I celebrated my birthday yesterday.  I turned 44.  And while it was “my day,” it was also one day in a string of many that have included a flurry of graduation celebrations (two of my kids graduated and are attending new schools in the fall), the birthday of my “baby” who turned eight, organizing a trip for seven to Europe, and launching a new part of my business. All glorious things which are the fruits of the creating the life I love — fruits which bring love, as well as stress and responsibilities.

Last night, when I came home in between dropping my teenager at her graaduation party, changing clothes, grabbing the “presents” and heading back to the Pacific Palisades for dinner with my dad, his wife, my step-sister, boyfriend and kids, I walked into the kitchen to find an array of incredible flower arrangements and a package of chocolate covered strawberries — all sent to me by incredible friends, clients and coworkers.  ”Holy Wow,” I thought, almost in tears.

How many years had I only “wished” someone, just even one person, would send me flowers, unappreciative of what I had received or too numb to even notice.

How many years had I built up expectations of what a birthday celebration “should” look like, imagining how my kids were supposed to act?  Frustrated by my former husband and lovers, thinking the plans they made should be better, or different.  Often times I settled, often times I was living in a fantasy, and other times I was simply so disconnected I spent most of the day lost in my thoughts, trapped in my head.

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Hey Dignity Daters! I’m preparing for my workshop tomorrow night in Los Angeles in which I’m collaborating Dr. Theo Kousouli, a chiropractic healer. We are going to dig deep into one of the most frequently asked questions here at Dating With Dignity — a question which I have received a few times from clients the past few days. Here it is:

Q: I want to make changes in my life, but seem paralyzed by fear. I hear voices that say, “I’m not smart enough,” “It’s the best I can do,” or “It’s too hard and scary.” What do I do? Sometimes I feel hopeless?

A: It’s quite horrible when the feelings seem so big, scary and paralyzing. In fact, I remember times in my life where I simply buckled to my knees and heaved giant sobs. Other times, the tears wouldn’t come. Instead, I felt vast amounts of anger, powered by thoughts of revenge, rebellion or hatred. Ultimately, however, I tired of myself. My complaints, the whining, and the same feelings of dread and sadness became monotonous. What, I wondered, could I do that would enable me to really experience joy. Here’s the steps I took, which involved a process we will discuss tomorrow during the workshop at The Beverly Hills Country Club.

1. I learned how to shift my thinking from that of the “victim,” to a place in which I decided to take responsibility for my life. Instead, I became very intentional regarding the specific steps I could take to move into action. What step will you take today to move into action?

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The truth is this, the man (or woman) who you dream of — the one who makes your heart pitter patter, the guy who is still interested weeks later, even though you haven’t had sex, the one who calls the next day, instead of vanishing after telling you he hasn’t had this much fun in years — this guy, will not randomly end up talking to YOU at Starbucks today. Unless, that is, you have done some serious work to prepare yourself for his (or her) arrival.

That said, I hear women and men consistently tell me they are, “ready for a relationship.”  In fact, I said it myself for three years.  I told myself, friends, and family that I was really enjoying myself, having fun dating, but if the “right” guy showed up, I would totally be “open to a relationship.”

Heard that somewhere before?

The truth is, I wasn’t ready.  Not even close.  Here were the signs:

1.  I kept meeting the “wrong” guys. Let’s see, they were nice, good-looking but not wanting to make a commitment.  They were super hot, but too young, too focused on their career or super not interested in dating a divorcee with three kids.  Or, they were really nice but I wasn’t attracted to them for a myriad of reasons.  I went speed dating.  Online dating.  I had a blind date with Chuckie, who my friend’s friend said was  ”successful and amazing.” What she didn’t tell me was that Chuckie would reveal somewhere between the appetizers and entree that he  ”felt sorry” for the stripper he had been recently dating so he gave her $10,000, to help her “get back on her feet.”  Needless to say, Chuckie was not a match.  I met the 43 year old hot  guy (At Starbucks, actually)  who had a foot fetish, which only became clear to me when on our 2nd date he wanted to see my closet.  It wasn’t until I broke it off with the the nice teacher guy  I dated for three months who happened to conveniently live 400 miles away that I realized I was just not ready.  Then, the question became why.

2.  I was really enjoying my independence, something I had never experienced before, and it had become very, very safe. I had been married at 22 years old, a wife for 17 years, and had never before lived independently.  And now, I truly enjoyed being in control of my life, my children, my travel plans, the remote control, my weekends and my bedroom.  I enjoyed deciding when I would exercise. When I would see friends.  And when I would hit an evening yoga class, eat cereal, and watch 10 episodes in a row of “How I Met Your Mother.”  I remembered hearing a friend of mine tell someone she was spending her weekend sans kids traveling to her boyfriend’s parents home on the East Coast to attend a Bar Mitzvah.  I thought, “Holy cow.  This is the last thing I would ever want to do with my weekend.  ick. bleck.  ugh.”  I was not ready.

3.  I began to wonder if I enjoyed my freedom, or was just terrified of losing it. Because I had never before had an interdependent relationship, I began to fear that  it wasn’t that I enjoyed my independence, but that I was mostly afraid of losing it.  I didn’t know if I could mesh “my” life with the life of another person.  I didn’t know if I could still feel strong, secure and love myself if there were a man in my life to shlep the suitcases up the stairs or pump my gas.  I wanted a relationship, or so  I thought, but at what cost to me?  Clearly,  I wasn’t ready.

And then, suddenly, I became ready.

When my mother died it hit me.  Suddenly, I knew the truth.  She had been married to my father for 45 years.   I knew then that although hooking up with hot guys had been fun, and quite frankly developmentally appropriate for a divorcee who married at 22, and that it had been quite empowering to take my three daughters camping in the wilderness solo, this was the ultimate truth; I didn’t want to leave this planet without experiencing these things:

1. true, unconditional love
2. intimacy
3. becoming truly empowered by my vulnerability, and
4. what it would be like to participate in an interdependent partnership.

“Yikes,” I thought.  ”This is a tall order.”   Then I remembered the vision I had created for my life.  A vision I had been working on diligently since December, 2006 when I did the Hoffman Process.  I remembered how hard I had worked to become authentic, real and independent.  And I knew, that the relationship I had with built myself was now secure.  Safe.  I knew that it was now my time to become ready.

What I learned that becoming ready to be in a relationship was a process.  Hard work.  It was a time when I had to dig deep, ask for help. Get support.  And become educated.  I beefed up my investment in coaching and therapy. Attended workshops.  Did my homework.    And then, months and months later, when I had cleared my plate, the Dating Fast in full force, I knew I had truly become ready.

It was three weeks later that I met Jem, The Brit.

So then, are you ready?  Are you willing to go to any lengths–to do the work necessary to become prepared for your Starbucks moment?  Come find out next Tuesday, November 17, at a workshop I’m hosting, “5 Ways to Totally TRANSFORM Your Love Life for 2010.”  Your vision — your relationship –is waiting.  To register go to:

www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=fc72dbb45ef245f1950eb4b6caf796b0&mid=11238FCC-6C84-4640-B4D8-817E72418500&bhcp=1

It’s Monday once again, and that means it’s Q and A Day!   This week’s question came from a dignity dater in Los Angeles who wanted to follow up on something she learned during the incredible tele-class we had last week regarding the art of conversation.  During this class Briddick Webb, from Attractology.com, and I discussed how to flirt using verbal and non-verbal techniques, how to be confident when you approach someone, and guidelines to make sure you are attracting members of the opposite sex with in a dignified manner.  The recap of that class will come in  tomorrow’s blog, but in the meantime,  there was one question we didn’t answer, so here we go…

What type of conversation topics are men inclined to engage in vs. women?

Typically, when men are with men, they will discuss what they are making, fixing or achieving.  Remember, while men are clearly no longer living in caves bringing back the kill, they are still stimulated by discussing topics related to competition, adventure, and achievement. As a result, men typically enjoy  discussing sports, video games, fast cars, and those things that have an element of danger.   It is in talking about these things that they  are able to raise levels of a chemical in their brain called dopamine.  When men experience appropriate dopamine levels they are fulfilled, have energy, and need to spend less time in the “man cave.”  In addition, men are  traditionally more focused on the bottom line, in that they want to know how to resolve a situation. As a result, they are less interested in the complexity of a situation, and only want to know the essential information.  Thus, men would most likely synthesize the incident, break it into small pieces, and then focus on a possible resolution.

Conversely, in a similar situation, a group of women might spend hours discussing the details and complexity of a scenario.  Women will breakdown how it happened,  crave elaborate details about who was involved and what each person was possibly thinking, and then begin to discuss a myriad of possible solutions, elaborating on the pros and cons of each possibility.  According to Georgetown University Professor of Linguistics, Deborah Tannen,  men and women’s differing approaches to conversation begin in childhood.  Tannen states that as children, girls on the playground will choose to sit in small groups and talk whereas boys choose to play in larger activity-based groups.  In addition, Tannen points out that men typically use conversation to show or maintain status.  Women, however, want to remain the same during conversation and use words such as “maybe we could,”  or “is there any way we could,” as to not appear to aggressive.

That said, how does this effect conversation on a date?  Here are a few guidelines:

1.  Engage men by asking them about things that get them excited.  Does he like motorcycles?  Drive one?  Hope to race one someday?  What cool adventures has he had?  Get him to tell you about the trip he took with his buddies to Pakistan.  Or  how he went fishing in the snake river.  Did he risk life and limb hiking in the Grand Canyon during an unexpected snowstorm. Watch as his eyes light up, recounting the details of his adventure.  What’s more, you get to see what things get him excited.  Don’t dive into the details though, pressing him for specifics.  Ask how it turned out, allowing him to get to the exciting finale without too much delay.

2. As a women, make an effort to bring your feminine energy to the date. Stay away from a typically male conversation style in which you appear to “one-up” your date.  He went to Pakistan?  Don’t then, tell the story of how you went to Morocco and suffered far more than he did, enduring sweltering heat and far more horrid conditions. Instead, tell the story,  focus on why it was memorable.  Let him know that you enjoy adventure.  Share details, but don’t linger too long.  Remember, men can get lost in detail.  Keep him interested.  Move to the resolution of the story efficiently.

3. Mix up the type of dates you plan. While sitting in a restaurant conversing is quite comfortable and best matches the conversational style of a woman, remember that men like activity.  Go bowling.  Take a hike.  Drive the bumper cars.  Provide opportunities for the man to engage in conversation while he is active.  It will raise his dopamine levels, thus keeping him interested  and focused on you.

4.  Ask questions. Women love to be with men who are interested in details, active listeners and don’t always try to “fix” a problem or situation she is describing.  Because men are solution-oriented, however, they often want to cut to the chase, provide the solution and be heroic (Heroics raise men’s dopamine levels, making them feel good, but it mostly just makes a woman feel like you want her to stop talking if she hasn’t asked you for your opinion yet.)  Part of listening is merely being a receptive container for the other person’s thoughts and feelings.  Believing that is your job to provide a  ”fix” can often a disservice to the person who is talking.  Just listen.  Be present and ask questions when appropriate.  Be compassionate and empathetic.  If she asks for advice, lend your opinion.  If she doesn’t ask, then ask her directly if she wants your take on the situation.  If not, be supportive.  Give a hug if appropriate, and let her know you care.

It is imperative to remember that men and women’s conversational styles are different.  Be confident, and most importantly,  don’t personalize each thing that your date says.  Instead, a date is the perfect opportunity to practice engaging in “curious conversation,” an interaction in which listening is often more important than talking.

Have more dating questions for next week?  Send them now to datingwithdignity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out the Dating With Dignity events coming to Los Angeles next week.  If you want to increase your confidence, and  learn how to take control of your dating life to get the results YOU want in 2010, make sure you register now for the workshop November 17, “5 Tools to TOTALLY Transform Your Love Life in 2010.”    Event details and registration here:  http://datingwithdignity.com/events/

When it comes to finding love, there is no worse enemy then the romance movie, reality television, and the notion that Prince Charming exists. As little girls we are raised to believe in certain notions of romance, and thus spend the rest of our tweens, teens and adulthood trying to fit our experiences with men into the fantasy relationships on which we feed daily. Who amongst us hasn’t fantasized that maybe we WERE meant to fall in love with our best male friend? Who hasn’t hoped this time, in fact, we will turn out to be like “Gigi,” the character from, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” who discovers that even though she is exceptionally annoying AND inappropriate, the cute guy falls head over heels in love with her. Or, perhaps, maybe you’re just pissed your boyfriend didn’t run down the street in his boxers when you slammed the door, storming out of his apartment pissed as hell.

The Solution

Dating With Dignity is hosting a LIVE Ask the Expert event for men and women who are single or in relationship on Monday, October 12 from 7pm-9pm. Featuring Stanford University’s Manager of Relationship and Sexual Health Programs, Donnovan Somera Yisrael, M.A., this seminar will reveal key secrets you must know to effectively combat media and societal expectations to date successfully in the 21st century.

Somera Yisrael learned through his provocative work that men and women repeatedly engage in risky and counter-productive behaviors due to their unhealthy need to derive feelings of acceptance and love from others. He also discovered, in fact, that these feelings and the resultant behaviors are mostly influenced by the internalized messages people receive about what “rules and roles” they must follow to “catch” and “keep” someone with whom they want to pursue a relationship. From Shakespear to Britney Spears, media creates expectations that lead to frustration, disappointment and no-win situations for those who are trying to find long-term love.

You will also hear the Dating With Dignity point of view as I challenge Somera Yisrael regarding whether or not “game” playing is required to be a successful dater in the 21st century. Is it appropriate to strengthen your femininity to empower men? Should you lower your expectations if, in fact, there is no such thing as Prince Charming? Is it really inevitable to let the passion in your relationship wane?

In addition, this evening will enable you to enjoy company of like-minded singles interested in finding love, an open bar and light appetizers. To register for this incredible thought-provoking evening, go to the events page of this website.

We look forward to seeing you next Monday.

Today at 3pm PCT you have an incredible opportunity to find out if, in fact, there is such thing as a perfect match!

Isn’t every cell in your love-sick bod screaming to know if this is possible? Should you, in some cases, settle for not so perfect? Is chemistry the most important component in choosing a partner for long-term love? I will be doing my Oprah-style interview with Los Angeles’ most successful, hip and insightful matchmakers, Katie and May, who do the one-on-one matching at Catch Matchmaking. The questions we have received thus far are intriguing, and I am looking forward to help you best identify those characteristics that make a good match.

One thing is for certain, the dating process is a truly exciting adventure. While fraught with pebbles, twigs and often boulders, understanding and taking responsibility for walking a path that is most true to your heart will lead to the place you desire.

Go to askcatchmatchmaking.com now to type in your questions. Not available at 3pm today, no worries. A recording of the call will be made available to you soon.

Have a blessed day. See you at 3pm pst.

It has been rockin’ this week at Dating With Dignity! On Tuesday and Wednesday we launched the “8 Weeks to MANifesting Love” Program. The women in these two groups are open, brave, beautiful and FUN. I am blessed to be part of their journey towards finding love. There is much change in store; I will keep you updated here when there are important issues, breakthroughs or questions that come up in the groups.

This week we discussed how Limiting Beliefs, which are things that you accept about life, yourself, or the world, and how it drives what kind of men and women you meet. Here are some examples of common Limiting Beliefs: “Men over 40 only want to date younger women.” Or, “All men/women in LA are superficial.” Or, “If I get into a relationship I will have to lose my independence.” If you believe these thoughts to be true, it is most likely that this is what you will create in your life. But is this what you really want?

What are your Limiting Beliefs? Jot them down. Once you have the list, go through each one and ask yourself these questions:

1. How true is this belief, really?
2. Where did I get this idea from?
3. How has this belief affected me?
4. What action can I take to let go of this belief? How can I put this into action immediately?

I invite you to leave your list of Limiting Beliefs, and the strategies you use to let them go in the comments box at the end of this blog. Those readers who leave at least two Limiting Beliefs/Strategies will earn themselves a 30 minute complimentary telephone coaching session with me! I’m looking forward to your responses.

We also held the first in the series of ASK the Expert teleclasses today. Dating expert David Wygant shared some excellent tips with callers. Take a look at these juicy nuggets:

1. The best places to meet men and women include gourmet and organic food stores (a la Whole Food, Trader Joe’s) a bike path, hiking, and Starbucks. The worst places? you guessed it: Bars and clubs, especially during weekends. If you want to increase your chances of being approached, head out to a local restaurant or coffee shop by yourself. Bring a book, newspaper or your laptop. Don’t wear headphones though, having buds in your ears screams “don’t approach” to potential new friends.

2. If a man introduces sex into the conversation, asks for sexy pictures, or makes innuendos early in a phone call, instant message conversation, or date you can surmise he most likely isn’t looking for a relationship. David reminded callers to trust their intuition. If it feels odd, move on.

3. If you are not certain how a man feels about moving from casual to a relationship, you can be sure he isn’t interested in making a commitment. David repeated what I discussed in an earlier post: When a man is interested in you he will profess (e.g., tell the world you are “his” woman), protect (give you his jacket or walk you to your car) and provide (buy you dinner, fix your sink, or change your lightbulb).

4. Love yourself enough to let go of men who don’t meet your needs.

The next ASK teleclass is Thursday, September 24 with two Matchmaking experts at Catch Matchmaking! Registration information will be posted soon.

I’m off to Sacramento this weekend for continuing education via the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). Will share tomorrow. Until then, peace.

FREE TELECLASS!

ASK EVENT #1:  DAVID WYGANT, expert dating and relationship coach

September 10, 2009

3pm

Register at askdavidwygant.com

We have lots of new programs in the works at Dating With Dignity for September, including the first of several “Ask the Expert” FREE teleclasses on Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 3pm pacific. Just click on the registration webpage (askdavidwygant.com) and type in your specific question for our first expert, Dating Coach and Man Expert, David Wygant. (Check out DavidWygant.com to get an inside look at what David does for men in the world of dating!)

Go to AskDavidWygant.com, type your question, and then mark your calendar for the FREE teleclass on Thursday, September 10 in which David will answer the questions we receive from you.

During this call I get to play “Oprah” and interview David based on your questions, the most commonly asked questions of our Dating With Dignity Man Panelists, plus David to let you in on a few of the inside secrets he’s willing to share with this exclusive teleclass audience!

Have a great day, and a beautiful, blessed week!