Dating With Dignity

Dignity Dating Den Episode #3: How to Set Expectations With Your Guy from marni battista on Vimeo.

Dignity Dating Den Episode 2: Bringin’ Feminine Mojo to Your Date from marni battista on Vimeo.

The Dating Den, September 25, 2009: How to Approach With Confidence from marni battista on Vimeo.

There is much going on behind the scenes at Dating With Dignity to help me fulfill my purpose on this planet, which is to bring more love, light and dignity into the world. Without incredible support from my “behind the scenes” team, it would be difficult for me to share the important tools, strategies and techniques you need to date and participate in relationships successfully. What’s most interesting, and quite honestly, fun, about the team I’ve built, is that they are men. Men who are not only intelligent, respectful, and sensitive, but who date and engage in relationships with dignity. In addition to my number one cheerleader and boyfriend, Jem, there is my Business coach, Mat Boggs, incredibly reliable go-to guy, Aaron, the many Man Panelists I work with who provide COMmentary at Dating With Dignity events, and Jason Miller, the man who is the brilliance behind the vision and execution for making this website come to life.

I intend to introduce them all to you via this blog, and thus today you have the pleasure of getting inside the mind of Jason Miller, Chief Creative Officer of Peaceful Media. Jason has contributed two posts describing how to successfully identify and date “Mr. Elusive.” Mr. Elusive is different from “Mr. Quality Casual,” because he often states he wants a relationship yet isn’t willing to commit to exclusivity. He thrives on girlfriend privileges, often acts the part of boyfriend quite well, but will directly tell you he isn’t comfortable, or ready for commitment. Jason believes, however, that you can engage in a relationship with “Mr. Elusive,” if it is managed properly. I invite your comments.

Read on.

Introducing “Mr. Elusive,” or as Jason refers to himself, the Mountain Unicorn, Mr. Muni.

By Jason Miller | ComMENtary

1. Prepare for Flight

So here’s the scenario…

Loverboy is at your place, enjoying a late breakfast with you, laughing with you, touching you, looking at you in ways for which you’ve been waiting a really, really long time.  You turn around for a minute to make some herbal tea, and, ok, also to hide that big ol’ smile taking over your entirety.

No need to be coy though; Loverboy’s smiling big, too.  He watches you doing your thing, appreciating the way you always smell each of the tea boxes.  He adores your unique peccadilloes and often tells you so.

Then this man who adores you looks out your kitchen window.  He is dreaming of you and himself in the future, together, until the morning light through the alder tree catches his eye. He notices a dark storm cloud hovering over the forested mountain horizon. A new romance has entered his vision and it has nothing to do with the flesh.

Loverboy launches from his chair, folds his half-eaten slice of multi-grain wheat toast covered with marionberry jam into a neat square and stuffs it in his shirt breast pocket, then climbs out of the window into the yard.  A wave of inspiration overcomes him as he gazes at a vibrant rainbow that appears to have sprung from the earth just ten feet away from your window. Without a sound, he strips off his clothing, tosses his belongings into the bushes (except for the toast – he holds on to that), and gallops up into the mountains to seek the other end of the rainbow.

Naturally, you’re left wondering a few things:

a) Why he left;

b) When he’ll return;

c) What did I do wrong?

d) Why do I date frickin’ Mountain Unicorns?

Answers:

a) He felt a deep longing for something inexplicable (note: said “something inexplicable” is 99.9% sure to be something besides another human being);

b) When he’s exhausted his desire to find the other end of the rainbow;

c) Nothing.  I’m serious!  Nothing.

d) For the same reason that you like surprise parties? Wait for it…wait for it…SURPRISE!!

Note to self: Munis chase rainbows, not women.

What’s confusing here is that sometimes you are the rainbow. You know those days where he’s irresistibly loving and charming and emotionally connected with you?  That day, that week, that month, maybe even that full year, you are the rainbow.  You and, sometimes more importantly, the ideals that you represent – love, soul spelunking, vulnerability, nurturing, validation (huge, btw), devotion, shared growth, shared meaning – are all that he is seeking.

The beginning of a Muni romance is heavenly, intoxicating, and misrepresentative.  When Muni decides that you are his rainbow to chase, he falls for you quickly and without compromise. Enraptured by the feelings and sudden rush of finding the end of a rainbow (you), he shares his heartfelt “I love you” much earlier than you’d normally be comfortable with, but “this time it feels like it’s so right”.  His openness, his eyes adoring you at all times, all of his behavior patterns come together to give you conviction: I’ve found the man of my dreams. The only thing you’re still trying to figure out is how the heck this guy could have possibly stayed single for as long as he did.

Note to self: You are the rainbow today. Tomorrow, just a woman he loves.

“In contrast to the times when you were energetically with me, connected to me and us, your moments of unavailability felt as if you were kicking me in the stomach.”

~ A Woman I Loved

It broke my heart to hear it, lying there next to this dear woman I’d loved so deeply.  We’d been broken up for about a year, which seemed to be the right amount of time to finally discover the words to explain our decisions to separate.  Our relationship had lasted about a year and a half, but the last few months of it seemed to be hit or miss and, ultimately, the contrast was too sharp for her to bear and too mysterious for me to fix.

Hit or miss. It’s a common trait of the Muni man.  (…Or woman.  I’ve recently recognized that Mountain Unicorns are open to all genders…more on this later!)  It’s never that we’re “bad” to you – we don’t get angry much, we don’t yell at you, we hate to hurt you – it’s just that we’re not always around to be “good”.  And that, as you know, is maddening.

On one hand, we can be so dang phenomenal at putting you on the pedestal and showing you how much we care.  In these moments, you are the treasure on the other side of the rainbow.  Your happiness and our connection is all we seek.  My good God it feels great and it feels right and it feels like it could never, ever go away. Ever.

On the other hand, you have to realize Mountain Unicorn is a Seeker.  He (or she) will eventually require an adventure into the unknown, a foray into the dark, forested regions of his heart and soul, in order to quench his deepest thirsts.

If you’re a self-respecting woman, you’re probably asking yourself: Why in the world would any woman put up with this pumpkin pie nonsense? Trust me, Muni asks himself the same thing.  And it’s questions like this that give reason for his distinct dating phases – multi-year jaunts of celibacy, multi-month fascinations with hyper-dating or makeout banditting or lovemaking, multi-week revisitations to old loves (if only in his mind), etc. These phases, coincidentally, are again just rainbows, ideals that he figures need to be, have to be, are simply required to be (by the laws of nature!) flushed out and experienced.  All this so that he can know himself and live a mantra so wonderfully and simply quoted as so:

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

~ Thoreau

Like Henry D., Muni is an idealist. His ideal is to be true, and he’ll do everything he can to not compromise on this, even break up with you despite the fact that he loves you wholeheartedly.  He does not feel like he can give you his truth unless he knows it thoroughly and resoundingly for himself.  This is why he chases rainbows.

So, lesson #1: Prepare yourself for Muni’s hit or miss flightiness. Rule #1: Be aware.  He may not be able to communicate what’s going on with his confusing friend, Mr. Heart, but that doesn’t mean you have to be unaware.  When you are aware of the Mountain Unicorn’s ways, his pullback will feel less like a kick in the stomach, perhaps more like a pinch in the arm.

And, of course, any Dating With Dignity woman always asks herself: Is it worth it? I’m a Muni, and I’ve been told it’s not.  To that, I can only say: Thank you for giving me truth.

This lesson in Muni-dating is about opening awareness to the Mountain Unicorn way.  In the next article for Dating with Dignity, I’ll give you the most important asset you’ll need in order to create a loving, workable relationship with a Muni.

…TO BE CONTINUED.

About the Author:

Jason Miller is the co-creator of the documentary film and non-fiction book, “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages”. (www.projecteverlasting.com)  Born March 2^nd, 1978, he is an avid member of the Mountain Unicorns! Foundation (MUF).

By Jason Miller | ComMENtary

Marni calls him Murse.  In your own dating life, you’ve known him as Mr. Elusive.  That, or simply “WTF? I don’t get this dude”.

But let’s give this man-with-the-most-complicated-heart-since-the-old-testament-version-of-God a Dating With Dignity malias (pronounced: male-lee-us): I introduce to you The Mountain Unicorn.

Muni, for short.

Here’s the short sum on the Muni archetype: he’s the penultimate Seeker.  Characterized by Tristan (Brad Pitt) in Legends of the Fall, he refers to his heart in the 3^rd person.  He resonates with Tristan so thoroughly, in fact, that a true-blue Muni will often borrow a line from the film to attempt a reason for his need to go chase the rainbow over the hill: “the grizzly inside is calling”.

Let’s talk percentages: Muni is 100% male, 100% into females. Muni is 100% loving, 100% extroverted, and 100% introverted (depends on the day).  He’s 100% genuine, 100% take-home-to-mom-and-pops-able, and 50% resistant to any form of emotional accountability.  Yes, an even 50% on that last one.  Hence, the petals game: He loves me, he loves me not…

But here’s the truth of the matter – and this is key, my friendly woman reader – the Mountain Unicorn we call Muni does in fact love you.  He does!  The problem is, you expect his love to fit the mold of all those other relationships you’ve experienced.

Note to self: Muni men by their very nature do not fit in molds.

Before we get into how to deal with this unique creature, let’s first examine how to discern whether or not you’re attempting to be with a Muni.  Yes, I give you the official Muni quiz:

• Does the guy refer to his heart in the 3^rd-person?
• Has the guy’s 3^rd person “Heart” done a 180 on you roughly six hundred times?
• When “Heart” does the 180, does he say (rather convincingly, rather emphatically, rather sincerely) that he’s just as confused about his behavior as you are?
• Does he adore nature?  (As in, sometimes you wonder if he loves the tree he’s hugging more than he does you…)
• Is he honest by default?  (As in, you don’t ever have a choice – you’re going to get it exactly as he feels it?)
• Does he use the word “feel” roughly 10x more than any other straight guy you’ve met/dated?
• Is he a Pisces?  Is his Chinese horoscope animal a horse? (Both, you say? Seek counseling.)
• Has he ever used any of the following phrases: “I love you, but I can’t do this right now”, “I know this sounds cliché, but this honestly has nothing to do with you…it’s all me”, or “I can’t figure my heart out…it’s so flighty, so unpredictable”?
• Does he need a ton of space?
• When he’s in your space, is he ton-bit needy?
• Do some of your friends describe him as “curious”, “random”, or “melodramatic”?
• Is he pretty much the least jealousy-oriented dude you’ve ever dated?
• Are a good chunk of his turn-ons ass-backwards from anything you’ve experienced with other guys?
• On your first date, did he openly confide to you (whilst shaking his head and looking deeply into the bread basket): “My heart is complicated.”  (Follow up question: Did you think he was kidding?)

Ok, so here’s the deal: If you answered yes to at least half of the quiz, then yea though I walk through the valley of Muni, you have yourself a unicorn to catch.

Note to self: Mountain Unicorns cannot be caught…not in the traditional sense, at least.

Are you involved with a Muni Man?  Don’t worry, my next edition of the ComMENtary will break down The 3 Rules for Engaging a Mountain Unicorn (with Favorable Results)

…TO BE CONTINUED.

About the Author:

Jason Miller is the co-creator of the documentary film and non-fiction book, “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages”. (www.projecteverlasting.com)  Born March 2^nd, 1978, he is an avid member of the Mountain Unicorns! Foundation (MUF).

It has been rockin’ this week at Dating With Dignity! On Tuesday and Wednesday we launched the “8 Weeks to MANifesting Love” Program. The women in these two groups are open, brave, beautiful and FUN. I am blessed to be part of their journey towards finding love. There is much change in store; I will keep you updated here when there are important issues, breakthroughs or questions that come up in the groups.

This week we discussed how Limiting Beliefs, which are things that you accept about life, yourself, or the world, and how it drives what kind of men and women you meet. Here are some examples of common Limiting Beliefs: “Men over 40 only want to date younger women.” Or, “All men/women in LA are superficial.” Or, “If I get into a relationship I will have to lose my independence.” If you believe these thoughts to be true, it is most likely that this is what you will create in your life. But is this what you really want?

What are your Limiting Beliefs? Jot them down. Once you have the list, go through each one and ask yourself these questions:

1. How true is this belief, really?
2. Where did I get this idea from?
3. How has this belief affected me?
4. What action can I take to let go of this belief? How can I put this into action immediately?

I invite you to leave your list of Limiting Beliefs, and the strategies you use to let them go in the comments box at the end of this blog. Those readers who leave at least two Limiting Beliefs/Strategies will earn themselves a 30 minute complimentary telephone coaching session with me! I’m looking forward to your responses.

We also held the first in the series of ASK the Expert teleclasses today. Dating expert David Wygant shared some excellent tips with callers. Take a look at these juicy nuggets:

1. The best places to meet men and women include gourmet and organic food stores (a la Whole Food, Trader Joe’s) a bike path, hiking, and Starbucks. The worst places? you guessed it: Bars and clubs, especially during weekends. If you want to increase your chances of being approached, head out to a local restaurant or coffee shop by yourself. Bring a book, newspaper or your laptop. Don’t wear headphones though, having buds in your ears screams “don’t approach” to potential new friends.

2. If a man introduces sex into the conversation, asks for sexy pictures, or makes innuendos early in a phone call, instant message conversation, or date you can surmise he most likely isn’t looking for a relationship. David reminded callers to trust their intuition. If it feels odd, move on.

3. If you are not certain how a man feels about moving from casual to a relationship, you can be sure he isn’t interested in making a commitment. David repeated what I discussed in an earlier post: When a man is interested in you he will profess (e.g., tell the world you are “his” woman), protect (give you his jacket or walk you to your car) and provide (buy you dinner, fix your sink, or change your lightbulb).

4. Love yourself enough to let go of men who don’t meet your needs.

The next ASK teleclass is Thursday, September 24 with two Matchmaking experts at Catch Matchmaking! Registration information will be posted soon.

I’m off to Sacramento this weekend for continuing education via the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). Will share tomorrow. Until then, peace.

There is something interesting about the guy in my life who prefers to be called “Mountain-Metro,” yet carries a “Murse,” (the official name of the man-purse). Several years ago, while still spinning in the vortex of Lost Girl hell, I reconnected with Murse through a mutual friend. At 43, Murse still has the hot thing going on big time. He is one hundred percent muscle. When you combine his steady diet of yoga, plus the 100 or so miles per week he logs on his custom-designed bikes, the end result is a twelve-pack plus much more. His ass is well….ridiculous. His biceps brilliant. When combined with Murse’s most tantalizing feature- incredible crystalline blue eyes, Murse is lethal.

Too add spice to his sizzle, Murses lives in Arizona, and is also someone I went to high school with. Now, before your hearts get all atwitter at this possible Classmates.com success story, let me tell you that Murse is the prototype for guys who date “Lost Girls” -a Lost Girl is a woman who may have outgrown the string of one-night-stands, but just can’t seem to shake the “No Dignity Dating” rituals that produce the same result – falling crazy in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. Six months down the road, while the Lost Girl’s still putting out, he’s told her point blank he isn’t ready to commit. Yet still, the Lost Girl wonders, “Why…why isn’t he my boyfriend?

I spent my first evening with Murse laughing, reminiscing and listening to 70s music, with friends from high school. As I was in a relationship with JohnnyLock, ex-boyfriend, Lost Girl “love –of-my life,” I rebuffed Murse’s charming advances, despite the blue eyes and killer abs. Since then, like the tide, the relationship has ebbed and flowed.

When I returned to Phoenix for Spring Break the following year, the relationship with JohnnyLock had come to its devastating conclusion. Still stinging from John’s rejection, I “sexted” (sex texted) Murse eagerly, thus initiating the hook-up phase of my relationship with Murse. It was simple. When I came to Phoenix we met for drinks, laughed, and hooked up. Despite his invitations to stay the night, I would always leave though, unable to quiet my mind, the harsh grumble of his snoring torture. I had no interest in cuddling, nor the romanticism of the sleepover, and as a veteran Lost Girl, I knew waking at my house was critical to maintaining emotional distance. The relationship was perfect, until one Thanksgiving weekend, when Murse invited me to drinks with friends. Engaged in conversation, I noticed Murse’s head turn.

Uh oh.

Murse had locked eyeballs with the blonde a few feet away, a cute teacher he recognized from his daughter’s school. He turned to greet her. They hugged. I stood for a moment, waiting. Watching to see if the conversation would end. It didn’t.

I was hurt.

We didn’t have an exclusive arrangement, yet I was furious. I abruptly left the restaurant, halting communication with Murse for two years.

Last Thanksgiving, one month after my mother died, I texted Murse while driving on the 10 Freeway. Destination Phoenix.
“I’m in town,” I wrote.

Minutes later the phone rang from its spot on the console. It was Murse.

“I thought you were mad at me,” he said, his voice rising as he waited for my response.

“Bygones,” I replied. “People change….and, it has, after all, been two years.

Then, beyond my expectations of someone such as Murse, a man who typically feasts on Lost Girls for lunch, Murse apologized.

“I’m glad you called,” he said. “Really glad. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have ditched you that night. I’m sorry. I like you….I would like to see you.”

“Hmmm,” I replied, slightly confused by his apology. Then, I remembered the way his laughter made the corners of his eyes crinkle, the fact that we grew up in the same town, and those damn abs.

“Let’s hang out. Call me when you get in,” he said. “We’ll hike with the kids.”

Hmmm. Hiking wasn’t hooking up. And thus, the relationship with Murse took a new turn, shifting from ebb to flow. Murse invited me to dinner with mutual friends at a quaint restaurant in Scottsdale. We drank wine. Ate dinner. Shared appetizers. Laughed. Connected. We talked about raising daughters. Divorce. Struggling with our fears of losing independence while in a relationship. Murse enjoyed my company, it was clear. He invited me to hike the next day, planning an incredible afternoon of exploring the desert. Plans which included his daughter, my dad and my three daughters. After the hike, Murse took us to a café nestled in the red rocks. More laughter. Connection. Murse was into me. The next morning he called at 7:00 am inviting me to yoga. We did asanas, sweating side by side, and when class finished, Murse invited me to lunch. It seemed I was dating Murse. In fact, I had spent more time with him then anyone I had dated in Los Angeles.
Nevertheless, I was conscious. Aware. During these dates Murse frequently discussed his fear of commitment. His love of life as a single man. Freedom. The joy of riding hours and hours on his bike up into the desert mountains without having to worry about who or what he had left behind. It felt good to be with Murse, despite these conversations. It felt good to be pursued. It felt good to be with someone who shared common interests.

I left Arizona in November, unsure of where I stood with Murse. He called me frequently, but one thing became clear as the months progressed. I was looking for a relationship. And Murse, he was not. We spoke less often, as I intentionally moved Murse to the back burner of my consciousness. In December he called to wish me happy holidays. I thought about him again, but then quickly cast aside the fantasy Murse was interested in a relationship.

In April I returned to Phoenix. I had told Murse I was coming to visit, he was eager to spend time with me. We had dinner together, my dad and his girlfriend watching the kids as we went for drinks afterwards. Then he asked me to dinner. A date.

Or was it? He left the choice to me. I texted him.

“I might wear makeup tonite.

Might not even wear the oversized sweatshirt,” I wrote.

“Hmmm,” he replied. “Sweatshirt means we are just friends. Alternative = date. Your call.”

It was my call. Despite my certainty that Murse is not interested in a relationship, I decided I would wear makeup, ditch the big clothes and clumsy hiking shoes I had been wearing each time we were together. I considered my clothes carefully. Black boots. Short skirt with black tights. Plaid cap. Earrings.

When Murse came to get me he was shocked, pleased and smiled brilliantly. He made small talk with my family, as if he had been part of our clan for years. As we prepared to leave he gave me a gift; a small compass to put on my keychain.

“It’s so you never get lost,” he said. “Wherever you go.”

Tucking the compass into my purse, we drove to the dark wine bar where he shared stories of his past. Difficult childhood. His struggles with how it still impacts his life. His realization that until he tackles this hurt he may never be able to love someone with fervor. His realization that perhaps it isn’t his love of cycling that prevents him from making a commitment. Perhaps it is his fear of having to take care of someone like his father, his exwife. The people whom he had loved that had needed him too much. He opened his heart. I walked in. The date continued. Sushi. Ice cream. Walking hand in hand through Old Town Scottsdale. At midnight he took me home.

“This is a date,” Murse said. “And so it will end properly.”

Walking me to the door, he gently kissed me goodbye.

It had been the perfect date.

For the next few weeks, Murse called often. He came forward when he sensed I might be pulling away. But like I had been with Rockstar, this former Lost Girl wasn’t being manipulative. I was busy. Bat Mitzvah. Launching a website. Planning a seminar.

Two weeks later Murse came to LA. We both were too conflicted to admit he was in town just to visit me. I had already made plans for most of the weekend, I would make time to see him Saturday. I didn’t want to change plans for him. He didn’t want to intrude, he said. “No worries.” It was just a relaxing weekend in LA. Nevertheless, Murse phoned on Thursday when he arrived in town.

“Can you squeeze me in…. lunch?” asked Murse.

We then spent Saturday together as planned. Again, we laughed. Yoga. More connection. Shopped on the promenade.
On our drive back to change for dinner, we discussed whether or not we would sleep together. He had been thinking about it. I had been thinking about it. I had decided I would not have sex with him. I knew to do this would involve emotions. Expectations. Expectations Murse could not live up to.

“Girlfriends go away,” Murse said, putting his hand on mine, the conversation building. “I don’t want you to ever go away. I want you in my life always. We shouldn’t sleep together.”

Murse had taken the offensive, throwing a wrench in my plan. He had decided we would not have sex. He was being mature. Responsible. His confession proved that despite his flirtations, our connection with each other, Murse was holding to his truth; the truth that he is incapable of making a commitment to relationship.

Arriving at home, I told Murse to shower first. He undressed, revealing everything – revealing those abs.

I was conflicted. Aroused. Confused. Walking into my closet, it dawned on me. For months, I had considered Murse as someone with whom I could possibly have a serious relationship. When he lived in this category, I could not have sex with him.
The water running, Murse’s silhouette moving quietly behind the beveled glass shower door, I began to think. Realistically. Clearly, Murse was not in this category. I was adept at putting men into their proper category, and there have been many who have shifted into the “friends with benefits” category, on their way towards “just friends.” I knew then my relationship with Murse was headed this way. I didn’t need to withhold sex from Murse to determine if he was in it for the duration. He wasn’t. Of this I was sure.

The tide had gone out, ebbing as we had hooked up. And now, it had come back in. There was no future in Murse.

It was time to simply ride the wave. I took off my robe, opened the shower door, and shook out my hair.

“Hey Murse,” I said.

There is this element of maturity that requires knowing when to say yes and when it is best to say no, even when it is the last thing I want to do. Clearly, the big guy upstairs has some message for me in this area, as I have been getting plenty of opportunities to practice being the one who has to put on the brakes. When it comes to knowing when to stop myself from pursuing the great relationship with the wrong guy, saying no initially feels plain bad. Even though it is clearly the right thing to do.

I spent an incredible evening with Murse that night. We shared soup. A Caesar Salad. Orange Roughy. We walked Main Street holding hands. We shared pumpkin pie under twinkle lights, sipping tea. We laughed. Connected. We did what we do.
Upon returning home that evening, Murse crawled into bed, and lay on his stomach. He mumbled.

“Tired. Yoga…killed me.”

I had ridden the Murse wave til it’s end. No more sex with Murse. Murse knew, like me, that he needed to shut down. Protect himself. Protect me.

As I watched him doze off, I realized it was time to put on the brakes. Put away the fantasy that Lost Girls’ will hold on to forever. I am no longer Lost, however. I know when it was time to say goodbye to Murse, say yes to friends.

I have been collecting friends lately. Saying goodbye to Rock Star. Smart Guy. Murse. What’s more important, however, is when I am dating with dignity there are less resentments, hurts and dramatic endings. And so I continue.

Because this is dating.

Dating with Dignity.