Dating With Dignity

I celebrated my birthday yesterday.  I turned 44.  And while it was “my day,” it was also one day in a string of many that have included a flurry of graduation celebrations (two of my kids graduated and are attending new schools in the fall), the birthday of my “baby” who turned eight, organizing a trip for seven to Europe, and launching a new part of my business. All glorious things which are the fruits of the creating the life I love — fruits which bring love, as well as stress and responsibilities.

Last night, when I came home in between dropping my teenager at her graaduation party, changing clothes, grabbing the “presents” and heading back to the Pacific Palisades for dinner with my dad, his wife, my step-sister, boyfriend and kids, I walked into the kitchen to find an array of incredible flower arrangements and a package of chocolate covered strawberries — all sent to me by incredible friends, clients and coworkers.  ”Holy Wow,” I thought, almost in tears.

How many years had I only “wished” someone, just even one person, would send me flowers, unappreciative of what I had received or too numb to even notice.

How many years had I built up expectations of what a birthday celebration “should” look like, imagining how my kids were supposed to act?  Frustrated by my former husband and lovers, thinking the plans they made should be better, or different.  Often times I settled, often times I was living in a fantasy, and other times I was simply so disconnected I spent most of the day lost in my thoughts, trapped in my head.

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Earlier this week we discussed the challenges involved in setting boundaries.  The good news is that the clients I have been working the past few days are becoming “Boundary-Setting Rock Stars!”  From not accepting inappropriate behavior and the resultant “we’re not a match chat,” to a parent lovingly telling her teenage son she loves him, but will no longer allow him to speak to her using certain words, these women are taking steps towards creating self love that is boosting their confidence, making them happy, and feeling empowered.

While all this is fabulous, the hours and days after setting the boundary can often be a grueling test of our commitment to self-care and maintaing our dignity.  Here are a few tips and scripts to ensure that when you set a boundary, you are able to enforce it with love, compassion and fierce commitment to YOU:

1.  An effective boundary is one in which YOU are in control of you, and not based on the other person changing his/her behavior. Quite simply, it is not a boundary if you can not enforce it.  For example, if you no longer want to receive text messages or phone calls after ten pm, you would simply ask the man who is calling after 10 to not call you after this time, and then gently let him know you will no longer accept his calls.  Then, of course, you must follow through on your commitment.  Often, when someone is on the receiving end of a boundary they will test you to see if you are sincere. (See number 3 below.)

2.  Be clear. When setting a boundary, make sure you are SPECIFIC and clear when articulating it to the receiver.  Often, if there is room for interpretation, the receiver will take this space and create his or her own version of the boundary, using his/her interpretation as an excuse to wiggle and manipulate.  If the boundary involves someone doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing, and communicate it in a loving and compassion tone.  Setting a boundary does not require “conflict-energy.”  In fact, to be an effective boundary setter, practice using the Dating With Dignity “Combat-Free Communication System” in which you:

• acknowledge the other person’s feelings and state your understanding of his or her position,
• state your needs clearly,
• and, create an opportunity to collaborate with him or her to come to resolve the challenge.

In order to set a firm boundary and articulate it with clarity, you first must be clear on the boundary yourself.  This is a great opportunity to get help from your coach or a supportive friend, to ensure that all the “holes” are filled, and that there is no wiggle room for the receiver.  If you are a person whose “default tendency” when you feel under the gun plummets towards uncertainty and  self-doubt, take time before the conversation to anchor yourself to your values, rights, and long-term goals.

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In the two classes we have running right now, “Breaking Free from Your Romantic Rut,” and “Living Beyond the Rut,” there are more than 35 women embarking on journeys of self-discovery.  One of the most important themes that bubbles to the surface each week is the concept of how to set appropriate boundaries.

For those of you who have that covered, keep in mind that I am not just speaking about telling a guy “no,” when it comes to sex, or asking that he be on time.  I am talking about the types of boundaries that set your stomach a-twitter simply by envisioning the conversation in which you have to say “no,”  face the retaliation, see the look of dismay or have the argument that ensues once you draw the line.  What’s more, consider if these boundary-setting conversations may need to start happening in your life with colleagues, your boss, family members, and even friends.

To help with this delicate concept, I am sharing 5 boundaries that are mostly non-negotiable.  In addition to my “own” list of critical boundaries to set based on several Dating With Dignity High Potential Dating Concepts, I am also gleaning insights from America’s Numero Uno expert on setting boundaries, author Melody Beattie, who released her recent book, “The New Codependency,” in 2009.

1.  We are done saying “yes,” when we mean “no.” In “Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut,” we work diligently to create lists of what we will no longer say “yes” to, and then, as a result, what it means we will say “yes” to.  For example, “I am saying no to getting merely crumbs of attention from men,” and  ”I am saying yes to believing that  my needs are important.”  Get the picture?  In setting effective boundaries, we stop saying yes when we really, truly mean “no.”  Often, words such as “it’s fine,” or “whatever,” escaping from behind your lips in whispered disgust may be a sign you are not setting or enforcing this boundary.

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Remember that movie “Click,” where Adam Sandler just clicks a remote to get to the future or go back in time to do something over, differently?

I often think that is what we wish could happen –

That we could just click a remote and end up in the life we want to have after we did the difficult “work” and made the tough choices.

When the inner voice is telling us to make a change, do something differently, let go of a relationship that isn’t working, or stop hiding behind the comfort and safety of the familiar, we must look at why we are consistently taking the path of least resistance.  We become so used to doing things one way, that we forget there are other options.

Here are a few questions to gauge if you are ready to begin shifting your behaviors and patterns to get better, different results:

1. What are the habits and patterns that appear most frequently in your life? For example, do you procrastinate?  Are you always worrying what people will think?  Do you stay small, and not make your needs known? Or, do you speak out without thinking first?  Make a list of the habits and patterns that appear most frequently when it comes to dating and relationships now to begin creating awareness of what is stopping you from living the life you dream of having.

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Here is the scoop on this week’s Question at Dating With Dignity: How do I establish boundaries and express my needs without causing my guy to “run off,” or think I am too high maintenance?

Ok, the truth is this:  Time isn’t “running out,” but I invite you to act like it is, because often we only act when we think there is an immediate consequence.

The consequence is this:  The longer you play it “cool,” the longer you are allowing yourself to spend time dating men who aren’t looking for what you want — a relationship.

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to decide when your needs are as important as having a date, receiving text messages, or being the one “chosen” for occasional girlfriend privileges.  In fact, in order to attract Mr. Boyfriend Material, it is imperative that you become aware of your needs, set expectations, and hold  men to the boundaries you set.  Why?  Because the truth is that men who are ready for a relationship are looking for a woman who is confident, aware of what she “wants,” and isn’t afraid to communicate these needs. (using respectful, appropriate, and kind communication, of course).

Here are a sample of expectations and needs I have approved as “appropriate.”  Try them on, then create your own list, noticing how it feels when you imagine yourself actually letting go of a man who doesn’t meet your needs.

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There is no such thing as “stuck.” As you may know, at Dating With Dignity I often talk about how we get trapped by language. Here’s the good news. Try this on for size:

In truth, “stuck” is the exact, right space for me to be in, because there are lessons to learn RIGHT HERE, right NOW.

Holy wow!  Imagine my surprise when I discovered this concept a few years ago when pondering why I was unsatisfied, afraid, and confused regarding the status of my relationship with Max, a teacher I had been dating for three months from San Francisco.  Freed from thinking I was like a “truck stuck in the muck,” I invited “stuck” to really seep into my consciousness.  I’m not stuck, I decided.  In fact, this is an opportunity to grow.  This is a new place for me.  If I choose to expand; to move towards the “stuck,” I  will ultimately move closer to what I truly want.

Then, I begin to literally envision myself magnetizing new, unknown information — drawing the lessons I needed to learn from this relationship towards myself.  I asked the “still quiet voice” inside for guidance.

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It was announced today that Jerry Springer is going to be hosting his own dating show        called Baggage.  On the show, the contestants compete for a chance to win a dream date.  Sounds  harmless enough, right?

Well, here’s the catch: The suitors have to reveal all of their faults and eccentricities to their  potential date, represented by a huge suitcase each player is required to bring onstage.  Among the  first contestants: a shoplifter, a woman addicted to psychics, and a control freak.  ugh.

While the contestants chosen will be examples of extreme types of “baggage”, the show’s central  theme is one that we tackle when coaching someone to Date With Dignity.  For many, someone  else’s “baggage” is considered somewhat of a deal-breaker.  Of course, everyone has some, so the  main question becomes this: Exactly how much crap are you lugging around in that suitcase of yours?  Is it a fanny-pack, with a few broken childhood dreams inside, or an entire set with an accompanying bellhop to help you lug it around?

No matter where you fall on the baggage scale, we’ve compiled some tips to help you lighten the load:

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If Valentine’s Day were a person I would be defending her, taking her to lunch to help “pump” her up, and unabashedly wondering why people are avoiding her at all costs.  I mean, geez, she’s just a pink and red Hallmark holiday moment. She doesn’t smell.  Dress weird, or have bad breath.

It seems the truth is, or at least what seems like the truth based on all the email blasts I have been getting from love coaches in the last few days, is that if you are single on this holiday then you should accordingly be depressed, sad, hopeless and bitter.  You should need to take a class to feel better, be mad that the guy you have been casually dating hasn’t “stepped up” to the plate.  If you are in a relationship, you should feel “bad” for putting pressure on your beloved to show up with a bit of romance on Sunday.  In fact, one email I got said that she and her partner were “boycotting” Valentine’s Day because they show love towards one another daily.

STOP the presses.  REALLY, now.  Does Valentine’s Day deserve to be trashed?

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I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.