I seem to always have a few clients who can’t seem to leave a relationship when the man with whom they are in a “Rut” is a “Cry Baby.”  Often referred to as the “sensitive type,” the Cry Baby is so attentive, sweet and connected when he is with you, yet when he is out of sight it feels most definitely that you are “out of mind.”

On Thursday, during the “Identifying the Men In The MANimal Species” workshop on May 6th in Los Angeles, I will reveal how to repel Mr. Cry Baby so that you can begin to magnetize Boyfriend Material. For now, however, let’s begin with a review.

The “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) Assessment identifies the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into your dating experiences. In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful you may have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into your life — MANimals who are not relationship-ready!

While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.

As I mentioned to the two clients with whom I did D-Factor Assessment Coaching Debriefs last week, the truth is this: this stuff is unconscious. It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.

The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks! And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.

Let’s put on our imaginary special 3-D MANimal glasses for a few minutes now, and SEE exactly what the Cry Baby is thinking? What does he truly believe? What are his fears? His hangups? And how his actions are merely reflections of his deep, unconscious thoughts?

The Typical Cry Baby “D-Factor”

The Cry Baby will most likely have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired make look like this:

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As part of the research I am doing in preparation for “Identifying the Men In The MANimal Species” workshop on May 6th in Los Angeles, I have been playing detective, and truly getting into the mix of the WHO behind each of the MANimal species. As part of my work I am consistently assessing the “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) of my clients to identify the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into their dating experiences.  In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful they have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into their lives — MANimals who are not relationship-ready!

While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.

The truth is this:  this stuff is unconscious.  It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.

Guess what?  The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks!  And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if you had special 3-D MANimal glasses that enabled you to SEE exactly what each MANimal is thinking?  What he truly believes?  His fears?  His hangups?  And why his actions are merely reflections of these deep, unconscious thoughts?

Now, for the first time, I am revealing the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” (TFB) of each MANimal.  Today, we will begin with a close look at “The Hunter.”

The  Typical Hunter “D-Factor”

The Hunter will most likely  have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default  tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired make look like this:

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Happy Wednesday Dignity Daters! I am blessed to be enjoying vacation with my boyfriend, The Brit, my dad and his fiance. and my three daughters in Maui for the next several weeks.  That said, in an effort to be present with my family, I am excited to let you know that an incredible community of nationally recognized experts, Dating With Dignity fans, and Man Panelists will intermittently be contributing guest blogs while I am on vacation.  To kick things off, I would like to introduce you now to to the first of these blogs written by David Shade, nationally recognized sex and relationship expert.  David is the author of the acclaimed book, “Select Women Wisely,” and is currently writing “Select Men Wisely,” for which I am authoring one chapter.

Enjoy, happy holidays and Aloha!

After my nine year marriage ended in 1992, I was determined to find out what I had done wrong. Why did my marriage fail?
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For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.