Dating With Dignity

Earlier this week we discussed the challenges involved in setting boundaries.  The good news is that the clients I have been working the past few days are becoming “Boundary-Setting Rock Stars!”  From not accepting inappropriate behavior and the resultant “we’re not a match chat,” to a parent lovingly telling her teenage son she loves him, but will no longer allow him to speak to her using certain words, these women are taking steps towards creating self love that is boosting their confidence, making them happy, and feeling empowered.

While all this is fabulous, the hours and days after setting the boundary can often be a grueling test of our commitment to self-care and maintaing our dignity.  Here are a few tips and scripts to ensure that when you set a boundary, you are able to enforce it with love, compassion and fierce commitment to YOU:

1.  An effective boundary is one in which YOU are in control of you, and not based on the other person changing his/her behavior. Quite simply, it is not a boundary if you can not enforce it.  For example, if you no longer want to receive text messages or phone calls after ten pm, you would simply ask the man who is calling after 10 to not call you after this time, and then gently let him know you will no longer accept his calls.  Then, of course, you must follow through on your commitment.  Often, when someone is on the receiving end of a boundary they will test you to see if you are sincere. (See number 3 below.)

2.  Be clear. When setting a boundary, make sure you are SPECIFIC and clear when articulating it to the receiver.  Often, if there is room for interpretation, the receiver will take this space and create his or her own version of the boundary, using his/her interpretation as an excuse to wiggle and manipulate.  If the boundary involves someone doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing, and communicate it in a loving and compassion tone.  Setting a boundary does not require “conflict-energy.”  In fact, to be an effective boundary setter, practice using the Dating With Dignity “Combat-Free Communication System” in which you:

• acknowledge the other person’s feelings and state your understanding of his or her position,
• state your needs clearly,
• and, create an opportunity to collaborate with him or her to come to resolve the challenge.

In order to set a firm boundary and articulate it with clarity, you first must be clear on the boundary yourself.  This is a great opportunity to get help from your coach or a supportive friend, to ensure that all the “holes” are filled, and that there is no wiggle room for the receiver.  If you are a person whose “default tendency” when you feel under the gun plummets towards uncertainty and  self-doubt, take time before the conversation to anchor yourself to your values, rights, and long-term goals.

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In the two classes we have running right now, “Breaking Free from Your Romantic Rut,” and “Living Beyond the Rut,” there are more than 35 women embarking on journeys of self-discovery.  One of the most important themes that bubbles to the surface each week is the concept of how to set appropriate boundaries.

For those of you who have that covered, keep in mind that I am not just speaking about telling a guy “no,” when it comes to sex, or asking that he be on time.  I am talking about the types of boundaries that set your stomach a-twitter simply by envisioning the conversation in which you have to say “no,”  face the retaliation, see the look of dismay or have the argument that ensues once you draw the line.  What’s more, consider if these boundary-setting conversations may need to start happening in your life with colleagues, your boss, family members, and even friends.

To help with this delicate concept, I am sharing 5 boundaries that are mostly non-negotiable.  In addition to my “own” list of critical boundaries to set based on several Dating With Dignity High Potential Dating Concepts, I am also gleaning insights from America’s Numero Uno expert on setting boundaries, author Melody Beattie, who released her recent book, “The New Codependency,” in 2009.

1.  We are done saying “yes,” when we mean “no.” In “Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut,” we work diligently to create lists of what we will no longer say “yes” to, and then, as a result, what it means we will say “yes” to.  For example, “I am saying no to getting merely crumbs of attention from men,” and  ”I am saying yes to believing that  my needs are important.”  Get the picture?  In setting effective boundaries, we stop saying yes when we really, truly mean “no.”  Often, words such as “it’s fine,” or “whatever,” escaping from behind your lips in whispered disgust may be a sign you are not setting or enforcing this boundary.

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There is no such thing as “stuck.” As you may know, at Dating With Dignity I often talk about how we get trapped by language. Here’s the good news. Try this on for size:

In truth, “stuck” is the exact, right space for me to be in, because there are lessons to learn RIGHT HERE, right NOW.

Holy wow!  Imagine my surprise when I discovered this concept a few years ago when pondering why I was unsatisfied, afraid, and confused regarding the status of my relationship with Max, a teacher I had been dating for three months from San Francisco.  Freed from thinking I was like a “truck stuck in the muck,” I invited “stuck” to really seep into my consciousness.  I’m not stuck, I decided.  In fact, this is an opportunity to grow.  This is a new place for me.  If I choose to expand; to move towards the “stuck,” I  will ultimately move closer to what I truly want.

Then, I begin to literally envision myself magnetizing new, unknown information — drawing the lessons I needed to learn from this relationship towards myself.  I asked the “still quiet voice” inside for guidance.

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I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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I know, this is a random title for a blog on a dating and relationship website, right?  But, not really.  And here is why:  I went to an incredible seminar this past weekend featuring some of the old-school big wigs in New Thought motivational speaking.  Michael Beckwith, Les Brown, Mary Morrissey and Bob Proctor were all there sharing their wisdom to help people to move past their fears into creating a life they truly love.

Now, next door to this hotel ballroom near the airport (of course, these things are always at hotels near airports, aren’t they?!)  was yet another conference — it was called something like Accelerated Real Estate Marketing.  The name doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that is was PACKED, and the name of the conference was, “The Quick And Easy Way to Get Rich.”  As I walked to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but observe the people  in the hallway, and then I heard a man’s voice, shouting some sort of countdown.  ”7…6….5.”  What was this?  People began to pour from the ballroom into the hallway, pushing their way to the back tables set up with men, computers and brochures.  Clearly, I had to go inside to check it out. What was he selling?  The voice continued, booming through the microphone.

“The first 100 people to make it back to the tables before I get to the number ONE will receive 50% off…Will it be you? Who of you…who is serious enough…who is committed… to take advantage of this incredible opportunity to get rich quick?!”

Holy wow, I thought.  As the man continued his countdown, nearing the number ONE, people began to run from their seats, pushing past chairs, haphazardly careening past those who had chosen to simply walk.  It was incredible.  Did these people really believe that this organization could help them to acquire tremendous wealth with ease? Here I had been sitting in the room next door listening to the New Thought Gurus tell people that thinking “inside the box” was limiting their ability to be successful, while this man was calling them to action.  He had, I’m sure, spent the hour prior to the sales pitch giving his own version of “believe in yourself,” and now he had managed to inspire (or brainwash?) people to run to pay money and invest in their belief.

Who was right?  The Gurus?  The Salesman?

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It’s nearly the end of January, and many of the average Jane and Joe’s have long lost resolve to stay focused on achieving their New Years Resolutions.  Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that it’s time to give up, quit and go back to the unhealthy patterns that were making you unhappy in 2009.  That said, how do you stay on track?  Keep up your motivation?  How do you remember to re-decide for YOURSELF every time you are confronted with a challenge?  Here’s a few tips to help keep your feet pointed in the right direction:

1.  Write it down.  If most of the goals or resolutions you made are still floating aimlessly in your mind, commit them to paper.  Even if it is just one or two things, put them on paper and then post it near your bathroom sink or computer.  (The point is t0 simply put it somewhere else in your house where you see it every day!)  Connecting to what you want and intend to do daily is paramount to achieving success.

2.  Break the steps necessary to achieve each goal into little chunks.  Whatever your goal, take time to set aside one or two hours this weekend to begin “calendar-izing” each goal.  I tell my clients to create a table in WORD, or even to use EXCEL to break down the steps they will take each week in working towards their goals.  Once they have each step identified, it’s then important to make time in your calendar each week to work towards your goal.  For example, I am going to complete a book I have been writing this year.   Therefore,  I am now looking at my calendar to set aside work bursts where I can focus on my writing.  If, however, I don’t make time in my calendar and value the appointment time I set with myself as much as an appointment I would make with a Doctor, I won’t keep the appointment.

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I have been getting such an interesting response with the Self Care Gone Wild campaign that I decided to create this video blog today to help you take your motivation to the next level.  As a person who lived with years of “reward-based-thinking,” in which I would deprive, deny or otherwise live my life “white-knuckling” it through the difficult times in anticipation of when I could “let go,” I know this system never worked for me.  In the video today, I’m going to share an advanced coaching technique called, “The Miracle Moment,” in which you will develop a simple strategy designed to increase your motivation inherently — which is based on an organic, desire that comes from deep within yourself.  Check it out, and drop me an email at marni@datingwithdignity.com to let me know how it works!

I’m back from Maui, and spent yesterday planning for 2010 with my team. While that’s all fabulous and exciting, I also want to reflect on my vacation, and the state of mind I had which enabled ideas to flow freely, love to grow and compassion to deepen. In looking more carefully at this, I realized I had a certain routine while on vacation which enabled me to access deeper parts of myself; A routine in which I took care of myself.  Ahh — back to the concept of self care, – and an expansion of the Self-Care Bootcamp I began in the end of 2009. So, what did I do in Maui?

1. Daily exercise: Ok, here’s the truth.  I didn’t do one hour of killer cardio on the stairmaster, run 6 miles every day or lift weights 4 times per week.  I did 30 minutes on a stationary bike, while reading a novel or listening to empowering, motivating audio discs. Hardly hard core.  Sometimes, after 15 minutes, I transferred to the elliptical machine.  I never stayed more than 40 minutes in the gym.  Ever.  During my official 6-week Self Care Boot Camp I took the advice of a long-time friend who is a personal trainer which was this:  ”Less is More.”  I cut back on power yoga.  Cut back on lifting weights.  Started walking with a friend, stopped running stairs.  As a recovering exercise bulemic who didn’t used to consider the 60 minute spin classes I taught five times per week as my exercise for the day, I have come far.  Some days, I skipped the gym entirely. Other days, I went for a long walk with my dad.  And one day, I decided to explore a new part of the beach path and went for a run/walk.  I tried to surf, pushed past my fear of choppy waves and snorkeled with my kids.

2.  Daily quiet time to reflect: Part of the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifesting Love includes developing a connection to the still, quiet voice inside.  I call it “spirit.”  Others call is a Higher Power, the Universe or God.  As part of my daily routine while on vacation I took time to listen to reflective audio tapes, read important passages that connected me to spirit, or just meditated for 5 minutes or so while laying on the beach, in a hammock or near the pool.  It doesn’t mean I  sat cross-legged uttering ommmms for 40 minutes.  While I don’t get to meditate in those environments at home, this reminded me that when I take time to reflect, I connect.  This practice grounds me.  It reminds me to let go of anger, practice forgiveness daily, be compassionate and focus on the abundance that I have in my life.

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