Dating With Dignity

I am back at Dating With Dignity after a nearly four week hiatus traveling in Europe.  I was traveling with my three daughters ages, 14.5, 12, and 8, plus my partner of 18 months, The Brit.  We have all travelled together before, including three weeks in Hawaii, what seems like a zillion long weekends in Scottsdale, Arizona and Napa, California, as well as a two week trek through the Northwest and Canada last summer.

I had nothing but HUGE expectations for this trip, and never for a moment intended it would be anything less than perfect.  And that, my dear friends, was my BIGGEST mistake.

Perfect?  What the hell is perfect, anyway?

After all,  who is “perfect?”  What trip is ever  ”perfect?”  What accommodations are “perfect?”  What weather is “perfect?”  Nothing, I might have realized before leaving, would be perfect.

Yet, despite my advanced training and professional accolades, when the “shit hits the fan,” and I am under stress, I  consistently struggle with wanting to categorize everything into TWO categories — For example, a person is “In” or “Out.”  A situation is “Good or Bad.”  In fact, because of this tendency to think in terms of only “black” or “white,” and demanding nothing less than “perfect” I spent much time during my hiatus reminding myself to live, “in the question mark.”

What is the Question Mark?

I like to use imagery to help clients (and myself) understand what life is like when lived “in the question mark.”  Imagine then, if you will, the two extreme options.  For example, the man I am dating is “in”  – meaning he is “the one,” or he is “out,” meaning I must break up with him immediately.  If I choose to live in the “question mark,” however, I am standing smack dab in the middle of both these extreme options.

What, though, does it feel like to BE, to LIVE  life in the question mark?  Here’s how to experience those feelings so that you can begin to go there effortlessly when you feel yourself heading down the path of “either/or”  black and white thinking

1.  Think of  a situation or person you might typically categorize into either “bad” or “good.”

2.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself standing at a crossroads with two distinct road signs pointing in opposite directions.  One sign reads “in,” or whatever extremely positive category you choose, while the other sign reads “out,” or the opposite of the other sign.

3.  Walk towards the positive alternative — this is the road that will lead you to the “good” feelings, and then experience these positive feelings completely.  Feel into experiences, thoughts or actions that create these “good” feelings. Pause here for 30 seconds, feeling these positive feelings completely without judgement.

4.  Now, walk towards the negative alternative — the road that will lead you to the “bad” feelings.  Then, feel into the experiences, thoughts or actions that can create these “bad” feelings.  Again, pause for 30 seconds to feel into the feelings completely without judgement.

5.  Walk back to the crossroads.  How does it feel standing there, in neutral territory?  I know that for me when I stand in this place it can feel completely foreign.  I feel “out of control,” and often it’s because in the “question mark” I don’t know how I am “supposed” to feel.  It can be SO strange because in this place — in the question mark — there is no definitive answer.  It is purely the experience of simply BEING.

During my trip to Europe I put myself in the question mark often — especially when my kids were arguing or I was frustrated with The Brit.  Reflecting now, I can’t believe how often I found myself fantasizing the options or outcomes that were  the result of  choosing to see an experience as either black or white.  For example, I either want to marry The Brit tomorrow, or break up with him tonight.  I am NEVER taking my kids on a trip again, or I am planning next summer’s trip across American in an RV and hoping I can have them for 3 weeks instead of 2 1/2.  Ultimately, I was able to get to the question mark without much grief or frustration, and begin to simply experience EVERYTHING without judgement. What a joy it was to live in this beautiful yet slightly uncomfortable place!

Life in the question mark is neither black or white.  It is GREY.

Life in the question mark requires simply being. Life in the question mark means experiencing life without judgement.  Life in the question mark requires that I shift my focus from “the destination” to the journey itself.

And so it is the journey …the process… the learning…and being able to experience moments of sheer joy, frustration, or even anger… that becomes just as important as “the date,” you might go on next weekend, as seeing the Eiffel Tower, walking by the Thames, or viewing Michaelangelo’s  ”The David” in all it’s magnificence.

Let go of “perfect,” check out GREY today and see what life is like when it’s YOUR Fall color.  I can’t wait to hear how it goes…

P.S. If you have a tendency towards “black or white” thinking and are curious what other limiting thoughts, beliefs and actions might be stifling your love life, make sure to take the “D-Factor” Date-ability Assessment ASAP and work with me directly to create YOUR plan for change now!

In the two classes we have running right now, “Breaking Free from Your Romantic Rut,” and “Living Beyond the Rut,” there are more than 35 women embarking on journeys of self-discovery.  One of the most important themes that bubbles to the surface each week is the concept of how to set appropriate boundaries.

For those of you who have that covered, keep in mind that I am not just speaking about telling a guy “no,” when it comes to sex, or asking that he be on time.  I am talking about the types of boundaries that set your stomach a-twitter simply by envisioning the conversation in which you have to say “no,”  face the retaliation, see the look of dismay or have the argument that ensues once you draw the line.  What’s more, consider if these boundary-setting conversations may need to start happening in your life with colleagues, your boss, family members, and even friends.

To help with this delicate concept, I am sharing 5 boundaries that are mostly non-negotiable.  In addition to my “own” list of critical boundaries to set based on several Dating With Dignity High Potential Dating Concepts, I am also gleaning insights from America’s Numero Uno expert on setting boundaries, author Melody Beattie, who released her recent book, “The New Codependency,” in 2009.

1.  We are done saying “yes,” when we mean “no.” In “Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut,” we work diligently to create lists of what we will no longer say “yes” to, and then, as a result, what it means we will say “yes” to.  For example, “I am saying no to getting merely crumbs of attention from men,” and  ”I am saying yes to believing that  my needs are important.”  Get the picture?  In setting effective boundaries, we stop saying yes when we really, truly mean “no.”  Often, words such as “it’s fine,” or “whatever,” escaping from behind your lips in whispered disgust may be a sign you are not setting or enforcing this boundary.

Read the rest of this entry →

Here is the scoop on this week’s Question at Dating With Dignity: How do I establish boundaries and express my needs without causing my guy to “run off,” or think I am too high maintenance?

Ok, the truth is this:  Time isn’t “running out,” but I invite you to act like it is, because often we only act when we think there is an immediate consequence.

The consequence is this:  The longer you play it “cool,” the longer you are allowing yourself to spend time dating men who aren’t looking for what you want — a relationship.

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to decide when your needs are as important as having a date, receiving text messages, or being the one “chosen” for occasional girlfriend privileges.  In fact, in order to attract Mr. Boyfriend Material, it is imperative that you become aware of your needs, set expectations, and hold  men to the boundaries you set.  Why?  Because the truth is that men who are ready for a relationship are looking for a woman who is confident, aware of what she “wants,” and isn’t afraid to communicate these needs. (using respectful, appropriate, and kind communication, of course).

Here are a sample of expectations and needs I have approved as “appropriate.”  Try them on, then create your own list, noticing how it feels when you imagine yourself actually letting go of a man who doesn’t meet your needs.

Read the rest of this entry →

I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

Read the rest of this entry →

it’s a common question, “What should I do?”  You ask your mom, best friend, therapist or a teacher.  Where did it start, this asking a question without really defining the question.  Remember this routine?  As a child in elementary school you would shuffle up to your teacher, eyes pointed down. “I don’t get it,” you would mumble, hoping for the quick answer; an easy fix.  She would respond, perhaps asking you to clarify, “What’s your question?” she’d say. “Hmmm…That’s the damn question for which you most likely didn’t have an answer. It was so much easier, faced with overwhelm, to simply do the shuffle, crease your forehead and look confused  Again, you would ask, pausing this time.  ”Ummmm…I don’t get it,” you’d say once more.

As an adult, you still may not get it sometimes.  But  when faced with challenges now, you ask a different question, still desperate, however, for direction and guidance.

“What should I do?” you ask.

Today, a client called to ask this question.  He was regretting a break up and wanted nothing more than for his ex to take him back, trusting that the previous year filled with make-ups and break-ups was just a simple mistake.  ”What should I do,”  he asked.  ”What can I say to get her to take me back?”  Of course, you could imagine that as a Life Coach I seldom tell someone “what to do.”  Occasionally, I may dish out some “best advice,” but mostly I answer that question with this doozy; this piece of information designed to help the one who is asking the questions to ask a better, more specific question.

Instead of, “what should I do,”  I tell clients to ask themselves, “What’s the next step I could take today?”  This approach requires that one break the answer down into baby steps — ask the Universe,  his “Higher Power,” or God, perhaps, for little pieces of internal wisdom that can act as a flashlight, providing the guidance necessary to see just a few yards in front of his face.

Ask yourself, “What is the next step I could take today?”  The answer will come in the form of small, measurable steps. What’s now required is faith that taking this step, following intuition and listening to the quiet voice within will provide the direction that is required to maintain forward motion.  Want more information?   Learn to ask more specific questions — not of your friends, mentors or coach, but of yourself.  Clear away the clutter to gain access to your internal wisdom.  Develop a practice to connect to this wisdom consistently through yoga, meditation, a brisk walk, or simply staying still during your morning shower.

Ask.  The answer will come.  Perhaps you won’t receive the BIG answer — the one that will tell you what the future holds. Most likely, my client didn’t get an answer to his question such as “break up.”  ”Make up.”  Or, “she’s THE ONE.”  However, through the empowering questions I did ask him, he came up with a strategy for today — an answer for the question he had regarding his next step. Most important, the answer didn’t come from me.  It came from within him.

Ask yourself.  Be still.  Listen, and then know that sometimes a flashlight is exactly what you need to stay on your feet, moving forward, one step at a time.

It seems that letting go of a relationship, especially when the person meets 75% -80% of your needs, is a challenge.  Men and women constantly ask me what is the “right” way to break up?  Should they have “break-up” sex, can they be just  ”friends,” should they talk on the phone regularly?  Or, should they just sever ties  –  make a clean break?  While I have specific advice on this topic, be assured that I have had vast experience with breaking up.  Prior to doing the work I did in creating the Dating With Dignity 10-Steps to Manifesting Love  I had a horrific time letting go of a relationship with a man who wasn’t a match.  In fact, he wasn’t someone who ultimately made me feel good about myself.  However, the hope and promise of what it might be  – if he changed — kept me coming back for more.  I hoped.  I prayed. And, while I tried desperately to be “just friends,” I was so completely attracted to him that it was hard not to think about connecting with him physically.  I tried clean breaks too, but during those periods he would send emails, call or just reach out telling me he missed me, and wanted just to talk.  These messages hit my weakest spots, making me  temporarily feel worthy, loveable and wanted.  Of course, even after weeks of  successfully not talking, I acquiesced and made contact.  The bottom line?  It took me more than 18 months to let go of a relationship that should have ended just six months after it began.  During this” on and off again” period I mourned, tried to date other people, and went out with friends.  Mostly, though, I pined for him, dreaming that “one day,” he would recognize my awesome-ness and come back begging to be with me.  What was most sad about being in this limbo state of being for me, was the fact that during this time I never focused on how I had been treated poorly, accepting merely crumbs, or why we weren’t a match because of differing values.  Yes, he was good looking.  We had incredible chemistry. I adored his kids.  But still, he wasn’t what I deserved.  To say we had “break up” sex at least one-half dozen times might be accurate, it could have been more.  I was lost.  Drowning in false promises.  Hope.  And pretending that he was the soul mate I might never find again.

Now, back to reality.

The truth is, this break up was horrible.  I could have saved myself pain, tears and months of agonizing heartbreak if I had lived in reality.  I could have moved on more quickly, creating space to meet someone new if only I had not waited to do the work I ultimately did to find self love, date with intention, and create a life I loved.  Fast forward 18 months later, and behold, I had become a dignity-dater looking to make a move forward.  As a result, I landed in a nice relationship with a man who lived outside of Los Angeles where I live.  We dated for three months.  He was an excellent communicator, passionate and we had the same spiritual sense of being.  Nevertheless, he was NOT a match.  While on a trip together, I realized that while I thought this man an incredible person, he would never be the person with whom I could partner.  That said, I had to have the “it’s not a match,” conversation.  I loved him.  He was sweet, and had been there for me when my mother was very sick, dying from cancer.  Nevertheless, we agreed that while love is necessary, it is NOT sufficient.  This, my friends, was a clean break.  I missed him terribly the first week.  After all, suddenly there was nobody to talk to while driving to work, not a soul who cared that I had gone to the grocery store to buy chicken and ended up with chocolate.  There was nobody to say goodnight to before my head hit the pillow.  And there was nobody who would stand beside me at my mother’s funeral.  Bottom line?  Yes, it was hard. It was uncomfortable.  And, quite frankly, it hurt.  But, I knew that if my patience and wounded heart could withstand the test of time, if I took comfort in my friends, hobbies and the incredible life I had created, I would not only survive but thrive.

So…. is there such as think as a clean break? Yes.  And no.  I value the break-up conversations.  I even value break-up sex.  The problem becomes when breaking up is so dramatic, poetic and perfect that it leads to nothing less than shear  fantasy.  It leads to what if’s?  What could have been?  And, if only.  The challenge becomes when breaking up leads to making up, breaking up again, and then once again, a dramatic reunion which results in fantastical sex and connection.  This, my friends, is one hell of an unfulfilling, no-win romantic rut.

When you decide “it’s not a match,” decide for good.  Decide for you.  Decide to save yourself time.  Energy, and sadness.  Move forward so that you can begin to create a life you love.  It will be worth it, I promise.  :)

Hey Dignity Daters! It was another weekend of breakups and “it’s not a match,” conversations for many clients and Dating With Dignity fans. As such, the question this week revolves around skills to help you brave the unknown resultant feelings of ick that come from saying “good-bye.” First off, it’s important to know that it is, in fact, difficult to say “no,” to someone. Old patterns of creating drama to make it “easy,” must be avoided at all costs. He or she does not have to be a “jerk,” to warrant ending a relationship. Most important, once you determine if this person will not meet your long-term relationship goals, it is time to say good bye. Here are a few tips to get you through this difficult period.

1.  Create a list of reasons you want to be in a relationship, then revisit it to remember why it’s important to say goodbye now, rather than later. Why do you want to be in a relationship?  Do you want a partner?  Do you want to have someone with whom you can travel?  Do you want to explore new levels of intimacy?  Write these reasons down on a piece of paper.  Once you have your list, make a choice.  Is it your intention to have these things in your life sooner…or later?  If you would rather have this ideal relationship sooner, recognize that saying good-bye and living through the discomfort now will ultimately bring you closer to achieving your relationship goal.  Revisit this list prior to having the goodbye or “it’s not a match” discussion with your partner.

2.  Grieve the loss. Remember that pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional.  What you resist, however, will persist.  Thus, allow yourself to grieve.  As you connect to your sadness,  become aware of what messages you are hearing from the inner critic voice that lives inside us all.  If  your inner critic voice is saying things like, “This is the best you can do,” or “You made a mistake.  You’ll never get all you want,” check in with yourself.  Find a quiet space and ask yourself this question:  How TRUE are these statements, really? Once you recognize that these messages come from your inner critic voice, you can disengage from them by connecting to your authentic, magnificent self.  In this moment of connection, you will hear that quiet inner voice– the “who” that you REALLY are — shouting the TRUTH.  It will say, “I AM worthy of a loving relationship.  I am  love-able, and I am loving.

3.  Take ACTION to Create the Life You Love. One of the proven-successful Dating With Dignity Tools to Manifesting Love includes taking action to create a life you love via an array of methods.  To begin, set goals regarding what areas of your life need attention.  For example, do you want to put attention on building new social relationships, exploring your spirituality, setting intentions around health and wellness goals, career possibilities, how to have more fun and expand your enjoyment of life, or build deeper relationships with your family? Put your attention towards developing a specific plan to move forward in these areas.  Once you have identified specific goals, put a plan of action into place.  Join meetup.com, check out volunteer opportunities, take a yoga class, begin gardening, join one of Dating With Dignity’s new tele-Mastermind groups, (email me at datingwithdignity@gmail.com for details on trying out one month for free beginning in December) take an extension class or investigate opportunities at your local community college.  Remember, thoughts, feelings and actions yield results.  Feeling sad?  Take positive action.  Move forward.  Put yourself in motion.  Don’t throw yourself a pity party — there are no guests, you won’t meet anyone new, and the coffee will most likely be cold.

4.  Become comfortable in your discomfort. As you grow, change and evolve on the path of self awareness, there are new levels of discomfort you will assuredly experience.  Welcome them as affirmation of your development.  With change comes discomfort.  Become comfortable in knowing that this discomfort will pass.  Take action.  Go for a walk.  Meditate.  Read a book, watch TV or connect with a friend.

Most important, know that there is a community of Dignity Daters who support you in your struggle.  On behalf of all of us, we send you love, support and light as you accept the challenges that come from wanting more fulfillment, joy, happiness and peace in your  life.  Bravo for taking a risk.  Congratulations for saying “no,” to accepting less than you deserve, and for saying “yes” to yourself.  Bravo for dating with dignity.