necessary. The past is done, and for most of us it bares no reflection of who we have are now. If you feel that you must know about your partner’s sexual past, ask yourself why it is important? Do you hold judgements that impact your ability to see a potential partner for who they are now? Or, are you holding on to shame or labels from your past? If so, are you projecting these feelings you have about yourself onto someone else? To be a successful dater, you must ensure you don’t bring your past into the present by unconsciously treating someone new as if he or she were all the “bad” men and/or women from your past. If you feel you must know, do not bring up the subject for at least six months into your relationship. This way, both of you know each other quite well and will be able to put information from the past into proper context.

2. When do I discuss STDs? If you have an STD, it is important that you are honest with your partner, when it becomes appropriate and necessary to discuss these issues. Clearly, the topic of sexually transmitted disease is not first date fodder. In fact, do not discuss STD’s until you are dating someone and both of you have agreed that the relationship holds potential for becoming monogamous. Make sure you have this conversation vertical and clothed. It is not something best brought up or discussed in the heat of passion.

3. Are you dating other people? In the 21st century both men and women are dating, a lot. The internet, especially, has made it quite easy for both sexes to have multiple dates in one week. What happens, then, when there is someone with whom you have a connection and want to explore the possibility of relationship. When, if ever, do you let him or her know that you are still dating other people? If you begin to date this person consistently, he or she is someone with whom you would like to continue dating because there is long-term potential, and choose to have sex with him or her, the Dating With Dignity point of view is to make it clear (explicit) that you are still dating other people (if this is true). Typically, men may make the assumption a woman is not sleeping with others if she is having sex with him. If you are a man, and are still dating other people while dating this person, you must be honest, treat her with respect, and enable her to make an informed choice about how she wants to be in the relationship. Perhaps she won’t want to have sex with you if you are still dating others, regardless of whether or not you are having sex with any of the other people you are dating. You do not want this person to mistakenly assume that because you are intimate with each other you are no longer dating other people. Many women will assume that if they have been dating a man consistently and then choose to become intimate, the man is going to be exclusive. None of these assumptions can be made without having an honest discussion, preferably prior to having sex. Again, have this conversation while standing vertically and clothed.

4. If it’s not a match, should you make up an excuse as to why you don’t want to see this person again? Using the words, “it’s not a match,” is a powerful way to politely disengage from someone with whom you are not interested in dating. Lying, neglect, or choosing to ignore phone calls and text messages are not appropriate if you are dating with dignity. If you are looking for someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then don’t play games. As one of the Dating With Dignity Man Panelists stated recently, “If you play games, then you leave us no choice but to do the same.” This holds true for both men and women. It’s the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” As you know, there is nothing worse then wondering why someone didn’t call when they said they would, questioning why he or she flakes repeatedly, or basing your expectations of a relationship’s potential based on false hopes or impressions. Be honest. Tell him or her that it’s not a match, and then create space for someone else to come into your life.

One of the most alluring, yet dangerous MANimals to date is the Hunter. The Hunter is attractive, could “look good on paper” and can turn on the charm without hesitation. What’s more, he is a master at enticing women into the Faux Relationship. A Faux Relationship is one in which The Hunter receives girlfriend privileges, such as companionship, sex and Geisha-Girl type services without having to make a commitment.

If you find yourself dating a Hunter, you may:
1. occasionally cook him dinner, bring him his favorite coffee. or pick up take-out while he watches Monday Night Football (Geisha Girl Behaviors) The Hunter rarely, if ever, reciprocates.
2. believe that you can change his behaviors, even though he has no desire to change.
3. accept crumbs, believing that tiny morsels of attention are enough because he claims he is “busy,” “has lots of friends,” or is “temporarily short on cash.”
4. inherently believe that you are “different,” or “special,” which will ultimately result in the Hunter joyfully abandoning his commitment to singledom once he “comes ’round” to this realization.

One of the biggest signs you are dating a Hunter is that he will issue a Disclaimer once you have had sex, if not before. The Disclaimer conversation may look something like this:

Hunter: “I really like you Sue. You are one of the most amazing women I have met.”

Sue: “You’re amazing…this is amazing.” She looks deeply into his eyes, inciting panic in the Hunter

Hunter: He pulls back, returning her gaze. “It’s just, right now is not the time for me to be in a relationship. I’m focused on my career.” (insert any reason here including just took new job, ended previous relationship, moved to new apartment etc.)

Sue: “It’s cool. It’s fine.” She smiles, kissing him. (This is where Sue believes once he gets to know how amazing she is, Hunter will become ready to be in a relationship with her.)

Last, you can be sure you are engaging with a Hunter if the dating process like this:

1. The Hunter mostly asks you out via text, email or IM. He rarely calls “just to chat.”
2. He rarely invites you on a date in advance. Most often, dates do not occur on weekends. Late night calls on weekends are frequent.
3. He will spend time with you, after he spends time with friends. As a result, he may not see you before 10 pm.
4. Dates frequently consist of “hanging out,” watching movies etc. Ultimately, for obvious reasons, the Hunter wants you to come to his apartment rather than go out.

Throughout this dating experience, you may feel like you are on an exciting, dangerous Safari adventure. The Faux Relationship provides adventure, big ups, and lows that are dramatic. Just when you’ve had enough, however, the Hunter will reel you in. He will be charming, dole out more crumbs, take you on a lovely date, and declare that you, in fact, are special. The Hunter is adept at knowing when he must act the role of boyfriend in order to keep you near his cave.

Take note Dignity Daters. The Hunter, however, is NOT a jerk.

He has been honest, issued the disclaimer and made no promises to change. It is you who has agreed to accept crumbs. If your long-term relationship goal is to be involved in a committed, monogamous relationship, sever ties with The Hunter. Take responsibility for doing what is necessary to create space for a man who has similar goals to come into your life.