Dating With Dignity

It’s amazing to me that one of the biggest frustrations I hear from women I meet is that men don’t do “what they want” them to do. They text too much,  are not on time, come on too strong, are too nice, too busy or don’t call at all.

Geez, is it really the men who are all wrong?  In even making the list above I realize that while there are plenty of men who have not yet completely MANvolved into Mr. Boyfriend Material, is it really their “fault” they are not meeting your needs?  To make things trickier, when I ask women what they need or want, many can not articulate exactly what they are looking for.  That said, imagine if you knew the following:

1.  What you want in a partner — exactly.  (And I am talking deeper than dark hair, tall and financially successful)

2.  How to effectively communicate your needs and expectations in a way which vets out those who are not a match, without having to be a bitch, brash or judgemental.

3.  Simple ways to set boundaries so that you can allow the possibility of a relationship to unfold, before you automatically delete him from your phone.

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I am so excited to launch into answering questions we have been receiving via email and Facebook so that you can understand how to Break Free from your Romantic Rut and find partnership, love of self and a partner, as well as peace and confidence!

For those of you who are new to Dating With Dignity, let me give you a brief orientation on our philosophy regarding how to be in a successful relationship.

One of the first steps I believe you must take to being truly “ready” to be in a healthy, interdependent relationship (I’m talking about emotionally ready, not just ready in your intellect,  because your biological clock is ticking, your parents are “worried” about you, or your kids are finally more independent) is to take a deep look at what your typical dating and relationship patterns may be. It’s not that we want to dig into the past, therapy style, but more importantly for this work, simply be brave enough to recognize the following:

1.  What are my typical dating patterns (who do I usually attract, how do I “feel” in relationship, how do my relationships end?)

2.  What are the beliefs I have about relationship, my self, love, commitment, and men.  Do these beliefs limit me?  Do I have assumptions that those things that have happened in my past (e.g., I was left, cheated on, hurt, burned, objectified etc) will happen in the future?

3. Am I willing to look at how these beliefs have held me hostage, and am I ready to do the work necessary to move through them so that I can ultimately attract a partner who loves me not only in word, but via his actions OVER TIME?

Let’s use one of the brave questions I received recently as an example:

“I’m 59 and have been dating a guy for 18 months.  He has been married three times and he’s scared to death.  It’s like we were made for each other. H e does exhibit signs of what I know is true…that he is the child of an alcoholic parent…so he enjoys his alone time.  (I  mean he goes into a cave like setting when he needs to be alone.)  What can I do to help him?  Should I join Alanon just to learn?  We’re in love and we have no doubts about that, but when he does this I FEEL all alone.”  – C

Here we go…

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Often women meet men to whom they are attracted, yet seem to “freeze” when the man shows he is interested.  It’s not that she doesn’t know how to flirt, she has done her “flirt” thing effectively, but when, in fact, Mr. Available moves forward and reciprocates, she feels awkward, uncomfortable and confused.

There are a variety of possible feelings to consider that maybe be at the cause of the “freeze” including:

1.  The Limiting Belief that he wants her “only for sex,” which causes her to pull-away and activates any residual baggage regarding men, her worth or her inability to say, “no.”

2.  The fear that she will now have to keep him interested, and she is unsure or lacks confidence on her ability to be successful.

3.  She is filled with self doubt, and is thus too scared to explore the possibility of dating, having to set appropriate boundaries, or get engaged in something that at some point could include rejection, hurt, or failure.

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We received a variety of amazing questions last week from the 40 women in attendence during the MAN Panel event in Los Angeles. And, as many of you are unable to attend because you live in lands near and far, I wanted to take time today to share some of the answers that were given during the live event.

With that, please note that these are brief summaries of lengthy answers. The good news is that we recorded this amazing 2 ½ hour workshop and it will soon be available as a DVD you can purchase and download! If you are interested in taking advantage of the pre-production sale price ($19.99) please shoot me an email at marni@datingwithdignity.com and we will make arrangements to get it to you FIRST. Of course, once the video is complete it will be available for purchase on the site.

Ok, now on to your questions and answers…

Can you convert or change a man into one of the higher evolved MANimals? If you decide to give it a try, are you merely being “co-dependent?”

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There is no such thing as “stuck.” As you may know, at Dating With Dignity I often talk about how we get trapped by language. Here’s the good news. Try this on for size:

In truth, “stuck” is the exact, right space for me to be in, because there are lessons to learn RIGHT HERE, right NOW.

Holy wow!  Imagine my surprise when I discovered this concept a few years ago when pondering why I was unsatisfied, afraid, and confused regarding the status of my relationship with Max, a teacher I had been dating for three months from San Francisco.  Freed from thinking I was like a “truck stuck in the muck,” I invited “stuck” to really seep into my consciousness.  I’m not stuck, I decided.  In fact, this is an opportunity to grow.  This is a new place for me.  If I choose to expand; to move towards the “stuck,” I  will ultimately move closer to what I truly want.

Then, I begin to literally envision myself magnetizing new, unknown information — drawing the lessons I needed to learn from this relationship towards myself.  I asked the “still quiet voice” inside for guidance.

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It was announced today that Jerry Springer is going to be hosting his own dating show        called Baggage.  On the show, the contestants compete for a chance to win a dream date.  Sounds  harmless enough, right?

Well, here’s the catch: The suitors have to reveal all of their faults and eccentricities to their  potential date, represented by a huge suitcase each player is required to bring onstage.  Among the  first contestants: a shoplifter, a woman addicted to psychics, and a control freak.  ugh.

While the contestants chosen will be examples of extreme types of “baggage”, the show’s central  theme is one that we tackle when coaching someone to Date With Dignity.  For many, someone  else’s “baggage” is considered somewhat of a deal-breaker.  Of course, everyone has some, so the  main question becomes this: Exactly how much crap are you lugging around in that suitcase of yours?  Is it a fanny-pack, with a few broken childhood dreams inside, or an entire set with an accompanying bellhop to help you lug it around?

No matter where you fall on the baggage scale, we’ve compiled some tips to help you lighten the load:

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Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.

It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

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Happy Wednesday Dignity Daters! I am blessed to be enjoying vacation with my boyfriend, The Brit, my dad and his fiance. and my three daughters in Maui for the next several weeks.  That said, in an effort to be present with my family, I am excited to let you know that an incredible community of nationally recognized experts, Dating With Dignity fans, and Man Panelists will intermittently be contributing guest blogs while I am on vacation.  To kick things off, I would like to introduce you now to to the first of these blogs written by David Shade, nationally recognized sex and relationship expert.  David is the author of the acclaimed book, “Select Women Wisely,” and is currently writing “Select Men Wisely,” for which I am authoring one chapter.

Enjoy, happy holidays and Aloha!

After my nine year marriage ended in 1992, I was determined to find out what I had done wrong. Why did my marriage fail?
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