Dating With Dignity

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!

Have you seen the movie that is currently in release called, “The Invention of Lying?” I saw it last week with Jem and, coincidently, the question of honesty, and “what is the truth,” has been coming up for many Dating With Dignity clients. How honest should you be? Should you disclose everything? If so, when? When it’s “not a match,” should you tell why?

First off, most men and women will say that they want a partner who is honest. In fact, when my clients are creating lists of values they hold as important for themselves and others, honesty ranks in the top five of “must-have’s.” In digging deeper, we typically discuss what honesty looks like to them. Yes, while it seems obvious that honesty is not up for discussion or debate, there are certain situations we discuss in which it might not be necessary or appropriate to tell the absolute truth.

1. How many lovers have you had in the past? When it comes to kiss and tell, discussing your past is not necessary. The past is done, and for most of us it bares no reflection of who we have are now. If you feel that you must know about your partner’s sexual past, ask yourself why it is important? Do you hold judgements that impact your ability to see a potential partner for who they are now? Or, are you holding on to shame or labels from your past? If so, are you projecting these feelings you have about yourself onto someone else? To be a successful dater, you must ensure you don’t bring your past into the present by unconsciously treating someone new as if he or she were all the “bad” men and/or women from your past. If you feel you must know, do not bring up the subject for at least six months into your relationship. This way, both of you know each other quite well and will be able to put information from the past into proper context.

2. When do I discuss STDs? If you have an STD, it is important that you are honest with your partner, when it becomes appropriate and necessary to discuss these issues. Clearly, the topic of sexually transmitted disease is not first date fodder. In fact, do not discuss STD’s until you are dating someone and both of you have agreed that the relationship holds potential for becoming monogamous. Make sure you have this conversation vertical and clothed. It is not something best brought up or discussed in the heat of passion.

3. Are you dating other people? In the 21st century both men and women are dating, a lot. The internet, especially, has made it quite easy for both sexes to have multiple dates in one week. What happens, then, when there is someone with whom you have a connection and want to explore the possibility of relationship. When, if ever, do you let him or her know that you are still dating other people? If you begin to date this person consistently, he or she is someone with whom you would like to continue dating because there is long-term potential, and choose to have sex with him or her, the Dating With Dignity point of view is to make it clear (explicit) that you are still dating other people (if this is true). Typically, men may make the assumption a woman is not sleeping with others if she is having sex with him. If you are a man, and are still dating other people while dating this person, you must be honest, treat her with respect, and enable her to make an informed choice about how she wants to be in the relationship. Perhaps she won’t want to have sex with you if you are still dating others, regardless of whether or not you are having sex with any of the other people you are dating. You do not want this person to mistakenly assume that because you are intimate with each other you are no longer dating other people. Many women will assume that if they have been dating a man consistently and then choose to become intimate, the man is going to be exclusive. None of these assumptions can be made without having an honest discussion, preferably prior to having sex. Again, have this conversation while standing vertically and clothed.

4. If it’s not a match, should you make up an excuse as to why you don’t want to see this person again? Using the words, “it’s not a match,” is a powerful way to politely disengage from someone with whom you are not interested in dating. Lying, neglect, or choosing to ignore phone calls and text messages are not appropriate if you are dating with dignity. If you are looking for someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then don’t play games. As one of the Dating With Dignity Man Panelists stated recently, “If you play games, then you leave us no choice but to do the same.” This holds true for both men and women. It’s the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” As you know, there is nothing worse then wondering why someone didn’t call when they said they would, questioning why he or she flakes repeatedly, or basing your expectations of a relationship’s potential based on false hopes or impressions. Be honest. Tell him or her that it’s not a match, and then create space for someone else to come into your life.

As a coach who tries to be there for her clients during difficult times, I encourage men and women to text or email during the weekends if they need support in living up to the dating/relationship intentions they set for themselves. This weekend was no different.

I have a client, let’s call her Jane, who met a man online a few weeks ago. He had been out of the country since they first “met” online so she had been communicating with him via text and email. During the course of these emails she began to connect with him (let’s call him Brad) because they share similar interests and appear to have the same values. As can be expected, Jane began to really “fall” for Brad, and I thus encouraged her to pull back and wait until he returned to Los Angeles to continue communicating with Brad at length. She didn’t want to engage in a pattern she has which is to begin to see a man as “the one,” before he has even come close to being a candidate for that title.

Once Brad returned to Los Angeles on Thursday, he begin to email and text Jane repeatedly. He didn’t ask her out, however, and Jane grew tired of the emails, telling Brad she wasn’t really a big “fan of texting.” In this text, she also told Brad she was looking forward to speaking with him, and asked him to call her to ” catch up” when he was able. On Saturday, upon returning to her car after her workout, Jane received another text from Brad. As she had both feared– and expected, he hadn’t called her for a date. He sent a text. In fact, Brad apologized in the text for being “last minute,” yet he was hoping she was available to meet for drinks that evening.

Jane was confused and disappointed that Brad had not called. Mostly, however, Jane was afraid because even though she knew she should tell Brad “no,” to the last minute invite via text, her desire to see him was mounting feverishly. It was then that she texted me. We discussed a possible response.

Confidently, Jane replied to Brad texting him, “I already have plans tonight. Call me and let’s make a plan to get together.” xoxo Jane.

A perfect response, given the fact that Brad had ignored her request for a phone call. This text was kind, sweet, polite and communicated the fact that while she was busy, she still was looking forward to meeting him. Once again, it communicated her expectation that he would call.

Moments later Jane texted me to say she felt sick, and that saying no to Brad was, in her words, brutal. Her day became more challenging, as she waited for Brad to call. Again, she texted me to say she was beginning to have doubts about her decisions. She asked me to remind her why she had said no to Brad’s invitation.

I did remind her. I asked Jane what kind of man she wants to have as a partner. In answering she used words like honest, responsible, communicative and loving. I asked her if she felt that Brad had shown these traits in his attempt to meet her. She interrupted me, trying to tell me that in their email exchanges Brad had shown himself to be all of these things. I stopped her mid-sentence.

“Jane,” I said. “It doesn’t matter, really, how Brad showed up for you online or via text. What matters, is this; how is Brad showing up now? Is he, in fact, thus far proving to be a man who is honest, responsible, communicative or loving? Or is he, in actuality, showing up like the other men you have dated, men who have consistently been unavailable, not looking for a long-term committment?

Jane sighed. She was frustrated, angry, and disappointed that Brad might not be who she imagined.

It was 1:37 pm on Saturday when I last texted Jane. I didn’t hear from her again, until Sunday, nearly 24 hours later.

“I wasn’t strong enough, Marni.” she wrote. “I couldn’t do it. I still have so much work to do on myself.”

This time, while she was able to say “no” to Brad (a victory in itself), Jane wasn’t able to follow through on her intention. She discovered it felt horrible to wait. And that, ultimately, the work she needs to do is related to these important new discoveries. When Jane and I have our next session I will remind her that this is just a little mistake. And that mistakes present us with opportunities to learn. Jane learned that when confronted with loneliness and the possibility of losing Brad, even though letting him go might create space for a better match to come into her life, she couldn’t change her behavior. She realized that her fears and the resulting discomfort kept her from doing what was necessary to follow through on her intention.

Bravo Jane. Bravo for trying. Bravo for learning. And bravo for allowing me to share your story so that others can be inspired by your journey.

Have a GREAT week, and for those in Los Angeles, see you at the Dating With Dignity LIVE Ask the Expert Event tonight at 7pm. Until then, keep dating with dignity. It will be worth the effort.

Facebook fighting has become more problematic than breakups via text. Oh dear…remember when life was simple, and Carrie Bradshaw went on a pot-smoking bender because Berger broke up with her on a Post-It Note? Nevertheless, it is imperative then when it comes to Facebook and relationship, you must be dignified, appropriate and drama-free. Here are a few simple guidelines to follow:

1. Friending the ex? As is the case with all exes, you must first determine whether or not both parties no longer have feelings for one another. Perhaps you are over John, but if John has not let go of the possibility that one day you will return his undying love, it is best that John not be your Facebook friend. If he is an avid Facebook fan, it will not help is ability to move on when he sees the mobile upload you posted from the date enjoyed at the farmer’s market with your latest boyfriend. If however, the ex is currently in a relationship, is happy and you are confident that gin and tonics will never lead to sex, then rest assured you can friend John.

2. Don’t send friend requests to men you want to date. Don’t kid yourself, sending a friend request to Brad, the guy you met at the bar, hiking trail or at the gym does not help your long-term chances of being asked on a date. Let Brad pursue you, friend you, Myspace you and most definitely, IM you first. If Brad does IM you, accept and then keep the conversation short. The goal is to get Brad to ask you out on a date, via the phone. If Brad lures you in via IM, he can happily chat with you, his three other friends, watch Sportscenter AND check his email. Not good. You want Brad’s full attention. Say hi. Chat for 1-2 minutes, and politely say good bye. Important, log off. You won’t want Brad to think you snubbed him, and most importantly, don’t you have something better to do with your time?

3. Be bold. Remove the relationship status information from your profile. If you are dating, you don’t want someone to make any assumptions about your relationship status from your profile on Facebook. Be dignified. Let him ask you if he must know. And, quite frankly, if he has friended you he should know your status because you met in person prior to becoming Facebook friends. I know I’m going out on a limb here, but remember that random Facebook stalkers need not know your relationship status. Let them ask directly. Finally, if you begin dating someone you like, and would like to become exclusive, the status issue becomes benign if it isn’t there to begin with. Having a conversation about exclusivity is challenging enough without having to ask if it’s “time” to change your status from “single,” to “in a relationship.”

Oy. Enough said.

I went on no less than 100 Internet dates between January 2004 and February, 2009. I met my first post-divorce boyfriend on Craig’s List, experimented with Jdate, Match.com, Nerve.com, Plentyoffish.com., Elitemeeting.com, and more. I went on coffee dates, dinner dates, drink dates, hiking dates and dates that lasted less than 15 minutes. I even traveled to New York city to meet someone who, for the 10 day prior to our face-to-face meeting, I truly thought was my soul mate.

He wasn’t.

I did, however, meet some incredible men online with whom I have become friends. What’s more, Internet dating can work. In fact, my dad met his girlfriend on Jdate. It was his first, best, and only online date. There are countless success stories of those who have found love online , which is why, if you become an adept, intentional Internet dater, you can enjoy the process of dating online. Here are five general guidelines to help you find love online.

1. Five Pictures Plus. Ensure that prior to meeting a potential date you have seen more than 5 photos of this person. If they have just two photos, one of which is a professional headshot, ask them via email to send you pictures directly. Don’t feel that because you are requesting more photos you are going to be perceived as “picky,” or “shallow.” In truth, you are taking care of your needs, reducing the possibilities of disappointment and ensuring you don’t waste time. Occasionally, you may receive a reply that reads like this. “Sorry Susie. I don’t have any recent photos, My friends tell me I am much better looking than my pics. Don’t worry. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.” In my experience I have found that those men and women that need to tell you they are attractive should be avoided. In turn, ensure that you have at least five photos to post online, and don’t spend energy reassuring your prospect that you are, in fact, attractive.

2. Zoom-a-zoom: Ensure that of those five pictures, at least 3 of them are close up photos. If you have to zoom into the face, squint, lean into your computer screen, or find yourself asking friends if the prospect is attractive because the zoom effect has pixilated John or Sue’s face into a 1980s version of Tetris, ask for additional photos.

3. Do the Sherlock- Holmes, that is: If you kindly ask when the prospect’s online photos were taken, there is a fifty percent chance he or she may exaggerate. Instead, ask a more open-ended question that can prompt insight into this person’s values about honesty. For example, “I am fascinated by the online dating process. In what ways do you think a person’s online dating profile reflects who they really are?” Not only can you discuss photos and other information they have posted on their profile, but this line of conversation can also provide insights in their belief systems, values and experiences dating online.

4. You so sexy: If you are looking for the possibility of a serious relationship, avoid men who post pictures of themselves sans shirt. Men should also be quick to avoid women who post provocative photos. Posting these kinds of photos tells the online “shopper” that this person feels their self worth is based mostly on their attractiveness or sexuality.

4 ½. No guarantees: If you have done all you can to reduce the risk of picture fraud, be certain there are no guarantees. Whether the pictures the person has posted online are accurate or not, smile when you meet her. Not attracted? No worries. Spend time practicing your dating skills. Ask open-ended questions. Release judgments. Smile again. And be sincere upon ending the date. For example, “I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know more about you Susie. Thanks so much for agreeing to meet me. (Look directly into Susie’s eyes. (Smile) I wish you the best of luck. I hope you have an amazing day.” Do not tell Susie you will “talk to her soon,” “talk to her later,” or send her an email. Say thank you. Say goodbye. If Susie contacts you again, politely tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent together, and that “it’s not a match.” No more. No less. Remember, like energy attracts like energy. If you desire to surround yourself with compassionate, polite and honest members of the opposite sex, do the same in kind.

It’s Labor Day, a time to reflect on the concept of work. And while it’s true that nothing worth having comes without work, effort, blood, sweat and tears, this does not hold true when it comes to dating. In fact, when done with the right attitude, energy and approach dating can be fun.

“Hah,” you say, furrowing your brow as you remember your last Internet date with the guy who looked more like George Jetson rather than George Clooney. This search for love is not fun, you argue. It’s disappointing. Frustrating.

Here’s the Dating With Dignity news flash this Labor Day, 2009: Dating could, in fact, be fun. Let me suggest two strategies to test this week as you launch into Fall.

1. Like attracts like. In the dating world this translates into something simple; What you think is what you will create. Thus, if you think mostly of negative thoughts such as “dating is frustrating,” “I will be disappointed,” “Internet dates are irritating. “ “The men never look like their picture,” or “I’m never going to meet anyone.” “Dating is a waste of time,” then this is the result you will create. Become aware of your negative thoughts this week. Record them in a journal. Once you become aware of what you are creating, you can then you can begin to effect change in your life.

2. Begin Data Dating. One of the primary lessons clients learn in the Dating With Dignity program is to approach dating as a positive adventure. View dating as an exciting, fun process in which your objective is to not only to collect data about the men you date, but most importantly, have fun while you are doing it. Dating should NOT be work. If you find yourself agonizing with you’re your friends, wondering, questioning, and doubting yourself, then it’s time to date someone else. Need to break it off? Use my favorite words. Say, “Hey, I really enjoy spending time with you Brad, yet I know in my heart it’s just not a match.” Smile. Tell Brad to have a nice day. And then create space for someone pleasurable to come into your life! When you are dating effectively, you will have fun. Dates will include laughter, friendly banter, and you will feel good the next day. Collect data. Have fun. Write these words on a Post It note, put it on your computer, refrigerator, or near your phone. Make this your mantra.

Just four more days until Thursday, which is when I will have my interview with David Wygant. Wygant, an incredibly thought provoking dating expert, will take you inside the minds of men during this 60 minute interview. Don’t miss this! Go to askdavidwygant.com now to let me know your question for David. Don’t forget! Enjoy your labor day. And don’t work too hard!

I’m on vacation in northern California with my three daughters, The Brit (who is my boyfriend), my father and his girlfriend of eight months.  For one week we have moved into a wooden house built on stilts overlooking a quaint lake.  Sitting on it’s expansive deck in a chocolate brown, Lazy Boy recliner that the Brit has moved to the deck from it’s place in the family room, the view of the lake is magnificent in the early morning light.    Shards of color, steel grey, almost a silver-ish brown brighten the tree line, each piece of light hanging like tinsel from the pine trees surrounding the lake.  The setting at Twain Harte Lake is the same it has been since I first vacationed here in 1998 with my two parents, husband, and three daughters, all of whom were toddlers at the time.  And while the picturesque views have not changed, nor has Bingo night on Tuesdays at 5pm, nor has the face of the elderly woman who writes lake ticket receipts in her slow, perfect cursive handwriting each day after carefully placing my crumpled five dollar bill in the metal cash box, there are many things that are different during this trip to Twain Harte.

First, my father is in a new relationship with a woman he met on Jdate in November, 2008.  He takes her on walks through the trees, holds her hand as he plays Monopoly with the grandchildren, and hugs her tightly when they think no-one is looking. The Brit is also here, rough-housing with my children in the lake, showing them how to row a boat, doing flips off the diving board, making the girl’s their favorite pancakes, brewing the perfect cup of coffee for me each morning, and whispering “love you’s” in my ear throughout each day.

Thus, I believe, I have been observing two men who are in love.

Which brings me to Steve Harvey’s New York Times  best-seller,  “Act Like A Lady.  Think Like a Man, ”  the book I have been reading while sitting on the sandy beach of Twain Harte Lake.  In between swims to the huge rock on the other side of the lake, “rating” each other’s dives, and preparing meals for this clan each day, I have made time to relax.  Read.  And contemplate whether or not Steve Harvey’s point of view coincides with mine, and with the dating process I teach to women who attend the Dating With Dignity seminars and workshops I hold.  And, most importantly, with what I have been observing this week, noticing if, in fact, Steve Harvey’s descriptions of men in love match the words and actions of the two men who sleep each night here in this cabin in the woods.

To begin, Steve Harvey writes there are three things men do when they are in love:  Profess.  Provide.  And  protect.  Harvey claims that once a man has decided that he wants to claim a woman as “his,” he will be vocal about it, professing his feelings readily to anyone who will listen.  For example, when a man brings a woman to a party does he introduce her as “my friend, Christine?”  Or, conversely, does he walk in with his arms around Christine telling Bob and Elaine that this, guys, is “my girlfriend, Christine.”  According to Harvey this man will then ensure Christine meets everyone at the party, bring her beverages and keep his hands near her throughout the evening to demonstrate to the crowd that Christine is his woman.

Next, Harvey says men in love have a biological need to provide for the woman with whom he is in a relationship.  Even if this man doesn’t have the cash he hopes because he is on his way towards building his dream career, a man in love will do what he can to make sure his woman is provided for.  Not only will he proudly buy her dinner, take her to the movies, make sure she has medicine if she’s sick, or  ensure she has enough RAM if her MacBook freezes interminably, he will make sure her garbage disposal is working correctly when it goes on the fritz.

Last, according to Harvey, a man in love will walk 10,000 miles out of his way to protect his woman.  Whatever it takes, a man in love will keep his woman safe.  Warm.  And dry.  He won’t let her pump gas, (for fear she might spill on her hands), carry a suitcase, or run to get something she mistakenly left behind in the car.  Instead, a man in love will insist he do these things for her.   A man in love may not, according to Steve Harvey, engage in long talks about his love for you or patiently wait while you try on two dresses that turns into ten, but he will profess, provide and protect if he is committed to you and the relationship.

Which brings me to The Brit, and my dad;  the two men whom I have been observing for the past six days.  According to Harvey, these men are both “all in.”  My dad, for example, generously provides for his girlfriend, having taken her on trips and purchased her small gifts in the past eight months they have been dating.  He has also taken her with him on various trips, introducing her to his friends of fifty years, smiling enthusiastically, as he introduces her as is S.O. (significant other.) And here, in Twain Harte, he has made sure she doesn’t have to walk too far, cook too much, or stay in the heat too long.  He protected her when we drove up the winding roads to Yosemite, constantly asking her if she was ok, if her stomach had stopped reacting to the twists and turns associated with mountain driving.  He professes his feelings for her the talks we’ve had while taking exercise walks, sharing how much he loves her, how she makes him happy.  Before he met his girlfriend he was married to my mother for 45 years.  Before she died of cancer in 2008, my father professed, provided and protected my mother, especially when it came down to the final year of her life.  Because of the era in which they both were raised, he was a man who never lifted more than a finger when it came to household chores. During the long months of her sickness, however, I saw him cook dinner, spoon feed her, help her swallow her medicine, rub her neck, and profess his love for her to anyone who would listen.  Despite his age, clumsiness and occasional short temper, he loves unabashedly,  deeply, and just as Steve Harvey describes in his book.

The Brit is more than 30 years junior to my father.  And unlike my father, the Brit is physically strong and able. A modern man.  Nevertheless, The Brit has spent much of his time this week protecting and providing for not only me, but my three daughters as well.  He has purchased them floating rafts, sweet treats, and helped them secure the screen in the window each night in their room before bed.  He has removed spiders.  Swatted flies.  He sat with them to play Boggle while I went for a run.  He lay next to them on the dirtied carpeted floor as they shared their secrets to successfully defeating “Bowser” in the Mario Brother’s game they have been playing on their GameBoy DS.  He has done the dishes and swept.  Packed the car.  Unloaded the car, and then taken the girls for a swim when his girlfriend just wanted to sit and read.  He has carried my youngest daughter over rocks so she could cross a river with her sisters.  He brought me ice when I was hot, my legs sticking to the sheets as I lay in bed one night.  Like my dad, the Brit is a man man who is in love.

I imagine I would have known this without reading Steve Harvey’s book.  After all,  it feels  dramatically different to be loved this way.  When a man is in love, REALLY in love, it feels so…so… obvious.  So clear.  For years I carelessly traded the precious minutes of my life wondering how men felt about me.  I wasted time and energy trying to guess.  Play games.  Strategize. Questioning their motives.  Intentions.  Steve Harvey has got it down.

Profess.

Provide.

Protect.

If you are wondering if that man you are dating is heading towards commitment, if he is serious about creating his life with you as his partner, step into the laboratory and observe.  Let me know.  I’m waiting for your story.

I love my male friends.  They are my insight into man-speak, what I call “man-glish,” and provide important insights as I navigate through the rocky, unfamiliar landscape of dating.    I have heeded their advice too, because as a woman I have always sucked at following “The Rules” outlined in the bestselling book  written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.  In this book, Fein and Schneider detail rules women should follow to successfully get men into relationship, rules which mostly involving some version of playing hard to get.  For example, according to Fein and Schneider I should never talk to a man first, call him first and rarely return his calls.  They warn it could be dangerous if I open up too fast, and one of my favorite rules to break, go beyond casual kissing on the first date. Yikes!  If I were to have learned and then mastered these rules in some sort of mythical dating school, I would have either failed, or consistently found myself in the offices of Ms. Fein and Schneider, sent to the principal for a variety of horrific dating rule violations.

Bill, one of my best “man-glish” teachers advises me regularly, insisting men need to feel they are powerful.  In control.  They love the chase.  And so when I receive a text message from Artist Guy at 9pm one night, I panic.

“Hey, just home from work.”  Artist Guy writes.  “I could go to the gym.  Or not.”

I am frozen.  Paralyzed.  Shit.

Do I respond?  Do I wait 10 minutes, then respond?  Is two minutes too quickly?  Do I respond tomorrow?  Do I respond two days from now?  And, when I respond to Artist Guy, what the hell do I write?  WHAT are the rules?

After all, it is 9pm.  Is this text message a booty call?  I did not sleep with him on our first date.  Or, perhaps he simply wants to chat it up via text message?

I text Bill immediately, telling him the details of Artist Guy’s text, tip tapping on my iphone as quickly as I can, relieved that in asking Bill for advise I am stalling, buying  a decent amount of time in the “playing hard to get department.

“Artist guy texted me. I write to Bill. Should I text back?  Or, should I wait?

Bill responds quickly, which is one of the things I love most about Bill.

“Show him you are busy.  Girl, show Artist Guy you have a life!”

Show him I have a life?  I do have a life.  I am a single mother to three daughters.   I have two jobs, a book I am trying to write, friendships I value and maintain with love and care, volunteer work I do regularly, and it all involve zillions of responsibilities. I, for Godsakes, am planning a Bat Mitzvah.  And so I wonder, how could the timeliness in which I respond to a text, or whether or not I pick up the phone demonstrate to Artist Guy, or any man whom I meet, that I am busy?  What happens, for example, if someone calls and it is one of the rare moments I am not helping my children with homework, spending time with friends, teaching a class, preparing for work, or attempting to write?  Should I let it go to voicemail just so Artist Guy will perceive me as busy.  What, God forbid, if I actually want to talk to Artist Guy?

Back in the 80’s when I was dating my ex-husband, I was immediately thrown by his declaration on our second date that he wanted to have a “serious” relationship with me.  As I sat across the table from him, just 20 years old at a college town restaurant in Tempe, Arizona, I chose to accept his request to be “serious.”  After all, what a catch to find the one 23 year old male capable of making such a request?  He was tall, had a job and I was still a college student.  I dove into that “serious” relationship without following any rules.  I was available when he called.  I slept with him straight away.  I never kept him waiting, and dates were never brief.  And while I may have sucked at “the rules,” I was quite simply following his lead.  Our second date included meeting his mother, he consistently skipped plans with friends to have dinners with me, and for months my ex-husband went to work at noon, a habit which my roommate, who was also his employee, did not appreciate.  And so it continued, both of us relentless rule breakers.  We met in June and in September I decided not to return to New Orleans where I was a sophomore in college, moved to Arizona and then proceeded to feverishly break rules with abandon.  When he was offered a job in Chicago one year later, I told him I wouldn’t move there with him unless we were engaged. He had never even asked me to move.  He had never mentioned marriage.  And although I sucked at following “the rules,” I was engaged and married two years after we met,  at the young age of 22.

Thus, as a divorcee my “man-glish” training has been crucial.  I’ve witnessed my twenty something friends live by “the rules,” without  much consideration.  Never hesitating, they are instinctual rule followers.  While drinking her morning coffee. Lisa smiles as she sees an incomng text from Buck, a potential suitor.  Lisa carefully finishes her sip, reads the text and then confidently puts her phone down stating, “Buck texted.  I will text him back later, during lunch.”

And so I wonder, perhaps “the rules” do not apply to grown ups with jobs, children and responsibilities?  I, for example, could not text Buck back during lunch, because this is when I will choke down my sandwich, make dentist appointments, call the caterer and quickly shoot off an email with the to-do list for the handy man.   After lunch I will barely have time to pee.  So in an effort to do as Bill says, show the Buck’s of the world that I am busy, that I have a life, am  I supposed to skip one of my responsibilities, one of the actual things that truly makes my life busy, so that I could, in fact, text  Buck during lunch?   Will this then adequately demonstrate to  Buck and the rest of his gender that I am busy, simply because I didn’t text him back when he wrote in the morning –which was the time when I had a few spare moments to  TEXT BACK BUCK?!

A few weeks ago I met Rock Star online,  a 38 year old professional with exceptional good looks.  And while I was cautiously optimistic that Rock Star did, in fact, look like his photos, I was interested. Apparently though, there are also online dating rules.  And, of course, I suck at these too.  According to Topdatingtips.com,  online dating rules require that I don’t initiate conversations via email.  That, in fact, I am not to initiate contact or pursue, and that I am supposed to “allow men to come to me.”  Strike one.  I emailed Rock Star first.  Within minutes, Rock Star wrote back, asking for my phone number. According to the dating tips experts, I’m “never supposed to provide a true phone number,” however, I did.  Strike two.  And then, I struck out.  “Always respond to emails at least three days after receipt,” the website recommends.  Ha.  I suck.  I wrote back instantly and provided Rock Star my very, very true phone number!  Within thirty seconds my phone was ringing, an unknown number flashing on the screen.  Curiously I looked towards my phone, pausing briefly as I watched it flash on my nightstand.  But as a relentless rule breaker, I answered immediately, the enthusiasm in my voice revealing my interest in Rock Star, my good intention leaking unabashedly through the phone lines.  Rock Star and I spoke on the phone for hours that night, although now I had allegedly outed myself as available, and according to our friends at “Top Dating Tips,” desperate.

Damnit.  Damnit. Damnit.  Once again, a rule breaker.  However, what Bill and those experts at Topdatingtips.com don’t know is that this just happened to be one rare night in which, although technically  available, I was quite busy.  Busy living my life. My kids were at their dad’s house, and I had just emerged from a ridiculously long, water-wasting hot shower after a 6:30pm yoga class. When I returned home I had joyfully indulged in my favorite single woman, post yoga dinner — cereal.  I had then climbed into bed, grabbed my laptop and signed on to the dating website simply to check in.  Thus, while I was technically available, did Rock Star really think me desperate because I had simply engaged in something close to a real-time conversation with him in my attempt to return his emails quickly.  In fact, if I were to have spotted Rock Star across the bar or at Starbucks we would have had an actual conversation, without the required three day delay.  And in fact, had he asked for my number I would have most definitely given it to him.

For two weeks Rock Star and I tried to meet.  I, however, was busy.  Truly busy.  Between spending time with my kids, dinners with friends, and work I had to keep saying no when Rock Star asked me out.  In fact, he had to ask me out three times before I was available.  I was not playing hard to get.  It’s just….well…. I am hard to get, because I, in fact, have a full, rich life.  And, when we did meet, it had been a spontaneous decision to meet him late night after I had dinner with very close friends, three days prior to our scheduled date.    Before dinner we had texted each other, agreeing to meet if we finished our previous commitments before it became too late.  Driving home at 11:00 he texted, telling me he was finishing up with a client dinner and would call as soon as he was able.  Hmmmm, I thought to myself, knowing the rule nazis would not approve if we were to meet closer to midnight.  Arriving home, filled with resolve to follow the damn rules, I went upstairs and quickly took my makeup off.  I had saved myself, I thought.  I could not meet him without makeup and the cute  outfit I had just taken off,  favoring loose fitting sweats and an oversized grey t-shirt.  I had not even shaved my legs.  Clearly, I had saved myself.  Jumping into bed I grabbed the remote, plugged in my phone and settled into the pillows confident when he called I would, once again, tell him we would meet in a few days as planned.  Moments later the phone rang, and within minutes I heard myself agreeing to meet him, trusting my intuition that Rock Star was sincere, his velvet southern voice serenading me with reassurance.

“We need to meet,” he said. “We’ve been talking for weeks, babe.  I feel like you are my long distance girlfriend. It feels like I haven’t seen you in weeks,” his voice sang.

Hanging up I felt relief, not shame as I expected.  I was going to hideously violate every rule ever written.  And, I was looking forward to finally meeting him after looking at his pictures for weeks. I had Googled him. Myspaced him.  Facebooked him. I had checked and rechecked and it was time to discover if he was as kind in person as he had been via telephone and text, and it would be truly impressive if he were still attracted to me without makeup or date clothes.  Ten minutes later, dressed in purple yoga pants, a blue v-neck t-shirt and my black school-girl glasses I went downstairs to answer the door.

Opening the door my heart lunged, and I smiled, looking into his eyes smiling back at mine. Dressed in a high fashion black leather jacket and skinny jeans, Rock Star looked exactly as he had in his pictures.  He was tall, a hint of scruff, and the small lines crinkled near the corners of his eyes as he smiled at me.  Within seconds, he was inside the doorway,  pulling me into his arms tightly, whispering in my ear.

“It feels so good to see you,” he said.  “To be with you. ”

We continue to hold each other, both not wanting to let go except briefly to look into each others eyes, drinking in the fact that our expectations have been met, even surpassed.

“We met online,” I say, shocked that it could be true. That all my rule breaking hadn’t resulted in a lifetime of man purgatory.

Rock Star pulled me closer then, lifting my chin into a perfectly choreographed kiss.  We went to my living room, and sitting next to him on the couch I comfortably crossed my long legs over his.  We talked, hugged each other tightly, laughed, and made out like teenagers til 4am, recklessly breaking rule after rule with carefree abandon.  I even let Rock Star sleep in my bed that night, delighting in the caresses of this man, a man who felt he had discovered a jewel.  A man who thought that I was brilliant for taking this risk with him, that I was his treasure.

Since that first date three days ago, I admit that I have, on several occasions wanted to text Rock Star, or call him to tell him I am looking forward to our next date.  I have, however, waited to be “chased,” allowing him to call first because he is a man who doesn’t play games, and I know he will call.   Rock Star isn’t breaking rules by showing his interest in spending time with me, revealing his excitement to see me soon, sharing his struggles with the reality of surviving in tough economic times, or just to tell me he thinks I’m amazing.   He is a man who, like me, sucks at “the rules” or more likely, isn’t playing games anymore either.

So to some, like Ms Fein and Schneider, as well as the experts at TopDatinTips.com,  I still suck at playing by “the rules,” at playing games with men.  But, the truth is I don’t suck.  I’m just living my life, and have ultimately decided that in my quest to be vulnerable, I am done playing games.  Maybe games, in fact, are just for kids, 20 somethings who don’t need to read “the rules,” because playing by rules is just what they do instinctually.  Most likely, however, it’s time for me to leave the sandbox and the games that are played there in pursuit of a man who has also chosen to walk away, leaving his shovel, ball, and bucket in the sand next to mine.

Marni Battista is a 42 year old divorced mother of three daughters ages 13, 10 and 6 who lives and dates in Los Angeles, California.  With a Masters in Elementary Education, this former nursery school teacher is re-inventing herself as a professional writer and pursuing a career as a Certified Life Coach.

=

If the saying, “food for thought” was not, in fact, a metaphor, I would be stuffed.  A glutinous truth seeker and someone who has been on more than 50 first dates in the four years since my divorce, I have spent hours binging on rich chocolate thoughts such as what the hell happened to the faux prince charming I met online, Rockstar, the truths behind the  “Cracking the ManCode” seminar I attended a few weeks ago,  and  why I am experiencing relative ease in dating Smart Guy, another internet find who trips my trigger but hasn’t pushed my buttons.

Rasberry Pate de Fruit Layered Over Almond Hazelnut Praline

Chuao Candies

Hmmmm….Anything with almond hazelnut praline in its description sounds amazing, delicious, a treat that can not be left sitting for too long in the box of chocolates.  And thus, when I saw Rockstar’s online profile I thought he was most definitely hazelnut praline.  Tall, blond and amazing thick dirty blond hair. This 30 inch waist, one- time actor and successful fashion photographer was one piece of  chocolate candy I couldn’t wait to devour.  And although our schedules didn’t mesh for weeks, I was enjoying the fact that I knew he was there,  nestled in the decorator box waiting for me to inspect more closely.

I was thrown though when he sent me a picture from his Iphone directly to my email.  This picture was no headshot, and quite unlike this two pictures online.

I wondered to my friend Maya, “I’m not sure if he’s cute.  Is he cute?  Is he?

Maya replied patiently.  “Is the picture downright bad, I mean, really, is he…like…ugly in the picture?”

I thought, considering the pixels once again.

“No, not ugly.  But for sure not as cute as those pics online.”

“No worries,” said Maya confidently.  I’m sure….. he’s cute.”

I was patient, and as life gets busy, not to mention the picture dilemma, it made it easier to wait and get to know him over the phone.

When I met Rockstar the first time at my front door, though, it was as if I put my nose right inside the glorious candy box.  I inhaled, savoring how good it felt to be in his warm embrace.  It was gourmet!  Yummilicious.   He had looked good, now this piece of candy smelled good too.  When we kissed, it was confirmed.  Rockstar was one treat to delight the tastebuds.   In fact, when I first met Rockstar I didn’t even poke the bottom to see what kind of filling I might find inside that inviting candy coating.  Nope, before I even had more than one nibble of this EliteMeeting.com morsel, I thought he might be worth getting myself a case of.

After dating a few weeks,  however, I began to sense this guy was not turning out to be milk chocolate on the outside, delicious hazelnut praline filling inside.  A few “I’ll call ya laters” that went unfulfilled and what seemed like a case of chronics lateness left me disappointed.  And as I began to consider that this piece of candy might just be a one-hit wonder, I remained open to the possibilities, my taste buds blinded by the first class packaging.

And then there was the date, our last date.  The setting was magnificent.  A candlelit dinner where we sat tucked away in a dark corner at one of LA’s most hip restaurants.   Our table for two enveloped by sheaths of white linen, swagged effortlessly throughout the small alcove, marble pillars creating the feel of Mozambique and Arabian Knights.  We drank wine, laughed, shared an entrée.  Friends joined us for dinner and there I observed, pleased, as Rockstar held my hand, mixing brilliantly with my friends. Filled with good food, friends and wine we returned home, spending five minutes in his Range Rover parked outside my house singing.  Our most loud, horrible voices filling the car, as we rocked the entire lyrics to “St Elmo’s Fire, a classic from the 1990s.     It was a great date.  And of course, there was the proverbial telephone call the next day, heralding the evening as one of his best.

“Honey,” he said.  He had called me honey from the getgo.

“That was amazing.  The best.  Oh my God…honey.”  his Tennessee drawl made me return to thoughts of the chocolate center, milk chocolate coating, swirls and twirls the perfect compliment to it’s magnificent taste.  And for sure, inside there had to be pure hazelnut praline.

“Honey….,I replied.  “It was fun….amazing…but I don’t think  the lyrics to that song are “Dough Horizon…” I laughed thrilled we now shared an inside joke between us.

“I’m going to finish moving this week, then you will see my new studio.  Honey…Its gonna be….dope. I can’t wait for you to see it.   I’m thinkin’ Wednesday.”

“Perfect,” I said.  “No kids Wednesday, that’s great.”

And then, I took the big bite, the one where you find out exactly what kind of filling lies hidden inside the delicious milk chocolate.

I hit Rasberry Pate de Fruit.  And I, for one, do not like fruit in my chocolate!

He replied,

“Uhhh…honey…I’m not sure Wednesday.  Maybe Thursday.  I don’t know.  Not sure when….  It’s has to be…perfect.  I holla at you later.”

Ick.  Uck. Choke.  Gag.

This is when it’s time to spit. Into the trash.  A napkin.  The street.  Really, I’m not eating Rasberry Pate de Fruit.  It’s not worth the calories.  Which is a good thing, because in essence, this was the last conversation I had with Rockstar before he began to vanish.  Disappear.

The taste of Pate de Fruit still lingers as I try to figure out what the hell happened to Rockstar.  And while I’m thrilled I didn’t invest in a case, box or even one full piece of Rockstar,  my curiosity regarding “disappearing man syndrome” inspired me to attend a “Cracking the Man-Code” seminar given by Matt Boggs, a relationship expert and author of “Project Everlasting.”

Breakfast Buffet, Ritz Carlton Hotel, Laguna Beach California

My best guy friend, Chris, has been suggesting I attend Boggs’ seminar for months, as Chris is my go-to guy for interpreting men and the meaning behind their often confusing actions. He knows that when it comes to men I have difficulty playing by the famed “Rules” coined by authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider more than five years ago.  Coming off the Rasbery Pate de Fruit, I was ready for something a bit more conventional.  Something filling.  A menu I could really sink my teeth into, foods with substance and heartiness but that also offered a few delicacies I could savor amidst the more traditional fare.

And there it was, the ultimate food for thought.  A buffet waiting for me in Orange County;  “Cracking the Man-Code: 6 1/a Secrets to MANifesting and Getting the Love You Deserve.  Now, I’m not going to divulge all the secrets I learned at Boggs’ incredible two hour chick fest, but I will tell you that for the more than 40 plus attractive 30-40 year-old women in the room, the code was definitely cracked.

Although I’m not a meat eater, there is plenty of carved roast beef in Bogg’s theory.  According to the Man Code, men, who were traditionally hunters in prehistoric times, have not changed much in the last thousands of years.  Boggs’ asked us to imagine that men can’t multitask effectively because they operate within metaphorical “apartments” that exist in their brains.  The result is this; when my man is in the football apartment, he can’t dis about the couple at dinner last night because, for goodness sakes, he is in the freaken football apartment.  Apparently, these apartments have no windows and the door is exit only, in that a woman can’t get inside the apartment.  Her best bet is to wait, siting quietly and join in the task at hand.  While I knew this intellectually, I had always blamed men, thinking they didn’t think that what I wanted to say was important.  Or, that they didn’t care what I was feeling.  Turns out most times, I was talking to those men while they were firmly entrenched in one apartment or another.

A case in point. I was driving to dinner with a male friend of mine, Neil.  This down to earth cool British guy is someone I dated once or twice, but we opted for a friendship instead.  Nevertheless, as friends, Neil exemplified perfectly the apartment theory.

“So,” says Neil with concern in his voice as we head down Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica looking for a place to park the car.  “Tell me, what happened with that women who told y’tales about your daughter without giving you any details?”

Ahh, I thought, enjoying his British accent.  Sweet Neil. Not only did he remember our conversation a few days before where I told him about the phone call, but he was thoughtful enough to ask me how it resolved.  Cared enough to see how it had turned out for me and my 13-year-old daughter.  Just as I launched into the answer, Neil clearly stopped listening.  He had spied an empty parking space and was trying to ascertain if the meter was one hour, two hours or not in effect on a Friday night at 8 pm.

“Hmmmm..can ya read that meter?” asked Neil, cutting me off mid sentence.

While my instinct was to get pissed and think Neil an uncaring cad for interrupting me in the middle of my vulnerable expose on parenting a teenager, I remembered the apartment theory.  I sunk my teeth into that rare roast beef and savored its tenderness.  Clearly, Neil was in the “parking apartment,” thus incapable of hearing my answer.  It wasn’t that he didn’t care, he just couldn’t listen to me and park the car simultaneously.

Now that I have cracked the code, I knew to stop talking.  Wait until the parking task had been completed.  And then, once the car was safely in gear and parked, key out of the ignition, Neil turned to me and said, “Now, what happened with your daughter?”

The Man-Code Buffet also featured other tasty morsels, like reasons why men such as Rockstar vanish or disappear.  Sinking my teeth into this information was like enjoying the hollandaise sauch on eggs benedict,  the crispness of hash browns with sautéed mushrooms, and the crunch of crispy maple smoked bacon.   I now understood Rockstar may  have floated off into never- never land because, for him, the hunt of Marni, the lioness, had ended.  Although I had followed his lead,  it didn’t matter.  I had become too accessible.  I jumped right into the trap.  Game over.  Hunt ended.  And that, according to Boggs, is no damn fun for men like Rockstar.   While I am a rule hater, according to Bogg’s, I need to get over it because men need to hunt.  It’s in their DNA.  They must do it.

There may be other reasons Rockstart vanished.   For example, according to Man-Code theory, often when men get caught up in the sexual part of a relationship they lose their ability to reason effectively.  And, when a man is in the lust apartment, he thus can’t effectively use his intellect to assess his true feelings.  As a result, they disappear in order to think things through.  Sometimes they come back.  Sometimes they don’t.

Of course, there were an array of breakfast pastries on the Boggs Buffet.  Croissants in the form of tidbits about why I really shouldn’t sleep with men until the relationship has evolved into something I am looking for.  And as the scrambled eggs with goat cheese, basil and sweet red peppers melted in my mouth, I understood why I need to let the man take charge, a task that is often difficult for me, as Boggs shared his theory on the pitfalls of being a woman who tends to bring a significant amount of male energy to the dating table.   Again, it seems that men just need to be men.  Neanderthal’s with hearts, pretty faces and much less hair than their prehistoric predecessors.  Hmmm, I thought, perhaps next time I should let the man decide whether we want a table in front, or sit outside under heat lamps.

And then there were the desserts, and the sweetest, most luscious fruits.  The Man-Code seminar came complete with a “man panel” on hand to answer questions by  women attending the seminar.  Three relatively good looking men, two single and one married,  spent 30 minutes helping women in the audience interpreting questions such as, “Why do men ask for your number, but then never call?”  Or, “How come women shouldn’t sneak off and pay ahead for the bowling, movie, or dessert on a first, second, or even third date?”  I savored each taste as I sampled the marscapone honey dip and maple crème fraiche.   Then bite after bite of the fresh tropical and seasonal fruits.

The Man-Code Buffet had been satiating.  I left satisfied, filled with new understanding that while men might be modern day Neanderthals, it’s just because they are wired this way, and that most importantly, to know them is to love them.  To understand them is to work with them, not against them.

Driving back from the OC to Los Angeles with my friend Lindsay, we both burped unabashedly.  We were full, two women content knowing we had cracked the code and would ultimately MANifest  love we both deserved.

“Stir it Up”  and Hot Green Tea

Julienne vegetables, gingery garlic sauce over brown rice, soba noodles or daily greens.

Real Food Daily, Santa Monica California

And then there is Smart Guy, another man I met online, also at EliteMeeting.com.  According to Elite we were a 94 percent match, having many things in common such as location, age, primary interests and income.  What really got me with Smart Guy, however, was that he mentioned a book in his profile, The Four Agreements, that I also read and it seemed it was one of the precepts for his philosophy toward life.

Armed with man-code knowledge I was eager to meet Smart Guy.  We met at the Urth Café, a down-to-earth spot in Venice, California.  Featuring an array of whole bean organic coffees  hand selected fine teas, the menu also offers healthy salads, soups and desserts.  Smart guy arrived with that just woke up look, tossled brown hair, board shorts and a sweatshirt emblazoned with the words, “Argentina,” on it.  I had managed cute, but casual in jeans, black sweater and a black and white plaid cap.   We talked easily, and within minutes he was sharing his views on life, his belief in the laws of attraction, his desire to avoid wheat, alcohol and dairy, as well as his latest business venture which promises to help people make money through enjoyment.  I was thrown off a bit, as this run of the mill vegetable happened to also look quite scrumptious… like chocolate, in fact.  Dark chocolate, my favorite.  Eighty percent cocoa.   Smart Guy carried on, his words proving to me he was 100 percent vegetable.

I have been dating Smart Guy for a short time, and I like him!  He continues to be the best looking vegetable I’ve found, which often throws off a woman who is used to being attracted to hazelnut praline with raspberry pate de fruit. I used to just choke down the fruit, now I’m thinking I like veggies as an entrée, chocolate for dessert!  Smart Guy makes me think.  He makes me smile.  He’s super sexy, and to top if off, he calls when he says he will.  He flirts via email.  Texts to tell me he has had a good time after a date, and then,  calls again the next day just to say hi.  Smart Guy even cooked me dinner, yes vegetables and lentils smothered in a most delicious miso dressing, at his place, and because Smart Guy looks vegetable yet has that chocolate thing going for him, he suggested we eat a piece of the flourless chocolate cake I had brought first, before we had dinner!  In the hooking up department, Smart Guy has been respectful as well as passionate, allowing me to enjoy each moment.  In fact, during one heated moment Smart Guy straight out said, looking me directly in the eye, that the journey toward the destination is just as fun as the arrival.  Did I mention he looks like Godiva?

When I am with Smart Guy it’s healthy.  It’s green tea and lemon.  Hot, sweet and warming, leaving me with good, tender-hearted feelings of calm and quiet joy.  There is no drama, no bloat from excessive feasting on sweets that taste good in the moment but result in bad feelings and hurt.

Most important, Smart Guy reinforces what I have learned for myself when it comes to food, thoughts and life.  Be Moderate.  Don’t eat too much.  Don’t think too much.  And enjoy each moment for what it is, knowing that it is just one part, of all the parts that are necessary, on the Food Pyramid that makes up my rich, delicious life.  Life is too short to diet I have learned.  Starving now leads to binging later,  and eating until I can’t move makes me feel bad.  Life is enjoying everything in small bites.  Don’t workout too much.  Eat candy.  Enjoy bread, pasta and crackers. Savor stirfry, roasted broccoli and jasmine mint tea.  And  allow myself  the pleasures I deserve as long as they are consumed with peace of mind, presence of sprit as well as heart, and  bowlfuls of dignity.

=